Category: Life

Gather Thoughts

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think that everyone has certain points of their life, where they slow down and evaluate their existence and place in the world.

Due to the high volume of time I spend on my own, this happens a lot to me. I find myself looking at what others are doing, and then look upon my own life. This, obviously, gets in a rather low mood. I guess when looking at other people, I have the habit of focusing on their successes, whilst looking at my failures. Trust me, I have a lot of failure.

I’m trying not to go into too much self-wallowing detail, seeing as I have already had more than one rant about it on other blogging services I use. I guess, I like to use this blog to help me think more constructive than destructive. Like, to try and rationalise the crazy which is bouncing around in my brain.  And I’ll tell you something, it helps. It helps that I have a place to write weepy, mopy blogs, but then I have this, where I can try and be a bit more thoughtful about my feelings.

I guess emotion really is like a rollercoaster, just as the Ronan Keating abomination says. I think I want to say to anyone reading, if you feel depressed about something, let it out.  It is okay to be sad. I think that as soon as you accept it, things become a lot more manageable. At the moment, my depression, and how I act with it, is the big change. And although I complain about work, I guess, learning to deal with myself is the big thing. I can now cope with my irrational mood swings and crying for no reason. I know that if I keep on trudging on, I do feel better.

Own Worst Enemy

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I beat my self down, before I even have the chance to rise to my feet in the morning. I’d like to pretend that this is rare, and that I am the only person who feels like this, but I’d be lying. But reccently the ‘beat downs’ have been worse due to reccent events, and my confidence being shot to shit.

What has helped me through has been writing down my feelings about various situations. And whilst this helps me get my feelings ‘out there’, it also helps highlight some of the issues that are bothering me. I have a jotter, which I write in when I am on the bus, or at work, just when I’m generally frustrated and have no access to the internet. It’s like I can go through the process of blogging, without the need to do so.

It’s great. But today, when I was alone and near the place where the attack happened, I panicked. So I got out my jotter and started writing. The stuff that came out was a mess, but it did make some sense. When something has happened, and your life is kinda taken out of your hands, you panic. And I did. I started to say I shouldn’t be who I am anymore. I mean why be who makes you happy, if everyone else hates it.

In retrospect, that would be giving into pressure and changing a lot about me, and it probably wouldn’t be worth it. There would be something else to attack, probably me being fat, and the cycle will continue. And the only way to change how I feel about this, is by training me to react differently. Which is ignoring the people who mock, and just expressing my frustration in other ways. This doesn’t let the other person know they’ve hurt me, and let’s me let my frustrations go in a more controlled manner.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I am trying to put on a brave face and pretend that things are ok. But they aren’t. I think every person who I don’t know has the potential to hurt me. That it is going to happen again. And I smile and act as normal, but I feel so far from normal its almost comical.

The Longest Bus Journey EVER!!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Or it felt like it.
Since the escapades of Friday (if you don’t know what I am talking about, read the previous entry), I have been slowly calming down. Seeing as I was in complete shock, and COULD NOT stop shaking. Yesterday was fairly quiet, and despite the fact I wanted to go back out, I felt nervous and told myself I wanted to relax at home. I wish I could say it was nice, but I had so much time to think. The very thought of going outside on my own made my heart beat faster. I did venture out with my mum and sister, but that was just to the High Street, and it only took 20 minutes. So I was housebound, self-inflicted, and spent the day trying to distract myself from going over the previous days events in my head.

This kind of failed, and the events kept on playing out in my mind pretty, much in a continuous loop. So I woke up today, and decided I would venture out. This would have been good, if I wasn’t so nervous, and despite much begging to other people to get them to accompany me, I still ended up on my own. So I decided to bite the bullet, and travel through to Kirkcaldy on my own. Something I had in my head, but was actually shitting myself at the prospect.

Now, I am a very independent person, in that I am very good in my own company. Sometimes I actually thrive in it. I go to gigs on my own, go on holiday, go shopping, I pretty much live a solitary existence. Which is fine by me. I like being in my own head, usually. But today I felt like I needed someone to distract me from my thoughts. But, it didn’t happen, so I decided I’d and go out on my own. Again, I should mention I was still really nervous about going out of the town where I live, as the last time that happened I swear my life flashed before my eyes. I got on the bus at the end of the street and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. Today the book was my only ally against this fear which was building up to the point my heart was racing. But the distraction didn’t really make any difference. The bus journey of about 45 minutes felt like hours. And as I got closer to my destination, I was shaking. It seems a bit melodramatic now, but I was shit scared of being somewhere on my own, and have something happen again.

But, of course, I got to Kirkcaldy and nothing notable happened. I didn’t even find anything I wanted. Whilst this seems a bit pointless writing this into a blog entry, I felt it was needed. The relief I felt when nothing happened as I walked around the shopping centre was immense. To know that nothing had changed, and I could still carry on as normal. When your confidence takes a knock, you are always told to ‘get back on the horse’. Well, my horse was a bus, and I am so glad that I did it. Whilst I am still slightly jumpy, I am happy I did go out on my own. And at the end of it, when I was waiting for the bus, it became the fear that was driving me to leave my comfort zone.

Some people believe that fear is a good thing. Everyone has a fright now and then, and it is how you deal with the frights that decides what kind of person you are. And I guess I am determined, but ask anyone I know, and they’ll tell you that. I’ll do what I want, no matter what stands in my way. And I am happy to report, that whilst I may be a bit more attentive to my surroundings, I’m not going to let my life change.

Can I hate you, cause you’re not like me?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

The brutal truth of why most people act the way they do, is because other people are different to them. Seems a little obscene, but it’s true. No matter how much people bother about being ‘themselves’, they will always try and pass judgement and be judge themselves. And everyone does it. It is something embedded into our psyche, to judge things, whether it be a positive or negative judgement is irrelevant. But people think that judgement starts and stops with things such as TV shows, music and books, but don’t acknowledge that they pick apart fashion and the people wearing the fashion a LOT more than they do anything else. It is a simple thing of like/dislike, where in nature, if a creature doesn’t like something, it will no longer associate itself with it. And that is a behaviour trait that people, as animals, still have to this very date.

This is not normally cause by any form of malicious intent, but by because someone is maybe wearing something that is not to your taste. It is what you do with these thoughts. Most of the time, people think their judgement, and that’s it. Nothing else is done. The trouble is, when people start voicing their judgement. Because we like to think negatively about something, mostly to try and make ourselves seem more superior, it’s part of human nature. But if you receive any negative judgement, it is hard to tell yourself that is ‘just opinion’. Sometimes, against better judgement you react, almost like you are being encouraged to. This reinforces the ‘judger’s’ behaviour because they can then see that they can evoke reaction off people. As if getting a reaction is what it’s all about.

This is a basis of what every person does in their life. You live your life on doing things you like that make you happy, and stay away from things you don’t like. It’s just that it has been taken to the point, that people seem to use likes and dislikes as weapons against each other.. There is no harm in deciding that you think someone looks silly in what they are wearing, but what does voicing it to the person in question really achieve. Does it turn your life into a success? No! Does it make the other person thank you for changing her life with your observation? No! You will offend the person, and nothing will change in your life whatsoever. So because there is no real reason for giving judgement on another person, why do it? And why make a spectacle of yourself whilst doing it?

I am rambling like this because I want to know what would make a person give verbal abuse to another person without being provoked? Why would you choose, as an adult man, to get a friend and threaten a girl who is on her own? That isn’t the kind of natural behaviour I can understand. Maybe it’s because I am stupid or maybe it’s because I would never ever want to make anyone feel like they made me feel. Why I lost a day of work because I was in shock that two men 6/7 years older than me (makes them 33/34) verbally abused me to the point I thought they were going to kill me. And that I was still shaking 6 hours later, and crying when anyone asked me what happened. I was terrified that people were going to tell me to ‘stand up for myself’, when I knew that having two adults scream in your face so badly the police were called, was not anything I really wanted to stand up to. Especially when no-one came up to try and help me. They could have punched me, and I could have done nothing. I don’t know who the guys were, and know nothing that apparently they were ‘off their faces’ on drugs.

I can honestly say, I have never been so scared in my life. And I can’t think of anything that can make sense of why they did it. But other than because I looked different to them, I just can’t understand it.

Invisable Path

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every so often, I, like most, find myself pondering my future once in a while. As someone whose current state of existence probably sees her dubbed as a ‘basement dweller’, despite having no basement, I feel a bit depressed when I start thinking about the future.

I think it is because all these ideas I used to have about my life, have failed to materialise into anything substantial. I mean, yes I can paint a picture and edit it on a computer, but NEWS FLASH, unless you have the best qualifications and/or know someone, then you are kinda restricted in that field, Restricted in that people seem to refuse to pay for work, and expect everything for free. Which is ignorant. Do people think I went through the effort of an education, just to give them freebies?

I guess the main reason I am evaluating my life right now, is because it seems a natural contemplation point, seeing as it almost a year since I left college, and not very much has changed. Okay, some things have changed. For instance, mentally I am in a 100% better place than I was 12 months ago. I just feel a lot more free than what I used to, like I am not so restricted anymore. Does that make sense? I feel like I am in a better place, mentally, to cope with problems. Well, I can cope a little better than what I used to. I will still crack up, because apparently cracking up over stupid things is what I do.

I guess I am at a stage where I want to run off into the fields and frolic around like a happy person, but I can’t really see what is in the field, and that holds me back. Worst imagery ever? Probably. I guess it’s like I have one foot ready to go on new adventures, where the other foot is content being where it is. Wow, even worse imagery.

I don’t even know what point I am trying to make. I guess, it’s that I am at the stage where I am looking for something else, something new, and everything that is ahead seems really different. And that little shy kid I used to be, comes to the forefront and decides that it is safer staying put. And I end up feeling confused, and I stress my self out stupidly. I know A LOT of people who are finishing school and they are expressing the distress and confusion I am currently feeling. But, I feel I should let them know, as long as you follow your heart, and do something you want to, you won’t regret what you chose to do. People will call me a waste for being where I am at the age of 27, but I feel accomplished that I have tried so hard at everything I wanted to do. It didn’t all pan out, but I have no regrets about it.

Technological Necessity

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I feel ashamed.

Why, I hear you ask.

Well, I have to admit at how much I missed my Blackberry Bold. I had to send it away to get repaired, when the screen got a pressure fracture. Well, I don’t think that’s the actual term, but that’s what I am calling it. It seems like pressure had been applied to the screen, giving an appearance of ‘dead pixels’ on the screen. Something I have never experienced before, so I panicked. I decided that although I could still see the screen and use the phone, that I would send it away to get fixed, before the phone became unusable.

This mean I had to return to my previous phone, which was a Nokia slide thing. The thing about having a smart phone, is that you take it for granted that you can send emails, post blogs, access Facebook, et al, all without the need for a computer. Well, returning to a phone which doesn’t even have internet access makes you feel like you have lost a limb. You have to revert back to doing any business through a computer. Which if you are used to just sending quick email replies to people, is a major pain.

I think I feel so bad, because I feel like I have become such a slave to technology, and how much I need it. The thing is, I didn’t even realise it happening. I tell myself, I keep it up because I crave contact with people all over the world. That by networking online, I can help my business. Only, it doesn’t really help with my business. As said before, apart from minor spurts of inspiration, the most creative I have been lately is writing on this very blog. And even then, it is not like I am breaking any boundaries, I just seem to be spouting verbal diarrhoea everywhere. I think, I am getting to the stage where I am making excuses.

But why should I have to make excuses for letting technology help me? Isn’t it a good thing, that so many aspects of our lives can come together so seamlessly, thanks to just a few small devices. I think it is AMAZING, that objects can make us feel like we are closer to people, and are helping us achieve things. I think that there is still a stigma attached to technology, where if you use it a lot, you have no life. But rather than the user be demeaned, it is the mocker who is not willing to open themselves up to try new things. Is it because people are afraid to admit that they like the assistance that having something like a smart phone can provide? That people still want to fool others into thinking, that they can do things on their own?

I don’t know. All I can say is that I am glad to have my Blackberry back.

Imperfect Hero

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When I was younger, I had this obsession about a boyband called a1. They were a band who had some success through Europe and Asia in the early 2000s. I loved this band, especially the baby of the band, Ben Adams. Where I think most of the attraction was that he was only 3 years older than me. It was one of the first times, I ever felt that someone my age, could do something, like become a pop star. They were no different from any other pop band, which were EVERYWHERE in the pop scene in the UK at that time. There was Steps, S Club 7, Westlife…and lots of bands who were proud to be pop. Whereas now, calling a band pop, is like giving them a curse. But it was all good, innocent music, which I am sure a lot of other people I know will admit to liking.

But this illusion I had was shattered, when I realised Ben Adams has his own blog. I felt I should check it out. I don’t know why I did, maybe it was just curiosity. But I found no grammar, no anything. I mean, there was no full stops or capital letters. It was a mess. And bang went any respect I had left. I mean, sure, write if you want, but at least make an effort for things to be readable. I know that I am not the most articulate of writers, and my grammar is mostly pot-luck, but at least I try. I mean, I enjoy writing, which I why I do this. To see someone who I used to adore so much, be so thoughtless in what he is posting, kinda left me gutted.

I guess that is one of the things about any person who inspires you. You only see one aspect of that person, and your brain engineers them to be something perfect. And you end up thinking that this person won’t ever do anything wrong. But they do. Or, they do something which seems wrong to you, and that is your illusion and perception shattered. And once you start thinking like that, they will never have the same status to you again. And, no matter how much you have moved on, you will always be crestfallen, that the person that you admired was never the person you thought they were. And you want to know, how much of the things you thought you knew about this person was lies. Lies just to get you, and many other little girls, to connect to a person which was sold like a product.

The guilty blog is here. And as you can see, there is no use at all for capital letters. -.-

Cure For An Absent Mind

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Due to me having the memory function of a 30 year old PC, I have not done half the stuff I have set out to do recently. I am spectacularly rubbish at keeping on top of my lists of things I need to do. Always have been, and I think I always will be.

What I do, is I write a list of things that I should really do, and then I ignore said list, and do something else completely irrelevant. It is almost as if I recognise I need to do something, that’s enough, and I won’t do anything else. I think it is a mixture of pure avoidance, and ‘out of sight, out of mind’. Which is awesome, especially when you are working on a schedule. Or supposed to be working on a schedule.

But once I acknowledge things, I do have the tendency to erase them completely from my mind, and never thing about it again. Or think about it when it is too late, and I have to run around like a nut-case to get it done. Because apparently, that is how I work best. Which is obviously lies, because no-one can work to their full potential, if they are rushed to finish. But ever since High School, I have tried to convince myself that I can leave things to the last moment, and I end up doing things badly. I think it has to do with the idea, that when I was younger, I was a high achiever, and did everything when I was told, I got no real reward for making that effort. So, as I became older, I began to try less, grades slipped, and I got no more or less recognition. And then that, mixed with laziness, left me following the same pattern time after time.

But, I have started to work on focusing on the task in hand, and not stopping till it’s complete. And it is working. I am being a lot more productive, and doing things properly. This doesn’t sound like much of a ‘eureka’ moment, but it is. When you seem to be in the midst of mediocrity, like any other learnt behavioural trait, it takes a lot of time and effort to change things. So rather than putting my list of activities to the side, I am tackling them, and getting things done. And I am finding, that I don’t forget as much as I used to.

Opinionative Depressive

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Because I am in severe need from a distraction from my depressive state of mind. The whole ‘jump of a bridge’ scenario seems like an option in my current state.

Nice,  bet you wanted to know that, oh reader. If there is a reader. *I am breaking the forth wall here.* I just feel mentally unable to cope with anything right now. -.-

Whilst I have been online, I haven’t been writing a lot, for the sheer sense, that I have been too down to write or say anything substantial. Well, I probably could have written something, but it would be day-after-day of complaining about my petty existence. And trust me, when I say  that would not make very interesting reading.  I have been complaining, but most of that is over on my Tumblr. Mostly because I can speak my mind, without feeling that people I know are judging me on it. Because that is all Facebook is these days. Blue and white pages of judgement and hatred, tied together with gimmicky games.

A bit severe on Facebook maybe, but right now it is how I feel. Most of you will probably read my negative opinion, and wonder why I don’t just delete my account. Mostly because it is good for contacting people who I don’t hold numbers for, and the like. But then I think, if that person really did give a shit about me, wouldn’t they go to more effort than a friend request?

I am on the fence about what to do with the site. Should I just leave it? I do good at speaking my mind, and am of the stance of when I post something I WILL NOT delete it. Maybe that is stubbornness. But if I cared enough to post something to begin with, even if my mood shifts, it wouldn’t be honest if I deleted it.  And that is what any site should be, an honest interpretation on who you are.

And on that stance, I can’t really think negatively on people who do react to what I say in a bad way. Because they are also just stating what they think and feel. If they regret what they say, then fair enough, but at the time I said what I wanted to, and they said what they wanted to. And as far as that goes, I respect it. But they should also be adult enough to respect what other people say. If you want people to respect and listen to you, then do the same to others.

But that would be wishful thinking, wouldn’t it?

I will never be a successful accountant.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I forget to look at letters, and I always lose emails.

Have just spent 45 minutes locating an email sent from the bank about them changing my online password. It is nice of them, but they should have told me. It wasn’t my fault hotmail thought it was spam and hid the email beside all the advertisements for pay-day loans and viagra. Neither of which I require by the way. Well, at least not at the moment.

But, feeling rather good about myself because I have been able to get my financial things sorted. And I now feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is mostly because they have been pestering me about things. Now, if you know one thing about banks, when they pester you, they call constantly and send 10 letters a day untill you do what they want. Which is a tad annoying.

Ah well, it’s the weekend now. Although it is tainted by a Saturday shift. -.-

Mood– Chilled

Music– The Plastics- Champers