Last month I went on holiday to Cyprus, so I thought I’d post some pictures.
Last month I went on holiday to Cyprus, so I thought I’d post some pictures.
Every time I see a challenge for blogging, I want to join in. I want to see myself do something, than I can say was successful. Because, I will be honest, me and success don’t necessarily go hand and hand. I am a serial failer, it is like a talent. Not a talent anyone actually wants to have, to be honest.
The aim of blogmas is to create something every day of December and post it online. It is supposed to be a boost to your creativity, something to help kickstart flagging creativity. It sometimes works. A lot of the time I don’t keep up with anything, and I fall begging after a couple of days.
This doesn’t mean that I can’t try. I am optimistic, but life is rather busy at the moment. I know a lot of people are very good at being creative regularly, and when speaking to them, they have said that constantly challenging yourself is essential to keeping creativity alive.
Sometimes it feels like everything is too much. It’s like I have so much to try and focus on, it’s like my brain is going to explode. There is too much to get done, and I am far to indecisive to pick what needs to be done first.
There is so much going on that my attention flits between different things. I always have a list of things I need to get done, and every night I come home and do none of it. Which is bad enough. But I sometimes have time sensitive things that needs done, and I can’t do it. It’s like my brain stalls, and I simply sit and do nothing instead.
When I try to get myself moving, it is never just the one think my mind picks at. No, everything comes at once. ‘I have washing to do’, is joined with ‘I’d better study’, then ‘I still haven’t finished that book’. And finally ‘look at this political mess, everything is f#*ked’. Now separately these things seem okay, but, all together it’s another story. It all adds to my anxiety, the panic I feel when it seems like I can’t do anything.
It’s this feeling of failure, when I can even do the most basic of goals. I over-think and become overwhelmed. It’s not a nice feeling.
I find it hard to be creative, sometimes. Especially when it feels like life is very boring. Sometimes you wake, work, eat, sleep, rinse and repeat. It feels very boring because you do the same thing every day and it is very hard to get inspired. It can feel hard enough trying to function in your daily life without the need for inspiration to strike.
And, that is what I tend to struggle with the most. I am a naturally creative, person. I like keeping busy by making things. But, you often need to be able to imagine those things before you can create them. It has become one of those problems that has become difficult to describe to people who aren’t of the creative mind. Like, how do you find the interesting, in the mundane?
When someone finds the answer, it would be great if they would let me in on the secret.
This month, although I haven’t stuck to this challenge, I have been able to keep at it. The topic sitting at the sidelines, means that, if I can switch off, I can try and do something. And like most things, creativity becomes easier once you have beaten the mental block. And, for me that is good. As sometimes the challenges I opt into, don’t have any prompts, and that often makes my mental block worse. As if I can’t imagine random content ad hoc, how can I do it on demand? So, maybe going forward, I shall try and look at prompt lists, just to have in the background. Just to be there if I feel the need to write, but can’t think up anything.
The important thing is that if you do feel fed-up with life, try to find the differences in every day, or add stuff to your routine that makes it better. Most lives feel mundane, no matter the person or the job. Every job has its routine, the boring, but essential, parts. So part of adulthood may be learning to find the excitement within the mundane.
It is the 2nd of April, which means a new season of tasks for online creativity. I normally look at BEDA, or Blog Every Day in April, where I aim to post something every day over the course of April. I fail. All the time. And instead of inspiring me to be more productive, I am discouraged and don’t want to do anything.
A challenge is supposed to inspire a person to do bigger and better. It is an opportunity to prove to yourself what you can actually do, beat your own expectations. And, if you do it in a group, you can all help motivate one another, it can work very well. Blogging is a rather solitary task, so it is nice to not do it on your own. Nice to be able to discuss ideas and theories on what you are writing.
However, I haven’t really got involved in many groups and communities, which means I am on my own when it comes to motivation and ideas. And, it can be pretty difficult. And then I join a challenge, like BEDA, and hope it gives me the kick I need to post more regular, and the effect is opposite. I forget to post once, and feel I have failed the challenge, so don’t see the point in continuing. I sometimes struggle with deadlines and doing things, and although I set my own targets, sometimes they seem too large. I have a horrific fear of failure, of being told that I am not good enough. And I sometimes think that it is easier to give up, on my terms, rather than fall down despite my best aims. It is a habit that has been picked up from school, and it is an awful. Sometimes, I am better trying things without a serious goal. That way I can work away without the pressure, and I find I am better. It feels less forced, and there is no big nasty target to discourage me.
I am glad that challenges work for so many people, and every month there seems to be more coming to light. And, they do sometimes encourage me to pick up my art tools, camera or notebook, to try and create something. But, I have to remember that daily challenges don’t help me, so sometimes it is okay to simply sit out.
Recently I haven’t been sharing at all. Which is not like me, but it’s hard when you are dealing with something that you’d rather not be dealing with.
Unfortunately, life is not that kind. I have been sick, had a major crash with my mental health, had course work due in and the busiest time of the year for the ol’ day job. And it all kind of left me functioning, but that was it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t, because I didn’t want to think about how much stuff was happening all at once. It’s kind of calmed down a little, my coursework is done and Christmas is a week a way, which means no overtime. And it’s allowing me a little time to reflect on why I burrowed myself away from the internet.
For years the internet was where I could let my feelings go, where I could write about stuff that no one cared about. It was very therapeutic and it was completely disconnected from my real life. However, every day there seems to be more merging of both my private life and the one I talk about on line. People who I know in real life, are able to access what I am writing.
Now, this doesn’t seem like a huge problem for some, as they see things being made public, and surely it doesn’t matter who reads it. But… that’s not really how it goes. In my life, I try to put a smile on as I soldier on through whatever the day throws at me. Inside, I may be falling apart, but I don’t want people to see it. I always feel like my mental health issues makes me a burden on others, so I don’t want them to know. That way people don’t feel pressured into being nice, they are being nice because they want to, not because I’m not right in the head. And when these people I share my daily life with can read what I really feel, I feel like I have let them down. I mean, surely I should be able to talk to folk, right?
So, sometimes it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Pretend things are okay, when they aren’t. It’s not perfect. But, it can get me through times where I don’t have the strength to deal with questions about things that I don’t know how to put into words. That’s what writing helps me do, sometimes, put what’s in my head into words that (kind of) make sense.
So, I started posting regularly again, by saying that I would post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. You will notice that today is Tuesday, and there was no post yesterday. I’ll be honest, it was a bad day. I had a few panic attacks and ended up spending most of the day with family. Which was nice.
I guess, what I want to say, it is okay to take time out. I still plan on writing 3 posts this week, it is just that 1 post is a day late. You can still be motivated, and not push yourself too hard. Which, is something that is important. Because when you force things, you sometimes end up doing more damage. And, that is the tricky thing. Having to learn the balance between pushing enough to get things done, and pushing past that. It is a difficult balance.
But, it is important to never give up. If you can’t do something, it is okay to side-line it till later. Stuff will still be there for later. And, if it is urgent, speak to people. It is surprising how supportive people are if they know what is going on.