Tag: sick

Sick of it All

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

A couple of weeks ago, I had an assessment due for my University course. I am studying IT, and the assessment included programming a website, and a report on said website. It was something I put entire days into, so that I could be happy with any result. As calm as I seemed to be, I was internally in a ‘bit of a state’. But, I was able to submit on time, so it was okay on that front. However, because I was so hyper focused on it, I wasn’t able to rest whilst doing the assessment. So for days, was thinking about it constantly, at work, watching tv, in bed… I couldn’t switch off. So when I had submitted, my body could relax. This meant, I picked up a bug. And by the end of the week, I had a cough.

This cough got worse, making my physically sick, as well as causing a temperature. So I laid low for the weekend, planning on returning to work as normal on Wednesday. I went to work, but still had a hideous cough. The problem was, I was supposed to be training people, which meant a lot of talking. I could do very little talking, so I had to ‘call in sick’. I didn’t want to, I had slept so little that I actually ended up crying over letting people down. That is a major trigger for my anxiety, letting people down. I want to be reliable, and I can’t help but feel rotten when I have to miss something .

I am sitting here, in my house, over a week later, and still having a horrific cough. It means I can’t sleep. It means I can’t eat full meals as I am sick. It’s not a nice situation to be in. I spend my days scrolling through TikTok, where I quickly picked up that there seems to be a lot of cold/flu virus floating around. Lot’s of people seem to be getting sick. Whilst that doesn’t make me feel any better, it eases my anxiety slightly as other folk are taking a while to recover too.

The worry I do have, is that my medication for my rheumatoid arthritis lowers your immune system. So, I am worried that I’ll pick up every bug going, and become sick a lot this winter. I just have to keep taking multi-vitamins, make sure I dress well, and carry a mask around if I see anyone with a cough. I have to be very careful, as the winter has only just begun.

I’m counting down the days till Spring, already.

Avoidance is futile.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, I have been one of those people, who champions mask wearing, and believing that there was some skill involved in me not catching the virus. I worked in a warehouse throughout, and a lockdown happening, just meant that my petrol was cheaper. I wasn’t aware but I seemed to have developed a superiority complex, where I felt that I was doing things right, that is how I stayed virus free.

Which, was all fine until I discovered that I had caught COVID. Whoopee!

My health has been questionable for, at least, the last month. I felt exhausted, sick, tired, I would manage work, then just come home and crash. I had a lot of ‘medical things’ going on, so I assumed that is what was making me sick. Then, a few weekends ago, I went from feeling rubbish, to feeling like death warmed up. I was running a fever, I had a cough (I currently seem to have a perma-cold), and the worst bit, I had this horrible rash all over my body. It was awful. And I immediately tested myself, using a lateral flow test, and I was negative. I tested a few times over the course of a few days, all negative. So my mind, being the anxiety driven mess that it is, jumped to the next possible answer. It must be my new medication. I had started immuno-suppressants for my rheumatoid arthritis, and one of the reactions was a rash with swelling around the face. This is what I had, so I called my GP, concerned what was happening. After a few tests, she thought it was a virus, so advised me to go and get a PCR test, but to contact the arthritis care team, in case it was my medication. The PCR test came back positive, and the nurse said ‘it could be a reaction, or it could be covid’. So, I had to come off my arthritis meds, until I know I have gotten over COVID properly.

I am just exhausted. It has taken me months to get the right medication prescribed, a lot of calling up and emails. I get very anxious when I have to chase anything up, so most of the interactions ended up with me having a panic attack. Which was just lovely. And, I am feeling frustrated, because if I get any reaction at all with this medication, I have to stop and we have to try something else. It’s like going round in circles. It feels like I have so many issues, right now, and COVID has just taken a huge dump in the middle of everything. It’s annoying.

At least I am able to go back outside. I am just not used to having to spend so much time at home. I am used to being able to go to the shops, or go visit friends, whenever I want. I couldn’t even have dinner with my family. I was just lying on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I never had a lockdown, I never spent lots of time at home during the pandemic, I went out to work. And, I think that is why I found it hard, I felt useless and horrible. So, I am happy that my life is going back to normal. But I will still be wearing a mask and carrying my hand sanitiser around.

Sick of it all

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I’m sick and tired.

I’m sick of constantly saying sorry for things I can’t help. But if I didn’t say sorry, I’d feel guilty.

I’m sick of having to explain why I feel like shit, when I ‘don’t look depressed’.

I’m sick of being a burden. Everyone has their problems, mines are just trivial.

I’m sick of being exhausted. Getting up and functioning takes all my energy, even worse if I have to try to be ‘happy’.

I’m sick of being called an ‘attention seeker’ behind my back. I thought we were friends.

I’m sick of letting people down. Be it a text, a phone call or meeting for a coffee, it’s so hard to interact with people when I feel like this.

I’m sick of crying all the time. When my anxiety hits hard, I cry a lot. It can happen anywhere, it usually happens after a panic attack, and it’s embarrassing.

I’m sick of being told that exercise/ healthy eating/bubble baths will cure my depression.

I’m sick. I have had problems with my mental health since I was a teenager. Asked teachers, and told it was hormones, and since then I have struggled. I try to muddle on, but sometimes I am at breaking point. I am maybe not the best friend, sister or colleague, but I am trying my best.

Please visit SAMH for advice and help on mental health at https://www.samh.org.uk

Keep Safe

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These are strange times. Because of the advice on the Coronavirus outbreaks, people are being asked to stay at home. And if they do go out, it can only be for work, food shopping or daily exercise, and you must keep 2 meters distance. The rules seem simple enough.

Unfortunately there seems to be an abundance of people who are ignoring these rules. They are having house parties, meeting friends and just behaving like normal.

The thing is, this isn’t just about me, or you. It’s about everyone else. The people who have illnesses they are unaware off, or conditions they are aware of. The people who pick things up, and get it worse than everyone else. Everyone knows people like this. You and a friend pick up the same cold, you get the sniffles and they are floored with it.

Think outside your own bubble, think about the other people. This is about making sure your neighbours, friends and relatives get through this, as well as you.

Please STAY HOME.

Alone

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

One lie, that having poor mental tells you is that you are alone. That no one else feels the way you do. It is a lie that cuts you off. Makes you feel like you are not good enough for anyone who is around. That what you experience, is such a burden on everyone, that maybe it’s better to remain on your own. So you don’t bring other’s down.

Logically, these lies don’t make sense. Having poor mental health, is something that thrives in loneliness. Or that is what it feels like for me, anyway. If people are around, or if I am kept busy (like at work), I don’t often feel so overwhelmed. It does still happen, to be honest, but because my brain is focused elsewhere, I can deal with things better.

But that can be a problem. When I first started having mental health issues, I spoke to people. I reached out for help, I was told to ‘grow up’, that it was ‘hormones’, or was just because I ‘needed the right guy’. This all felt like rejection, as if rather than understand, people deflected with useless fake solutions. So I waited. I hoped it would go away. I made a mess of things, in the hope I’d feel normal. And it hurts. It manifested at a previous work place were I was told, by my manager ‘you have a job, you have a place to live, you have nothing to be depressed about’. I wrote on Facebook, years ago, and was told not to be such an attention seeker.

In the end, it feels like not saying anything helps me. There is only so many times people can ask for help, and for it to be thrown back at them. Or even ignored. It’s easier to not be with people, because then I don’t run the risk of being made to feel worse. So, I spend time alone, which is when my mental health is worse.

This has come into my head, after a recent news story brought suicide and mental health to the forefront of people’s minds. And the same people, who berated me, who called me an attention seeker, expect folk to reach out to them. Say that they can help. But they did the opposite. Or maybe it’s only certain people that folk want to help. I’d never be that person.

Physically Easier

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone goes through a period of illness. A period where you just want to close yourself off from the world until you feel better. And it happens to everyone.

I have talked previously about how I sometimes have panic attacks, and they can vary from hyperventilating to bouts of being sick. The worst thing about them, is that they can be set off by nothing in particular. I can be working away perfectly happily, and suddenly I will feel inadequate and start panicking. This normally involves crying. I shouldn’t need to inform anyone, publicly crying at the age of 35 is really embarrassing. It is even worse when you can’t explain why you are crying.

For a lot of people, mental health often impacts them most when they don’t expect it. And that, makes it very difficult to deal with. It means that people have to almost re-learn their own behaviours, to try and combat them. Whilst problems, like depression and anxiety, can be suffocating at times, it can mutate the issue to another level when you have to try and explain it to someone else.

For a long time, I felt that I was doing something wrong. I’d experience mental health issues, try to speak to someone about, and would find myself belittled. I wish it was a rare thing, but most people who have suffered with mental health issues, have been told at sometime to ‘grow up and get over it’. These throwaway comments can hurt someone who is going through a time where they feel vulnerable. And it can make it difficult to try and talk when you do feel bad, as you automatically assume that everything will just be thrown back in your face.

As I said before, sometimes I my anxiety hits hard and I can be physically sick. When this happens, I will tell people that I ‘don’t feel well’ rather than trying to explain it’s mental health related. When I say that I have been physically sick, people as if I’m okay, and leave me alone. However, if I state my anxiety is giving me hell, then people want to know exactly why I am feeling like this. It’s difficult because I know a lot of people just want to help, but if I had the answers, I would be able to help myself.

People need to realise how they speak to people with mental health issues. Don’t belittle a person, and don’t be too prying either. It’s difficult, but someone suffering just needs you to be there and respect where they are, mentally. Don’t expect a person to come forward with loads of answers, because a lot of the time, they don’t know what is causing them to have a bad mental health day/week/month. What they don’t need is 50 questions fired in their direction.

I hope, at some stage, I’ll be able to say, ‘my mental health is shit’, and that be enough. But till then, I just appear to constantly have a vomiting bug.

Winter Worn-Out

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Winter has well and truly landed. The season which includes warm nights, hot drinks, family times and new beginnings. It is easy to romanticise the whole period, as there are a lot of good points. It is the one time of the year where everyone gets some time off work and school, to spend time together. And, in a world that doesn’t seem to stop, this is a thing that can’t be taken for granted.

I always work extra at this time of year. Help me get some money for Christmas, and to get on top of my bills for the start of the new year. Which sounds great, but there is always a downfall. This is the time of year where I ALWAYS end up sick. There is so much stuff to do, and I am constantly going from the cold into the heat, which makes it super easy to pick up bugs and stuff. And, I am now sitting on my bed, struggling to breathe and feeling so tired.

I am working 50 hours a week for most of December, and that means that I just have to ‘plod on’ when I feel so crap. I always work extra at this time of year, and always get sick as a result. So I am going to have to just have cold capsules. I don’t like Lemon tea or Lemsip, so I might just try to have a couple cups of tea, and get all cosy whilst I work away on my laptop.

Sometimes, I wish I was a kid again. Where I could take a day off school and watch cartoons all day, and not worry about missing out on money. Those were the days.


Something different

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I’m struggling this week. Don’t know if I am at the start of an illness or if my procrastination is becoming worse. I’m going to say illness, as that sounds better.

Anyway, I have been trying to think of ways to try and living this blog up a little. I love reading other people’s ponderings, but there is no harm in sharing other bits and bobs. I am quite a creative person, and I still draw a lot, as well as playing with video editors for photos and such. I’m not the greatest at these things, but it helps my anxiety when I can focus on something.

This is a wee video I did a while back, and it is random photos from when I went to Budapest in March. This is the kind of thing i welcome as a distraction from my thinking, even though it’s not the best.

Under The Weather

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This is one of these days where I wish I had stayed in bed. I am still suffering with the end of a cold, which gives me a god awful cough, that makes me sound like a 20-a-day smoker. I’m not. I just get a bad cough when every get ‘blocked up’ with the cold. Every time, without fail. But because I do a lot of coughing, my temperature goes up, which is natural. But having an iffy temperature, whilst working in a building which is like a sauna half the time, is not a great experience. Just have to plod on, though.

Because I get so run down when I am feeling like this, I think it is important to do wee things to help make you feel better. Things that give comfort as well as relax you. So, I thought I’d give a wee list of what makes me feel better.

  • Curling up in bed. When you don’t feel so great, it is a good idea to try and find a place where the temperature is constant. Cuddling up in my duvet after a draining day, never fails to help me relax.
  • A good boxset. I am not the best at watching box-sets. I tend to watch a bit, forget to go back and watch more, and then have to start again because I forget what happens. I am currently watching Grey’s Anatomy on Amazon Prime, but it is supposed to be leaving. Something that is very easy to watch, which is what I find Grey’s Anatomy. Though it does make me cry. A lot.
  • Loud Music. Music has had a relaxing effect on me for as long as I can remember. I usually listen to different music depending on my mood. But I have been exhausted and sore the last week or so, there has been too options. Punky stuff, where they are a bit ‘f*$k the world’, as I usually feel done with everything. Or it can be something with a good beat, something that i can play loud in my headphones to drown out everything else. That is usually some metal music, like Cannibal Corpse.

I also usually gorge myself on crisps and such, but I that is something I am trying to stop. I want to get healthier. Hopefully eating better food, will help my immunity and mean less colds and coughs. Hopefully.