2020

Alone

One lie, that having poor mental tells you is that you are alone. That no one else feels the way you do. It is a lie that cuts you off. Makes you feel like you are not good enough for anyone who is around. That what you experience, is such a burden on everyone, that maybe it’s better to remain on your own. So you don’t bring other’s down.

Logically, these lies don’t make sense. Having poor mental health, is something that thrives in loneliness. Or that is what it feels like for me, anyway. If people are around, or if I am kept busy (like at work), I don’t often feel so overwhelmed. It does still happen, to be honest, but because my brain is focused elsewhere, I can deal with things better.

But that can be a problem. When I first started having mental health issues, I spoke to people. I reached out for help, I was told to ‘grow up’, that it was ‘hormones’, or was just because I ‘needed the right guy’. This all felt like rejection, as if rather than understand, people deflected with useless fake solutions. So I waited. I hoped it would go away. I made a mess of things, in the hope I’d feel normal. And it hurts. It manifested at a previous work place were I was told, by my manager ‘you have a job, you have a place to live, you have nothing to be depressed about’. I wrote on Facebook, years ago, and was told not to be such an attention seeker.

In the end, it feels like not saying anything helps me. There is only so many times people can ask for help, and for it to be thrown back at them. Or even ignored. It’s easier to not be with people, because then I don’t run the risk of being made to feel worse. So, I spend time alone, which is when my mental health is worse.

This has come into my head, after a recent news story brought suicide and mental health to the forefront of people’s minds. And the same people, who berated me, who called me an attention seeker, expect folk to reach out to them. Say that they can help. But they did the opposite. Or maybe it’s only certain people that folk want to help. I’d never be that person.

2020

You Do You

What is the worst habit that you have?

Some would say smoking, not exercising enough, or drinking too much. I would say that most people’s bad habit should be talking about other people. Talking poorly about a person you don’t know, or only partly know.

A person only starts to think about this when it is them being spoken about. It is for them that an area turns quiet as they walk by, hushed voices giggling to one another. People speak, and sometimes their words get back to the person they are about. And when you are struggling to function, to hear others speaking nonsense can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Normally in this situation, people don’t realise the damage they have done till it’s too late. It can be hard to admit that the words that you have spoken could have really hurt someone. Because, that is never the intention. People talk rubbish about others to help ease their own frustrations about work, life, or whatever.

I know that I have been at both sides of this. I have talked crap, but I have also had crap said about me. And it is something that I have been thinking about a lot. I know that, personally, I want people to like me. I want to be friends with everyone. Of course, that is something that is not always possible, you cannot please everyone. And, to hear that people don’t like me to the point that they’d talk as soon as my back was turned, broke my heart. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I would worry about something like this for weeks. I would analyse every little thing I did, to see if there was anything that would offend anyone. It’s compulsive and irrational, but I can’t help it.

Recently, I’ve tried to change things. Focus on myself, and do what makes me happy. I wouldn’t purposely harm anyone or anything, and that should be my focus. Some people won’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m going to just try do what I like. Keep my mind busy, so that I don’t worry so much about what other people say. It’s easier said than done, though.

2020, Uncategorized

A Good Bye

Goodbye is hard to say.

It is these days, anyway.

In childhood, goodbye was never really goodbye. There was the promise that it was more of a ‘see you later’ than actually parting ways forever. You’d see the person at the next break, after school, at the play park, or even in a few days. Most of the people you leave, you will see again, and the phrase ‘goodbye’ doesn’t feel negative.

However, as you get older, the promise of seeing people once you’ve said farewell, isn’t always so certain. People start to leave your life, and they never come back. It becomes harder and harder to say goodbye. Because the promise that was once there, the idea you’d always see the person again, has gone.

Goodbye mean last forever. Until the time comes that it does.

2019

A Little Lost

This time of year is one where people often complain that they don’t know what day it is. This is mostly due to the festive period being a time where a lot of people are off work. It’s perfectly normal.

There is also this feeling of feeling in between two different emotions. Christmas is a time to show thanks, be grateful for what you have. And New Year is about looking forward to the future, step away from where you currently may be. Or that is how it has felt for me.

The festive period has been really difficult this year, due to a family loss. It has left me between being thankful for what I have, and wanting to move on. I am glad that there is people around, friends and family. But I also am afraid that stepping forward will lessen the memories I have. Honestly, I think every person feels like this with a loss, but Christmas just seems to exaggerate these feelings.

So, I feel like I am sitting in limbo. Time forces me forward, despite my wishes. It doesn’t matter whether I am ready, things move on. Doesn’t make things any easier though.

2019

Pause For Thought

There are times where, despite all the best intentions in the world, nothing you want to do gets done. Now, a lot of people assume that it is laziness that causes things to be left undone. But that isn’t always the case.

When I have a bad time with my mental health, I seem to function, just barely. I go to work, I eat, and I try to sleep. But that’s it. Trying to do anything additional, like housework can be very difficult. Sometimes it is hard to see past the end of the day, let alone actually do something by my own accord.

I try to collect myself, by thinking about where I am. Try to get myself amped up enough to do what i need to do. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But that’s the thing about life, sometimes things don’t work out, but you have to keep trying.

2019

Living In Disappointment

I have written about my mental health a lot on this blog. It is something that I have struggled with since my teenage years, and I find that writing about things is a lot easier than talking about them. But there is something that I don’t really talk about.

The constant feeling of disappointing people.

I am classed as ‘high functioning’ with my mental health, because I can work and generally do ‘normal’ things. Work helps me, because I find the routine helps with my anxiety, it is something regular, where I can get my head down and work hard. It distracts my overactive brain from overthinking things. I can talk to colleagues about nothing in particular, and it is good.

A lot of the time, anxiety hits after work, where I think about what I have done wrong, and I ALWAYS think there is something I have done wrong. And it sometimes takes me a while before I can get myself together enough to go and do anything else. Sometimes, it’s just too hard.

I feel like it takes a lot of energy to be ‘okay’ for work. I make myself go on because I need money, I need work so I can do the things I like. But sometimes, it means I don’t have the energy nor the mental capacity to deal with things outside work. And that means I can’t always make it to things. When things are out of my routine, my anxiety can be triggered. It means I can have a panic attack at anything.

My anxiety means that I sometimes can’t enjoy social events, as I fear I will get upset and ruin it for other people. Bring people down when they are doing something good. So, I find myself denying requests to go out, or not being forthcoming in arranging things with people. But, instead of feeling bad for ruining an event, i feel bad for letting a friend down. And I feel the assumption is that i don’t care. But that is not the case at all.