Own Worst Enemy

Sometimes I beat my self down, before I even have the chance to rise to my feet in the morning. I’d like to pretend that this is rare, and that I am the only person who feels like this, but I’d be lying. But reccently the ‘beat downs’ have been worse due to reccent events, and my confidence being shot to shit.

What has helped me through has been writing down my feelings about various situations. And whilst this helps me get my feelings ‘out there’, it also helps highlight some of the issues that are bothering me. I have a jotter, which I write in when I am on the bus, or at work, just when I’m generally frustrated and have no access to the internet. It’s like I can go through the process of blogging, without the need to do so.

It’s great. But today, when I was alone and near the place where the attack happened, I panicked. So I got out my jotter and started writing. The stuff that came out was a mess, but it did make some sense. When something has happened, and your life is kinda taken out of your hands, you panic. And I did. I started to say I shouldn’t be who I am anymore. I mean why be who makes you happy, if everyone else hates it.

In retrospect, that would be giving into pressure and changing a lot about me, and it probably wouldn’t be worth it. There would be something else to attack, probably me being fat, and the cycle will continue. And the only way to change how I feel about this, is by training me to react differently. Which is ignoring the people who mock, and just expressing my frustration in other ways. This doesn’t let the other person know they’ve hurt me, and let’s me let my frustrations go in a more controlled manner.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I am trying to put on a brave face and pretend that things are ok. But they aren’t. I think every person who I don’t know has the potential to hurt me. That it is going to happen again. And I smile and act as normal, but I feel so far from normal its almost comical.

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