2019

Not Everyone’s Pal

Anxiety has a habit of convincing a person, that everyone hates them. Or I get that anyway. That I could be the nicest person in the world, and everyone will still hate me. Over the years, it’s a feeling that has become so overwhelming that I try to make the opposite happen.

I feel like I have to be liked by everyone. I try to be friendly and helpful. I try to be the kind of person I like. Sometimes it’s like I become a Labrador, who is up in everyone’s business because they crave a pat on the head. But sometimes, I can be the nicest person in the world and someone still won’t like me.

I haven’t done anything wrong, but this other person doesn’t see eye to eye with me. And I take it really personal. Why don’t they like me? What did I do wrong? And my mind jumps to the worst conclusion, that everyone really hates me, they just don’t tell me that. It makes me become hyper aware of every little thing I do, as if I am trying to find the annoying bits.

If logic played a part in mental health, it would tell me that what I was feeling was silly. That not every person in the world is going to become friends, and that is okay. Doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong. It’s just the way life is sometimes.

Unfortunately, logic rarely has any space in my anxious wee brain.

2019

Pause For Thought

There are times where, despite all the best intentions in the world, nothing you want to do gets done. Now, a lot of people assume that it is laziness that causes things to be left undone. But that isn’t always the case.

When I have a bad time with my mental health, I seem to function, just barely. I go to work, I eat, and I try to sleep. But that’s it. Trying to do anything additional, like housework can be very difficult. Sometimes it is hard to see past the end of the day, let alone actually do something by my own accord.

I try to collect myself, by thinking about where I am. Try to get myself amped up enough to do what i need to do. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But that’s the thing about life, sometimes things don’t work out, but you have to keep trying.

2019

Blogmas day 1 of…

Every time I see a challenge for blogging, I want to join in. I want to see myself do something, than I can say was successful. Because, I will be honest, me and success don’t necessarily go hand and hand. I am a serial failer, it is like a talent. Not a talent anyone actually wants to have, to be honest.

The aim of blogmas is to create something every day of December and post it online. It is supposed to be a boost to your creativity, something to help kickstart flagging creativity. It sometimes works. A lot of the time I don’t keep up with anything, and I fall begging after a couple of days.

This doesn’t mean that I can’t try. I am optimistic, but life is rather busy at the moment. I know a lot of people are very good at being creative regularly, and when speaking to them, they have said that constantly challenging yourself is essential to keeping creativity alive.

2017, Uncategorized

Blogmas Day 4: Seeing Past Failure

As you may have noticed, there was no post yesterday. No particular reason, other than my head was in a bit of a mess. I think I gave myself too much to do, as it was my only day off. So, I do what I do, when I sense failure, and freaked out a little bit.

Fear of failure is a big trigger for my anxiety, and has been for a long time. If I can sense things going a bit iffy, then my brain automatically jumps to the point where I fail completely. This can cause meltdowns, panic attacks, and a internal degrading (making myself feel like a stupid shit). I think, seeing those things written down can take the impact out of those words. It doesn’t seem too bad, when it actually is awful. It’s the irrational panic that can be caused by the slightest thing falling through, be it plans with a friend, or that I simply didn’t find a particular item in the shop. Its a horrible thing.

What I have been trying ŧo do is not give up on things. For example, I didn’t follow my weightwatcher’s plan last week, but I am back on it now. Again, my head was a mess last week, and it is hard when you have noone to talk to about it. So, I just muddled through, and when I felt a wee bit better, I jumped back on that horse. Which is a good thing. I need to practice drawing a line under things, and starting afresh. Keep on swimming, as a certain cartoon fish sings.

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” – Denis Waitley

2017

Blogmas Day 2: Panic Stations

I think I jinxed it.

Yesterday I posted about being happy, so like clockwork, today kind of went a bit wrong. I had major anxiety in doing an induction at my work. This mean I almost freaked out, and had a meltdown, in front a big group of new starts. I managed to try and chill out, without bursting into tear in the middle of the session.

It was like welcome to your new job, now your instructor is going to freak out over nothing. The thing is, that it is very embarrassing. Even more, when I have a job, such as training people. It’s like ‘hey new people, sorry I sound strange, I’m trying not to completely freak out, but I promise this job isn’t too bad’. People I speak to always seem sympathetic, but I always get the sense that they kind of feel I am exaggerating. Which is not nice.

The good news is, that despite feeling agitated for a few hours, i focused on my job, and didn’t cry till I was alone. Also, I then continued with what i needed to do. It’s one of those things, that if i have the energy and will power to continue on, like I often don’t, then I feel better, naturally, because my brain is focusing on something else.

I didn’t let the small blip ruin my day, which is how I know I am in a much better place than I was previously.

2017

Happy Blogmas

Okay… I know a lot of people who film a video every day in the run up to Christmas, in something called ‘Vlogmas’. So, because I have fell off the bandwagon with writing, I decided to join this gimmicky little fad.

I am very good at starting these kind of challenges, but not too great at the delivery. And when I have attempted these kind of things previously, I have completely failed after a couple of days.

I have been busy, studying and working, alas not having a life. But I am in a good place. Which is fairly odd. I don’t really know what to say when things are going well. I feel like I have nothing to add to any conversation. But that’s not true, not really. I have said it before, but it is important to document good moments, as well as bad, so that you can focus on the better things. I have always had a habit on focusing on the bad, so maybe this can be a month of goodness.

Can always hope. But we are officially in Christmas month, and I like this time of year. Everyone seems to be a little happier, and that is nice. It’s a time to celebrate, so maybe that’s a good time to learn to recognise the good stuff life gives out.

Uncategorized

Accomplished

That is my Christmas organised. Everything is either already been given, or is sitting under the tree waiting to be opened. And it feels pretty great. 

Today, I heard people complain on how Christmas is stressful, and they wish they could cancel it. Christmas is one of the least stressful things, for me. I like the idea of finding a gift for a loved one, to let them know I care about them. It’s a bit of a ‘thank you’ for sticking by me for, yet another, disappointing year. And, as I get older, I am appreciating Christmas as the time I get to catch up with old friends, even just for a coffee. It’s that one time of the year, where everything seems to slow down and we can catch our breath.

However, there have been a few years not long past, where I did struggle at Christmas. Where in the run up, I felt lonely, despite being surrounded by people. I realise now, that the loneliness was something in my head, which at the time, only seemed to make me feel isolated. I faked my way through it though, to scared of letting anyone down any more than I needed to. That is not a good way for anybody to feel at any time of the year, but the festive period has a habit of exaggerating any feelings of negativity. 

My way through the bad feelings was to try and ignore them. And whilst it may have made the people around me oblivious, it made my mental health so much worse in the long run. 

So if you are feeling sad this Christmas please speak out. Your friends, family and colleagues do care about you, and may not try to help if you don’t say anything. They maybe don’t want to pry. But say you are finding things stressful, people will try and help you. 

If you feel like you have no one to talk to, there is always somewhere to turn at this particularly emotional time of year. Please visit http://www.samaritans.org or call 116 123 (UK & Ireland) for free and confidential help. 

Uncategorized

Holidays? What holidays?

People around me are happy, as they break off for their annual 2 week ‘Christmas holidays’. I am happy for them, I really am. I just wish that I could get a proper holiday too.

Since I got my first real job at a bakery when I was 16, I have always worked around Christmas. In shops, call centres or, like now, a warehouse. All things that really can’t shut down for 2 weeks, because people still need stuff. They need food, services and exchange what they maybe didn’t like for Christmas. The hospitals stay open, as do restaurants. The world keeps turning, not like it did when I was younger over the festive period.

One of the problems with working this time of the year, particularly if working with the public, is other people’s impatience. At Christmas, people expect miracles, that maybe can’t be delivered. I mean, a custom Christmas cake or an engineer to fix your TV won’t happen on Christmas Eve night. But people expect it too. As if their holiday is supposed to be perfect, but not anyone else’s. 

So, be nice to any workers you encounter over this festive period. I’m sure they would rather be at home with their famillies, and enjoy some downtime. Christmas is a very expensive time of year, and everyone is just trying to make things a bit better for their families. And maybe, not everyone gets to spend anything other than a few days with their loved ones. 

The festive season is supposed to be thinking about others. So make sure you do that. Think about those serving you this Christmas, and please be nice to them. 

Uncategorized

Lightsabers, ready?

I haven’t seen the new Star Wars. I would like to see it in a cinema, but I’ll wait till I can see it in 2D (can’t distinguish 3D) in relative peace and quiet. The last movie I saw just after release ended up with lots of kids chattering away, totally ruined it. But I feel that to fully experience The Force Awakens, I’d like to see it in the cinema. 

Like almost every person I know, a new movie in a universe I grew up watching, makes me excited. Not as excited as The Lion Guard (series from Disney’s The Lion King), but still excited. Just the prospect of something new, makes me excited and happy. People around me always get excited about TV shows, books or music. These things can become a positive focus in a person’s life. It can give a person, living under the worst of circumstances, a bit of light. 

You then get a meme, a small joke that someone ‘is one of the 1% who has never seen Star Wars’. Good for them, right? I mean, anyone can watch or not watch, whatever they want. It really doesn’t matter. But by proclaiming that your are a special snowflake because you don’t watch a movie? What does that achieve? Nothing. Except that some of the people maybe use that movie as something positive that maybe happened in a crappy year? Or maybe, using the movie as a reward for getting through the last several months. It may feel like a bit of an attack. Like that one thing that helped them through the last few months is a joke. To someone insecure, that can start a horrible cycle. 

Everyone has something that makes them happy, be it a sport, TV show, or anything really. You never know what those around you are feeling, so think before you share something. Because it can say more about you than you really think.