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To-Not-List

I have talked regularly on here, about what helps me get motivated. Because it has been something I have struggled with for years. One of the big things that has helped, has been writing ‘to-do’ lists. It is a simple way to methodically work through anything that is needing done. And the best thing is, that if you are feeling that little bit under motivated, you can make the items on your list. Like it seriously helped me tackle my anxiety, and I’d have days where I would have ‘put on socks’ and ‘go to bathroom’ on my list. But when I ticked them off, I’d feel motivated to get more of my list done, and I’d actually achieve something on a day where it would have been easy to do nothing.

But sometimes, a list doesn’t work. That happened yesterday. I came home with a huge plan of what I wanted to do. I wrote up a list, mostly chores, but also things like ‘tea break’. I came home, lay on my bed, and didn’t really move. I watched a movie, and then watched all the extras on the disc. Including commentary. And that was it. Nothing. So, when I woke up today, I thought about how to do an alternative. I needed to do something that would keep me going. Inspire me to do the tasks, like housework, that I don’t think anyone really wants to do.

But I came up with something that worked.

I filmed it.

I know that sounds silly. But, I just used my iphone and filmed wee clips as I got on with my day. And I did get everything done that I wanted to. And I even went out for a walk, and filmed bits of that too. Something that was really just me bumbling around doing what I needed to, ended up leading me to want to do something a bit different. It was a nice night so I went for a walk. It is amateur as anything, as it is all on my phone, but it was fun. I uploaded it online cause, I can. I like anything that leads me to express myself, and I ended up inadvertently doing that. The video is below.

I guess the point of this is, that sometimes what you may use to cope with any anxiety may not work. It hasn’t happened to me very often. I guess, the important thing is to stay calm. There is no need to panic, just know what it is that normally calms you, and just look at a different angle. All I did, by videoing my day, was record what I did slightly differently. And that small difference, made a huge difference to both my anxiety and productivity.

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Positive Change

So we are in February already. Usually the quick passing of time gets me quite depressed, but not at the moment. I feel like 2016 has got off to a fantastic start so far. Even with the few road bumps that have occurred.

I feel like I have always been quite open in here, as I have attempted to deal with the mental health issues that I experience. I spent 2015 trying to learn how to deal with bad stuff that happened to me. The biggest problem, is that for years I have struggled at looking past anything negative. I was upset about things that had happened, and worried about things that could have happened in the future. It’s really so stressful.

So, I have put a lot of effort into try to focus all my energy on making every day, better that the day before. Which is hard, almost like re-training yourself. Which is hard, because it sometimes feels like society trains us to be overly negative, just by the tone everything is. Sometimes, it feels like we are expected to be overly critical of ourselves, something that starts at school. We are taught, or I feel like I was, that I could work my arse off, but sometimes it wasn’t good enough. And, I think that has bred the anxiety that has caused me issues as I’ve grown up.

But, by focusing on now, and doing the things that satisfy me, I have been a lot happier. If something bad happens, I’ll still feel bad about it, but I’ll also do something that makes me happier. This helps move my focus on from what is negative. And by that simple thing of changing my focus, I stop thinking about whatever bad thing has happened.

I talk about it a little more in the video below

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Can’t Get Into A Book

I read a lot. I have done for years. I am a regular at my local library and have rented books since I was at Primary School. I try to read about 2-3 book a month, but it can vary. A lot of the books that I read are recommended to me by friends, or I read a review somewhere. But most of the books I pick up, is because I am told it is something that I would get into.

One of these suggestions was the Lord of the Rings collection. Which I bought in High School after a classmate did a book report on it, and it seemed really cool. So I bought the full collection in the one book, for the normal reason, that it was on offer. Good times, or so I thought. For over a decade the book sat on my bookshelf, with me struggling to get past Book 1. I just struggled with feeling that the book wasn’t getting anywhere. I am not kidding when I say you could tell how far I got in the book by how badly bent the spine was. It was really comical.

But then, the movies happened. I have always believed that someone should read the book, before you watch the movie or TV show. But, due to my struggles, I decided to make an exception. And I did. Watching the movies actually helped me get through the storyline a lot easier. And because I liked the movies, I then read the book fairly quickly. And this time the story was a lot easier to take in, and enhanced what the movies told. Which is to be expected. Not getting into a book is something that has happened before. I have recently attempted an Audiobook, to try and get through The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I made a video you can see below, talking about this.

I can’t be the only person who has issues with getting into books. How do other people cope with this? Do you force yourself on, or do you look for an alternative way enjoy the story? Let me know, unless I really am alone. Which wouldn’t surprise me.

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Technology’s Least Favourite Person

The biggest problem about using a lot of technology, is that sometimes it can stop working. Something happens, and it feels that, no matter what you do, things just don’t go the way you plan it. That is the problem that I had today. First my phone refused to charge. It kept popping up with a message saying ‘device is not compatible’, despite me using an official Apple charger. It’s not something that surprises me, because despite the cost and how good the actual devices are, iPod/ iPhone charger cables are absolute terrible. They always seem to break, a small lose connection renders the thing useless. I got the cable working again, mostly by unplugging it from the mains for a bit. I don’t know how but it seemed to work.

And that was okay. After visiting the Doctors, I decided that I would use the afternoon to make a video, get my YouTube channel working again. So I thought I’d record a video explaining why my previous videos had disappeared, and the name change, which has all happened for the same reasons as this blog has changed. There was no point in having the ‘graphics’ title in anything if I wasn’t uploading anything to do with art. Makes sense. I made all my existing vlogs private, as if to get a clear slate to work off. So far, so good. I then decided to record a quick vlog, explaining the changes. I tried using my Canon camera, it didn’t work because something corrupted in the memory card and I had to format it. So attempt one was a bust. I then tried to use my webcam, but my movie editor wouldn’t pick up the sound, at all. So I resorted to my iphone. Shot a video in 2 parts, went to import it into my computer, and it didn’t transfer just deleted the videos off my phone.

At this point, I was close to just leaving it. But, after some delving, I realised the current iOS YouTube app allows you to upload direct from the app. Which is good, because for a while there, you had to upload using a different app. Which was a pain. This time, fortunately, the video recorded and uploaded no problems. It did mean that the video wasn’t edited, but at the stage I was at, it didn’t really seem important.  But I got it up, which is a good thing, considering that YouTube is where my creativity tends to go to die. It is easier to watch people’s stuff, than make your own. But because vlogging helps me just as much as blogging does, I thought I’d make the effort.  See the results below.

The video is so simple, but I don’t think that people realise how much effort goes into making a simple video appear online. I mean, it has taken me hours just to get that video available for others to watch. Of course, technology was a major problem today, but usually I would edit a video, and that takes time. And I think people need to remember how long things take, before they post hate on someone’s videos.

Life

Begin again?

I am starting afresh. Not with life, or work. More my attitude. Since I started having a lot of difficulties with both depression and anxiety, several years back, I have had a rather defeatist attitude. Whenever I would try and get myself on track, I would fail. Things would fall apart. Why? Because I had no faith in myself. I thought I was destined to fail, so when things got difficult, I gave up. Rather than invite myself to a nightout, I’d stay at home. I just feel like I have missed out on a lot. At 30 years old, I am not where I thought I would be. And it is depressing. It leads me into that vicious circle, where being depressed, makes me more depressed, and so forth.

But I have had enough.

Today, after watching Superwoman (Lilly Singh), I felt inspired by her enthusiastic way she does videos. Even her daily vlogs has this hyperactive person as the starring role, even when Lilly herself probably isn’t feeling so great. And it made me think about how I carry myself in a day to day manner. And I realised that there is nothing I need to do every day, to get me that energetic and ready to go. I just slump out of bed, and sludge around to where I need to go. It got me thinking, maybe I should do something that gets the blood flowing a little bit. So, I decided to try doing videos on Youtube again, and do it differently to how I had before.

When I have previously recorded videos, I sat down, and blabbed nonsensically to a camera. Which would have been okay, but I feel because of my slouching, my voice maybe wasn’t as clear as I wanted it to be. And because, I wasn’t exactly thrilled, I didn’t really promote it, and got really discouraged. But, I guess my whole outlook on life at the time, had a lot to do with that. So, I shot a video by shooting for an hour, standing up, being the kind of forced happy you are when you have to sell something really, really expensive. It seems really nasty written down, but it really has got me motivated for the day. I did some housework, and various computerlike things as well. I have owned today, and I feel it is because the first time in a long time I forced myself to get up and used a lot of energy. My day, that started with me sleeping through my alarm, has progressed into a rather productive one. HOORAY!!

Video is down below:

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Note: the ‘fair independence referendum’ thing I was posting, is still in writing. It has turned out to be quite the task to find fact based points, which isn’t slating the opposition. So stressful. But I am determined to post stuff, so stay tuned. 

Video

Pushing Forward

I am feeling awful inspired today. That may have to do with the fact that I have a ton of housework to do before I go back to work tomorrow. Doing things I need to do has never been my strong point. Rather than doing what actually needs to be done, I think up new things that excites me more, and do them instead. Hooray!

One of  the things I have motivated to do is argue with GIMP (free image editing software) enough to make a new banner for all of my social networks and things. I have been diving back into the internet a lot more recently, particularly YouTube. The YouTube community I have loved for the last 5-6 years has been rocked by lot of bad stuff over the last week or so. This is stopping a lot of creators from making content, as they become wary about their audience and who they befriend through it. It’s desperately sad, because the majority of people on YouTube, are perfectly normal people. And in a bid, to get back into trying to contribute to a community that I love, I decided to give my channel a reboot. My first video is below, please check it out. 🙂

I am planning on doing VEDA, Vlog Every Day in April, this year. Yes, I am being hopeful and going to vlog once a day. *cough* Seriously. At least I am hopeful. Ask me again how I feel after the first week of April. 🙂

*I am writing an entry on Consent which is to do with the Youtube/wrock situation. In the meantime, if you find yourself caught in any situation where manipulation of any kind is involved, please speak to someone. It is not okay for someone to control you AT ALL.