Winter Worn-Out

Winter has well and truly landed. The season which includes warm nights, hot drinks, family times and new beginnings. It is easy to romanticise the whole period, as there are a lot of good points. It is the one time of the year where everyone gets some time off work and school, to spend time together. And, in a world that doesn’t seem to stop, this is a thing that can’t be taken for granted.

I always work extra at this time of year. Help me get some money for Christmas, and to get on top of my bills for the start of the new year. Which sounds great, but there is always a downfall. This is the time of year where I ALWAYS end up sick. There is so much stuff to do, and I am constantly going from the cold into the heat, which makes it super easy to pick up bugs and stuff. And, I am now sitting on my bed, struggling to breathe and feeling so tired.

I am working 50 hours a week for most of December, and that means that I just have to ‘plod on’ when I feel so crap. I always work extra at this time of year, and always get sick as a result. So I am going to have to just have cold capsules. I don’t like Lemon tea or Lemsip, so I might just try to have a couple cups of tea, and get all cosy whilst I work away on my laptop.

Sometimes, I wish I was a kid again. Where I could take a day off school and watch cartoons all day, and not worry about missing out on money. Those were the days.


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Server Not Found

Everything in this modern world seems to rely on an internet connection. Which is all fine and well, until you can’t get connected to the internet. When it happens, you think of how you took the internet for granted. It can feel a little ‘woe is me’ a little bit. Which is pathetic, really.

A lot of problems for connections come from devices themselves. If they are switched on a lot, like phones, computers, and Smart TVs, can get a bit slow and don’t do the things that we want them to. So, it is always good to make sure you properly switch all the power off for your devices sometimes. It also shuts down any processes that your device may have got stuck processing, which is always a good thing.

However, there are times when every device is effected. It could be, like above, that the router has got ‘bogged down’ with information, so you may need to switch it off. Usually a quick switching the power socket off and on is enough to fix many problems. You could also need to update software, which should happen regularly automatically, but your manual for your router should discribe this for you. 

The speed has got worse over time, which has to lead to me wondering if it is effected by neighbour’s using their internet connection, or a poor cable connection into the house. If that is the case, then changing providers won’t make a difference.  I have been wanting to look for help, but the most common method of finding help is the internet. So, what do you do?

It’s really no good when you need help from the internet, and the internet doesn’t work.


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Same Thing

A lot of things, in my life haven’t exactly gone to plan. I try a lot of things, get a lot of ideas, and they end up fading away into nothing. It’s okay, because that happens to everyone. But, I feel like sometimes I repeat my mistakes, almost as if I learn nothing. It’s almost as if I expect to get different results by doing things the same way as before.

It’s very frustrating.

I have talked on here several times, about problems that arise from my mental health issues, particularly anxiety. Something that can have me struggling to breathe, and feeling very uncomfortable no matter where I am. Sometimes, I find it very hard to get any motivation to make things different. Things never change, so what’s the point. Sometimes I think I get stuck, emotionally and physically. Where I get too comfortable in my little bubble of failure. I don’t want to venture out of my ‘bubble’, because I am scared that I will make things worse, rather than better. It’s like I have issues now, and I don’t have any ‘real’ problems. So, I must be doing things wrong, if I am struggling so much. So, I do the same things over and over again, in the hope that I will eventually do things right, and then feel better. 

But, that’s not how things work. I am trying to put logic into everything that is going on, and with anything related to mental health, that doesn’t work. So, I am trying to push myself to do different things. It is very hard though. It can be so exhausting just trying to function, it is hard to find the willpower and energy to try and do something different. 

They do say that success only happens where a person doesn’t let failure stop them.

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Updates Smupdates

I have been having a bit of a nightmare recently. Where I don’t feel like I have anything to say. It doesn’t sound too problematic to most people, but when you are used to expressing yourself in a therapeutic way, it really becomes suffocating. I have previously found that anonymity of writing things online, without it effectively anything in my personal life. Recently though, I have been finding that more and more things are getting back to people, who are getting offended that I don’t want to talk to them about my problems. And this means that I don’t write down or say anything, because I feel guilty that I can’t simply phone someone up and explain away my feelings. I wish that would work, but it doesn’t for me.

As a result, I have been hesitant on what I write down in personal and public journals. And it has been awful. I feel so much more stressed than I had been, when writing regularly. This could be just a coincidence, with me getting phased on anti-depressants at the same time I found it difficult to write about things, but it feels more significant than that. I think that it hurts that the one thing that provided me with some relief with my mental health issues is now triggering the same issues that I would write about.

My anxiety gets triggered by a lot, but feeling guilty is a major one. A lot of the time the guilt is about something that has nothing to actually do with me, personally. I always worry that someone has taken offense to what I have said, and it really stresses me out. I have panic attacks, which are very messy and full of tears. I will dwell on things for days. If someone speaks to me harshly, then I assume it is something I have done wrong, so I panic over it. Someone can say something to me that they will forget within 10 minutes, but I will stress over it for days. It’s frustrating because, logically, there is nothing for me to be concerned about, but logic doesn’t seem to be a factor when anxiety takes hold.

I remember when I first started having mental health issues, when I was a teenager, and everything was just brushed off. I lost count in the amount of times that I was told to ‘grow up’, something that stuck with me for a long time. Like, this big, dark cloud that I was dealing with, was just me being immature. It wasn’t, but by the time I realised this, had stopped turning to people, as I was obviously a burden. I fear judgement and guilt from turning to other people, something that is a massive part of my anxiety. And now, the same people who told me to ‘grow up’ all those years ago, want me to talk to them?

It is difficult, and people should always be mindful in how they act towards others. Just because something doesn’t effect you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect other people.

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National Coming Out Day

Today is a day where a lot of members of the LGBTQ+ community tell their’coming out’ story to the world. It is to encourage other people to feel safe in telling the world about their sexuality. And, as a person who knows how hard it is to try and tell people, this is a good thing. And the day should be celebrated, that people should be who they are without any negative results from that.

For myself, I have found it hard. I identify as a lesbian, I like girls, and have never really been interested in boys, past that small period of experimentation as a teenager. A lot of the people I hang out with, just picked up that I was gay. Which is nice, because that way, you don’t have to cross any barrier, its just there and nothing changes. It’s hard to type this, because I have never felt that I wanted to publicise it, in any way. It would be different if I was in a serious relationship, but I am not.

When I was younger, I had this thought that I shouldn’t expect anyone else to love me, if I don’t love myself. A thought that has stuck with me for a very long time. Looking back, I think that I believed this because of my own lack of self-belief. After speaking to a therapist,  it seems that a lot of my problems with mental health and how I view myself, has come from that part of my life, when I started struggling with school and realised that, unlike my friends, I wasn’t going to achieve what I wanted. And I kind of put my head down, and just tried to get on with it. But, as time went on, my self-worth has got less and less. Which is sad.

So, I went out with boys and girls for a while, because as well as my mental health, I was also struggling with my sexuality. Part of me felt so different from everyone around me already, I didn’t know if defining my sexuality would actually make things worse. As it happened, it didn’t, but it also didn’t make things any easier. I did date a bit, but nothing has ever stuck. And, it feels like my brain needs a definate answer of why nothing seems to last, and it goes back to the thought of ‘noone can love you, if you don’t love you’. And I can’t say when the last time I loved myself was. So I have held back.

I haven’t really publicly ‘came out’ because, at the moment, that isn’t the thing which is suffocating me. And, it’s actually okay for me. I mean, who I date, or love, is something that is personal to me. In fact, there some people who may read this, and this will be the first they have heard about me being gay. Because my sexual orientation is just part of who I am, I never thought about sitting people down, and telling them about it. I think I am very fortunate though, I have  good people around me, who are very loving and have a relaxed attitude towards a lot of things.

 

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Not All Bad

I use this blog a lot for complaining and talking about my mental health. Whilst, this has become a good place, where I can let all my agro out, it also gives the impression that all I do is wallow. Which, is actually untrue. I am very guilty of focusing on the ‘bad stuff’, but that just seems to be how my brain is wired. So, today, I am making a conscious effort to write about 5 positive going-ons in my life. I say 5 because sometimes I find it hard to think of any so this may be challenging.

  1. I became an Auntie. Last week, my little nephew Carter was born. He is so tiny and cute. We haven’t had a baby in my immediate family since my sister was born, and she is now 21. When my sister was born, I was 13 and was going through that terribly angsty, teenage phase. I wasn’t as ‘hands on’ as I could have been, and that has always made me feel a little bad. But, with baby Carter, I just want to cuddle him and help out however I can. The presence of a baby works as a reminder of not squandering life, or to me, it is anyway.
  2. Continuing my studies. This is a big one for me. I really struggled to keep ‘on top’ of my studies last semester, but I kept at it and managed to hand in my last assessment on schedule. My second year starts this week, and I am excited. I am studying towards a degree in IT and Computing, and last year was mostly an introduction. It is a course which I am doing through the Open University, which allows me to work my full-time job, as well as studying. It is a good way to try and get better job prospects for the future, still having a full-time wage. The next part of my course includes networks, robotics and automation. This is things that my work uses to get things done, so I am hoping that I can link them both together.
  3. Always at work. The last time I experienced bad mental health, I took a lot of time off work. This time around, I haven’t missed a single day. My managers and the team I work with have been super supportive when I have bad moments. I tend to cope better if my mind is occupied, the moment my brain starts to wonder is when I start panicking. My work is very good at making sure I am doing a variety of tasks, and this keeps me occupied. Work is exhausting, but it is really good that I have still stuck at it.
  4. Creativity. Doodling, writing, photography and video making. All the things that I like to do. I am not the best, but these things make me feel better. And sometimes, especially when you tell someone that you write a blog or film videos, you get dismissed. Did you know that being creative is something that people can ‘grow out of’? I didn’t. But apparently keeping a blog as I stumble through adulthood is frowned upon. People do say mean-spirited things, but I try to ignore that. Creating stuff gives me joy, and nobody should be able to take that away.
  5. Friends. I have super supportive and friendly people around me, something I don’t focus on enough. I always have people to meet with and chat to. I know that if things get really bad, I can PM  so many people for help. But a lot of the time, I just need a distraction from whatever is going on in my brain, and my friends offer that. Whether it is having a moan about work, going for dinner or playing computer games, it is good to disconnect from my feelings sometimes. But it is good that I can then be there for them too if it is needed.

 

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Cancelled

I have tried to be honest when I write on here. And it has proven to be something very helpful when dealling with my mental health. Because I find it difficult to speak to people about what I am going through, writing into the void seems a lot easier for me. It,unfortunately, doesn’t mean things become easier to handle.

One of the managers from my work is leaving, and people had organised a nightout for him. I was working all day, when this was happening. But, I thought that I might turn up for a bit, and at least buy the guy a beer and wish him luck. Seemed like a good plan, I’d just go up after work, stay for a few hours, stick to soft drinks and drive myself home. It seemed like a good plan. But then, anxiety happened. I knew everyone who was going to be there, I knew the pub, it wasn’t a big deal. There is no telling my brain that, when it starts getting ahead of itself though. I had a panic attack. I ended up struggling to breathe and crying over nothing. In my car. Like an idiot. I had been fine all day, I don’t know why I felt so bad all of a sudden. I decided to get some food and see if I felt better, but I ended up getting a migraine and going to bed early. I felt awful that I wasn’t able to go out. I am trying to go easier on myself, but it is hard.

I feel that I cancel a lot of plans these days, and it is hard. I feel like a constant let down, and it’s a horrible feeling. Like, how are you supposed to ‘be there’ for people, when you physically can’t be anywhere? It makes me feel like such a shit person. And that makes me want to stay locked up in solitary confinement even more. When I speak to people, or try to, I get told to stop over-thinking. I can’t help what I am thinking about, it isn’t like I consciously decide to over-react. That isn’t how it works.

I just wish I could find out how ‘it’ does work. Would make things a bit easier. At least I’d be able to explain it to the people I disappoint.

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