Multi- Media Anxiety

Oh, these days are magical. You can communicate with someone on the other side of the world, as easy as you can communicate with your pal down the road. The internet has truly made the world smaller. Which is great.

Until you have a problem with anxiety.

Now, I have a job, and I am studying a university course, and people doubt that I can have any problems whilst doing those things. I can be okay when I am in a routine, when there is something I can focus on. I have this awful fear of disappointing people. So, when it comes to work, the point of disappointment is not attending work, so that someone else has to do my job. It’s this idea that I am letting someone down, and it is something that can make me panic and have sleepless nights.

This brings me to social media messaging. If I know the person well, I can message back fine. Usually. The problem is, that I assume that whatever expectancy someone has, I am just going to fail. I feel like a ‘wet blanket’, that I am just going to bring someone ‘down’. Like, other people are busy having lives, and I am still here, stuck in my own head. So, sometimes I am messaged by people, and my mind trips me up over the obligation to message back. And I panic, I worry, and I find it hard to reply.

Of course, that isn’t the case all the time. But when it does, I feel like my lack of reply has created an issue. That I have offended someone by my own inability to do something so trivial. The thing is, people do take offence. I have had people get grumpy with me, thinking that I have ignored them, without them being aware that I spend hours of my life worrying about a small message. Writing it out, it does seem really stupid. But that is anxiety, something so silly and stupid, but something I can’t seem to help.

So, if you message someone, and they don’t message back, try not to give them a hard time. It can be hard being so connected to the internet and to the world all the time. It is easy to get overwhelmed. Everyone may reach the point where they need to switch off their phone and have some downtime. And it is okay. It really is.

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Not As Bad As It Looks

When you read articles which help you plan ahead for a successful future, they are very good at telling you hope for the best. That things are going be great, no matter what. Which is nice, hopeful, and a good thing to work towards. Obviously, as people get older, what makes them happy, doesn’t stay the same. And depending on what people go through, it can also be hard to settle on anything happy.

When I studied, back when I was younger, I had varying amounts of success. At the earlier years at school, those first exams, it was fairly straightforward, I studied and I got results. It was awesome. But over time, I found that I was getting dis-interested. I didn’t do completely bad, but it felt so much harder to sit down and work on what I needed to. Eventually, I just think I felt apathy towards all education. I forced myself to try and further my education and find that elusive ‘better life’, I had read about. It made everything so much harder, and when the results weren’t matching the effort I put in, I started to feel really discouraged. It has left me with a mindset, where I am set up to fail.

I work hard, but recently, it has become clear that if I want to get in a better paying job, I need to do something other than just work. So, I had think, about what I am interested in, and what field is always in need of workers. So, I signed up for a course with the Open University, which is in IT and Computing. And it is very interesting, and I am enjoying it. However, the last module I did, contained coding for creating programs, and I felt the mindset set in, as well as utter panic. I felt a little lost, and I panicked, because I was challenged, I assumed I was going to fail. The panic was bad, that I struggled to complete some of the questions that I needed to answer. I assumed that meant that everything was over. It wasn’t. I got my result back today, and out of a possible 90, I got 78, I only dropped 12 marks, which was such a shock.

It’s made me realise that a lot of what you experience, does have a lasting effect on you. I was so surprised to have done so much better than expected, and it was a nice surprise. Maybe, it would be better to try and live in the moment, and not mentally jumping 10 steps ahead. But, that is a major issue with my anxiety, but the more I realise it happening, the more I can try to change things.

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January Fail

Well, it’s like I have blinked and the first month of 2018 is over. Already. And, it already has been a crap fest. Mostly feeling run down, but it leads to everything being a struggle. Work, socialising, studying… everything seems like it has taken so much extra effort. Effort, that I don’t really have the energy for.

But it’s done with. So I shall close the first chapter of 2018, and try to get on with the rest of the year. Which is starting well, as it is taking longer than normal to write this, as I appear to have made one of my main objectives of February to cough up a lung. Lovely stuff.

One of the things I need to do is redo this blog a bit. I think that a lot of the information is out of date, and it’s just looking a bit stale. I am planning to try and get started on this over the weekend, alongside studying. As, I doubt I shall be adventuring very far till this cough goes away.

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Something Different

When it comes to trying to get things done, I seem to get so far, and then stop. Not on purpose. My attention starts to wain, and I end up just leaving whatever project alone, in a drawer and do everything I can to avoid looking at it.

I read a news paper article a while ago, where it spoke about focusing on actions that work for you. It sounds a little silly, but because everyone is different, it’s not too hard to assume that not every path works for everybody. I am going to use studying as an example. Some people learn by reading, some by listening, some take notes, and some draw diagrams. There are so many different ways to learn, and although the ‘taking notes’ option is the recommended by educators, it may not work for you. It doesn’t work for me. I do better if i read stuff out loud, and try and doodle wee diagrams about what I read. And, when I read back it always seems easy to understand.

As mentioned in my last post, I have joined weight watchers to try and lose weight. Previously, I have always used other people and their comments about me, to push me to change. But, someone mentioned in the weight watchers community, that a person should want to get healthy for themselves, and because they love their body. It sounds odd, but it is a concept so foreign to me, it might work.

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Ramblings and Resolutions.

2018 has got off to a bumpy start. Nothing I am really prepared to go on about in a public manner, but enough that I wish there was a ‘reboot’ button, much like what used to be on my old Sega, so that I could restart this 2018 level again.But, life isn’t like that.

After some thinking, the best way to even out a crappy start, is to plan for succeeding the rest of the year. So, I made the very unusual (for me) plan of creating a list of resolutions I would like to do for 2018. I have a small notebook, that I am using like a ‘creative journal’, which is more like a scrapbook, and it allows me to focus on what I want, and set up easy goals. This is not really the way I have worked towards things before, so I hope it works.

My Resolutions

  1. Lose Weight- I want to get healthier, and over the last few years I have struggled, mostly because I had been struggling with mental health as well. So, now I feel like I like myself more, so I want to make the effort, to get healthy. I have joined weight watchers, and am excited to start this journey.
  2. Read 50 books- I had this aim last year, but only read 8 books, which is okay, but nowhere near what I had hoped. I love reading, but I sometimes struggle to concentrate. So I have normal books, my kindle and audiobooks, and hope they will all help.
  3. Write more- 2017 was a pretty disasterous year for me, writing wise. Like above, with the books, I struggled to focus on things, and just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. I’d like to plan better, and hopefully find more things to write about.
  4. Make more videos- I made 1 video last year, which is really bad. I have spent the best part of the last 5 years as an observer on YouTube, with the odd upload now and then. I enjoy watching videos of general vlogs, where people talk about what is important to them, so that’s what I want to do more of. Just document things a bit more.
  5. Have more baths- I love a bath, especially after a long day at work. There is nothing better than sitting in a hot bubble bath, with a book or Netflix playing on a tablet. It’s like for a small while, you can shut the world out.
  6. Discover New Music- This one is more general. I love music, but over the last few years, I have found myself listening to the same music all the time. And I miss the buzz of listening to a new band.
  7. Get a new car- I did get a car last year, but I was in an accident and it was scrapped. Having a car is so convienient, and I really miss it. It is such a pain getting the bus, when I did get used to driving myself about. I’d like a small car. I was going to get a newer car on finance, but I really don’t want any more debt right now.
  8. Sort out finances- I am really bad at burying my head under the sand. I push bills back and back, and then I get stuck, and it becomes so hard. I want to get a plan, and then work through the plan in small steps. And hopefully, my credit score will be better by the end of the year.
  9. Tidy up (keep tidy)- I am very lazy. And that combined with long shifts, makes a mess very easily. The most annoying part is, that I love when things are tidy and organised, I just have a problem with being tidy and organised.
  10. De-clutter life- I am a bit of a hoarder, and don’t like throwing things away. Books, shoes, bags, DVDs, CDs… I have too much. So, again, doing things gradually might help. Going to take things to the charity shop, as even if it gets sold cheap, its better than it sitting unused in my closet.
  11. Have more fun- I do worry too much. So I want to try and ‘let go’ a little bit more. I spend a lot of time alone, and often, that means that I have to go places on my own. And my anxiety can cause issues with that. Obviously, I am not expecting miracles, but hopefully I can relax a little bit and enjoy life.

 

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Happy 2018

The annual ‘first post of the year’ is here. Already. I like to reflect on things and plan ahead, the start of a new calendar year seems like the perfect time to do that.

2017, wasn’t as bad a year as some other recent years have been. It’s the first year, where I feel like I started taking my mental and physical health more seriously. I spent time in the gym, which helped a lot. And I also learnt to step back when things become hard, not to force myself into goals which are stressing me out more than they should. This is something that happens A LOT, thanks to the fact I overthink things. And I think that has helped me so much. It means that despite crashing my first car, not progressing anywhere (eg career or otherwise) and losing contact with old friends, I still ended 2017 optimistically. Which is a nice change.

Looking forward, i think I may stick to the same tactic as before. Where I didn’t keep actual resolutions, just general broad goals. I would like to do better at losing weight, keep on track with uni work, do overtime, get a new car, get a place of my own… the list can go on a bit. So I am prioritising things, and the main ones are focusing on my health and doing the work I need to do for uni. Everything else, I would like to happen, but I won’t feel to down if it doesn’t. Things happen in baby steps after all.

My 2017 was better than 2016, so all I want is for 2018 to be better again. And that’s all I wish for anybody out there. Happy new year.

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T’was The Season

Christmas time is a great time of the year. It is that one time of the year, where people can spend time with their loved ones, and where thanks is given to those who support us. It is still the one period of the year, where everyone get’s some time off work. It is nice to see that a lot of non-essential businesses closed, as everyone needs a time to cool down and relax.

The only problem is, that I started planning for Christmas months in advance, usually by making lists for what I want to gift people, but I don’t actually do anything about it till the last minute. Once again, I ended up running around town on Christmas Eve, getting presents and the like. Because I know what I am getting people, it is fairly easy to get in the shops I need to, and then leave.I find it best, as that way I don’t have to deal with too bad crowds, as I am ready for home before midday.

Christmas day is classed as that one day where I eat too much, and watch rubbish on TV, and this year was no exception. When you work hard all year, it is nice to just kick back with family. And to me, that is what the period is about. Yes, presents are nice, but it’s about showing your thanks and chilling out.

You will notice, that ‘blogmas’ fell apart pretty quick, as expected. But December is the one month where time seems to just disappear. One day it was the start of the month, and it felt like it was Christmas day within a blink of an eye. Which is scary. They say that time going fast is a sign of getting older, which I am not particularly keen to think about.

But in a few days, we say goodbye to 2017, and start afresh with 2018. And I feel genuine excitement.

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