Going Offline

The world has become a little crazy, hasn’t it?

I have found myself writing my feelings into a traditional journal. It’s been good. It means, that I am still able to get my feelings out, but don’t seem to overthink, or procrastinate as much as I do when there is an internet connection involved.

So, I write a few pages of rambling, before bed. And it actually has been helping me sleep better. Because I am not clicking on another tab, or looking through Facebook nonsense. It’s a positive thing. And in these, very challenging, times, it’s good to try and claim any positivity we can.

You Do You

What is the worst habit that you have?

Some would say smoking, not exercising enough, or drinking too much. I would say that most people’s bad habit should be talking about other people. Talking poorly about a person you don’t know, or only partly know.

A person only starts to think about this when it is them being spoken about. It is for them that an area turns quiet as they walk by, hushed voices giggling to one another. People speak, and sometimes their words get back to the person they are about. And when you are struggling to function, to hear others speaking nonsense can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Normally in this situation, people don’t realise the damage they have done till it’s too late. It can be hard to admit that the words that you have spoken could have really hurt someone. Because, that is never the intention. People talk rubbish about others to help ease their own frustrations about work, life, or whatever.

I know that I have been at both sides of this. I have talked crap, but I have also had crap said about me. And it is something that I have been thinking about a lot. I know that, personally, I want people to like me. I want to be friends with everyone. Of course, that is something that is not always possible, you cannot please everyone. And, to hear that people don’t like me to the point that they’d talk as soon as my back was turned, broke my heart. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I would worry about something like this for weeks. I would analyse every little thing I did, to see if there was anything that would offend anyone. It’s compulsive and irrational, but I can’t help it.

Recently, I’ve tried to change things. Focus on myself, and do what makes me happy. I wouldn’t purposely harm anyone or anything, and that should be my focus. Some people won’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m going to just try do what I like. Keep my mind busy, so that I don’t worry so much about what other people say. It’s easier said than done, though.

My 2020 Vision

Happy New Year.

What do I want for the year?

Try to experience life in the moment: I sometimes worry too much about what could happen, rather than focus on what is actually happening. It is something created by my anxiety, but I want to try and change how I think about stuff. It seems hard, but it’s worth a try.

Get healthier: this is on a lot of people’s resolution list. I don’t care about weight really, I just want to feel better. I am trying Veganuary, in the hope I will feel better. Luckily a lot of people are trying it, so there is so much support. Again, I might not get it perfect, but it has to start from somewhere.

Draw more: I think I used this last year. I have purchased an Apple Pencil to use on my iPad, so that I can draw digitally. I just need to practice more. It’s always hard using a new tool, but it is something a wee bit exciting. If anything decent happens, I’ll share on here.

Write more: this is definitely something I did say last year. But 2019 kicked me in the butt quite hard. My mental health was rubbish, and that lead to me not wanting to do much at all. So, I hope that I post more than I did in 2019, which shouldn’t be too hard.

That’s it.

I like giving myself vague targets, because it makes it slightly easier to aim for. Because sometimes, if you fall too far behind, you just give up. Or I do.

May Challenge: Umbrella

There are some things that you have to just understand that you just cannot have certain things in your life. And for me, it is an umbrella. You see, I live in Scotland, near the coast, and on top of a hill. If I try to use an umbrella, two things would happen. It would break within a few minutes, or I would be flying through the sky like an overweight Mary Poppins.

The wind that we experience, where I live, has bested many umbrellas, both cheap and expensive. When it rains, which it does often, the drops always come in at some kind of angle. And it is best to just wear something with a hood, and get on with it.

I think an umbrella can deal as (a bad) metaphor for what it is like dealing with mental health. The umbrella, is the shelter from the rain for most people. It is an efficient way to keep a person dry. However, it isn’t the solution for everyone. I struggle to shelter myself from the negative thoughts that occur in my head. It can feel like I am drowning, and the only thing I can do is get my head down and carry on. Which is hard.

So I am a little bit like a drowned rat, most of the time. But I’m still here. Still plodding with very little success. But sometimes, enjoying the rainfall and realising you aren’t alone, is enough of a success.

May Challenge: Pranks

I have never really been a person for pranking others. I’ll join in the laughter if someone else pulls a prank, but I’m not very good at planning one, myself. If I do think of a funny prank, I usually giggle away to myself and ruin everything. I am like that when telling jokes too.

When I was little, I remember that I would do funny things, to make people laugh. But, when people did laugh, for some reason, I would get upset and cry. I really don’t why. I just seemed to get embarassed easily. There was no comprehension in my mind, that the laughter I was receiving, was for what I said. Noone was actually laughing AT me. I would get flustered instead.

At work, we can sometimes play pranks on each other. It usually involves hiding someone else’s tools somewhere else. But, again, I show that Iam the guilty party by laughing. If I don’t laugh, a big sign that I have done something is that my face turns bright red. It is the reason why I am a rubbish liar, my beetroot coloured face ruins everything.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

May Challenge: salty

I like savoury food. Give me a choice of meal options and I’d probably chose everything but the pudding. I really do not have a sweet, never have done.

My guilty tends to be crisps. Or potato chips, depending on where you live. Salt and vinegar is my favourite, but I also love cheesy crispy things, like Doritos or Wotsits.

I always hear that so many girls crave chocolate when they have a bad day. I don’t. Some ready salted Hula Hoops are my preference. I don’t know why. Yes sugar is good, but I get sick or sweet things. I struggle to finish chocolate bars, most of the time. Give me a multi-pack of crisps though, and I will scoff the whole lot. Very easily.

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his post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

May Challenge: Weight

I was always told that, when I was younger, I looked like a rugby player. It was because I was bulky. Short and stout, a bit like a teapot with no spout.

I was always short, but the other bit never really bothered till I got older. In High School my confidence disappeared because people started making me feel bad for my weight. As if I was stupid for not being as skinny as other folk. Over time I ended up hating my body, and food became punishment instead of just nourishment. I didn’t deal with what was going on, and tried to lose weight for years.

Unfortunately, my self hatred caused issues. I didn’t see any value in myself, so didn’t see the point in making effort to get fitter. So, over the last few years, I’ve acknowledged my mental health issues, and tried to work on them.

I am hoping that as I get healthier mentally, I’ll be able to get physically healthier too. Hopefully.

May Challenge: Eggs

There was a place at my high school, where passing by was like taking your life into your own hands. It was like running the gauntlet. An area of the school you would avoid at break times, or your day could be ruined.

The area was these two bridges, were one top of the other, for the two different floors of the building. It was where kids would stand on ‘top bridge’ and spit or throw food down at targets below. Many a day was ruined by these villains of the playground, and it was made worse when someone made the trip to the local shop to get eggs. And, yes, sometimes they did make that effort.

I laugh now, but I do remember kids being genuinely scared that someone’s lunch would end up over their new jacket. I never understood why people did it. But there was a craze, many years ago, with these gooey alien toys, that came in an egg. And these squishy things would be launched from top bridge (3 stories up), and splat against some poor kid, usually a first year.

Incidentally, I also remember a rumour where it was said the aliens could have babies. I don’t really know where that came from. It’s still kind of gross.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

May Challenge: Red Lips

Make-up is something that passed me over when I was younger. I was interested in books and stuff that didn’t involve what I looked like. When I was a pre-teen, when folk started playing with cheap make-up, I thought it was like face paint. And I never really liked face paint.

I tried the odd bit of make-up, as I got older, but just couldn’t find the knack. I have been lucky that my skin has always been okay. Even as a teenager, I would only get one or two spots instead of a breakout. So, I never needed to ’cover up’ anything. It always felt like make-up was an expense I couldn’t see the point of. My teenage self would rather buy music CDs and stationary, thank you very much.

I do sometimes watch people do their make-up on Youtube, and it’s like an art form, with the colour mixing and shading. When I do art, I do prefer paper. I don’t think it helps that my hand to eye coordination is hopeless, so what I do on one side of my face won’t match the other. This is because 90% of what I see, comes from my right eye. It means my depth perception can be off, and I can’t see the 3D movies at the cinema. I think that is why that every time I tried eyeliner or something, it would end up a mess. And it just was something that wasn’t worth the effort.

I do dye my hair and periodically paint my nails, but I don’t feel these are intrusive as make-up feels. I can’t get the feeling of ’its facepaint’ out of my head. And it seems pretty stupid when I write it down.

I don’t think I’m special for not liking make-up. Nor, do I think that there is something wrong with people who do like make-up. Everyone likes different things, and that’s okay. If we all liked and did the same things, the world would be a very boring place. It’s important to do what makes you comfortable, no matter what anyone else says.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

May Challenge: Doughnut

Well this is a rather fitting topic today. Ever since I bought my car, last year, it is like I enjoy throwing money away. Like, I do the most stupid things, and they are all avoidable. In the 11 months since I have bought my car, I have hit a bollard, bumped two other cars, bashed a kerb (that total dented my wheel), left lights on twice (flat battery) and lost my only set of car keys.

To say my wee car has cost me a small fortune, is an understatement. But, it’s not the car’s fault. Wee Flick the blue Beetle didn’t actually have any control in anything that happened, that was all down to yours truly.

I love my little car. I just feel a bit bad on how he gets treated sometimes. It’s my fault that I have had to spend so much money, I am just a bit of a doughnut. I have always been accident prone, and now that I have a car, it’s just become more expensive. It would be nice just not to do stupid stuff, like no panicking, no accidents, no nothing. But, as I was reminded by someone at work today, as long as you learn from your mistakes, then they are never as bad as they seem. And that is very true. Luckily, I am always willing to learn.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.