Tag: mental health

Pushing It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These last few months have been tiring. My mental health has been awful, and I have been really physically sore. It has meant that I have felt really drained a lot of the time. Which means I am back in hibernation mode. Where I go out for work, and don’t have the energy to do anything else.

I will maybe have energy to do things for one day, and that’s it. So, I will maybe start tidying, do a food shop, arrange to meet up with a friend. But the next day, I just stare at the wall for hours, not having the energy to get up and do anything else. In fact, getting up to do anything becomes mentally and physically stressful, and it’s like I am constantly walking into the same brick wall. It is exhausting.

I am trying to keep going. I work well with a list sometimes, my brain seems to function well seeing what I have to focus on. But, sometimes, the items on the list take longer, or I forget to look at it. And, rather quickly, that manageable list of tasks, turn into something that seems impossible. Just another set of things that I failed at. I fail at everything, so may as well add some more on to the list.

It feels horrible.

But, I am trying. I am trying to do the things I am supposed to do. The things that I promise. The things that will make life easier. Whether it be doing things for work, or trying to get uni stuff sorted out. It kind of sucks, because when I explain about doing things, people don’t even pretend to be interested anymore. Why be interested? I am stuck doing entry level work because I don’t have a degree, and nobody has faith that I can anything apart from the bare minimum. I try to work harder, to show people that I can do well, but I get so far and just get stuck.

I’m frustrated. But I am trying to do a Pride display, for next month, for my work. Hopefully it works out. I just want to do something well for once.

Ups And Downs

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When I speak about my health issues, especially related to my mental health, people always become judgemental. It often is something that just happens, they haven’t set out to make someone feel bad. It’s just a thing that happened.

When I am with friends, family, or doing something I enjoy, I may be smiling and joking around. Something I do because I feel comfortable in the situation I am in. And because I am laughing with people, doesn’t mean I don’t go home afterwards, and critique everything that I had said, that day. Usually noting that I am stupid, and that people only hang around me because they feel bad I am so stupid.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it’s like a punch in the gut. It feels awful, and actually affects how I feel about a time I originally enjoyed.

It is hard to try and combat these feelings as is, without people saying that the anxiety that I have, that causes me to react to such things do negatively, is fake. People have said, to my face, that I am making things up for attention. Which makes thing worse.

You never know what someone else is going through, so it’s always good to be kind. And, people just want to understand their own mind, so that they can deal with things better in their day-to-day lives. That’s all.

Just A Weight

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, I have been struggling. My health, both mental and physical, have been absolutely rotten. I feeling like I am treading water, just doing enough to stay afloat.

I have been doing things, socially, and these moments are highlights. But after every night out, every occasion, i always end up analysing everything that happened. I just seem to seek out anything bad. It is not anything that I do consciously, it just happens when I go over everything that occurred. I don’t just think ‘oh, we went to that bar’. It is more, ‘we went to that bar, and then I said this and it was so stupid’. And I focus on the bad feeling.

This happens all the time. Where I feel bad over nothing, and I then fear that I will then ruin things for other people. Sometimes, it is easier to just spend time on my own. That way the only person I annoy is myself. I feel for people who try to be friends with me, because I really am useless.

At This Age…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As of this week, I am officially into the last years of my 30s. Birthdays are not as fun as they used to be, I actually find them to be rather depressing. Which, sounds stupid, because getting older is a privilege that not every person gets. However, this doesn’t make my feelings about it go away.

Birthdays act like a bookmark, where a person can review the last year of their life, and gage how successful it has been. Personally, I am in the same job, I no longer have a car, my health is still crap, and I still haven’t got a place on my own. I just feel like a failure, which is something I feel a lot. Everyone else in my life has progress, a new job, new house, relationships, something. I actually feel like I am going backwards.

I would like my 40s to start of better than my 30s. To do that I need to prioritise things. The two big things is money, and my health.

I am going to move money around my bank accounts, try and build my savings. Because I have very little. I also, have to pay things like my computer off. And save money every week. I am going to try and get some overtime at work, because that extra helps me build my bank balance quicker. Whilst overtime can’t be relied on, it will be a great help.

As for my health, I need to focus more on what I eat. I think the most successful thing for me has been calorie counting, but I am bad at constantly tracking all my food. I don’t really know how to deal with that, but I have been trying to learn about the biology behind calories and what our body does with them. I think, I have a dodgy metabolism due to eating poorly in the past, mostly due to fad diet plans.

I saw an advert recently on social media, which posed the question ‘what would happen if you worked on yourself exclusively for 6 months’. Maybe it’s a good idea. Focus some time on it. So 6 months is October, so maybe I shall re-evaluate there.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
View all responses

I always wish that I was able to deal with things better. I have never been good at dealing with bad stuff as it comes up, and have a habit of burying my head in the sand. That, of course, never fixes anything, and things often start to snowball out of control.

I have this problem with my anxiety, where it’s like my thought process is, ‘if I can’t see it, it’s not happening’. Which is obviously stupid, if I were to think logically. But, logic doesn’t come into play when my mind is in anxiety mode. It is so frustrating, because sometimes, by the time I get my act together, it’s too late. I have already made a mess, I can’t recover at all. So, I fail, which is one of the big triggers for my anxiety, this constant sense of failure. So, as you can imagine, it becomes very easy to spiral out of control. Where, I don’t return messages, don’t do task I need to do, don’t make appointments. It is like I am functioning, but barely enough to get by.

However, I have spent the last 15 years or so, trying different things to ‘fix it’, but nothing works. I think I need to accept that my brain will add 1 + 1 and get 3, and find a way to work around it. I need to think of a way, a plan, that I can action when I can feel ‘that feeling’. If I notice myself ignoring messages, I have a plan. Because all that happens is that I feel guilty, and then don’t want to deal with the thing I didn’t do, because I feel like the longer I delay, the less times I can let people down. Or not, trying to explain my thinking when I don’t understand it half the time, is hard.

Understanding Absence

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This blog has been abandoned over the last while. I say ‘while’ because I have neglected this site for a long time. I have barely posted, and the posts that I do post seem to go round in circles. It is frustrating, because I started blogging to try and help sort my mind out. Because, my mind is a muddled mess, full of forgotten appointments, half-done tasks, barely started potential new hobbies, with a topping of self-hatred. It really is the most delightful place.

Whilst writing was something that I did routinely, at some point, it has become ‘just another task’, that sits beside making my bed, doing laundry, and the other things that are left undone. I can find myself staring at my bedroom wall, whilst lying on my bed, just stuck. A feeling made worse, when my arthritis is playing up. Lack of movement means pain, and when I feel mentally ‘off’, it feels impossible to even sit up in bed. Because to be able to deal with physical pain, you need to have the mental strength to push through. Without it, everything just feels impossible, almost too hard.

It is tiring. At this point, it feels like I am made to fail. That everything I hoped, once upon a time, has not happened. Yes, I laugh and do things, but they are tape holding things together. And not the Gorilla Glue tape. More the 5 rolls for £1 from Poundland, where the only thing it sticks to is itself. I am exhausted. I work hard, but I know I am not always doing my best because I just feel weighed down. And, because I struggle, I assume that everyone around me knows it, and judges me for it. Like, I am letting folk down all the time.

I have been looking at ways to try and improve things, but it feels impossible. Everything seems to be ignored unless it jumps right out at me. I just don’t know where to begin.

I Doubt It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

For me, every New Year starts off with me aiming to be nicer to myself. Try to be kinder to myself, no matter what is going on around me. Because if you are more forgiving towards yourself, things become a lot easier to solve. Or, so I have read, anyway. And, I always try to be positive, a bit ‘shit happens to everyone’, kind of attitude. Think less PMA, and more not hating myself over every silly little thing.

First real obstacle is that I lost my house keys a few days ago. Have spent the last few days looking everywhere for them. They are very noticeable, as they have a bell on a keyring. This is because I like large bags, which means the house keys fall to the bottom of said bag. So if I have a bell, it helps me find them easier. Except, when they are nowhere to be found. I have searched everywhere I had been the last day I had my keys. The house, the garden, put a message on Facebook, sent a email to Stagecoach, in case I left them on the bus. Nothing has been found.

This is where I get like ‘how stupid am I to lose something as important as keys’. I get really angry with myself, because I should know better. In the last few days, I have had multiple panic attacks over being so bloody stupid. I have been struggling to sleep over it, because I feel like I can’t even do the most basic thing. I have had a look around the house again this evening, and it’s lead to me having another panic attack, and then sitting on the floor and crying.

Hopefully, if I can write things down, the rational thoughts will stay behind. Probably not. I’ll just end up grumpy and irritable. Which is what always happens. Hooray for crappy mental health. It’s exhausting.

Where Are We, Again?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

You’ve probably seen multiple articles this week, all proclaiming that no one knows what day it is at all. It’s because many people are off work, and between Christmas and New Year, the days just meld into each other.

It’s not quite so bad when you are working during this period. Though, it is annoying when it feels like everyone else is lounging at home in their PJs, and you are back to the grind. However, I focus on the fact that it means I save my holidays for when I need them.

This time of year is a good time for catching up with friends, or to simply relax. It is nice being able to relax, especially as December tends to be one of the more manic months of the year. It is also more challenging than ever, with wages being stagnant, whilst bills get ever-higher. This winter has already been cold, and it looks like it will get cold again in the new year.

It’s very easy to feel defeated by it all, so try and be kind to yourself. Nothing has to be perfect, as the media like to portray, because nothing is that perfect. Not really. So, give yourself a break. Look for something, no matter how small, that makes you happy. It could be a tv show on tv, or your favourite band releasing a new song. Maybe you made your own dinner or did the dishes. The world is a tough place, so try to focus on the positives, as they can help us through the tough stuff.

Always the imposter

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Ever fear that nothing you do is good enough?

I remember when I was at High School, I really liked Blink-182. Never was able to see them live when I was younger (managed in 2010). I liked their songs, but I didn’t buy every piece of merchandise. I didn’t even have every album. I also got Enema of the State by saving up Pepsi can tops, and sending away (I got a small FM radio and Eminem’s The Slim Shady LP the same way). I still taped songs of the radio, and I remember staying up late to tape an interview on a late night rock show, possibly on Radio 1, maybe not. Cutting the lyrics out of Smash Hits magazine. Blink became a defining part of my musical journey, and lead me down the road that lead to heavier bands.

Little Pepsi Radio

I’d go to school, and there would always be that person who was able to collect every offical piece of merch. The one who seemed to prove that I really wasn’t as big a fan as I thought. It was like I felt like I wasn’t good enough. That this thing, this music, that made me so happy, also made me feel real anxiety. This feeling that I didn’t deserve to get such joy from the songs I heard, if I wasn’t the biggest fan.

It feels really stupid writing that down, but it was honestly how I felt at the time. I starting thinking about this when I saw that Blink-182 have this week reunited. They are planning a new tour and a new album. It made me think of how I felt back then, and how, mentally, I have never really moved on.

From people getting their shit together, to folk simply loving life, I can’t help but feel like the existence I am living is unworthy. Like, as if I missed the memo on what helps a person get the most out of life. It’s not like I am not trying, I am. Maybe, it doesn’t seem like I put everything into life, but that’s because it takes so much effort to do what I am able to. I feel like I am undeserving of what I do have. I feel like a total fake, waiting to be found out as the fraud I am.

Take Me To Ikea, I need more spoons.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

If you suffer any kind of health problem, and you frequent the Internet, you’d be aware of the Spoon Theory. It’s a way to describe how a person uses energy throughout a day, the more energy something takes, the more spoons it cost.

I find it a very easy way to try and explain how difficult it can be for me to do the most basic of things. So I usually, if I have a day with moderate pain and okay mental health, I’ll have about 12 spoons to use throughout the day. I am very sore most mornings, so it might cost 3 spoons just to get out of bed. Another spoon to get myself ready, and one spoon to make my way to work. So before I start work 7.30am), I have already used almost half my daily spoons. I use a spoon for each part of my day, which is 3 parts, so 3 spoons. It takes me a spoon to walk up the stairs to leave work. Maybe another spoon to make my way home. So on a good day, I get home with 2 spoons. I still have to make dinner, and by this point, even watching tv costs more spoons. I don’t have enough.

Sometimes my joints are sore, and it might take anything where I have to walk or lift, double the amount of spoons. Where my brain is exhausted, because it’s working hard to find ‘work arounds’, to try and make the most basic thing easier. Sometimes, I am anxious, my mind telling me anything I do is actually wrong, and I’m stupid for even trying. This makes it harder. It takes so many spoons to push through that anxiety, that l have little left to push through any physical pain.

Days with no aim (otherwise known as weekends), seem to have less spoons than a work day. I lie in bed without the 3 spoon minimum to push myself out of bed. I isolate myself, because I spent too many spoons on other days, and I can’t deal with people, with tasks, with anything.

I mentioned about this to a work colleague the other week. Said, I was going to run out of spoons during the day, cause I was exhausted. He said he’d give me a spare spoon, but it’s a tea spoon, and ‘was that okay’. It actually made me laugh. Maybe other people can help, whether they give a teaspoon or a fork.