Tag: life

Another year older

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It was my birthday on Friday, and have such struggled the last few days to do anything. I spent hours upon hours watching videos on TikTok, doing nothing of any value. During my appointment with my therapist last week, I am needing to learn that there is actual value in doing ‘nothing’. Which is something that is really hard for me to do. So… we are not making myself feel bad about it. Or trying not to.

My birthday falls at the start of the second quarter of the year. And, I normally use this to see how I am doing so far on my aims for the year. This is a process which usually has me in tears, as I do feel like I have got nowhere in life, and feel useless. This is something that I am trying to stop focusing my energy on, as it is never very productive. It tends to be more likely to knock me off my feet, and stop me from making any progress at all, which just causes me to spiral.

So there are a few things that I wanted to do in 2026. The biggest thing is improving my health. I have experienced issues with my mental, physical, and dental health. So what have I done, or reached out to the appropriate services to do? The tale end of last year had me going to the dentist to get treatment started on a long-term broken tooth, which has died and got infected. I had that removed, and the subsequent hole filled in. I still have treatment to go, but my mouth is feeling so much better. The best thing is that my dental practice has so many nice people working at it, and have made me feel at complete ease whilst attending. Treatment is partially paid for by my dental insurance I get through may work, which is a thing I am recommending to everyone, if they can.

Sticking to things I get through my work, I called the Employee Assistant Programme, and have been receiving mental health support. I was super struggling, and have been for months. I was feeling so low, and I really didn’t know how to fix things. So I called a number, which gave me an appointment to be ‘triaged’. I think it is a way to figure out where your problems lie, and they can then match you with a suitable therapist. Which they have done. I have currently had two appointments, via telephone, and the therapist has been a great help. We were discussing about how my self-esteem is one of my main issues, and is possibly why I have struggled to get to grips with problems in the past. It certainly was an angle that I have never looked at before. My GP surgery has been a nightmare, and I have struggled to get appointments and help, so I am grateful that I have services at work that pick up the slack.

And then my rheumatoid arthritis. I fell of the bandwagon of medication, due to my mental health. Because if I had any issues, it was never one phone call. it was over 5 phone calls, every single time. And, I was struggling to do basic activities, I just buried my head in the sand. The very few times I did feel like I could chase things up, I was met with silence. Which, didn’t exactly make me want to keep going. So, I have been in pain for months, and exhausted for the same time. Last week, I received a letter to go to the Rheumatology clinic for an appointment next week. I am assuming that this is unprompted, as my phonecalls and emails have all went unanswered. Umprompted or not, this hopefully means that I can speak to someone about getting my medication sorted again. I am pretty frustrated about the whole thing to be honest.

So health is doing better, there has been movement, some more prompted than others, to trying to help make things better. This is a huge success for the beginning of the year. Another thing that I wanted to do was to read more. I set myself a target of 50 books for the year, and I have read 15. in 3 months. Which I am rather happy with.

All progress is progress, and these are things that I am getting progress in. This is what I am trying to focus on. Not what has happened in the last 40-odd years, or what other people have done in that same time frame. What I have been doing recently. Small changes every day, may not fix everything, it will work toward making things a wee bit more liveable.

Pressurised

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I made a plan in November last year, where I would have 12 months to change my life. Every day I would do something positive, something that will move me towards my goals. Sounds admirable, and I thought that if I started at the tail end of the year, there would maybe be more chance of me keeping up with what I hope to do.

Unfortunately, it coincided with the winter. With compulsory overtime at work. And the hardest, most personally challenging part of my university course. A bit of a mental health crisis. Physical health problems. Just, one thing after another. I has left me with about 5 weeks of complete loss. Of uselessness. Where there has been no energy to push through the imaginary barrier that has formed.

Today, this has continued for most of the day. I have eaten, I cried over work I couldn’t understand. I didn’t talk to anyone. It took till about 3.30pm for me to attempt to write a list. One that has 4 items, 2 of which are studying, and the other is eating dinner, and writing this very blog. A list that looks laughable, but still feels like progress.

My head feels like a constant fuzz. Like TV static. The kind that makes it so hard to focus on anything productive. So things have to be done in small bits. I just hope the small bits are achievable in some way. So that I am able to pull myself out of this feeling of uselessness.

2026?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I can’t be the only one sitting wondering how it is 2026? It feels like the last few years have flown in, and I’ve lost all concept of time. They say that is a sign of getting older, which is just great.

2025 was one of my worst personal years to a very long time. I just did a really poor job of looking after myself. Both mentally and physically. And it lead to me being very unproductive, and my hobbies falling at the wayside. I think I posted 20 posts on here last year, which is really not good.

It’s not that I don’t like writing, it’s that I didn’t see the point. I struggled with everything that needed any kind of effort. Now, whilst hobbies may seem surface level, it was bigger than that. I wasn’t keeping in contact with friends, because I felt so worthless, that I would just drag them down. Just shit on the lives of people around me. Calling the doctors, and getting medications sorted was spending I was bad at. Because I had no energy to spend effort in anything, I wasn’t calling the doctors, I wasn’t chasing up unfilled prescriptions, getting blood tests. To get a lot of medical problems resolved, a person needs to be pro-active. And I simply didn’t care enough. Why bother?

I’ve been trying to garner the energy to get back up to date with things. I’m not doing so well, so far. It doesn’t help when I get motivated during the holidays, when everything is closed.

In previous years, I have attempted to change lots of things at once, and then acted surprised when it failed. This year, I have a lot of hopes, but I am going to do steps gradually. See if that helps. And maybe I can find a bit of drive for the year ahead.

Struggle Party For 1

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have recently been posting prompt posts. Partially because I have had a completely lack of creative motivation, but also because I just feel stuck in a rut. So, I have to retain myself, hold back, so that I am not simply whining all the time. Which is something very easy for me to do.

I am currently ambling along, just keeping myself to myself. Work, come home, do nothing, eat crap, not meet up with people, ignore texts, just sit and wallow. It’s one of the these things where I just feel like a burden to myself, so why push myself onto anyone else. I just feel useless. Like, if the world was a giant swimming pool, I’d be the person in the corner, struggling to keep my head above water, as I doggy paddle in a shallow edge.

There is this idea, which I’ve seen posted around social media, which states that to make a positive change in your life, you need to start by making small daily changes. One positive thing a day. That positive thing may not be something huge, it could be making your bed when you get up in the morning, putting some laundry on, or even remembering to brush your teeth. The idea is that the more you do these ‘small things’ the easier it is to get yourself moving and those ‘big goals’ can seem more reachable.

It also means, that if you start off by doing these small things, your mindset changes. You achieve something before you even get started on your day. Which, if you are someone like me, who struggles to do anything when the routine of work is not present, it is super helpful.

So what did I do today? I made my bed, and opened my curtains. And jogged to the bus stop this morning. I am actually feeling better for it. I just need to keep going.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Me and the internet currently have a love/hate relationship. I used to call myself an internet addict, and found I thrived in the digital world, That is no longer the case. As people’s dependency on social media and mobile phone applications increases, people get brave. Or, they act brave, which is easy when you wear a mask of anonymity to hide yourself from any accountability. Sometimes, every comment that you put online is subject to negativity and anger. Something, that I have never understood, as most of my experience of doing things online have been positive experiences.

It is why I am taking more time away from social media and such things. The world exists outside of the internet, and it always will. The internet has done some awesome things. It is so much easier to find music you want to listen to, or the answers to any question you may have. I think the 2010s were peak internet, where everything felt so much more accessible. That our world was getting smaller.

That has changed a bit. People are realising that the albums, book, and games, that they purchase are only digital licenses to access the material. And, the material itself can be removed by online stores at any point. We had a time where movies, such as 28 Days Later and Dogma, were available in physical media only, and even then, the DVDs were no longer in print. So, the movies were not available on the standard market. Flappy Bird, that popular viral game from 2013, which was removed by 2014, and no longer available for downloading. The game stopped updating and eventually stopped working.

This whole scenario is leading people back to more legacy media, DVDs, CDs, vinyl albums, and paperback books. People want to own the items they spend their hard earned cash on. Especially when streaming platforms are known for having poor royalty schemes for music artists, so an artist does get more from a physical purchase. I can’t tell you the last time I bought a DVD or Blu-ray, but I do frequently buy books, CDs, and vinyl. I never really moved away from it. I mean, I pay for Apple Music, but I will always buy the physical albums of bands I like.

Digital is still handy. I am always watching some point of the Gilmore Girls, and I like having that on my devices to watch whenever I need to relax. But then, I watch more YouTube creators over anything else. Motorsport, football, ‘slice of life’, theme parks, and various video essays. I watch a variety of content, but it is this wide variety that keeps me tuned. I find myself cancelling more and more streaming options.

I guess, I am one of the people, who did love having everything online. But, especially as things become more oppressive against creatives, though AI initiatives or trolls in the comment section, I find myself wanting to disconnect more. This is why I think that this year has been one of the more challenging years, when doing things such as keeping a blog active. Sometimes, I think having a break from things will help. But, it honestly doesn’t.

Online spaces, which became a comfort for many whose real life was unbearable, is now longer a place of comfort. In fact, for many, the internet is worse than reality. Which is why it is important to have hobbies outside. Sport, crafting, anything that gets you to ignore your phone and social media. It’ll still be there when you get back.

16 years of complaining.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have a rather serious post I was planning, but then WordPress pinged a notification to my phone. It’s the anniversary for me registering this blog.

16 years feels like a very long time. I started this when I was at college, studying art and graphic design. We had to start a blog to keep track on our progress in our classwork. I, obviously, kept it up.

Blogging, much like myself, has changed a lot over the years. When I first started, it was just another place to rant online. Whether it was popular or read, wasn’t important. It was an outlet, which is how I still think of it.

Now, blogging has been on a bit of a resurgence after a decline. But now, there is a push to monetise everything. Make your writing your business. Like a lot of social media, where it is about building a brand, a niche. In fact, now there are multiple advertisements in using Artificial Intelligence to help create regular posts. As if it is all about quantity over quality.

If an AI post appears on this blog, I’d advise to call for help. I’d much rather dad along on my haphazard way, like I have been doing for the last 16 years. Happy anniversary.

Make It Better

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

There is an idea that is banded about the internet by self-help gurus and people selling courses, where if you can do one ‘good action’ per day, you can get closer to your goals. Whatever they may be. Which is a good idea. You just have decide what ‘good actions’ actually are.

Because, for me, what is classed as something productive, or a ‘good action’ may change from day-to-day. Today, getting up at reasonable time, cleaning my nespresso machine and making myself an actual coffee, was pretty productive. Other days, I have work, and maybe execrise after a 10 hour shift may be the productive thing. And then, there are the days, that simply eating anything is a good thing. It all depends how my headspace is, and to be honest, as long as I step away from social media and doom scrolling, I tend to be happy.

But to see genuine movement in your life, you need to do things regularly. You need to get into a pattern, practice behaviours so that they almost come naturally to you. That is why I think that there is such a massive market for ‘self-help courses’. People think that if they spend money on something, it will magically make their resolve better and their goals more achievable. It doesn’t quite work like that. It takes a lot of effort to change, and it isn’t some task you can pay someone else to do.

Unfortunately.

Why am I mentioning this? Over the years, I have purchased many self-help guides and courses. And they have all been a waste of money, where, like everything else, I don’t have the follow through to make anything actually stick. Like all the empty journals and diaries which initially hold the promise that ‘this time will be different’. Incidently ‘this time’ wasn’t any different, and things gathered dust rather than being used. My focus is almost like the tide, the largest waves of motivation, is followed by the recoil where all motivation disappears, and eventually the motivation builds up to wave in shore again. It can be so frustrating.

I am left questioning how to start to make things better, in a realistic way. A way that works for me. Is there a way that works for me?

Another Year Round The Sun

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is my birthday today. I am 41. Birthdays seem a lot less fun than what they used to be. I have spent the day relaxing, and contempating.

That’s all birthdays become once we get older, or that’s what they have become for me. Wondering why is it that I have have seemingly sidestepped what every other adult has decided is the benchmark for life. This belief that if you don’t achieve these pre-existing terms of service, you haven’t lived. No child. No marriage. No mortgage. Being alive, and having a job is expected, but you are looked down on for not doing certain things.

There are times where I can brush it off Tell people that my 20s were where my mental health crumbled. Where suicide wasn’t even a thought, it was actively attempted. My 30s were about trying to pick myself back up again. Was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis, after years of complaints and fighting with doctors. ‘Horrific cramping in your hands stopping you from doing things? Maybe you just need to go to WeightWatchers.’ It has been hard, and I am feeling better than I did a decade ago. Still not 100%, but better.

But there are times where I feel a loss. Feel like I have been so stupid that I have not been able to be successful. So insecure, that I must be 10000% honest and share everything, and then put my foot in it. Losing out on oportunities. So I then stop saying everything, and try to only say what other’s want to hear. But somehow that is wrong too. It is like every step I take, there is a pothole that causes me to stumble and fall, whilst everyone else walks by unaffected.

This feeling doesn’t go away. And I don’t write about it for sympathy. I write about it to help lessen the weight it hangs around my neck. That getting the thinking out my head, allows me to focus on something else. Sometimes the ‘something else’ is more of the same. But, every once in a while, that ‘something else’ is something a little brighter, a step in the right direction.

Though, it has become abundantly clear, I don’t quite know where the right direction is.

Busy, busy

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

My whole ‘writing more in 2025’ thing really hasn’t worked. Surprise, surprise.

Nothing of any great importance has happened. I have been working, and that’s about it. Well, there has been some nights out, meeting friends, just bobbing along. I have been getting too absorbed in the news, and wallowing in the feeling of ‘what’s the point of it all’ kind of despair. Which is all consuming.

Today, I have tried to focus on uni work, which I have done alright. This unit includes team work, which I think will be interesting, as it includes working as a remote team, like through the internet. Something that I have never done before, every group activity I have done previously has been in person. Which, I find okay. When you are working remotely, you are working alone, and it can be a harder to manage your time. Or, should I mention, harder for me to manage my time. Especially when my brain has been filled with other stuff.

The project involves the group designing a website for a fictional sports group, which should be okay. And it is building a WordPress site. And I sit embarrassed, because despite the fact that I have kept a blog on WordPress for 16 years, I haven’t really done much with designing things on it. Like, yes I have my own domain, but it isn’t used for anything other than a blog, rather than for building an actual customised website. Maybe I haven’t utilised the WordPress tools as much as I should have.

Oh well! Study break is over, back to work I go.

Music- Bad Brains- I Against I

Mood: positive

No Niche

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Since I started spending my time online, over 20 years ago, it has been clear that people who gained popularity, were those who focused their attention on a particular topic. Something that I have never been able to do. Even when I used to do my homework at school, I couldn’t just focus on one subject. To work best, I would spent half an hour or so on one subject, then switch to another.

If you take a dander over my blog, you will see this lack of focus, as I write about what is in my head at the time. It could be health related, news related, or just what I have read or watched. I like having a place where I can document things, and I enjoy reading through my previous posts. I like to see what I was doing a few years ago, and normally I will have a wee laugh at my own expense. Which is normal. As you get older, and experience new things, meet new people, your perspective on things can change. What matters to you today, may not be so important in a few years’ time.

Maybe that’s why I tend to ignore the advice from so-called experts, that everyone needs to find their own ‘niche’, and make their content about that. I like to have ways to document my life, a place to put my thoughts, no matter what the topic is. Maybe it is because, that is the kind of content I like best. It feels personal, without a person having the need to give every aspect of their life away.