I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.
I really need to stop putting ‘write a blog’ as being on my to-do list as if it is something productive. I know that sounds harsh, but I end up writing a blog entry and doing nothing else because I feel I have achieved something. In reality I have achieved nothing, and usually just ramble nonsense for a few hundred words. But if I feel I have achieved something, and that seems to make my concentration go right out the window, and I don’t do anything else.
This is typical of me, and I do it all the time. The thing is, that recently I have found that I am going through this period of self-sacrifice, where I seem to be tripping myself up on purpose. I don’t think I’ll ever be a high achiever, sort of girl, but I would like to be able to be doing comfortably. The issue is that I am not. Sometimes, it’s like I have the idea that I will do as minimal work as necessary. Now, I do have blips, where I have focused and have been top of the class, but it seems to be short-lived.
I guess, I need to change my whole attitude to work. Which is why I have created 2 or 3 different projects to do at the same time. And I need to keep focused on those, as well as pulling my socks up at my actual work. I feel jaded, but actually functioning at a good level will hopefully help me get a little meaning back in my life. But, in the idea that things don’t get better, I am preparing. I am getting an online shop organised to sell products that I make and I am applying for jobs. I have a to-do list that I am working through, as I find that is the best way that stay focused, by breaking things down and working through a simple list.
*deep breathes*
This is a big time for me to show what I am made of. It has been a year since I left college, and nothing has really changed. And that is no-one’s fault bar my own. So I am going to take responsibility and get things going again. Wish me luck.
I don’t ever appear to be busy, but I am right now. I have about 2 or 3 projects currently treading water in the depths of my mind. And they are all going to remain top secret.
Why make an issue about something, and then not tell anyone what it is? Well, I have a habit of having things fall away and never happen. So I figure, that I will keep it to myself, so nobody knows what I have failed in. It’s a way of me trying to protect myself, and moreso my ideas. Because, not to be big-headed, but these ideas are pretty awesome. Well I think so anyway.
I guess everyone else is going to wait until everything is finalised enough that I can let it be known. I do feel important that I have a secret. I never got told secrets as a kid, because I guess I must look untrustworthy. Which is a nice feeling to get when you are 13. Nothing has changed, but I think it is because I am no longer in a situation where whispering rumours in class is no longer a factor in my existance.
No. Now the whispering is done on the bus, at work or at a coffee shop. Because that is how grown up I really am. 😉
I am in the midst of reading a book called The World Is Flat, by journalist Thomas L Friedman. It is a book on how globalisation has flattened the world as we know it.
I know that, as an initial concept, most people think, but the world is round, Christopher Columbus was wrong. But I am not talking about how the world is geographically shaped. I am talking about how people and businesses can work freely, on a levelled out playing field. This does seem rather bizarre at first thoughts, because every country operates individually, no matter where it is in the world. Before the days of high speed internet connections and outsourcing, this maybe was true, but not so any more.
Internet connections meant that people could communicate with anyone, no matter where they are. Send someone an email, and within 5 seconds they have received it. To understand how this happened, you need to know more about the history of the internet, something which I may cover at a later date, but not right now. Billions of pounds was spent on running cabling from country to country, so that the world became interconnect, hence it being dubbed the World Wide Web. This connected people together from all corners of the world. You can be sitting in your house in Glasgow, and playing Call of Duty through your X Box with someone in Australia. It is crazy, when you think how easy it is to now contact people. Especially when we think of the little bubble of communication people had before the internet. Before it was free to talk to people all over the world and share ideas. People began to learn how others lived, and realised that maybe people weren’t all that different.
As well as allowing people to become closer to others, the internet also became a major assets to companies. Initially, in the early days of the internet, companies were able to put several computers and offices on networks, where they could easily transfer information from one place to another. It was more cost effective than physically sending the information to the required person, and it was easy to manage. As the internet became more wide-spread, more commercial, more global, rather than just communicate between offices, companies were able to communicate with people in other countries in the same way. This lead to countries like India and China being used to complete work for Western companies, for a cheaper rate than what would be paid in their home country. Everything from manufacturing to remedial accounting was outsourced. Whilst there has been a lot of negativity about outsourcing, in that it is giving away work to other countries, etc., it is not entirely negative. When a British company opens up a 24 hour customer service line, it may be a financial struggle, due to the fact that UK based workers would require extra pay for working ‘unsociable hours’. So by getting in contact with an international outsource agency, in say Bangalore, they can hire workers to work these ‘unsociable hours’ without costing too much money. This saving allows the company to expand in other areas, and focus it’s local workers on more taxing tasks, where the people abroad get the remedial work. To a company, that means they can get more out of their staff, and get their money to work for them more.
It also has educated people in countries where outsourcing is popular, so that they can start working for themselves. So it actually becomes beneficial for their country. And in manufacturing, where US and European companies send products to be made in China, the Chinese learn how to successfully manufacture, and can then do it themselves. They can then create their own companies, which can compete with their Western counterparts.
It is giving more people the same opportunities. It is levelling out the world. No longer is the West were the power is, where the best manufacturing is. At the moment countries like America and the UK are the designers, soon, very soon, it will be China and India doing the designing, and what will we do then. I don’t know if the Western world is ready for such a shift in power.
I don’t know about other people, but I am the kind of person that struggles to keep inspired all day. I go through waves of motivation. There can be little spurts during the day, where I will punch the air dramatically and do something of any worth.
Usually it happens in the morning, where I get up (if I get up) and I feel all motivated. The second time, where I do most work and things, is at night after work. Bare in mind I finish work at 11pm. By the time I get home, and get all fed, I am sitting at 1am twiddling my thumbs. This is where I find I am most creative. I read, draw and write (obviously).
I think I like that everyone else is asleep. I find something really calming about that. Kind of like I am the only one in the world, and it is all for me. *coughs* Or something equally crazy. I just find it a good time to take stock and do something productive. My friend things it is nothing but rebellion. Like I don’t do things when I am supposed to, I live by my own rules. Because every rebel sits up past 2am drawing ponies and writing blogs. -.-
If a person feels a little bad about life, and a bit undecided about their place in life, a good thing to do is a bit of a clean out. When I say ‘clean out’ I mean getting rid of actual possessions.
A big thing is to throw out a lot of clutter that has been gathered over the past few years. The big part where I need to ‘revitalise’ is my closet. Mostly because I have a lot of old band shirts and hoodies that I don’t wear, and haven’t worn in years. So I bit the bullet, and decided that if I haven’t worn something in the last year, it is gone. Hence the almost two bin bags filled with clothes. That is clothes that has been taking up space, when I have no intention of using them. It’s the same with books. I have a lot of comic books that I no longer read, that would maybe be enjoyed by someone else. So, going to try and get rid of a lot of it.
And to be honest, organising everything is very motivating. It is giving me a lot of perspective, and letting me say goodbye to the person I used to be. I am not the girl who still mopes around in a Slipknot hoodie. I am more about buying basic clothes, like shirts and customising them. It gives me clothes which are unique, and seem to match my ethos a lot better. I mean, a shirt that has bleach on it from dying my hair, and putting more bleach on it, so it looks a bit more balanced. People buy clothing which has been ‘man handled’ by someone else, because they think it seems original. Buy cheaper jeans and customise them yourself.
I feel for once in my life, my clothing effects me, and it looks happier. It shows a girl who is no longer afraid of her figure. I am proud of who I have become as an adult, and I feel that my fashion sense should convey that. I am finding that having things which brings up thoughts of the unhappy person, is still making me sad. So if I get rid a lot of these bad memories, like cleaning away the cobwebs, I am sure things will start to look up.
Yes, I will always wear band shirts and jeans, but I hope to be a bit more ‘me’ with it all.
I like to think that everyone has certain points of their life, where they slow down and evaluate their existence and place in the world.
Due to the high volume of time I spend on my own, this happens a lot to me. I find myself looking at what others are doing, and then look upon my own life. This, obviously, gets in a rather low mood. I guess when looking at other people, I have the habit of focusing on their successes, whilst looking at my failures. Trust me, I have a lot of failure.
I’m trying not to go into too much self-wallowing detail, seeing as I have already had more than one rant about it on other blogging services I use. I guess, I like to use this blog to help me think more constructive than destructive. Like, to try and rationalise the crazy which is bouncing around in my brain. And I’ll tell you something, it helps. It helps that I have a place to write weepy, mopy blogs, but then I have this, where I can try and be a bit more thoughtful about my feelings.
I guess emotion really is like a rollercoaster, just as the Ronan Keating abomination says. I think I want to say to anyone reading, if you feel depressed about something, let it out. It is okay to be sad. I think that as soon as you accept it, things become a lot more manageable. At the moment, my depression, and how I act with it, is the big change. And although I complain about work, I guess, learning to deal with myself is the big thing. I can now cope with my irrational mood swings and crying for no reason. I know that if I keep on trudging on, I do feel better.
As I sat in front of my TV watching the tenth documentary show this week (yes, I keep count), I had a think about the purpose of media in society. As much as we use various types of media on a daily basis, not much thought is put into it’s actual purpose.
Most of the forms of media that we use regular (television, radio, internet, newspapers, etc) were originally created to be a way of telling people information. It was to educate people about things like news-worthy events, or to get messages to other people. But somewhere along the line, media became less about communicating messages, and more about entertaining the masses. The dictionary definition of media is-
‘The storage and transmission channels or tools used to store and deliver information or data. It is often referred to as synonymous with mass media or news media, but may refer to a single medium used to communicate any data for any purpose’
It is a way of communicating which comes from cave paintings created by cavemen. And postal services started from as early as 500BC, and became a crucial way of communications in the Persian and Roman Empires.
Times have changed, but still people feel the need to communicate to one another, now with the help of technology it is easier than ever. Rather than send a letter to loved ones and wait weeks for it to arrive, you can send them an email or call them on the other side of the world in seconds. These advances have mostly come within the last 50 years, and the world is better for it. When a news breaks, it would sometimes take days to get to all corners of the world. Now, within 30 minutes, newsrooms all over the world can be reporting on the same story. The rolling news networks (Sky News, Fox News, BBC News 24) are probably the best examples of media in it’s current form. No matter what time of day, news is constantly being reported, and it never stops. There is always something happening somewhere, and media helps a normal person see what is happening outside the borders to their country. Media doesn’t stop anymore. Rather than waiting to buy your newspaper in the morning to get updated in current affairs, you can flick onto a TV channel or switch on a computer. Everything is online. And online services really can be updated at any time of the day. Everything is posted as it happens.
And whilst you would think this would empower people as they have a wider scope of knowlege in front of them, it doesn’t. Rolling news hasn’t had the effect one would think. People are constantly feeling the need to switch off from their lives, and now use media to escape. If they have worked hard, they don’t want to be ‘snowed under’ with the rest of the world’s problems. So rather than watch the news or documentaries, many more watch TV talent shows or play computer games.
And working for a media company, I feel I notice this more. You can see the things that people want to spend their money on, and it isn’t news or documentaries, it’s movies and sport. The leading methods of escapism. Something where you can shift your focus away from what seems ordinary, and fixate your attention on something else. As nice as it is that people around the world can see whether Manchester United or Chelsea win the Premiership trophy, I find it unsettling that people would rather watch that, than be educated. I touched on education a few days ago, and I feel that is the most important resource we have. To learn how things work, and what happened on this earth before us. To learn how countries were formed and fought for. To me, that is exciting, that is what media is about. It is about being educated, not just in formal documentary format, but to educate on how others around the world live. Is that not the biggest selling point of the World Wide Web, that it connects the world and shows how other people live?
Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe the purpose of the media is to give deluded writers a forum to express their mislead views and opinions? I don’t know really. I like to think that all this technology has a higher worth than football and computer games. But, I guess that’s me. That is what I want to take from the media that surrounds me. Not everyone is like that.
This is something that doesn’t happen very often. The worlds of Vlog and Blog unite and kind of cross-reference each other. Yes, I shot a video a few days ago about people writing in ‘text speak’ and due to me just editing said video, I decided it is too important a topic for me not to mention it here.
I do talk about writing a lot, because it is something I am really passionate about, and I feel that everyone should make effort in the way that they present what they say, because it says so much about you. As I talk about this with other people, I do discover that this is just personal opinion, and most people don’t seem to care what a person thinks of them, because of their writing ‘style’. But, maybe because I spend a lot of my time writing, I do tend to look between the lines a little. Sorry for the pun.
The thing is, if you know how to write properly, and can at least attempt to spell words right, why on earth would you purposefully write badly? Is it because it is some new young thing, that I have missed out on? I think it is. It started of with text messages. Where you could only fit so many characters into a message, so people started shortening words. The easiest way to shorten words, with them still being semi-legible, is to remove vowels. Which irritated me then, and it was not a thing I did. As more and more people started to use the internet to do things, this manner of miss-spelling found its way onto other platforms. And on these other platforms, more people can see how you write in private. Well, except it isn’t really in private anymore. This is where the people pre-Facebook and people post-Facebook tend to differ. Before Social Networking took over the internet, the main sites used by people, where blog sites and forums. Now, on theses sites, a person had to be able to express themselves properly, because most were there to share opinions, and get to know people. When Social Networking came along, particularly Facebook, it changed things. People came online to talk to people they would have texted. People that they already knew. So the mentality of text messaging moved online.
I know I said that the main reason for typing in ‘text speak’ was to make messages shorter, but ease was also a big factor. Why type in 6 letters, when you can type in 3? That is laziness. This is the generation of people who have to work so much harder to get a job. How can they be expected to work well, if they can’t even muster up the energy to type up a work on their keyboard. And then, you discover that it isn’t just on computers and phones ‘text speak’ is used, and that kids are handing in school reports in this poor state.
I think kids like wasting their education and making themselves look stupid because they have no pride in education. To them, it is something they are forced to go to everyday. Although most of them will go onto some form of higher education, they won’t take pride in what they are learning, and they think of it as some kind of chore. But in some countries, countries which are stricken with the harshest poverty we can imagine, education is a gift. Education is not everything every child gets, so those who do get it are so proud. Education to means everything to some children in Africa, who may walk for 3 hours to get to school. Just so that they can learn how to read and write, to earn money to help their family. How many UK kids would do that. Those who do have pride in their education, are often bullied by the stupid masses.
Seems harsh, but it’s true. I guess, a lot of people won’t realise what they had, until it’s gone. I know I didn’t. I probably didn’t study and work as hard as I should have. But writing is one thing that I have always enjoyed, be it writing an essay or reading a book. To me, I always felt that having good writing ability equalled intelligence. I know now, that other things make a person intelligent, but proper grammar is still considered a desirable quality. It was always said that a person’s shoes, show a lot about them. Well, I feel that the way a person writes, says a lot about them, A lot more than the words that they have written.
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I know that I am not the perfect writer. That is not the point I am making, the point is about the lack of effort people make. And yes, I do feel that if you don’t make any effort with writing, you are dubbing yourself an idiot. It is better getting spelling and grammar wrong, but trying, rather than not trying at all.
I have been recently trying to find some new blogs to read. Since blogging is one of my favourite pastimes, I like to draw inspiration from them. Like, you can get ideas of how to make a blog interesting and keep things going. But, I am finding that there is becoming more crap to filter through before I can find anything worthy of adding to any RSS feed.
What it is, I think, is that some of the most visited sites on the internet are based on a blog-like layout. Where page design is simple, things are posted on a regular basis, and people can read through entries and things. This is good, if you have something valid to say. The most popular blogs on the internet have something to do with fashion, technical news or celebrities. And I am going to be harsh and go through each one, and say why most blogs on those topics are rubbish.
Tech blogs
Tech blogs are a bit hit and miss with me. It’s ok, if someone is showing their thoughts and reviews on a particular web browser release or something, but most of the time, people repost articles and review what is said in the article. That doesn’t really make your blog focus on technical topics, it is more like you are critiquing pieces of writing you found on the internet. People know that by posting and mentioning popular websites, they will get some ‘side-traffic’. Visitors that search for information of that particular site your post mentions. If that makes sense. So, in short, a lot of tech blogs don’t post about actual tech news written by themselves.
Fashion Blogs
One person becomes a professional writer through her own fashion blog, and I swear THOUSANDS of ‘fashionistas’ think they can do the same. -.- Whilst it is undeniable there are really good fashion blogs out there, but some are just a bit dull. Why show the same fashion that every magazine and every other fashion site blabbers about. I mean, playsuits make most women look horrendous, and they really don’t need to be the colour of my gran’s curtians. But, every single fashion site features them, because suddenly every woman should want to look frumpy. Who knew? People who can talk about fashion well, are people who stay away from the catwalk, and use their blog to highlight some little Etsy shop they like. They look for inspiration outwith the magazines found on the newstands. But again, like tech bloggers, a lot of people just copy pictures from some other site, and just re-word someone else’s opinions.
Celebrity Blog
Ever since Perez Hilton started a Blogger account to report any kind of celebrity gossip going, mere mortals have tried to follow suit. Unfortunately, mere mortals don’t know famous people, and a part from meeting some local footballer, there isn’t much reliable gossip. So again, this is another topic which relies on other sources. Yeah, you might find a certain ‘fanbase’ by blabbering about Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers, but most of the time, it is stolen images and usually stolen words. Unless you actually have some contacts (an money), there is very little chance of you getting any story first. And with gossip, it’s who bursts the bubble, who gets the attention.
So, there is my thoughts. The main reason people start up blogs in either topic of interest, is mostly because it looks easy money. I mean, how hard can it be to post regular about something, and then you can get sponsorship and make money… Actually, no! No matter how popular blogging becomes, you need an average of 1k views A DAY to even think about getting sponsored. So if it is money you are looking for, go an look for something else to spend your time on. If however, you are passionate about what you talk about, it will show. You will get comments that will mean a lot to you, and you feel honoured if just one person reads what you have to say. Copying information from elsewhere will never make a good blog, no matter how much you try to disguise it. And following popular topics will also not make you popular. Remember, those topics are only so popular because some writers have put a lot of time and effort perfecting their own craft. Maybe rather than copying their ideas, you should work on your own.
Sometimes I beat my self down, before I even have the chance to rise to my feet in the morning. I’d like to pretend that this is rare, and that I am the only person who feels like this, but I’d be lying. But reccently the ‘beat downs’ have been worse due to reccent events, and my confidence being shot to shit.
What has helped me through has been writing down my feelings about various situations. And whilst this helps me get my feelings ‘out there’, it also helps highlight some of the issues that are bothering me. I have a jotter, which I write in when I am on the bus, or at work, just when I’m generally frustrated and have no access to the internet. It’s like I can go through the process of blogging, without the need to do so.
It’s great. But today, when I was alone and near the place where the attack happened, I panicked. So I got out my jotter and started writing. The stuff that came out was a mess, but it did make some sense. When something has happened, and your life is kinda taken out of your hands, you panic. And I did. I started to say I shouldn’t be who I am anymore. I mean why be who makes you happy, if everyone else hates it.
In retrospect, that would be giving into pressure and changing a lot about me, and it probably wouldn’t be worth it. There would be something else to attack, probably me being fat, and the cycle will continue. And the only way to change how I feel about this, is by training me to react differently. Which is ignoring the people who mock, and just expressing my frustration in other ways. This doesn’t let the other person know they’ve hurt me, and let’s me let my frustrations go in a more controlled manner.
I guess we’ll see what happens. I am trying to put on a brave face and pretend that things are ok. But they aren’t. I think every person who I don’t know has the potential to hurt me. That it is going to happen again. And I smile and act as normal, but I feel so far from normal its almost comical.
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