I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.
I like to think that everyone has certain points of their life, where they slow down and evaluate their existence and place in the world.
Due to the high volume of time I spend on my own, this happens a lot to me. I find myself looking at what others are doing, and then look upon my own life. This, obviously, gets in a rather low mood. I guess when looking at other people, I have the habit of focusing on their successes, whilst looking at my failures. Trust me, I have a lot of failure.
I’m trying not to go into too much self-wallowing detail, seeing as I have already had more than one rant about it on other blogging services I use. I guess, I like to use this blog to help me think more constructive than destructive. Like, to try and rationalise the crazy which is bouncing around in my brain. And I’ll tell you something, it helps. It helps that I have a place to write weepy, mopy blogs, but then I have this, where I can try and be a bit more thoughtful about my feelings.
I guess emotion really is like a rollercoaster, just as the Ronan Keating abomination says. I think I want to say to anyone reading, if you feel depressed about something, let it out. It is okay to be sad. I think that as soon as you accept it, things become a lot more manageable. At the moment, my depression, and how I act with it, is the big change. And although I complain about work, I guess, learning to deal with myself is the big thing. I can now cope with my irrational mood swings and crying for no reason. I know that if I keep on trudging on, I do feel better.
As I sat in front of my TV watching the tenth documentary show this week (yes, I keep count), I had a think about the purpose of media in society. As much as we use various types of media on a daily basis, not much thought is put into it’s actual purpose.
Most of the forms of media that we use regular (television, radio, internet, newspapers, etc) were originally created to be a way of telling people information. It was to educate people about things like news-worthy events, or to get messages to other people. But somewhere along the line, media became less about communicating messages, and more about entertaining the masses. The dictionary definition of media is-
‘The storage and transmission channels or tools used to store and deliver information or data. It is often referred to as synonymous with mass media or news media, but may refer to a single medium used to communicate any data for any purpose’
It is a way of communicating which comes from cave paintings created by cavemen. And postal services started from as early as 500BC, and became a crucial way of communications in the Persian and Roman Empires.
Times have changed, but still people feel the need to communicate to one another, now with the help of technology it is easier than ever. Rather than send a letter to loved ones and wait weeks for it to arrive, you can send them an email or call them on the other side of the world in seconds. These advances have mostly come within the last 50 years, and the world is better for it. When a news breaks, it would sometimes take days to get to all corners of the world. Now, within 30 minutes, newsrooms all over the world can be reporting on the same story. The rolling news networks (Sky News, Fox News, BBC News 24) are probably the best examples of media in it’s current form. No matter what time of day, news is constantly being reported, and it never stops. There is always something happening somewhere, and media helps a normal person see what is happening outside the borders to their country. Media doesn’t stop anymore. Rather than waiting to buy your newspaper in the morning to get updated in current affairs, you can flick onto a TV channel or switch on a computer. Everything is online. And online services really can be updated at any time of the day. Everything is posted as it happens.
And whilst you would think this would empower people as they have a wider scope of knowlege in front of them, it doesn’t. Rolling news hasn’t had the effect one would think. People are constantly feeling the need to switch off from their lives, and now use media to escape. If they have worked hard, they don’t want to be ‘snowed under’ with the rest of the world’s problems. So rather than watch the news or documentaries, many more watch TV talent shows or play computer games.
And working for a media company, I feel I notice this more. You can see the things that people want to spend their money on, and it isn’t news or documentaries, it’s movies and sport. The leading methods of escapism. Something where you can shift your focus away from what seems ordinary, and fixate your attention on something else. As nice as it is that people around the world can see whether Manchester United or Chelsea win the Premiership trophy, I find it unsettling that people would rather watch that, than be educated. I touched on education a few days ago, and I feel that is the most important resource we have. To learn how things work, and what happened on this earth before us. To learn how countries were formed and fought for. To me, that is exciting, that is what media is about. It is about being educated, not just in formal documentary format, but to educate on how others around the world live. Is that not the biggest selling point of the World Wide Web, that it connects the world and shows how other people live?
Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe the purpose of the media is to give deluded writers a forum to express their mislead views and opinions? I don’t know really. I like to think that all this technology has a higher worth than football and computer games. But, I guess that’s me. That is what I want to take from the media that surrounds me. Not everyone is like that.
This is something that doesn’t happen very often. The worlds of Vlog and Blog unite and kind of cross-reference each other. Yes, I shot a video a few days ago about people writing in ‘text speak’ and due to me just editing said video, I decided it is too important a topic for me not to mention it here.
I do talk about writing a lot, because it is something I am really passionate about, and I feel that everyone should make effort in the way that they present what they say, because it says so much about you. As I talk about this with other people, I do discover that this is just personal opinion, and most people don’t seem to care what a person thinks of them, because of their writing ‘style’. But, maybe because I spend a lot of my time writing, I do tend to look between the lines a little. Sorry for the pun.
The thing is, if you know how to write properly, and can at least attempt to spell words right, why on earth would you purposefully write badly? Is it because it is some new young thing, that I have missed out on? I think it is. It started of with text messages. Where you could only fit so many characters into a message, so people started shortening words. The easiest way to shorten words, with them still being semi-legible, is to remove vowels. Which irritated me then, and it was not a thing I did. As more and more people started to use the internet to do things, this manner of miss-spelling found its way onto other platforms. And on these other platforms, more people can see how you write in private. Well, except it isn’t really in private anymore. This is where the people pre-Facebook and people post-Facebook tend to differ. Before Social Networking took over the internet, the main sites used by people, where blog sites and forums. Now, on theses sites, a person had to be able to express themselves properly, because most were there to share opinions, and get to know people. When Social Networking came along, particularly Facebook, it changed things. People came online to talk to people they would have texted. People that they already knew. So the mentality of text messaging moved online.
I know I said that the main reason for typing in ‘text speak’ was to make messages shorter, but ease was also a big factor. Why type in 6 letters, when you can type in 3? That is laziness. This is the generation of people who have to work so much harder to get a job. How can they be expected to work well, if they can’t even muster up the energy to type up a work on their keyboard. And then, you discover that it isn’t just on computers and phones ‘text speak’ is used, and that kids are handing in school reports in this poor state.
I think kids like wasting their education and making themselves look stupid because they have no pride in education. To them, it is something they are forced to go to everyday. Although most of them will go onto some form of higher education, they won’t take pride in what they are learning, and they think of it as some kind of chore. But in some countries, countries which are stricken with the harshest poverty we can imagine, education is a gift. Education is not everything every child gets, so those who do get it are so proud. Education to means everything to some children in Africa, who may walk for 3 hours to get to school. Just so that they can learn how to read and write, to earn money to help their family. How many UK kids would do that. Those who do have pride in their education, are often bullied by the stupid masses.
Seems harsh, but it’s true. I guess, a lot of people won’t realise what they had, until it’s gone. I know I didn’t. I probably didn’t study and work as hard as I should have. But writing is one thing that I have always enjoyed, be it writing an essay or reading a book. To me, I always felt that having good writing ability equalled intelligence. I know now, that other things make a person intelligent, but proper grammar is still considered a desirable quality. It was always said that a person’s shoes, show a lot about them. Well, I feel that the way a person writes, says a lot about them, A lot more than the words that they have written.
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I know that I am not the perfect writer. That is not the point I am making, the point is about the lack of effort people make. And yes, I do feel that if you don’t make any effort with writing, you are dubbing yourself an idiot. It is better getting spelling and grammar wrong, but trying, rather than not trying at all.
I have been recently trying to find some new blogs to read. Since blogging is one of my favourite pastimes, I like to draw inspiration from them. Like, you can get ideas of how to make a blog interesting and keep things going. But, I am finding that there is becoming more crap to filter through before I can find anything worthy of adding to any RSS feed.
What it is, I think, is that some of the most visited sites on the internet are based on a blog-like layout. Where page design is simple, things are posted on a regular basis, and people can read through entries and things. This is good, if you have something valid to say. The most popular blogs on the internet have something to do with fashion, technical news or celebrities. And I am going to be harsh and go through each one, and say why most blogs on those topics are rubbish.
Tech blogs
Tech blogs are a bit hit and miss with me. It’s ok, if someone is showing their thoughts and reviews on a particular web browser release or something, but most of the time, people repost articles and review what is said in the article. That doesn’t really make your blog focus on technical topics, it is more like you are critiquing pieces of writing you found on the internet. People know that by posting and mentioning popular websites, they will get some ‘side-traffic’. Visitors that search for information of that particular site your post mentions. If that makes sense. So, in short, a lot of tech blogs don’t post about actual tech news written by themselves.
Fashion Blogs
One person becomes a professional writer through her own fashion blog, and I swear THOUSANDS of ‘fashionistas’ think they can do the same. -.- Whilst it is undeniable there are really good fashion blogs out there, but some are just a bit dull. Why show the same fashion that every magazine and every other fashion site blabbers about. I mean, playsuits make most women look horrendous, and they really don’t need to be the colour of my gran’s curtians. But, every single fashion site features them, because suddenly every woman should want to look frumpy. Who knew? People who can talk about fashion well, are people who stay away from the catwalk, and use their blog to highlight some little Etsy shop they like. They look for inspiration outwith the magazines found on the newstands. But again, like tech bloggers, a lot of people just copy pictures from some other site, and just re-word someone else’s opinions.
Celebrity Blog
Ever since Perez Hilton started a Blogger account to report any kind of celebrity gossip going, mere mortals have tried to follow suit. Unfortunately, mere mortals don’t know famous people, and a part from meeting some local footballer, there isn’t much reliable gossip. So again, this is another topic which relies on other sources. Yeah, you might find a certain ‘fanbase’ by blabbering about Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers, but most of the time, it is stolen images and usually stolen words. Unless you actually have some contacts (an money), there is very little chance of you getting any story first. And with gossip, it’s who bursts the bubble, who gets the attention.
So, there is my thoughts. The main reason people start up blogs in either topic of interest, is mostly because it looks easy money. I mean, how hard can it be to post regular about something, and then you can get sponsorship and make money… Actually, no! No matter how popular blogging becomes, you need an average of 1k views A DAY to even think about getting sponsored. So if it is money you are looking for, go an look for something else to spend your time on. If however, you are passionate about what you talk about, it will show. You will get comments that will mean a lot to you, and you feel honoured if just one person reads what you have to say. Copying information from elsewhere will never make a good blog, no matter how much you try to disguise it. And following popular topics will also not make you popular. Remember, those topics are only so popular because some writers have put a lot of time and effort perfecting their own craft. Maybe rather than copying their ideas, you should work on your own.
Sometimes I beat my self down, before I even have the chance to rise to my feet in the morning. I’d like to pretend that this is rare, and that I am the only person who feels like this, but I’d be lying. But reccently the ‘beat downs’ have been worse due to reccent events, and my confidence being shot to shit.
What has helped me through has been writing down my feelings about various situations. And whilst this helps me get my feelings ‘out there’, it also helps highlight some of the issues that are bothering me. I have a jotter, which I write in when I am on the bus, or at work, just when I’m generally frustrated and have no access to the internet. It’s like I can go through the process of blogging, without the need to do so.
It’s great. But today, when I was alone and near the place where the attack happened, I panicked. So I got out my jotter and started writing. The stuff that came out was a mess, but it did make some sense. When something has happened, and your life is kinda taken out of your hands, you panic. And I did. I started to say I shouldn’t be who I am anymore. I mean why be who makes you happy, if everyone else hates it.
In retrospect, that would be giving into pressure and changing a lot about me, and it probably wouldn’t be worth it. There would be something else to attack, probably me being fat, and the cycle will continue. And the only way to change how I feel about this, is by training me to react differently. Which is ignoring the people who mock, and just expressing my frustration in other ways. This doesn’t let the other person know they’ve hurt me, and let’s me let my frustrations go in a more controlled manner.
I guess we’ll see what happens. I am trying to put on a brave face and pretend that things are ok. But they aren’t. I think every person who I don’t know has the potential to hurt me. That it is going to happen again. And I smile and act as normal, but I feel so far from normal its almost comical.
Or it felt like it.
Since the escapades of Friday (if you don’t know what I am talking about, read the previous entry), I have been slowly calming down. Seeing as I was in complete shock, and COULD NOT stop shaking. Yesterday was fairly quiet, and despite the fact I wanted to go back out, I felt nervous and told myself I wanted to relax at home. I wish I could say it was nice, but I had so much time to think. The very thought of going outside on my own made my heart beat faster. I did venture out with my mum and sister, but that was just to the High Street, and it only took 20 minutes. So I was housebound, self-inflicted, and spent the day trying to distract myself from going over the previous days events in my head.
This kind of failed, and the events kept on playing out in my mind pretty, much in a continuous loop. So I woke up today, and decided I would venture out. This would have been good, if I wasn’t so nervous, and despite much begging to other people to get them to accompany me, I still ended up on my own. So I decided to bite the bullet, and travel through to Kirkcaldy on my own. Something I had in my head, but was actually shitting myself at the prospect.
Now, I am a very independent person, in that I am very good in my own company. Sometimes I actually thrive in it. I go to gigs on my own, go on holiday, go shopping, I pretty much live a solitary existence. Which is fine by me. I like being in my own head, usually. But today I felt like I needed someone to distract me from my thoughts. But, it didn’t happen, so I decided I’d and go out on my own. Again, I should mention I was still really nervous about going out of the town where I live, as the last time that happened I swear my life flashed before my eyes. I got on the bus at the end of the street and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. Today the book was my only ally against this fear which was building up to the point my heart was racing. But the distraction didn’t really make any difference. The bus journey of about 45 minutes felt like hours. And as I got closer to my destination, I was shaking. It seems a bit melodramatic now, but I was shit scared of being somewhere on my own, and have something happen again.
But, of course, I got to Kirkcaldy and nothing notable happened. I didn’t even find anything I wanted. Whilst this seems a bit pointless writing this into a blog entry, I felt it was needed. The relief I felt when nothing happened as I walked around the shopping centre was immense. To know that nothing had changed, and I could still carry on as normal. When your confidence takes a knock, you are always told to ‘get back on the horse’. Well, my horse was a bus, and I am so glad that I did it. Whilst I am still slightly jumpy, I am happy I did go out on my own. And at the end of it, when I was waiting for the bus, it became the fear that was driving me to leave my comfort zone.
Some people believe that fear is a good thing. Everyone has a fright now and then, and it is how you deal with the frights that decides what kind of person you are. And I guess I am determined, but ask anyone I know, and they’ll tell you that. I’ll do what I want, no matter what stands in my way. And I am happy to report, that whilst I may be a bit more attentive to my surroundings, I’m not going to let my life change.
The brutal truth of why most people act the way they do, is because other people are different to them. Seems a little obscene, but it’s true. No matter how much people bother about being ‘themselves’, they will always try and pass judgement and be judge themselves. And everyone does it. It is something embedded into our psyche, to judge things, whether it be a positive or negative judgement is irrelevant. But people think that judgement starts and stops with things such as TV shows, music and books, but don’t acknowledge that they pick apart fashion and the people wearing the fashion a LOT more than they do anything else. It is a simple thing of like/dislike, where in nature, if a creature doesn’t like something, it will no longer associate itself with it. And that is a behaviour trait that people, as animals, still have to this very date.
This is not normally cause by any form of malicious intent, but by because someone is maybe wearing something that is not to your taste. It is what you do with these thoughts. Most of the time, people think their judgement, and that’s it. Nothing else is done. The trouble is, when people start voicing their judgement. Because we like to think negatively about something, mostly to try and make ourselves seem more superior, it’s part of human nature. But if you receive any negative judgement, it is hard to tell yourself that is ‘just opinion’. Sometimes, against better judgement you react, almost like you are being encouraged to. This reinforces the ‘judger’s’ behaviour because they can then see that they can evoke reaction off people. As if getting a reaction is what it’s all about.
This is a basis of what every person does in their life. You live your life on doing things you like that make you happy, and stay away from things you don’t like. It’s just that it has been taken to the point, that people seem to use likes and dislikes as weapons against each other.. There is no harm in deciding that you think someone looks silly in what they are wearing, but what does voicing it to the person in question really achieve. Does it turn your life into a success? No! Does it make the other person thank you for changing her life with your observation? No! You will offend the person, and nothing will change in your life whatsoever. So because there is no real reason for giving judgement on another person, why do it? And why make a spectacle of yourself whilst doing it?
I am rambling like this because I want to know what would make a person give verbal abuse to another person without being provoked? Why would you choose, as an adult man, to get a friend and threaten a girl who is on her own? That isn’t the kind of natural behaviour I can understand. Maybe it’s because I am stupid or maybe it’s because I would never ever want to make anyone feel like they made me feel. Why I lost a day of work because I was in shock that two men 6/7 years older than me (makes them 33/34) verbally abused me to the point I thought they were going to kill me. And that I was still shaking 6 hours later, and crying when anyone asked me what happened. I was terrified that people were going to tell me to ‘stand up for myself’, when I knew that having two adults scream in your face so badly the police were called, was not anything I really wanted to stand up to. Especially when no-one came up to try and help me. They could have punched me, and I could have done nothing. I don’t know who the guys were, and know nothing that apparently they were ‘off their faces’ on drugs.
I can honestly say, I have never been so scared in my life. And I can’t think of anything that can make sense of why they did it. But other than because I looked different to them, I just can’t understand it.
Every so often, I, like most, find myself pondering my future once in a while. As someone whose current state of existence probably sees her dubbed as a ‘basement dweller’, despite having no basement, I feel a bit depressed when I start thinking about the future.
I think it is because all these ideas I used to have about my life, have failed to materialise into anything substantial. I mean, yes I can paint a picture and edit it on a computer, but NEWS FLASH, unless you have the best qualifications and/or know someone, then you are kinda restricted in that field, Restricted in that people seem to refuse to pay for work, and expect everything for free. Which is ignorant. Do people think I went through the effort of an education, just to give them freebies?
I guess the main reason I am evaluating my life right now, is because it seems a natural contemplation point, seeing as it almost a year since I left college, and not very much has changed. Okay, some things have changed. For instance, mentally I am in a 100% better place than I was 12 months ago. I just feel a lot more free than what I used to, like I am not so restricted anymore. Does that make sense? I feel like I am in a better place, mentally, to cope with problems. Well, I can cope a little better than what I used to. I will still crack up, because apparently cracking up over stupid things is what I do.
I guess I am at a stage where I want to run off into the fields and frolic around like a happy person, but I can’t really see what is in the field, and that holds me back. Worst imagery ever? Probably. I guess it’s like I have one foot ready to go on new adventures, where the other foot is content being where it is. Wow, even worse imagery.
I don’t even know what point I am trying to make. I guess, it’s that I am at the stage where I am looking for something else, something new, and everything that is ahead seems really different. And that little shy kid I used to be, comes to the forefront and decides that it is safer staying put. And I end up feeling confused, and I stress my self out stupidly. I know A LOT of people who are finishing school and they are expressing the distress and confusion I am currently feeling. But, I feel I should let them know, as long as you follow your heart, and do something you want to, you won’t regret what you chose to do. People will call me a waste for being where I am at the age of 27, but I feel accomplished that I have tried so hard at everything I wanted to do. It didn’t all pan out, but I have no regrets about it.
Well, I have to admit at how much I missed my Blackberry Bold. I had to send it away to get repaired, when the screen got a pressure fracture. Well, I don’t think that’s the actual term, but that’s what I am calling it. It seems like pressure had been applied to the screen, giving an appearance of ‘dead pixels’ on the screen. Something I have never experienced before, so I panicked. I decided that although I could still see the screen and use the phone, that I would send it away to get fixed, before the phone became unusable.
This mean I had to return to my previous phone, which was a Nokia slide thing. The thing about having a smart phone, is that you take it for granted that you can send emails, post blogs, access Facebook, et al, all without the need for a computer. Well, returning to a phone which doesn’t even have internet access makes you feel like you have lost a limb. You have to revert back to doing any business through a computer. Which if you are used to just sending quick email replies to people, is a major pain.
I think I feel so bad, because I feel like I have become such a slave to technology, and how much I need it. The thing is, I didn’t even realise it happening. I tell myself, I keep it up because I crave contact with people all over the world. That by networking online, I can help my business. Only, it doesn’t really help with my business. As said before, apart from minor spurts of inspiration, the most creative I have been lately is writing on this very blog. And even then, it is not like I am breaking any boundaries, I just seem to be spouting verbal diarrhoea everywhere. I think, I am getting to the stage where I am making excuses.
But why should I have to make excuses for letting technology help me? Isn’t it a good thing, that so many aspects of our lives can come together so seamlessly, thanks to just a few small devices. I think it is AMAZING, that objects can make us feel like we are closer to people, and are helping us achieve things. I think that there is still a stigma attached to technology, where if you use it a lot, you have no life. But rather than the user be demeaned, it is the mocker who is not willing to open themselves up to try new things. Is it because people are afraid to admit that they like the assistance that having something like a smart phone can provide? That people still want to fool others into thinking, that they can do things on their own?
I don’t know. All I can say is that I am glad to have my Blackberry back.
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