Let It Go!

When you feel stressed, it’s hard to get past whatever has you feeling that way. It’s almost like there is something blocking your path. It’s near impossible to get over it, so you try and force your way past, to no effect. It is hard to keep your energy as you try to continue on your way.

Around your chosen path, there may be a detour. One that takes you round the obstacle, and can get you moving again in the direction you want.

I have made a decision about where I am, and I am going to make a pretty big change. That change means that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the not to distant future. But do you know something? I am excited. I feel so happy that I could do something different. And I don’t mind what that difference is.

Be Your Own Boss

Over the last few months, I have been using this blog as a bit of a ‘pep talk’ for myself. And, to be honest, it hasn’t really worked. But, in doing so, I enable thought the processes to make things better.

I am a very non-confrontational person. Yes, when in my own domain I can be very outspoken and will fight for what I believe in. But, when I am in work, I tend to be completely different. I tend to observe what is going on, and do have the tendency to get pushed around. Which is something that effects my self-esteem, and has the ability to turn a liveable situation into something a lot worse.

I have done some thinking about it, and I have decided to make a stand. I am going to make my life, my domain, so that I feel comfortable enough to fight my corner. After all, why should anyone fight for me, when I won’t do it for myself? So below is a list of things I am going to follow, to get my life back under my control.

1) Say what’s on my mind, when it matters to the relevant person. When I am in a situation, I tend to think of something to say, but rather than pipe up, I utter it in secret to people I am closer to.

2) Confrontation is going to happen, get used to it. I don’t like the idea of facing confliction, because I take something personal if people disagree. I need to understand to stop taking things to heart, and don’t let the reactions of others, impact on me so much.

3) Make plans. Book gig tickets, meet friends for coffee, I need to make more plans. These last few years, I have wasted my money and missed out on opportunities as a result. If I have things to look forward too, life becomes more bearable. So I am planning to enjoy 2013, and create plenty of happy memories. Hopefully, it will make dealing with the hard bits, easier.

4) Keep focused. This is easier said, than done. Stick to what I plan to do, and stay focused on it. Whether its reading, writing, drawing or just general work. Try and limit the distractions which make it so difficult to get things done.

5) Find out what I want. It’s easy to sit in a puddle of apathy, when you can’t decide what you want to do with your life. You can only aim for a goal, once the goalposts are in place. This is something I have to think about, because I am at a loss on what I want to happen in my life. And not knowing, makes things that bit harder.

It’s time to be my own boss, and get this train back on the tracks. Only I can make things happen, so let’s do it.

Book Review: The Help

I feel I should point out, I am not formally educated in anything to do with literature. But, it is something I feel passionate about, and have done since I learned to read. So, I felt I could document books I read, by posting regular reviews for them. Any thoughts are my own, and I will try to limit spoilers, because no one likes that.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Frequently tagged as ‘the opposite to Gone with the Wind’, I picked up this book at my local library because it seemed different. The novel covers the problems in 60s Mississippi, encountered by the hired black help, as they work for white families. Helped by a young aspiring writer, the maids put across their side of the story, in a bit to make things better for their families and friends.

Seems very noble. And the main characters of Skeeter, Minny and Aibileen are very likeable, and this helps the story a lot. Aibileen is a black maid working for the Leefolds, and raising their young daughter Mae Mobley. The relationship between Mae Mobley and Aibileen is sweet. Due to Miss Leefold’s hesitance to handle her child, most of the parenting comes down to the maid. Something, which is described as being normal at the time. You can’t help but feel sorry for children, whose parents
simply don’t want to parent. To those children, their maids are everything, and the children mean the world to the maids.

Minny is Aibileen’s best friend. She has spent most of her life waiting on white families, much like her friend, but she has what she calls ‘sass mouth’, which causes confliction with her employers. She is a feisty character who has a large family and an alcoholic husband. She spends most of the novel working for Miss Celia Foote, who I found one of the more genuine characters in the book. Miss Foote has never had a maid before, and she struggles with what she can or can’t do. And Minny, doesn’t quite know how to take this woman who wants to be friends. In their own space, these two woman are feisty and strong, but together, they both seem nervy and unsure.

And then there’s Skeeter, a recent college graduate, who has just returned home to Jackson to stay at her parent’s plantation. She loved her family’s old maid, Constantine, but is upset to find her gone on her return. She wants to be a writer, and finds herself questioning her values to get where she wants to go. It is her, who approaches Aibileen about writing a book, from the point of view of the help. And starts things changing, coming to loggerheads with her best friend, Hilly Hollbrook, the queen bee of Jackson.

It’s the idea, that a white woman was catalyst for everything, that bothers me. Evidentially, from the piece written by Stockett at the end of the novel, she wanted to be Skeeter. She wanted to change things for the black workers, that worked for her family in 60s Mississippi. But she didn’t, she buried her head in the sand, like so many others did during that time. Whilst I try to ignore the author’s backstory, I can’t help the overtone I felt on the book. It was like ‘white people are awful, but some can make things better for black people’. I find that Skeeter does it all, to further her career as making the whole thing fall a bit flat. I am sure that if Minny or Aibileen had been the instigator, the tone would be different.

Despite what I have said, I did really become emotionally involved in the storyline, and was willing the characters on with their goal. And to me, that alone makes me want to recommend you read this book. The overtone I picked up, did dampen how I feel about the book. Because I felt Skeeter to only push the boundries for her job prospects, whereas Aibileen and Minny wanted to do it for their family. And that idea, wouldn’t shift. So for that, I do have to mark the book down a little.

Rating: 3.5/5

Constant Struggle

These last few days have been greeted with tears of frustration and over-thinking. I feel like I am always a prisioner within my depressed state of mind, with a sentence which has no timescale. Without an end in sight, it is difficult to be productive at all. And it seems to come as a downward spiral. I feel bad about something, then feel bad for feeling bad, and even worse for crying about it. It’s never ending. Or so you can believe.

By filling my time with distractions, I have been given a good sense of perspective. I have watched movies, read books and listened to music, to help get me out of my depressed state. Sometime’s all you need is something to take your mind on to something different. Such as planning a ‘big adventure’ or achieving something on your ‘bucket list’. Something that helps give life meaning, and put the control back into your hands.

There is a serenity that comes from not being so depressed. When low, my mind seems to go into overdrive, set on making me feel worse with every passing second. So, when I have been distracted successfully, my mind slows down. I calm down and relax. Unfortunately it always seems to be a short term thing, and soon the self-doubt comes back. But by working on how to get out of my states of depression, I can control it better myself.

But this is a work in progress. It isn’t easy. In fact, there are times where it is so hard, that I find myself so close to the edge, that I could end it all in a second. And when you get to that stage, it can seem impossible to imagine any way out. But, I honestly believe that if you give your mind something else to focus on, you will slowly step away from the edge.

If you are still reading to this point, and this ramble seems familiar to you and what you go through, then I have a message for you. You are alive today, and that makes you a successful person, no matter what anyone says. So anything that you do today, will just make you even better. Hold your head up high.

Climbing Back On The ‘Ole Horse

I am struggling with motivation.

The writing and drawing that normally gives me immense pleasure, is not doing it so much for me. And it’s a hard thing to get round. Because I tend to feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings to someone face-to-face. I write about them instead. If that doesn’t work, I concentrate all my energy into drawing. And I can feel any frustrations melt away.

But, sometimes, like recently, the ability to express myself so freely hasn’t been there. What I write makes no sense, and I can’t focus enough to draw. So, in turn, I have to try and deal with all the feelings I have in my head. Which proceeds to either me over-reacting to things irrationally, or just a complete breakdown of tears and snot.

It’s difficult, and noone tells you how to cope with that. And it’s a hard lesson to teach yourself. The only advice I can think of is never give up. I can’t tell you how many times I have closed an empty blog entry or put aside my sketchbook recently. But, by persevering you will eventually crave what you haven’t been able to do.

Maybe surrounding myself with more inspiration would help. Right now, I am surrounded by mess and clutter. That needs to change.

Looking For Beauty

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I am one for complaining about where I live. How the same things happen every day, and it gets so tiresome.

But sometimes, you take a step back and take things in for what it is. And you realise that amongst the numbness of daily life, there is a silver lining. Appreciate the time and effort that has gone to build the town or city you live in.

Sometimes, you need to look beyond the Buckfast bottles, and appreciate life. Hard work has gone in to create every little thing around you. From the pavements you walk on, to the newspapers in the shops. Everything has been made by others. And then the grass and weeds that line the pavement, that grow over time, powered by nothing more than nature.

The world is a pretty magical and beautiful place. Just take the time to look around a little. 🙂

Merry Christmas

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What does Christmas mean to you?

For most it is church, and involvement in one of the biggest religious holidays
of the year. Celebrate what marks the rough date of the ‘immaculate conception’ when Mary became pregnant with Jesus. And ceremonies around the world, celebrate the life that was created that day.

But then, some like me, aren’t sure about it. I understand the significance, of it to people, but it just isn’t something I relate to.

I like Christmas, because it brings families together. It gives me the chance to show appreciation to my friends and family. To say thank you. The way we show thanks in society, is to give. We give presents, as a thank you to others being a part of our lives. We eat a meal, round the table, and spend the day together.

So, however you celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a great day. I hope you get the chance to spend time with the people that matter.

Love What You Have

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The last week has lead to people looking around in shock after the terrible events in Connecticut. There is very little that people feel like they can do. All they can do is try to think about how they’d feel. You look at your family and friends, and feel at a loss at what you would do if you were caught up in a bad situation like that.

My cat, Billy, (pictured above) is a suck-up of a lil’ kitty. Well, he is when he wants something. But when I feel a bit low, he comes up for a cuddle, and pesters me. It’s cute. He helps me feel a little valued. When lost or confused about something, a lot of people turn to their pets.

I think that when we such despicable acts of evil, the love that we see in our pets can be comforting. With fresh food every day and a scratch on the belly, a cat or dog will be your best friend. And being able to see that there is good in the world, could help people make sense of the hatred and despair they see.

This is the nonsensical way I think about things. Well, it makes sense to me.

All It Takes Is A Little Effort

Sucking at life is easy. People make a big deal of it being ‘so hard’. How heartbreaking it is, when things don’t go your way. How it sucks when you ‘try so hard’ and everything just falls apart. But be honest. Did you really give the 100%, which the situation required?

Probably not. I know I am in my current predicament because I haven’t applied myself to things. I will cry, and feel sorry for myself, but that does even less than the ‘no effort’ does. I try to tell myself that I have an amazing work ethic. I do, in the aspect that I go out and work. I, however, do not apply myself to said work, which ends up with things going wrong. I then have the nerve to turn to others, to managers, to teachers, and blame them for my failures.

It all sounds rather terrible, doesn’t it? Maybe not something I should post in something I consider my ‘more professional’ blog. ‘Come and hire me, I’ll show face but don’t expect any work done’.

I am posting this here, because I feel that acknowledgement of a problem, is the first step to try and fix it. And I want to fix it. I am a bit sick to the back teeth of constantly failing. My life feels like a list of ‘have not dones’, rather than ‘have dones’. Which is the route of my depression recently.  Being depressed is very tiring, and is something that takes up all your time, absorbs all your energy.  Which is ironic when I think it is laziness, which has got me into where I am right now. All because I couldn’t be bothered.

So, I am setting out to become more bothered and dedicate myself to getting things done. Whether it is blogging, completing tasks at work, or visiting friends when I say I would. I suck at all aspects of life, and I am so unreliable. I want to be a person someone can turn to. I want to excel at my job. I want to be better than who I am today.

I know it’s a bit early for a New Year’s Resolution, but 2013, let’s have ye.