Finding Significance

I have been lost the last week or so. I am going through the cycle of eating, sleeping and watching TV, but there has been no feeling. The feeling of numbness takes over, and it’s hard to overcome this feeling of wanting to bury one’s head in the sand. Just ignore the world, and pretend that everything is okay.

In a bit, to rid myself of these thoughts, I have been walkimg. It is a good way to clear my head, and get my thoughts in some kind of order. It is also good at helping remind myself that the worold is full of beauty. Beauty that is natural and continues to grow despite what happens around it.

cliff

The image above is an example of nature. It is a cliff created when people started mining the hard rock, from what I have heard, and blasted the hillside. Because the area is so close to the sea, when the blasts got below sea level, water filled the hole. For years, the quarry was left, kids would swim in the pool, and it became a popular area with dog walkers. About 7 years ago, the local council wanted to sell the land for housing, the problem was that the pool would need to be drained.Everytime the pool was drained, the water would start to fill it again. After several attempts, they left it.  And over time, the pool has become as full as it ever was.

It made me think. People, and life, will try to challenge you and knock you off your feet. But nature has a way of making what is supposed to happen, happen. If changes occur, nature allows things to adapt and change as needed. And that if things are supposed to be a certain way, it will happen regardless of what others want.

It gave me perspective. And that although I feel like life has been taken out of my hands, it just means that I have to take a detour. The world keeps turning, and things still happen, it just means a few things have changed. Perseverance and hard work will still get me where I want to go. And that is just a part of nature.

Fallen Heroes

Tune to the News channels, and you will probably find that some famous person has done something wrong. They disappoint their fans and followers, by doing something that destroys the image that they have built up. Which is not something exclusive to celebrities. Family members, friends or colleagues can also do something that changes your perception in them for the worse. And if that person is someone who inspires you, then it can also leave you questioning your values.

If someone has admirable qualities, should their less admirable achievements mask them? I am not sure. I think part of the problem is, that if you idolise a person, you put them on a pedestal. You hold them high, as you strive to follow their example, and get where you want to go in life. But when something ‘unsavoury’ comes to light, we change our entire perception of that person. It’s like they become a completely different person. But, it also effects us, as people. We see that our hero is flawed, and that person we strive to be like is not as perfect as we believed.

I guess, people should accept that nobody is perfect. We all have less favourable qualities and/or actions. It shouldn’t take away from our good qualities. Once we can recognise both the good and bad, in ourselves, we can appreciate the same in others. Success can be managed in so many different ways, and it is easy to hold people in high regard, if they are in a place you’d like to see your own life head. And whilst it is okay to be inspired by such people, don’t let them define who you are. You are your own person, and being that, you also have to be your own inspiration. You have to have the drive to continue on, without relying on idolising people to the point that we view them as a flawless. Everyone is flawed.

An Alien World

Due to reasons I am not going to detail here, I was yesterday made unemployed.

Big whoop, right? Well, wrong, I have worked constantly since I was 16, and to be 28 with no job is rather frightening. In fact, it does not help the anxiety that I talked about in the last post. I have always had a set routine, whether it be work, college or school. So, I currently find myself, nervously, at a bit of a loss.

Upon advice, my goal is to keep myself motivated. Keep moving. First thing I did today, was apply for job seekers allowance. Something, that has a lot of stigma attached to it. Why? Possibly because there is this idea, that people who are not necessarily looking for a job are the ones who claim. Whilst I am certain some people do live in this stereotype, most claimants use it as help. And despite paying tax my whole working life, I feel embarrassed about claiming. Something that is because of the stigma mentioned above. I am hoping that this is just a short term thing, till I get a new job, but you can never tell. Job seeker’s allowance is there to help people live, and as much I wish things were different, they aren’t. I need a wee help, and I am grateful that I live in a country, where something there to help.

This sense of uncertainty over my future does also have me excited on something new. Sometimes doors do close, and it is a bit of a bummer, but the door of opportunity opens. It is up to a person whether they turn round and accept a new challenge, or whether they wallow in what they have lost. And, strangely, I feel like I can take on this new world, this scary world. This isn’t a holiday, so I don’t want to start thinking it is. I want to apply to multiple jobs every day. Send out my CV. Just work hard, that way, I may still feel a little bit valid. It’s hard thinking that I have no role, no purpose, and I think that’s the part that scares me most.

 

A Confession About Online Expression

I spend a lot of time online. Which is evident, if you follow me on any social network. I used it as an outlay, as a way to let of some steam. And most people I know, appreciate why. But some, do not. They dub me an attention seeker, and disregard what I feel and express as nonsense, as a result.

I turned to the Internet when I first suffered from depression, about 5 years ago. I didn’t know who to speak to, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. It sounds ridiculous, but when you observe the people closest to you doing well, and getting on with things, you feel pathetic that you can’t do the same. So you don’t speak to those around you, for fear that you get pointed out for being as childish as you feel. So, I turned to the Internet. To blogs and forums. To places I could interact with people, and not feel so alone in my dilemma. I started writing blogs about my life, and used sites like MySpace as an accompaniment. I complained, i laughed, I spoke about the things that noone around me understood. I found friends, whose kind words advised me through some difficult times, because they had experiences similar.

Depression and anxiety never truly leaves. As a person, you have to recognise signs and learn how to deal with it. Which can make the condition bearable. However, as a person grows and changes, their mental state also grows and changes. You find yourself in situations which you can’t explain, you try to find a logical answer, but it doesn’t come. You can find your anxiety creating problems in work, and in general life. But, trying to get others to understand that you don’t know what’s wrong, is difficult. Especially in work places, or situations where people want to help.

People can mis-understand the lack of answers, as laziness, that you don’t want help. It’s not that a person doesn’t need or want help, they just don’t know what it is that is wrong. It’s like being lost in the middle of a field in a thick fog. You can’t see where you are going, nor the direction that you need to go. And every day is the same. A new day brings a new field, and sometimes the fog is thicker than other times.

And that’s where I am. A field filled with fog, and I need some clarity. Sometimes writing clears that fog a little. Be it short tweets, Facebook status updates or blog entries. It gives me the chance to try and wrestle with my emotions without fear of embarrassment. There is not confrontation, which I feel is my big problem. I am at the stage, where I fear that every person I talk to hates me and wants to scream at me. That is a horrible place to be. I don’t know how to silence these thoughts, and noone I ask for help seems to understand.

Writing is my way of saying what I need to, without the confrontation. And that is the main reason I do it. I’m just not used to people I actually know reading what I think, so the confrontation ends up happening. And yes, ‘how are you’, is confrontational in my head, because I don’t know how to answer you, and I panic.

Opinion?

Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one.

That statement is very true. I feel it also gives the idea that an opinion is something negative. It is like the quotation above feels that opinions are wasteful, due to the part of the body that it compares it with. It’s the part of the body that gets rid of all the leftovers. So, all the expression contains some truth, I find it to be an unfair analysis. It is a rather poor attitude to have on the subject of opinions.

Of course everyone does have, and are entitled to, their own opinion. The problem is, that people believe that they can change the opinion of others. An honest opinion is created with a person’s own thoughts and ideas. They think about what they have experienced, and craft their own thoughts on a particular subject. That makes having an opinion a very personal process, and I don’t believe that someone else should try to change it. Because if a person has an opinion, they have thought about a topic, and they believe themselves to be right.

And that is where problems occur. If you personally believe something is right, and someone tries to convince you otherwise, it can be hard not to get offended. So people defend their opinion, and those of different opinions clash.

I feel that if I wish for people to respect my opinion, then I should respect theirs. It’s simple, and should be very simple to understand. And it could be relatable to subjects such as religion, politics, eating habits and favourite bands. Respecting what others think is a big part of what is wrong in today’s society. Too many people let their own opinion become a blockade towards relating with others. For example, I know people, who shall remain nameless, who won’t associate with people who are religious, because they don’t believe in it. The religious folk are lovely, but people’s own intolerance stop them from seeing that.

Why is it that people strive to be so different, but then won’t accept the differences of others?

Let It Go!

When you feel stressed, it’s hard to get past whatever has you feeling that way. It’s almost like there is something blocking your path. It’s near impossible to get over it, so you try and force your way past, to no effect. It is hard to keep your energy as you try to continue on your way.

Around your chosen path, there may be a detour. One that takes you round the obstacle, and can get you moving again in the direction you want.

I have made a decision about where I am, and I am going to make a pretty big change. That change means that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the not to distant future. But do you know something? I am excited. I feel so happy that I could do something different. And I don’t mind what that difference is.

Be Your Own Boss

Over the last few months, I have been using this blog as a bit of a ‘pep talk’ for myself. And, to be honest, it hasn’t really worked. But, in doing so, I enable thought the processes to make things better.

I am a very non-confrontational person. Yes, when in my own domain I can be very outspoken and will fight for what I believe in. But, when I am in work, I tend to be completely different. I tend to observe what is going on, and do have the tendency to get pushed around. Which is something that effects my self-esteem, and has the ability to turn a liveable situation into something a lot worse.

I have done some thinking about it, and I have decided to make a stand. I am going to make my life, my domain, so that I feel comfortable enough to fight my corner. After all, why should anyone fight for me, when I won’t do it for myself? So below is a list of things I am going to follow, to get my life back under my control.

1) Say what’s on my mind, when it matters to the relevant person. When I am in a situation, I tend to think of something to say, but rather than pipe up, I utter it in secret to people I am closer to.

2) Confrontation is going to happen, get used to it. I don’t like the idea of facing confliction, because I take something personal if people disagree. I need to understand to stop taking things to heart, and don’t let the reactions of others, impact on me so much.

3) Make plans. Book gig tickets, meet friends for coffee, I need to make more plans. These last few years, I have wasted my money and missed out on opportunities as a result. If I have things to look forward too, life becomes more bearable. So I am planning to enjoy 2013, and create plenty of happy memories. Hopefully, it will make dealing with the hard bits, easier.

4) Keep focused. This is easier said, than done. Stick to what I plan to do, and stay focused on it. Whether its reading, writing, drawing or just general work. Try and limit the distractions which make it so difficult to get things done.

5) Find out what I want. It’s easy to sit in a puddle of apathy, when you can’t decide what you want to do with your life. You can only aim for a goal, once the goalposts are in place. This is something I have to think about, because I am at a loss on what I want to happen in my life. And not knowing, makes things that bit harder.

It’s time to be my own boss, and get this train back on the tracks. Only I can make things happen, so let’s do it.

Book Review: The Help

I feel I should point out, I am not formally educated in anything to do with literature. But, it is something I feel passionate about, and have done since I learned to read. So, I felt I could document books I read, by posting regular reviews for them. Any thoughts are my own, and I will try to limit spoilers, because no one likes that.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Frequently tagged as ‘the opposite to Gone with the Wind’, I picked up this book at my local library because it seemed different. The novel covers the problems in 60s Mississippi, encountered by the hired black help, as they work for white families. Helped by a young aspiring writer, the maids put across their side of the story, in a bit to make things better for their families and friends.

Seems very noble. And the main characters of Skeeter, Minny and Aibileen are very likeable, and this helps the story a lot. Aibileen is a black maid working for the Leefolds, and raising their young daughter Mae Mobley. The relationship between Mae Mobley and Aibileen is sweet. Due to Miss Leefold’s hesitance to handle her child, most of the parenting comes down to the maid. Something, which is described as being normal at the time. You can’t help but feel sorry for children, whose parents
simply don’t want to parent. To those children, their maids are everything, and the children mean the world to the maids.

Minny is Aibileen’s best friend. She has spent most of her life waiting on white families, much like her friend, but she has what she calls ‘sass mouth’, which causes confliction with her employers. She is a feisty character who has a large family and an alcoholic husband. She spends most of the novel working for Miss Celia Foote, who I found one of the more genuine characters in the book. Miss Foote has never had a maid before, and she struggles with what she can or can’t do. And Minny, doesn’t quite know how to take this woman who wants to be friends. In their own space, these two woman are feisty and strong, but together, they both seem nervy and unsure.

And then there’s Skeeter, a recent college graduate, who has just returned home to Jackson to stay at her parent’s plantation. She loved her family’s old maid, Constantine, but is upset to find her gone on her return. She wants to be a writer, and finds herself questioning her values to get where she wants to go. It is her, who approaches Aibileen about writing a book, from the point of view of the help. And starts things changing, coming to loggerheads with her best friend, Hilly Hollbrook, the queen bee of Jackson.

It’s the idea, that a white woman was catalyst for everything, that bothers me. Evidentially, from the piece written by Stockett at the end of the novel, she wanted to be Skeeter. She wanted to change things for the black workers, that worked for her family in 60s Mississippi. But she didn’t, she buried her head in the sand, like so many others did during that time. Whilst I try to ignore the author’s backstory, I can’t help the overtone I felt on the book. It was like ‘white people are awful, but some can make things better for black people’. I find that Skeeter does it all, to further her career as making the whole thing fall a bit flat. I am sure that if Minny or Aibileen had been the instigator, the tone would be different.

Despite what I have said, I did really become emotionally involved in the storyline, and was willing the characters on with their goal. And to me, that alone makes me want to recommend you read this book. The overtone I picked up, did dampen how I feel about the book. Because I felt Skeeter to only push the boundries for her job prospects, whereas Aibileen and Minny wanted to do it for their family. And that idea, wouldn’t shift. So for that, I do have to mark the book down a little.

Rating: 3.5/5

Constant Struggle

These last few days have been greeted with tears of frustration and over-thinking. I feel like I am always a prisioner within my depressed state of mind, with a sentence which has no timescale. Without an end in sight, it is difficult to be productive at all. And it seems to come as a downward spiral. I feel bad about something, then feel bad for feeling bad, and even worse for crying about it. It’s never ending. Or so you can believe.

By filling my time with distractions, I have been given a good sense of perspective. I have watched movies, read books and listened to music, to help get me out of my depressed state. Sometime’s all you need is something to take your mind on to something different. Such as planning a ‘big adventure’ or achieving something on your ‘bucket list’. Something that helps give life meaning, and put the control back into your hands.

There is a serenity that comes from not being so depressed. When low, my mind seems to go into overdrive, set on making me feel worse with every passing second. So, when I have been distracted successfully, my mind slows down. I calm down and relax. Unfortunately it always seems to be a short term thing, and soon the self-doubt comes back. But by working on how to get out of my states of depression, I can control it better myself.

But this is a work in progress. It isn’t easy. In fact, there are times where it is so hard, that I find myself so close to the edge, that I could end it all in a second. And when you get to that stage, it can seem impossible to imagine any way out. But, I honestly believe that if you give your mind something else to focus on, you will slowly step away from the edge.

If you are still reading to this point, and this ramble seems familiar to you and what you go through, then I have a message for you. You are alive today, and that makes you a successful person, no matter what anyone says. So anything that you do today, will just make you even better. Hold your head up high.

Climbing Back On The ‘Ole Horse

I am struggling with motivation.

The writing and drawing that normally gives me immense pleasure, is not doing it so much for me. And it’s a hard thing to get round. Because I tend to feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings to someone face-to-face. I write about them instead. If that doesn’t work, I concentrate all my energy into drawing. And I can feel any frustrations melt away.

But, sometimes, like recently, the ability to express myself so freely hasn’t been there. What I write makes no sense, and I can’t focus enough to draw. So, in turn, I have to try and deal with all the feelings I have in my head. Which proceeds to either me over-reacting to things irrationally, or just a complete breakdown of tears and snot.

It’s difficult, and noone tells you how to cope with that. And it’s a hard lesson to teach yourself. The only advice I can think of is never give up. I can’t tell you how many times I have closed an empty blog entry or put aside my sketchbook recently. But, by persevering you will eventually crave what you haven’t been able to do.

Maybe surrounding myself with more inspiration would help. Right now, I am surrounded by mess and clutter. That needs to change.