A Confession About Online Expression

I spend a lot of time online. Which is evident, if you follow me on any social network. I used it as an outlay, as a way to let of some steam. And most people I know, appreciate why. But some, do not. They dub me an attention seeker, and disregard what I feel and express as nonsense, as a result.

I turned to the Internet when I first suffered from depression, about 5 years ago. I didn’t know who to speak to, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. It sounds ridiculous, but when you observe the people closest to you doing well, and getting on with things, you feel pathetic that you can’t do the same. So you don’t speak to those around you, for fear that you get pointed out for being as childish as you feel. So, I turned to the Internet. To blogs and forums. To places I could interact with people, and not feel so alone in my dilemma. I started writing blogs about my life, and used sites like MySpace as an accompaniment. I complained, i laughed, I spoke about the things that noone around me understood. I found friends, whose kind words advised me through some difficult times, because they had experiences similar.

Depression and anxiety never truly leaves. As a person, you have to recognise signs and learn how to deal with it. Which can make the condition bearable. However, as a person grows and changes, their mental state also grows and changes. You find yourself in situations which you can’t explain, you try to find a logical answer, but it doesn’t come. You can find your anxiety creating problems in work, and in general life. But, trying to get others to understand that you don’t know what’s wrong, is difficult. Especially in work places, or situations where people want to help.

People can mis-understand the lack of answers, as laziness, that you don’t want help. It’s not that a person doesn’t need or want help, they just don’t know what it is that is wrong. It’s like being lost in the middle of a field in a thick fog. You can’t see where you are going, nor the direction that you need to go. And every day is the same. A new day brings a new field, and sometimes the fog is thicker than other times.

And that’s where I am. A field filled with fog, and I need some clarity. Sometimes writing clears that fog a little. Be it short tweets, Facebook status updates or blog entries. It gives me the chance to try and wrestle with my emotions without fear of embarrassment. There is not confrontation, which I feel is my big problem. I am at the stage, where I fear that every person I talk to hates me and wants to scream at me. That is a horrible place to be. I don’t know how to silence these thoughts, and noone I ask for help seems to understand.

Writing is my way of saying what I need to, without the confrontation. And that is the main reason I do it. I’m just not used to people I actually know reading what I think, so the confrontation ends up happening. And yes, ‘how are you’, is confrontational in my head, because I don’t know how to answer you, and I panic.

2 thoughts on “A Confession About Online Expression

  1. I definitely agree. I have an anxiety problem too, and I first started blogging a few months ago because it was at its worst. I recently started doing group therapy, though, and it has helped me a lot. Even simple things like focusing on the air in between objects or meditation help me out. You’re not the only one who is here for an escape from their anxiety. I highly recommend you talk to someone, though, because learning how to deal with anxiety when it comes up is one of the best things you can do for yourself. As you’ve already found out, it doesn’t just go away on its own. Best of luck!

    1. I have recently been to my Doctor, and he helped a lot. Helped me realise that I wasn’t alone, and gave me information so that I can go and talk about my problems. One thing he also thought, was that I was being very anxious over everything. The anxiety seems to come from not know what’s coming next. So I have been advised to try and stick to a daily routine, so that I have something to plan for. Having a set plan, might help calm me down. So, going to give that a try. Fingers crossed, and thanks for your advice. Group therapy was another thing that the Doctor suggested, but take it a step at a time.

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