Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

‘Born And Raised By Hypocrits’

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I remember being an eager student in Primary School and being told that I could be and do whatever I wanted. Of course the endless ‘rules’ of the classroom and having to blindly obey a teacher without reasoning, left me feeling a bit lost. It was like, ‘yes, do what you want, but not in the school’s time’. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t the brightest person in my class, but I certainly wasn’t the most stupid. I always did a lot of reading in my own time, I liked to try and push myself, so the idea that school wanted us to ‘try, but not too hard’ was a bit much for me. And in the end, the mixed signals left me jaded, and that by the time I finished school, I didn’t care too much about the whole thing.

Whilst I like to think that in adulthood, things have changed, and people can be more open and honest with each other, I know this doesn’t happen. The big thing is I notice that those around me seem willing to compromise on things so important as ethics. Ethics and beliefs are what make us, us. And yet people are willing throw such things aside, especially if it means it would mean using a little effort. The big thing is buying products, I’m pretty sure that everyone would love to make sure that they people who make it possible to enjoy said products, were paid fairly. But this doesn’t happen, unless you buy specialist products. People tend to believe in the idea of people getting more money for producing things like clothing, but they won’t pay any more so will still shop in cheaper shops like Primark. It means they are being contradictory, saying one thing, but doing the opposite.

I mean going back to my youth, you were told to live by your convictions, but noone followed up on them. Even religion, I went and enjoyed church and Sunday school as a kid. I loved books, and a lot of the things we did, was reading or even better arts and crafts. I thought it was awesome. Now although my family will cite Church of Scotland as their religion, none of them could tell you anything they learned from the bible or the last time they went to church. I, now as an adult tend to abstain from religion, as I don’t like the idea of following something blindly. I have read up on other religions, and do like seeing the lessons they have to teach, but I don’t pray nor ask anyone for forgiveness. But then, the hypocrisy is that I will still celebrate Christmas. And I know a lot of people, who are very similar to me in that respect.

I guess it’s all a bit of a minefield. It’s hard to deal with ethics and morality, if you have been given mixed signals all your life.

music- Green Day- Are We The Waiting
mood– chirpy
Pokemon Black badges– 1

‘Born And Raised By Hyporcrits’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember being an eager student in Primary School and being told that I could be and do whatever I wanted. Of course the endless ‘rules’ of the classroom and having to blindly obey a teacher without reasoning, left me feeling a bit lost. It was like, ‘yes, do what you want, but not in the school’s time’. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t the brightest person in my class, but I certainly wasn’t the most stupid. I always did a lot of reading in my own time, I liked to try and push myself, so the idea that school wanted us to ‘try, but not too hard’ was a bit much for me. And in the end, the mixed signals left me jaded, and that by the time I finished school, I didn’t care too much about the whole thing.

Whilst I like to think that in adulthood, things have changed, and people can be more open and honest with each other, I know this doesn’t happen. The big thing is I notice that those around me seem willing to compromise on things so important as ethics. Ethics and beliefs are what make us, us. And yet people are willing throw such things aside, especially if it means it would mean using a little effort. The big thing is buying products, I’m pretty sure that everyone would love to make sure that they people who make it possible to enjoy said products, were paid fairly. But this doesn’t happen, unless you buy specialist products. People tend to believe in the idea of people getting more money for producing things like clothing, but they won’t pay any more so will still shop in cheaper shops like Primark. It means they are being contradictory, saying one thing, but doing the opposite.

I mean going back to my youth, you were told to live by your convictions, but noone followed up on them. Even religion, I went and enjoyed church and Sunday school as a kid. I loved books, and a lot of the things we did, was reading or even better arts and crafts. I thought it was awesome. Now although my family will cite Church of Scotland as their religion, none of them could tell you anything they learned from the bible or the last time they went to church. I, now as an adult tend to abstain from religion, as I don’t like the idea of following something blindly. I have read up on other religions, and do like seeing the lessons they have to teach, but I don’t pray nor ask anyone for forgiveness. But then, the hypocrisy is that I will still celebrate Christmas. And I know a lot of people, who are very similar to me in that respect.

I guess it’s all a bit of a minefield. It’s hard to deal with ethics and morality, if you have been given mixed signals all your life.

Rushed

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I’m at work, on my break.
Been so busy, like unbelievably busy.
The good thing is that busy = fast when working. And if it is taking me a day closer to the weekend, I’ll take it.

Highlight of a rather dull day was probably making fun of my sister’s Wii-ner. Yeah, busy times. But the dull slowness was kicked out of the park when I came into work. -.-

‘Almost weekend’ is becoming my mantra right now.

Fighting All Sorts of Battles.

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Did the possibly bad thing of purchasing Pokemon Black for the DS. Yes, it is a good game, and the effects and feel of the game is the smoothest yet, but bang goes any chance of me getting any work done.  Saying that, I don’t ever really need an excuse not to work. -.- At the moment I am working towards my first gym badge. I do have to say, the character design for the Pokemon seems to be getting worse. Maybe it’s just because two of the first Pokemon I met, when the game got started where a cat and a dog. Yeah not so impressed with that. But the new feel of the game is enough to make me overlook that.

Also, writing this up on the family computer, as I try to banish the dreaded malware and viruses AGAIN. This is the second time in as many months, the computer has been rendered useless by infections of some sort. What happens is that my mum, dad and sister, who use the computer, don’t seem to realise how to actually look after the thing. In fact, when I check their antivirus, a full scan hasn’t been completed since the last time I fixed the ruddy thing.

I think that there should be some ‘Internet Security for Dummies’ that should be given away with EVERY PC. So that everyone would have the basic knowledge on how to fix their computer. I mean, it isn’t too much, expecting people who want to go online to have a basic education about defending against viruses. But, trying to get people to know how to limit damage when their PC does become infected.

But that’s too much. People don’t seem to have any respect for their computer and download whatever they want. I mean, to say that I am the only one who knows how to fix computers in this house is one thing, but to know that noone else seems to even try to look after the computer. It makes me feel a little sorry for the poor thing.

I think the problem is being cause by online games, like free game sites. From what I understand, which may be wrong, every time you do something online, your computer needs to download some data to help get display the webpage. And the more complicated the webpage is, whether it contains games or videos, the more data has to be downloaded onto the computer to process things. From what I think I understand, is that some malware is able to be downloaded onto the PC with the data used to play and run games/videos. And because of the manner that the malware comes onto the computer, it eases past the security software, and infects the computer, often stopping the user from doing even the most simple task.

And trying to explain this too my folks, is like mission impossible. -.-

Not as bad as I thought

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So birthday was rather fun yesterday.

Ok, most of the day was spent sitting around doing nothing. (I tell myself I was chilling out, because it makes the nothing seem like it is an actual activity.) I got a new pair of jammies a new iPod dock, seeing as I broke my old one. -.- I have a tendency for breaking things, sometimes I think it is the only thing I am able to ‘do well’.

And then I come to one of the few good things about Facebook, it reminds everyone of your birthday.  Which one hand leads to lots of empty ‘happy birthdays’, but on the other hand, it makes you feel good that people actually think enough to wish you a happy birthday. It’s nice. that someone did think of you, even if it was just for the 10 or so seconds it took them to type a message on your Facebook wall. So it made me happy, and also made me feel a little bit loved.

I have to say, I was a giggly fangirl when this came through:

And if you know me at all, you’ll know how insanely happy and hyper it made me. Seriously was in the middle of writing a movie review for The Eagle (good film, btw) and I just became a mess. I couldn’t focus on anything, so spent what was left of my birthday watching My Little Pony, like the hardcore individual that I am.

And how much do I hate Twitter, that it messed up the PMs so much, that TweetDeck was the only place I could get a decent picture of it. -.- But I swear, I got it on my phone and stared at it for a whole 10 minutes. And then went all…

Anyway, hope people have a great start to the week.

Mood: Hyper

Music: Blink 182- Dumpweed

Condolonces On Another Birthday

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

As much as I try to be positive about it, I always end up crying at least once on my birthday in an overwhelming dose of self-pity.

Birthdays are a natural point where someone can look back on their last year, and deem whether it’s been a success or not. Unfortunately, I don’t have many years I count as being successful. I am 27, still working a crap part-time job, still living at home, still a total waster. No matter what I try to think about, it’s always the same negative points my thoughts lead back to.

I guess, I just have to take a deep breath. In the last year I saw Blink 182 and Good Charlotte, I met Charlie Harper and John Robb. I got the chance to meet Good Charlotte fans I have spoken to for years. Got a new Good Charlotte album. Got a new Green Day album. Somehow became an expert on blogging, and helped a few people get started with posting things. I bungee jumped. I got hammered at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and went on the Pepsi Max. I got addicted to coffee. I got re-addicted to Green Day.

A lot did happen that actually makes me feel good about the last year. It’s just trying to train myself to focus on these things. But at 27, it is not easy to kick the habit of thinking about the negatives. I am trying to get past the thoughts that I am almost grieving my birthdays as I get older. It’s hard. It’s painful to know that you aren’t going to be able to achieve all the things you thought possible as a kid.

Being a realistic adult is such a drag.

Mood- beh!

Music- Green Day- Jesus of Suburbia

 

Wake up, wake up!

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Do you ever feel like you need to get a grip on things? That the life you are leading needs to change? I do.

The issue is finding what it is that will change things. I am a believer that a person makes their own destiny, and that if you want something, only you can make it happen. Which is fine, if you know how to make that happen. Of course, any action that you do could help change the direction of your life. There is a saying that ‘if you can’t find a job doing what you want, create yourself a job’. That is a good sentiment, if you can put the right amount of effort in. But when you work hard on something, it is hard to give up, when you realise things won’t come to you as easily as you hope. I suppose if you manage to be a success and do what you want, then it says a lot about you and your character.

At the moment, I feel like I am at the crossroads where it is hard for me to put in constant effort. Its becoming a year since I left college, and it’s a lot harder than I thought to get money doing what I love. I suppose I am lucky I have a job, so I have a regular wage whilst I struggle finding customers and such.

Its easy when you are in education. You are filled optimism with the ideas that you will get paid for work easily. Except, people want work for free. Which is good initially, as you are getting work. But time goes on, and the same people still want things for free. You, as an artist, lose focus and value of what you are doing, and find it hard to continue making things. Its a cycle.

Only time will tell whether you can be a success or not.

BEDA= Blog Every Day in April

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Pretty self explanatory, I think.

It is something created by the internet community to get people writing a blog post every day. This isn’t reblogging something on tumblr, it is writing a substantial, more traditional, blog post that holds some meaning to you.

It is something to encourage people to get in the habit of posting regularly. And because I know a LOT of people who are struggling on both the idea of blogging and actually remembering to post, I felt this may be a good thing for them to try. Some of the blogs in my links at the side >>>>>>>>>>> are attempting this. So check them out. Namely, I Talk To Snakes and Owlssayhoot, as they are both doing this.

Like any other writing prompt thing, the best way to get into blogging every day is by doing a few things, created to help a writer.

1) Get a friend to blog with, you can both decide on a topic of interest, and both write your take on things.

2)If you struggle posting on consecutive days, reward yourself when you do. Even if it is something like a cake or an hour playing your favourite video game.

3) Let it be known to the world that you are trying to blog every day, and if they notice that you are not updating, then they can give you some sort of punishment.

4) Talk about something you like, something you care about. Even if it is just a take on what happened to you that day. You can’t expect people to read what you write, if you don’t care about the topic yourself.

5)Have fun. Too many people fail at blogging, because they tend to think of it as a chore, but it should be something you enjoy doing.

6) If it helps, give yourself small, achievable targets. Because if you are finding something difficult, then it is better to break it down. I mean, writing for 2 days, is a lot easier than thinking about writing for the whole 30 days.

And, I don’t have much else to say. Although I have moments where I may miss a few days, or even a week, I find it quite easy to blog regular, so I am posting this just to try and help motivate some people. Hopefully it works, if not then you just get to read me offloading things. So BAU on this front, then.

I know that within the last month or so, I feel that I have been neglecting my blog. I don’t have any excuse why, really. I just haven’t been updating anything recently. *shrugs* I am just so ‘out of wack’ right now.

But I hope people join in with BEDA, and I hope to read a lot of interesting blogs in the next month.

Wondered Lonely As A Cloud

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I guess, I am bringing this blog down to a personal level again. I go through phases where I decide I am going to keep things stictly business, but I can’t. I blog to let out my frustrations, and such, the blog is obviously going to be personal.

I am sitting at home today, not been out the house yet. I have my sister’s show tonight, where she is singing in some school production thing. I feel pretty lonely today. It’s not the ‘oh I need a boyfriend’ kind of loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness that comes from missing company.

Now, I have never been the kind of girl who needs others to live happy. I am the happiest on my own, with a good book. But sometimes, I watch people interact with best friends that they have had for years, and they support each other through everything.

I, forever positive, seem to think that I am too much of a bother to normally voice these concerns. That noone really wants to care for someone, who should really just wake up to the real world. Other people seem to have their own lives, I’m sure me forcing my issues of self-worth on them, would not be appreciated.

So I suffer in silence. And some way, I know that it is only inside my head, and that there is nothing ‘real’ that is making me suffer. But, some people argue that in your head or not, everything is real. Like all things, reality only occurs for what the person experiences themselves. I am sure that every person has a part of their brain, which tells them things which berates their very existence. Although, it is how a person copes with these attacks on themselves that make the difference. Most people either talk to others, or buy themselves a bar of chocolate to make themselves happier. Some, like me, have the same negative thoughts going round and round in their brain, making them more and more depressed. And when you do that, it’s hard to deal with it all. Life can be as successful as anything, but a person can still struggle, because they can’t deal.

That’s where blogging comes into my life. I find it hard to speak about issues to anyone by mouth, but I can easily type away my frustrations. I think it’s the idea of an outlet which actually has no confrontation. Like, I can spill my heart out and release it out the world, without feeling like I am forcing my issues on anyone. So if someone wants to tell me something about how pathetic it is that all this 26 year old can do is whine, they can do. And I can delete their comments. I can rid the negativity.

As I finish this post, my tears begin to dry and the sun is poking out from behind the rainclouds outside. It sounds almost poetic, when I think about it. I feel like this post has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. That now I can deal. And I don’t have the guilt of burdening anyone. Its all really just another method of therapy, accept this costs me nothing.

I’ve spent a few days bed-ridden

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Been sick.

Anything I am eating right now, is just coming straight back up again. It is just how attractive I am right now. Other than stinking out my house, again, so attractive, I have been watching movies on LoveFilm. It’s a site where you can rent movies, or watch them online. So been lying in bed watching things like Napoleon Dynamite and Zoolander.

Other than that, I have been re-reading the novel I was writing for NaNoWriMo. I have decided because the story is better than what I thought it was, I am going to post it on my LiveJournal, so check out Bubble Breaker Chapter 1, and let me know what you think, and I may link it here, whenever I post a chapter.

Anyways, going back to bed, in the hope that I am well enough to go and get my mum’s birthday stuff tomorrow. :/ I feel like my insides are trying to eat themselves.