Exhausting

I am tired.

The kind of tired that weighs on your mind, constantly.

The kind of tired that doesn’t go away with a sleep.

The kind of tired that is more emotional than physical.

It’s left me utterly exhausted.

So exhausted I can feel it in my bones.

There is a constant haze.

It starts in my mind, and it can make me physically sick.

But people brush off my comments.

I just need some sleep.

Must be working to hard.

As if an answer was so easy

Constantly

I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.

Time To Relax (DD #1)

Decided to try a new thing today, inspired by viewing art on both Tumblr and Instagram. I have bought a new sketchbook, and am going to try and draw a new thing every day, and I thought it would be handy to post it here. Particularly because this is supposed to be a creative blog, so maybe it would be a good idea.

So here is my first sketch:

First Daily Draw image
First Daily Draw image

Because I have been so relaxed the last few days, I felt it would be relevant to doodle something about that. So it is supposed to be a couch, which is what I relax on every day when I finish my work, or I just want to watch some TV with the family. A couch is comfortable and always makes me think of relaxation when I see one.

Everyone needs to have times where they can relax a little, and most people need reminding to do that sometimes. And that is why we have couches in our homes. It means you can just sit in comfort, and forget your stresses, whatever they may be. If I want to chill with my family, I sit on the couch downstairs, and if I want some alone time, I sit on my bed, which ends up as the same purpose as a couch. I think it can sometimes be a little hard to realise that relaxation isn’t something that a person should just schedule into their lives. It should always have a place in daily life, that is there as a full-stop to a busy day.

I hope that everyone has a little time to put their feet up, and enjoy some comfortable peace.

Falling

Here I am
Standing alone
Degrading thoughts pounding my mind
Feeling like the worst person, for doing nothing
Looking for someone to lean on, and finding myself falling to the cold ground
No one to pick me up
No strength to do it myself
Focusing on past failures
Unable to see a future
Feeling worthless and utterly alone

I cry
My eyes become raw
My head starts to ache
My heart is broken,
There is no way out
This cloud won’t clear

________________________

Journal entry from 2008, when I was at college, when depression started to hit me hard. I was struggling for something to post today, which lead to me reading through some old journals. When I was low, I always turned to either writing or drawing to help me let out my feelings. The best thing about being able to express things in such a way, that I have the opportunity to look back at everything that I felt, however melodramatic it may seem.

Depression is hard. But it can sometimes make me feel better to see that I can get better when things get bad, that I can actually see that things can get better. It’s about finding ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.

Read Between The Lines.

This is something that doesn’t happen very often. The worlds of Vlog and Blog unite and kind of cross-reference each other. Yes, I shot a video a few days ago about people writing in ‘text speak’ and due to me just editing said video, I decided it is too important a topic for me not to mention it here.

I do talk about writing a lot, because it is something I am really passionate about, and I feel that everyone should make effort in the way that they present what they say, because it says so much about you. As I talk about this with other people, I do discover that this is just personal opinion, and most people don’t seem to care what a person thinks of them, because of their writing ‘style’. But, maybe because I spend a lot of my time writing, I do tend to look between the lines a little. Sorry for the pun.

The thing is, if you know how to write properly, and can at least attempt to spell words right, why on earth would you purposefully write badly? Is it because it is some new young thing, that I have missed out on? I think it is. It started of with text messages. Where you could only fit so many characters into a message, so people started shortening words. The easiest way to shorten words, with them still being semi-legible, is to remove vowels. Which irritated me then, and it was not a thing I did. As more and more people started to use the internet to do things, this manner of miss-spelling found its way onto other platforms. And on these other platforms, more people can see how you write in private. Well, except it isn’t really in private anymore. This is where the people pre-Facebook and people post-Facebook tend to differ. Before Social Networking took over the internet, the main sites used by people, where blog sites and forums. Now, on theses sites, a person had to be able to express themselves properly, because most were there to share opinions, and get to know people. When Social Networking came along, particularly Facebook, it changed things. People came online to talk to people they would have texted. People that they already knew. So the mentality of text messaging moved online.

I know I said that the main reason for typing in ‘text speak’ was to make messages shorter, but ease was also a big factor. Why type in 6 letters, when you can type in 3? That is laziness. This is the generation of people who have to work so much harder to get a job. How can they be expected to work well, if they can’t even muster up the energy to type up a work on their keyboard. And then, you discover that it isn’t just on computers and phones ‘text speak’ is used, and that kids are handing in school reports in this poor state.

I think kids like wasting their education and making themselves look stupid because they have no pride in education. To them, it is something they are forced to go to everyday. Although most of them will go onto some form of higher education, they won’t take pride in what they are learning, and they think of it as some kind of chore.  But in some countries, countries which are stricken with the harshest poverty we can imagine, education is a gift. Education is not everything every child gets, so those who do get it are so proud. Education to means everything to some children in Africa, who may walk for 3 hours to get to school. Just so that they can learn how to read and write, to earn money to help their family. How many UK kids would do that. Those who do have pride in their education, are often bullied by the stupid masses.

Seems harsh, but it’s true. I guess, a lot of people won’t realise what they had, until it’s gone. I know I didn’t. I probably didn’t study and work as hard as I should have. But writing is one thing that I have always enjoyed, be it writing an essay or reading a book. To me, I always felt that having good writing ability equalled intelligence. I know now, that other things make a person intelligent, but proper grammar is still considered a desirable quality. It was always said that a person’s shoes, show a lot about them. Well, I feel that the way a person writes, says a lot about them, A lot more than the words that they have written.

———

I know that I am not the perfect writer. That is not the point I am making, the point is about the lack of effort people make. And yes, I do feel that if you don’t make any effort with writing, you are dubbing yourself an idiot. It is better getting spelling and grammar wrong, but trying, rather than not trying at all.

Holy Moley?!?

Trying to cut down on swearing. *nods* For no real reason, just felt like I should be acting a little bit more respectable. I’m not a child anymore, curse words shouldn’t be all that funny anymore.

Accept I find them hilarious and fart jokes hit my funny bone spot on. So I am never going to be as mature as I pretend I want to be. To be brutally honest, I don’t particularly want to to stop acting like a child. I mean, the few things I do, which are all about living as an adult (working, paying bills, actually dealing with things) are pretty over-rated. So I am quite content living in my bubble of perpentual adolescence.

But seeing as cursing is something that I do a lot, I figured ‘it’s just a few words’ so I decided to try and stop swearing. *shrugs* Can’t be that hard right? So far I have failed miserably, and am still cursing and everything. But part of me is thinking, why should I stop swearing. They are just words after all. It’s not the actual words that are offensive, it’s the thought processes people have connected to them.

And to be honest, right now, it seems like it would a lot easier to change the thought processes of the whole world, compared to not dropping the F-bomb.

Yeah. Fudge. It’s nice, you should go get some. 😉

Picking Up Speaking Habits

So where do you get the small characteristics in your speech from?

Don’t be confused, I don’t actually mean behaviour traits. Because they tend to take years and years to develop. I am talking about little words and phrases you pick up from people you talk to  or from people you watch .

What made me think of this? Well,  I have been watching Nat’s Community Channel videos on You Tube, and I have noticed she says ‘bro’ a lot. I then noticed me using it in conversation. And, I’m no Australian funny girl, so when I said it, I was met with that kind of uncomfortable silence where you start looking for the tumble weed.*sigh*

So some words don’t exactly suit every person, nor every situation. But hey, if you try out a ‘new word’ don’t be disappointed if you get a few laughs because of it, because there is usually at least one reason people in Scotland shouldn’t say ‘Bro’, especially when talking to a girl. :S But it is always interesting, because sometimes words to catch on. For instance ‘awesomesauce’, I heard from Canadian youtuber WaffleJon. And, it has been used by other youtubers, and now is used widely by people all over the place. And awesomesauce never gets so much as a chortle. Probably because it is AWESOME!!

So yeah, I am guilty of stealing words and phrases from other people. *nods* And I’m pretty sure it comes from something in childhood, where all kids would play the same game to fit in. So if someone you fancied at school said something cool, you would start saying the phrase, in a bit to fool yourself into thinking that you were close to said crush.

What? That was just me? Dunno what you’re talking about, because I have never done that. *cough*

I guess it is just how people are, they do pick up little things form those around them. And because speech is the most common way of communicating, it’s no surprise we adapt what we say. Pretty cool, when you think about it.

Want to know if anyone reading this, has any words they seem to have started saying as a direct influence from someone else. So let me know, bro.

Na, that is never gonna seem cool no matter how many times I say it.

My Dream

I like to think I have the motivation to do this.

But what if I don’t?

What if I fail at this worse than anything else I have ever done?

You can work hard at life and get nothing.

It happens to people everyday.

I tell myself that it is achievable.

But wasn’t I always told, not to lie.

If it all goes wrong, and ends right now.

I won’t be here, to see it burn to the ground.

Cause seeing the ashes of what could have been.

Might just be the end of me.