What day is it?

I don’t really know. I always find it hard to keep track of the days over the festive period. Which can be a bit of a nightmare when you are working during that time.

Like, last week and this week I have only worked 2 days, instead of my usual 4, and that alone is enough to throw me off. It isn’t helped by the fact that a lot of the days are named, like tomorrow goes from being Thursday to being called New Year’s Eve, and Friday is New Year’s Day. And, I just get a bit lost in it all.

The truth is, that as the years seem to past faster as we get older, this mish-mash of the days just seems to add to that feeling. I guess the only reason years seem to go faster, is that each year we live, becomes less significant. I don’t mean that in a bad way. But if you are 16, each year is 1/16 of your life, which is more significant (percentage wise) than a 40 year old, where each year is 1/40 of someone’s life. Maybe, that’s why it feels like each year gets shorter, because we live more and more of them. 

I am aware that probably won’t make sense to anyone reading. But, after some pondering, it kind of made sense to me. 

Keep on swimming…

It’s that time of January where people start to struggle with their New Years resolutions. Where things start to fall apart, and people revert back to old ways. Which seems easy. Change is hard, and sometimes we get to a stage where we just want to give up. The change we want isn’t worth the difficulty.

I’m still going on most of the things I set out to do. Yes, I have had a few hiccups, but i keep going. Sometimes I ‘write off a day’, and just close the door on it. As someone who deals with anxiety, I find this a good way of dealing with any time I fail to hit my goals. Shut yesterday off, and focus on today. Make today better.

It has helped me when I have had bad spirals of depression, where I struggle to move for days. I struggle through, and when I do feel better, I mentally shut off the bad days. It maybe doesn’t sound too healthy, but it helps me function. Helps me keep a full time job as well as trying to make my life better. And making my life better is all I ever want.

Main message is if you have a bad day, keep on going. Tomorrow never comes, so make today count. Make today better.

Happy New Year


So another new year is upon us, an annual point for people to reflect on their lives and think of ways to make this next 12 months better than the last. A year is a significant period of time, and it is a unit of time, where a person can evaluate how they have done. And anything they didn’t do, they may want to create ‘resolutions’, to help them achieve what they want over the course of the next 12 months.

Of course, everyone should live their lives making today better than yesterday. Change can happen at any day, not just at New Year. Most people make resolutions fail, so a lot see it as a waste of time. I feel like people could fail if they don’t really ‘believe’ in what they are doing. When I was at school there was a bit of a pressure to invent a goal, to try and achieve something in the year. But if you didn’t really want to do what you said, there was no real push to do it. And I believe that this thing of ‘making resolutions’ that you don’t really want to, means people do fail. Some people see this year after year, and then call out resolutions as a waste of time. Which I guess could be true for some people.

Personally, other than writing a resolution when I was at Primary School, I have never been a fan of the whole ‘new year, new me’ stuff. It just seemed like a waste of time. But this year I am thinking slightly differently. 2014 was a bad mental health year for me. I struggled really badly with anxiety, and I reacted by shutting myself away from people. I refused to go on nights out because I didn’t want to be that person who drags a whole night down. So I didn’t bother going out. And then I hated myself for being so weak. It doesn’t sound like much, but I spent the best part of the year not liking myself. So, I am very relieved to shut the door on 2014, and look to make 2015 a bit better. And I have made some aims that I’d like to try for the year.

I’d like to work out a writing/vlogging/drawing routine and stick to them. I need to work on letting my frustrations out, so that they don’t wear me down, and i do that best by creating something. Food. I need a better relationship with food, and I need to stick to vegetarianism better. I don’t like the idea of something dying for me to eat it, but I like the taste. So I hope to find new tastes, that maybe fit my morals, and still taste good. I also would like to be more organised. I am very much a ‘throw everything on the floor’ kind of girl, and that means I lose everything. I can’t live with a messy kitchen, but my room can easily look like a bombs gone off. Learn how to love ‘me’. I am my own worst enemy and it needs to stop.

But that’s it. Just a few things that I feel would help me function better as the person I want to be. I have always had this idea of what I should be like, and I end up being down on myself on not being this hypothetical person. Which no one should be like towards themselves. But hey, enough with the negativity. Let’s lock that away with last year, and look ahead to a happier 2015.

I hope all my readers have an amazing 2015. And I wish you all the luck in the world for anything that you want to achieve.

It’s hard to believe that’s another year behind us. I feel like the last few years have gone too fast, and I barely have had the chance to catch my breath. Saying that, I am glad 2013 is over with, because it was a bad year. Well, not awful, but I really struggled through the year, and actually experienced some of my lowest periods than I have for a long time.

But, I got through it, and managed through the year, as hard as it appeared sometimes. And the cliched thing to do at this time of the year is to close that chapter of one’s life, and plan for the year ahead. I am not normally the type of person to do that, but it feels very theraputic for me not to focus on what happened in 2013. Because, if I’m honest, I know that I will focus on the bad stuff that happened. So, looking ahead to all the changes I could make, and how it can positively change my life. So, I have made a few aims, to change things for my life.

1) Eat healthier. I am not talking about diets, and quick fixes. I want to change my attitude on food, not just lose weight. I need to cut down on the sugary drinks and fatty snacks. I have read for years that bad fats and too much sugar can make you lethargic. In my job, I need as much energy as possible, because I am on my feet all day, and I simply can’t eat when I feel like it. So, I need to make sure I am eating the right foods, so that I am not bloated either. My plan initially is to cut down on the sugary drinks, and see what happens. One step at a time.

2)Be a better friend. I feel that I have been stuck in my own head for most of last year. And as a result, I haven’t been very good at returning messages or meeting up with friends. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my friends, so I feel like I owe them a lot. As such, I feel super guilty that I haven’t been there for people as much as I should have been. I have always had this guilt that was created because I felt guilty about ‘forcing’ myself on people, particularly because folk have their own issues. I want to push my own conclusions out of my head. All I can do is check in with folk and try to meet up with people. If people don’t get back, or decline an invitation, it’s their choice, it has not indication on what kind of person I am.

3)Get out and enjoy more live music. 2013 was a rather uninspiring year for gigs. I have been to see bands locally, but that’s about it. I have made the excuse of having no money, and never ventured out of the house. Live music is one of the great passions of my life, and I am guilty of not seeing as much as I want. This year, I am going to go out and see bands, weekly hopefully. Even if it means I am drinking water, so that I can pay a few quid for entry to see a few bands play in Edinburgh. The joy of seeing live music is worth it. If I plan gigs and events to go to, it makes it easier to deal with the bad days, because I’ll have something to look forward to.

So that is it. They are just three wee things, made up of regrets from the last year. I think that if you want to change, you should focus on the things that you are most disappointed with yourself about. Mostly, because negativity can be used to drive you so far. Regardless how it ends up, I aim to make the best out of what ever happens this year. And I hope that all my readers have a fantastic 2014.

Looking Back on 2013

Another year is over. And I sit here in my bed, all sick with the cold, as ponder on the last year. It has been a bit of a personal rollercoaster, which sounds horrifically cliched. But I feel as I get older, every year has more of a mixture of fortune. Good or bad, all that matters is that we learn from what happens.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is not to become weighed down by something that I hate. I had been in my old job for 6 and a half years, and I was becoming bored of it. I was struggling to do my job, as I took the customer’s comments about the company very personal. Their disappointment and anger stayed in my mind, and bothered me when I tried to sleep. It didn’t used to bother me, but that plus the stress of missing my targets made me get so depressed. I would cry on the way to work, I’d suffer sleepless nights when I had work the next day. When I got fired, I felt the initial panic of losing my income. But as soon as I left the building, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I didn’t know how much that job was wearing me down, until I left. I promised myself that I would NEVER let a job make me feel like that again.

I was then unemployed for 6 months, which changed my opinion on a lot of things. I sent out over 50 applications a week, and was lucky to get any replies. In fact, after 6 months, I’d only been invited to a handful of interviews. Unemployment wasn’t something I had experienced before, and as such I feel like I sneered at people for not finding a job. But, as you get older, it becomes apparent that it also becomes harder to get a job. Businesses want employs which are not going to cost them a lot of money, so people in their late 20s may not be as attractive a prospect as a teenager is. Which isn’t something that is legal, but I can’t help but think that is a factor when deciding who to interview or offer a job too. The people at the ‘dole’ are also not too helpful. I would say that is because they must hear some awful excuses for not looking for work. But most of my visits to the ‘dole’ was to sign a piece of paper, no real help offered and turfed out. It was a waste of time. The job that I did eventually get, I got by phoning an agency directly, not through the job center.

One of my biggest regrets of the year is how badly I have let my creativity fall. I have struggled to write, and haven’t drawn anything much. I had a few blips, where I have drawn for a few days, but then I have fallen behind and never got back into it. I had no motivation what so ever.

I think that 2013 has been a rather disjointed year for me, with me feeling a bit lost. I kind of didn’t know who I was anymore, as I struggled with my personal life and mental health. As bad as it sounds, I am glad the year is over.



You Get What You Pay For

Whether it is reading Facebook updates or talking to people face to face, there seems to be a lot of people complaining about the situation that they find themselves in. As if pointing the finger to something else, makes it easier to deal with where they are now, and that they don’t find it satisfactory. Is pitting on the blame on someone else, really making a difference?

I’d say no. It is like avoiding the thing altogether. Pushing the blame of your current life may make you feel better about the situation, but it makes no difference to the actual place you find yourself. To change things, you can’t hedge your bets that someone will pluck you from your mundane workplace and make your dreams a reality. Because, be honest, that will never happen. Only one person can make your dreams come true, and it’s you.

So I’d advise on taking accountability on where you are, and start dealing with things. If you are not happy about your job, for example, find out why your not happy and change it. Don’t expect everyone around you to know you are unhappy, if you are not willing to voice it. People are not always as intuitive as we would like, so give them a hand.

If it is your workplace itself that is the problem, then search for something else. Or even find something that makes you happy, outside work. Sometimes we can be over stressed at work and it purely is because our only focus is on work. Whilst that is needed sometimes, when your life revolves around work, and work isn’t satisfying, it can be pretty damn depressing. So give yourself something to smile about, whether it’s getting a new hobby, or giving yourself ‘me’ time, it will help you feel better about yourself.

If you don’t make an effort to make your life better, it won’t be. You could end up stuck, and pointing blame elsewhere isn’t going to fix it. Be your own hero. Live for today, and make it your best.

It’s 2012

The end of the world is this year. So make it the best year you ever had.

In fact, if you think along that logic, of making the best of 2012, just because it may be the end of the world. The truth is, your world could end at any time. You may not wake up tomorrow, you could be hit by a car on the way to work.

Sounds morbid, but you REALLY never know how long you have left on this planet. So, you should go out and make the best of every minute you are alive. I think that people should push themselves to the max every day. Noone wants to be that person who dies sad, or reflects on their life upset at what they could have done.

It is normal at New Year to re-evaluate where you are, and what you have achieved in the last 12 months. This, more-often-than-not, leads to a depressive sigh of disappointment, as we wreck our minds to find ways we could make the next year more of a failure. But, there is no really want to  change, most of the time, it is like we create a list of tasks, just because we feel guilty because our lack of achievements. The whole concept of breaking resolutions is a bit of a cliché. Why make a resolution, if you know you are not wanting to achieve your target? Don’t say you want to lose weight, if you don’t want to.

The main reason that people fail, is because they  have no real want to achieve this task in hand. And if you force yourself to pick up something new, then it is more likely to make you quit, rather than start loving it. Don’t be hard on yourself, only make a change you have passion to keep to. Change is hard, but if you want it, you can do it. Doing something because you feel that it is something you need to do, not because you want to, is lining yourself up for failure.

So I wish you all a happy start to 2012, and hope that you do things that you want. If you are happy and feel content, it will spread to other people who. Joy is contagious, so make 2012 the most joyful yet, and live every day like it’s your last.

So, that’s another year gone.

I swear each year goes by faster and faster.
I did something unthinkable and stuck to a resolution this year. I managed to get into blogging again. And have become totally addicted to it. Its like I have this almighty yearning to go to a computer and type up some bullshit. I don’t think people appreciate how much blogging can help you get things off your chest. I mean would people prefer that they get even more bullshit from me, than what they all ready do?

This year has had a lot of low points, with having a few people I’m close to die, and also a suicide attempt a few months ago. I have struggled this year both financially and mentally. Without having a release or any of my friends to rely on, I really doubt I could have made it without any of them. So thank you. Thats the people I have befriended through this site, the GC fam, work pals, College pals, rosyth Peoples, cowdenbeath/kelty peoples and basically anyone who has offered me something to lean on this past year. I love you all.

There has been some good things this year, like seeing Nofx for the first time in 8 years, having banter with many bands including Dogsflesh, Outl4w and 4PM. Just going to gigs generally makes me happy. I am planning on some more gigs this year, seeing as I missed out on some in 09. Mostly because its been the year, when I’ve never had money. Which is fail, its like I work to get by, and thats it.

Hope everyone has a grand Hogmanay, whatever you’re doing. See ya in 2010.