Tag: life

Invisable Path

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every so often, I, like most, find myself pondering my future once in a while. As someone whose current state of existence probably sees her dubbed as a ‘basement dweller’, despite having no basement, I feel a bit depressed when I start thinking about the future.

I think it is because all these ideas I used to have about my life, have failed to materialise into anything substantial. I mean, yes I can paint a picture and edit it on a computer, but NEWS FLASH, unless you have the best qualifications and/or know someone, then you are kinda restricted in that field, Restricted in that people seem to refuse to pay for work, and expect everything for free. Which is ignorant. Do people think I went through the effort of an education, just to give them freebies?

I guess the main reason I am evaluating my life right now, is because it seems a natural contemplation point, seeing as it almost a year since I left college, and not very much has changed. Okay, some things have changed. For instance, mentally I am in a 100% better place than I was 12 months ago. I just feel a lot more free than what I used to, like I am not so restricted anymore. Does that make sense? I feel like I am in a better place, mentally, to cope with problems. Well, I can cope a little better than what I used to. I will still crack up, because apparently cracking up over stupid things is what I do.

I guess I am at a stage where I want to run off into the fields and frolic around like a happy person, but I can’t really see what is in the field, and that holds me back. Worst imagery ever? Probably. I guess it’s like I have one foot ready to go on new adventures, where the other foot is content being where it is. Wow, even worse imagery.

I don’t even know what point I am trying to make. I guess, it’s that I am at the stage where I am looking for something else, something new, and everything that is ahead seems really different. And that little shy kid I used to be, comes to the forefront and decides that it is safer staying put. And I end up feeling confused, and I stress my self out stupidly. I know A LOT of people who are finishing school and they are expressing the distress and confusion I am currently feeling. But, I feel I should let them know, as long as you follow your heart, and do something you want to, you won’t regret what you chose to do. People will call me a waste for being where I am at the age of 27, but I feel accomplished that I have tried so hard at everything I wanted to do. It didn’t all pan out, but I have no regrets about it.

‘Born And Raised By Hyporcrits’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember being an eager student in Primary School and being told that I could be and do whatever I wanted. Of course the endless ‘rules’ of the classroom and having to blindly obey a teacher without reasoning, left me feeling a bit lost. It was like, ‘yes, do what you want, but not in the school’s time’. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t the brightest person in my class, but I certainly wasn’t the most stupid. I always did a lot of reading in my own time, I liked to try and push myself, so the idea that school wanted us to ‘try, but not too hard’ was a bit much for me. And in the end, the mixed signals left me jaded, and that by the time I finished school, I didn’t care too much about the whole thing.

Whilst I like to think that in adulthood, things have changed, and people can be more open and honest with each other, I know this doesn’t happen. The big thing is I notice that those around me seem willing to compromise on things so important as ethics. Ethics and beliefs are what make us, us. And yet people are willing throw such things aside, especially if it means it would mean using a little effort. The big thing is buying products, I’m pretty sure that everyone would love to make sure that they people who make it possible to enjoy said products, were paid fairly. But this doesn’t happen, unless you buy specialist products. People tend to believe in the idea of people getting more money for producing things like clothing, but they won’t pay any more so will still shop in cheaper shops like Primark. It means they are being contradictory, saying one thing, but doing the opposite.

I mean going back to my youth, you were told to live by your convictions, but noone followed up on them. Even religion, I went and enjoyed church and Sunday school as a kid. I loved books, and a lot of the things we did, was reading or even better arts and crafts. I thought it was awesome. Now although my family will cite Church of Scotland as their religion, none of them could tell you anything they learned from the bible or the last time they went to church. I, now as an adult tend to abstain from religion, as I don’t like the idea of following something blindly. I have read up on other religions, and do like seeing the lessons they have to teach, but I don’t pray nor ask anyone for forgiveness. But then, the hypocrisy is that I will still celebrate Christmas. And I know a lot of people, who are very similar to me in that respect.

I guess it’s all a bit of a minefield. It’s hard to deal with ethics and morality, if you have been given mixed signals all your life.

Posi-Day 5: It’s Monday, Not Moanday

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So still going strong. I am feeling a bit low today, but I am focusing on topics that make me happy. I am aware that over the next month or so, as I do this project thing, I know there is maybe a lack of substance of my input. This isn’t something I feel I should have to apologise for, as this is something important to me and my development.

The main reason I decided to do this, is because I have recently been talking about how a person can’t complain about their situation, if they don’t try anything to try and fix it. So, in keeping with that thought, I decided to try and kick my negative attitude to the curb. Depression is something that I have struggled with for most of my adult life, albeit in varying levels. I started thinking that part of the issue was that my brain was trained to think bad of life. I mean everywhere you go, someone is moaning about something, and that has to have an effect on you.

So the PMA thing is really about retraining yourself, in how you think. It is harder than what you may think. It’s like, if you are faced with a negative situation, you have to try and look at a positive about that situation. I’ll be honest, it isn’t something that comes easy to me, as over the years I find that I have become a cynic about everything. So, I am really having to work hard on this.

I really do think, that even after just 5 days, I am getting a little bit more optimistic. I am finding it easier to get up and do things, rather than lying in bed thinking ‘what’s the point’. And that is a huge improvement for me. I know I am gonna have days where I may find it impossible to be positive, but I just need to keep faith, that it will pick up again, and keep my head up.

Posi-Day 1–Caffine Overload

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So.
New thing, inspired by the wonderful people I spend my life talking to, and to my work who is ‘pushing the positive’ at the moment. I am giving it a solid attempt to wipe the negativity out of my life. I am aware it may sound a little lame, but it is proven that if you look on the positive side of life, then you will find more positive things will happen to you.

So, I am trying to see if that works.
Now, right now, due to a severe lack of sleep and too much coffee, it is very easy to be positive. In fact, I am bouncing of the walls with hyperness. Whilst I know I am not the best at achieving things, I am trying to set myself small tasks, which will ultimately lead up to a bigger goal. So that will also see more positives, as I am more likely to achieve these small tasks, and that makes me happier.

And also, I am trying to focus on what is in front of me, and not what I know is happening elsewhere. Whilst I know this seems selfish, but I have always spent way too much of my time worrying about things I can do nothing about. So by worrying about things I can change, I am hoping that I will be moved to change things.

An example about small change, is my weight. I usually get depressed, because I have always had the physique of a sack of potatoes. But, what I am trying to do, is rather than focus on that, do little things, such as walking to work everyday, and focus on how good that makes me feel, rather the fact that I can’t drop a few pounds. The hope is, that if I can get myself feeling positive about exercise, I will actually have an urge to go out for a run or something. Again, it’s going to take time to see if that works.

Anarchy Camp!

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

What is anarchy?

Would an anarchist society work?

Anarchy is really living a life without rules. It’s about not answering to anyone, other than yourself. So if you lived in an anarchist society, you would be forced to be self-sufficent. You wouldn’t be able to scrounge of the government, because there wouldn’t be one. If you wanted something, you’d have to go out an get it.

This, as an idealism, sounds really positive, something that would encourage people to take responsibility for themselves, and not blame their worthless existance on those around them. But it would also mean no order. So whilst you will have people who would go and work for what they want, you would also have people who will not work, and just steal what others have worked for. This would then lead the ‘victim’ to look to punish the person who profited from their hard work. And this…is order. Something that true anarchism is against.

So it’s hard to see how an anarchist society would work, as people automatically will try and establish some kind of order to the chaos, therefore taking away from the level of chaos. It is something that makes people feel safe. It’s similar to the whole ‘knowledge is power’ mantra. If you know how a particular person (or group of people) is supposed to act, then it is settling, makes a person feel better. It’s like we are built in a way, that if we are aware of what is going on in the world, we will live happier in our own lives.

So whilst anarchism comes across as a nice idea, we will get to a point where we will crave the routine and the structure organised society brings. It would turn into a case of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’. Again, something which is in our nature. As people, we are constantly looking for something that works best for us, and like to think that if things did change, what would we get out of it. Everything we do, it comes down to how it would effect our lives, because that is all we know. Our own lives.

Now, I have been a part of the Scottish punk rock scene for the last 4/5 years of my life. Whilst it is centred around music, there are always going to be the fact that much of the roots of punk are based in the idea of anarchy. The degree in which people employ anarchy and punk in their lives varies, with some people spending their lives unemployed because they don’t want to conform. Others, like me, work a steady job, but try to live their life the way they want to, and fight for what they believe in. What ever part of the punk spectrum people fall into, there is no way around the fact even being unemployed is filling out a role in society.

Is the whole ‘I am unemployed because I’m an anarchist’ idea as flawed as I think it is? Most people who are unemployed get money from some kind of benefits, provided by the state. The state, get the money for these benefits from those who work and pay taxes. You form part of a system, something that anarchists are against. So unless you live off no money, don’t purchase anything at all (especially not those new Dr Martins you have there) and contribute sweet F.A. to the world around you, then NO! You are not a true anarchist.

Me, you, your neighbour? We are all part of something bigger than us, somthing that goes beyond modern society, back to our traits as pack animals. You can’t just opt out of that, because as a human, you need people around you. Contributing something, no matter how unimportant, will always make you feel distinguished because it is part of our psychology.

I have barely touched anything on this topic, and I really could go on more. I will possibly post more, but the whole ‘anarchy’ thing has been running through my head all day.

Selective Personality

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So I am sitting in front of the TV tonight, and watching You’ve Got Mail. An overly cheesey ‘chick-flick’ starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Where two people fall in love as they email each other, but they are natural enemies in real life, and hate each other.

It started me thinking about whether people show themselves honestly online. I mean, people have the ability to create this online persona of perfection, why include your flaws in that. Through a site, you can pretend you are they person that you wish you could be. You can filter out all the undesirable rubbish, and make your more favourable traits, be major features of your personality.

But then, is it our immediate surroundings that make use behave in a certain way? Is it only when we are confronted with people and situations, our personalities change into something completely different?

When we are alone, typing responses into a computer, we have time to organise our thoughts. We can respond to questions, without panicking and our brains rushing out some idle, idiotic response. We can spell check, and re-read responses, and carefully tweak them, to get the desired effect.

When actually involved in a conversation with someone, we don’t have the luxury to think of a perfect response, the thought process and the words come out quickly. And, although you may say something accidental, it really does show who a person is more. And you see a person for who they are, online there is always the chance of someone holding themselves back.

So where is a person most honest to themselves, online or IRL? Does it matter? As long as you truthful to yourself and your views, it shouldn’t matter where you encounter people.

Foreign Interests

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

How many times have you cursed the Anime and Manga fans who clog up book shops, or rolled your eyes at people pretending to be Japanese?

As annoying it is, to see people looking at different cultures and favour them over there own, looking at different cuture to your own is intriguing. And as the Western world becomes more Americanised, you have to look further afield to look at a completely different culture. After America, the other country whose culture is a huge influence, especially to the younger generations, is Japan.

Japan seems like a different world, when compared to the UK. Of course, not even Japan is immune from Americanisation, what with KFC becoming THE Christmas meal in Japan and McDonald’s appearing in every major town. There are still enough differences, to make studying the culture interesting. The big interest in everything Japanese is thought to have started in the late 80s/early 90s, when Japanese companies Nintendo and Sega took the forefront of computer game technology, and each sold millions of consoles around the world. After people got a taste of the cute characters, people started to purchase into Anime and manga, so much so, that almost every book shop in the UK now stores a Manga section bigger than that of the more traditional superhero comics. Then thanks to the popularity of Pokemon, Hello Kitty and singers like Qwen Steffani mimicking Japanese style, more and more people have confessed to being ‘Japanophiles’.

Whilst, you may get the idea that I don’t like Japan, this is not the case. I still play Pokemon on a regular basis, and I have read my fair share of manga. And although they have a harder working schedule than us in the UK, they also seem to enjoy their life a lot more. So, it has been suggested, that people see this positive outlook and try to mimic what they see to try and improve their quality of life. There is truth in that, if you pick up a new hobby that you enjoy, it will improve your quality of life, because of the simple fact that it makes you happier. And, it doesn’t matter who you are, if something makes someone happy, and it’s not harming anyone else, they should be able to do whatever it is.

As a person who will admit that she likes looking at the differences between here and Japan, I am going to recommend Tofugu for people to have a look at. It is a blog which looks at various parts of Japanese Culture, and may answer some of the questions you may have in your head.

Sayonara!

Planning Plans

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So operation make things work this year is happening.

And that doesn’t just about me finally getting my hotel for Glasgow booked. *bounces*. Good Charlotte on Valentine’s Day.  *jumpy jump*

++Benji Madden, Good Charlotte May 2007, photo credit—Moi++

Anyways, also been looking at flats (appartments) with Paul, because we both have decided that we need to get out of our parents houses. Although I don’t have money right now, the plan is to get more hours or a second job, so that I can afford to move out. The good thing is that i could then afford to go to the pub without having to pay money on a taxi getting home.

I know this has nothing of major interest to anybody, but it does geniunely feel like this year is going to be a good year. And, that makes me so excited. *Squee*

Put Out The Positive

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There is an old saying (dunno where from), I read somewhere, which said that you get out of life, what you put in. It’s basically taking ownership for your own life, and making things happen. If things go wrong, it’s because of what you have done something wrong yourself.

I suppose it’s similar to the idea of Karma, where your actions come back to you. So if you are nice to someone, someone will be nice to you.

It is something psychological, where if you think negatively about things that happen, then you focus on the negative things. So if you are in a happier state of mind, your outlook on life would be happier

Well in theory, that should work. So, gonna try a little bit of positivity, and see if life picks up a bit. Hopefully it does.

Beh

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I swear I just make issues for myself sometimes.

I seem to be doing ok, and then I just mess up, and it’s noone’s fault bar my own. (Although it would be rather nice to have someone I could point the finger of blame at.) I need to get my head together and start working on getting myself out of this shit-pit known as my life.

*sigh*

The thing is, as good as all that sounds, I am a rather lazy sod reccently, so could really do without the hassle. I mean, I am just in this procrastinating, self-loathing state of mind. I am at the point, where I just feel like saying ‘what’s the point, it never gets anywhere’.

The issue is (and this is gonna get emo here)that I don’t feel I have ever excelled at anything. I am just a waster. It’s like, there is a sense of me getting somewhere, but I just fuck it all up, and end up abandonning everything. It’s a life-long habit. I did it at school, at college, and now at work.

I mean I am getting the chance to live my dreams, if I work hard enough. But I seem to think that if I stop caring about something, then it won’t matter when it all fails. Because, to be honest, I am a failure at everything I have ever tried.

*sigh*