2019, Life

I Had A Dream

What did you want to be when you grew up?

One of the things I wanted was to play football. I remember when I was younger, going to play football with the ‘bigger boys’ in the field next to my house. I was always the only girl, but it was fun. At Primary School, I could play football and train with the boys, and it was all fine. However, from around 12ish, I wasn’t allowed to play in a team with boys anymore. I had to play on a girls team. This was awful news, not enough girls in my school wanted to play football, and all the youth clubs focused on boys. It was like hitting a brick wall.

I found other hobbies, but I ended up backing away from football and rugby, both sports I had played in my younger childhood. I wasn’t ‘one of the boys’ enough, nor did i have the confidence, to push myself to make myself a place with the boys. I didn’t really feel like I could go out of my comfort zone, and look for a girls team, as none of the youth clubs nearby, had anything. So, other than the odd kick about with my brother, I didn’t really play anymore. But I still had a reoccurring dream of playing for Scotland with Ally McCoist (so much wrong with that).

I didn’t stop supporting football, the opposite. My main team became Dunfermline Athletic, and I also followed Blackpool and Aberdeen. I watched Scotland international games, and in fact still go to at least one away game a year. Football is definately my favourite sport. But it still hurts that I kind of stopped playing, in fact, I remember crying in my bed after school, cause I wanted to play with the boys and play in tournaments.

Mixed playing happens still, in Scotland girls can play with boys, till they hit 15 years old. This means that girls can play with the boys, should there not be a girls team available for them. And there are girls teams now at every youth football club in my local area. This is great, and means less girls give up playing a sport that they love. In some countries in Europe, there is no age limit, or there are mixed teams up to under-21 level. This is great. None of that stuff was in place when I became a teenager in the 90s. I remember me and my friend tried to start a girls football team at High School. A PE teacher supported us, and we scheduled training for after school on a Monday. And then 7 people showed up. It was disheartening, because the school was going to help us get games and stuff. But netball and hockey were more popular with girls, so we were quickly cancelled and forgotten about.

I grew up understanding that I could be a fan, and that’s it. Reccently I have been watching the Woman’s World Cup, held in France. It has been a great celebration of the ladies game. It felt huge because Scotland qualified for the tournament, which was amazing. It’s the biggest stage the woman’s game has had here in Scotland, it was advertised everywhere. Every game was on TV, and I saw these women play the game and live the dream that I had as a wee girl. It was amazing.

The tournament has now finished (USA won), and I hope that football organisations all over the world realise that the girls game needs investment. It’s come a long way since I was little, but it’s moving in the right direction.

2019

Hello 2019.

The start of a new year, already? It’s pretty scary how time just seems to fly by, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It’s important to make the best of whatever time you have, and that includes relaxing.

This year, I have a few things I want to sort out.

1) Finances- I pretty much live payday to payday, which is pretty sad. It’s no way to live life, as you can feel permanently broke. So I am planning on setting up my bill payment account, and I won’t be able to touch the money that goes into there. It’s going to need a bit of discipline, but I am aiming to spend a lot wiser next year, and hopefully save some money.

2) Be Healthier- I am very unhealthy. I do a lot of walking, but I eat so much crap. This year is about progress, so I want try and move a little forward with my health. It includes eating better, and doing more exercise, as well as looking after my mental health. My mental health was awful last year, and it was like a brick wall that stopped me from doing so much. I want my health to stop being such a burden on my own life. So more ‘body positive’ and self-care in the year ahead.

3) Read More- this sounds a pretty weak one, but it’s important. I have always read, but last year I really struggled. Reading is something I need to have focus for, and I haven’t had the focus. So I am going to try and put time aside to relax and read to unwind.

It’s not a lot. But they are things I would like to achieve. The start of a new year always feels like a fresh start, but it’s not really. It does feel like a good opportunity to push myself to be better, but every day should be like that. But, it psychologically feels to close off a year, especially if it feels like a bad one.

Let’s see what 2019 has in store.

2018, Uncategorized

Ramblings and Resolutions.

2018 has got off to a bumpy start. Nothing I am really prepared to go on about in a public manner, but enough that I wish there was a ‘reboot’ button, much like what used to be on my old Sega, so that I could restart this 2018 level again.But, life isn’t like that.

After some thinking, the best way to even out a crappy start, is to plan for succeeding the rest of the year. So, I made the very unusual (for me) plan of creating a list of resolutions I would like to do for 2018. I have a small notebook, that I am using like a ‘creative journal’, which is more like a scrapbook, and it allows me to focus on what I want, and set up easy goals. This is not really the way I have worked towards things before, so I hope it works.

My Resolutions

  1. Lose Weight- I want to get healthier, and over the last few years I have struggled, mostly because I had been struggling with mental health as well. So, now I feel like I like myself more, so I want to make the effort, to get healthy. I have joined weight watchers, and am excited to start this journey.
  2. Read 50 books- I had this aim last year, but only read 8 books, which is okay, but nowhere near what I had hoped. I love reading, but I sometimes struggle to concentrate. So I have normal books, my kindle and audiobooks, and hope they will all help.
  3. Write more- 2017 was a pretty disasterous year for me, writing wise. Like above, with the books, I struggled to focus on things, and just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. I’d like to plan better, and hopefully find more things to write about.
  4. Make more videos- I made 1 video last year, which is really bad. I have spent the best part of the last 5 years as an observer on YouTube, with the odd upload now and then. I enjoy watching videos of general vlogs, where people talk about what is important to them, so that’s what I want to do more of. Just document things a bit more.
  5. Have more baths- I love a bath, especially after a long day at work. There is nothing better than sitting in a hot bubble bath, with a book or Netflix playing on a tablet. It’s like for a small while, you can shut the world out.
  6. Discover New Music- This one is more general. I love music, but over the last few years, I have found myself listening to the same music all the time. And I miss the buzz of listening to a new band.
  7. Get a new car- I did get a car last year, but I was in an accident and it was scrapped. Having a car is so convienient, and I really miss it. It is such a pain getting the bus, when I did get used to driving myself about. I’d like a small car. I was going to get a newer car on finance, but I really don’t want any more debt right now.
  8. Sort out finances- I am really bad at burying my head under the sand. I push bills back and back, and then I get stuck, and it becomes so hard. I want to get a plan, and then work through the plan in small steps. And hopefully, my credit score will be better by the end of the year.
  9. Tidy up (keep tidy)- I am very lazy. And that combined with long shifts, makes a mess very easily. The most annoying part is, that I love when things are tidy and organised, I just have a problem with being tidy and organised.
  10. De-clutter life- I am a bit of a hoarder, and don’t like throwing things away. Books, shoes, bags, DVDs, CDs… I have too much. So, again, doing things gradually might help. Going to take things to the charity shop, as even if it gets sold cheap, its better than it sitting unused in my closet.
  11. Have more fun- I do worry too much. So I want to try and ‘let go’ a little bit more. I spend a lot of time alone, and often, that means that I have to go places on my own. And my anxiety can cause issues with that. Obviously, I am not expecting miracles, but hopefully I can relax a little bit and enjoy life.

 

2018

Happy 2018

The annual ‘first post of the year’ is here. Already. I like to reflect on things and plan ahead, the start of a new calendar year seems like the perfect time to do that.

2017, wasn’t as bad a year as some other recent years have been. It’s the first year, where I feel like I started taking my mental and physical health more seriously. I spent time in the gym, which helped a lot. And I also learnt to step back when things become hard, not to force myself into goals which are stressing me out more than they should. This is something that happens A LOT, thanks to the fact I overthink things. And I think that has helped me so much. It means that despite crashing my first car, not progressing anywhere (eg career or otherwise) and losing contact with old friends, I still ended 2017 optimistically. Which is a nice change.

Looking forward, i think I may stick to the same tactic as before. Where I didn’t keep actual resolutions, just general broad goals. I would like to do better at losing weight, keep on track with uni work, do overtime, get a new car, get a place of my own… the list can go on a bit. So I am prioritising things, and the main ones are focusing on my health and doing the work I need to do for uni. Everything else, I would like to happen, but I won’t feel to down if it doesn’t. Things happen in baby steps after all.

My 2017 was better than 2016, so all I want is for 2018 to be better again. And that’s all I wish for anybody out there. Happy new year.

Uncategorized

Back To Normal

This is the day where everything has officially returned to normal. The Christmas decorations are all away, which leaves everything looking less… well, happy. Everywhere looks so alive with all the lights and tinsel, now it all just looks empty.

What do you do to fill that ’emptiness’?

Well, because I was pretty disappointed with what I achieved (or didn’t achieve) last year, I felt I’d take a new approach. Try to make my life busy, and towards some end goals. Goals that include learning to drive, being more creative and eating healthier. Which sounds pretty standard right. But, I am trying to get away from thinking of them as resolutions. Going to do wee things every day, or try to. Hopefully, if I forget one or even all my goals one day, I can focus on the next day. Do my best.

It’s going to get harder as I go back to work later this week. And that makes me lazy. My job has me on my feet all day, and because I am so tired afterwards, it is so easy to do nothing. And that’s the wee bit I need to change. Make sure that I keep active when I come home. That I do something, no matter what it is. Something other than simply vegging in front of the TV.

Let’s make 2016 the best year yet.

Uncategorized

Keeping on track (BEDA)

Whoops! Someone forgot to post yesterday. I was actually socialising for a change, and forgot to post. I only actually thought about it this morning, when I checked my blog on my phone and realised I didn’t update. This would be an easy place to give up on the challenge, but I thought I’d carry on regardless. It wouldn’t be a challenge if there were no hiccups along the way.

That is something that I am trying to change about myself. I have always been very good at giving up when things get a little bit hard. It’s like I have been programmed into thinking that I should quit something before I fail at it. If I do that, it is like I am taking my fate into my own hands. Except, that isn’t really true. I take the easy way out, because giving up is easier than trying hard at something. It’s maybe why so much of my life hasn’t met my expectations. I haven’t really seen anything through to completion. And then wonder why I am stuck in a minimum  wage job.

I have the dreams, to be better at what I do. To get paid to do something that I am passionate about. That was why I went to college, to hopefully get me on the path to a job I loved. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out for me, and I think it is my issue with seeing things to completion. I always think I am going to fail, so it’s easier to quit. It says a lot about my self confidence that I think that. But I have never had a good self confidence. And it’s hard to gain belief in yourself, especially when you never had any before. I want to change it, but its only possible if you take one thing at a time. Doing things like writing challenges may seem silly, but it is motivational, and helps me believe in me. Something I need to do a little more of.

Uncategorized

Happy New Year

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So another new year is upon us, an annual point for people to reflect on their lives and think of ways to make this next 12 months better than the last. A year is a significant period of time, and it is a unit of time, where a person can evaluate how they have done. And anything they didn’t do, they may want to create ‘resolutions’, to help them achieve what they want over the course of the next 12 months.

Of course, everyone should live their lives making today better than yesterday. Change can happen at any day, not just at New Year. Most people make resolutions fail, so a lot see it as a waste of time. I feel like people could fail if they don’t really ‘believe’ in what they are doing. When I was at school there was a bit of a pressure to invent a goal, to try and achieve something in the year. But if you didn’t really want to do what you said, there was no real push to do it. And I believe that this thing of ‘making resolutions’ that you don’t really want to, means people do fail. Some people see this year after year, and then call out resolutions as a waste of time. Which I guess could be true for some people.

Personally, other than writing a resolution when I was at Primary School, I have never been a fan of the whole ‘new year, new me’ stuff. It just seemed like a waste of time. But this year I am thinking slightly differently. 2014 was a bad mental health year for me. I struggled really badly with anxiety, and I reacted by shutting myself away from people. I refused to go on nights out because I didn’t want to be that person who drags a whole night down. So I didn’t bother going out. And then I hated myself for being so weak. It doesn’t sound like much, but I spent the best part of the year not liking myself. So, I am very relieved to shut the door on 2014, and look to make 2015 a bit better. And I have made some aims that I’d like to try for the year.

I’d like to work out a writing/vlogging/drawing routine and stick to them. I need to work on letting my frustrations out, so that they don’t wear me down, and i do that best by creating something. Food. I need a better relationship with food, and I need to stick to vegetarianism better. I don’t like the idea of something dying for me to eat it, but I like the taste. So I hope to find new tastes, that maybe fit my morals, and still taste good. I also would like to be more organised. I am very much a ‘throw everything on the floor’ kind of girl, and that means I lose everything. I can’t live with a messy kitchen, but my room can easily look like a bombs gone off. Learn how to love ‘me’. I am my own worst enemy and it needs to stop.

But that’s it. Just a few things that I feel would help me function better as the person I want to be. I have always had this idea of what I should be like, and I end up being down on myself on not being this hypothetical person. Which no one should be like towards themselves. But hey, enough with the negativity. Let’s lock that away with last year, and look ahead to a happier 2015.

I hope all my readers have an amazing 2015. And I wish you all the luck in the world for anything that you want to achieve.