Tag: depression

Considering Worth

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am one of the many people who has grown up with a low sense of self-worth. It is a creation for the over indulged masses, whose thoughts and feelings are considered more valuable than any physical work they can do.

After thinking about it, this something that is created by people who simply are not busy enough. It is hard to think self-indulgently if you have to work manual labour all day, every day. But people in developed countries, rarely work such demanding jobs, so their energy goes into analyzing their dreams and various other pieces of tedium. It is not to disrespect those who feel depression and over analyse things, but it does bear thinking if they would still behave in those manners if they were worked harder.

Sounds silly, but it has been thought previously, that people get depressed because they have the time to get depressed. Which is interesting. I am a person who has suffered from depression, to the stage that suicide was considered. Why did I feel like that? Because I put overwhelming pressure on myself, and felt lonely. Loneliness was brought on because I lived in a big city on my own, with noone to talk to. I only had my thoughts, and this gave me time to get depressed.

Also, the developed world also has a way of looking down on people who believe in themselves and get things done. How many kids get bullied for simply doing their homework and behaving well? So, if this is mentality kids are growing into, where the underachiever is the best, then is it a wonder people have low self worth. This could also lead into a bad work ethic, where people are lethargic, which leads to poor satisfaction of life and depression. And when you get into the deep, dark hole of depression, it is hard to escape.

Give yourself more to do, you will have less time to be depressed. Don’t lessen the value of hardwork, as that spreads your depression on to others. This may not make a lot of sense, but it was in my head.

 

Working Hard or Hardly Working

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Stress.

It is the biggest pressure on so many people as they try to live their day to day life. It’s hard to reason why some people are more prone to stress than others. It is more, that the person is struggling to cope, rather than the actual work involved.

It is a feeling of being overwhelmed, and that can come at any stage of a day, and at any stage of life. I have suffered from stress, and to be honest, it seemed to effect me more when I wasn’t working. When I had time on my hands to have a bit of a think. I have a habit of over-analysing things, and I guess that’s what I did. I put pressure on myself, to the point that I felt I was suffocating, and that I was pretty worthless for not coping when everyone else can. It did lead me to the path of depression, and I became increasingly frustrated my life.

After much chatting to people in similar circumstances, I found I wasn’t alone. And it was the cliche that ‘everyone feels overwhelmed at some point’. I say cliche, because at the time, I felt that was all it was. I know, people try to help when the compare your life to someone else’s, as if to say ‘if they can do it, so can you’. But it ends up in a spiral of self doubt, because I feared, I was not as strong willed as that person in front of me. Which was basically me excusing myself for not trying. As if I was shrugging and saying ‘what’s the point’.

Whilst looking at others didn’t help, I took a small piece of advice I found in many self-help books and articles.

Do a little something every day, that makes you smile.

And as basic as it sounds, it helped. I would listen to music, take 5 minutes to sketch something, go for a walk, I’d try something that I knew I loved to do. It became something that I looked forward to, and it made every day that little more bearable. And because my brain was focusing on what ever ‘highlight’ I had planned for that day, it didn’t have the time to focus on shining a negative light on everything I did. I guess, it is just occupying your brain, because over thinking is a huge part of stress related illness. Or it was to me anyway.

Gather Thoughts

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think that everyone has certain points of their life, where they slow down and evaluate their existence and place in the world.

Due to the high volume of time I spend on my own, this happens a lot to me. I find myself looking at what others are doing, and then look upon my own life. This, obviously, gets in a rather low mood. I guess when looking at other people, I have the habit of focusing on their successes, whilst looking at my failures. Trust me, I have a lot of failure.

I’m trying not to go into too much self-wallowing detail, seeing as I have already had more than one rant about it on other blogging services I use. I guess, I like to use this blog to help me think more constructive than destructive. Like, to try and rationalise the crazy which is bouncing around in my brain.  And I’ll tell you something, it helps. It helps that I have a place to write weepy, mopy blogs, but then I have this, where I can try and be a bit more thoughtful about my feelings.

I guess emotion really is like a rollercoaster, just as the Ronan Keating abomination says. I think I want to say to anyone reading, if you feel depressed about something, let it out.  It is okay to be sad. I think that as soon as you accept it, things become a lot more manageable. At the moment, my depression, and how I act with it, is the big change. And although I complain about work, I guess, learning to deal with myself is the big thing. I can now cope with my irrational mood swings and crying for no reason. I know that if I keep on trudging on, I do feel better.

Wondered Lonely As A Cloud

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I guess, I am bringing this blog down to a personal level again. I go through phases where I decide I am going to keep things stictly business, but I can’t. I blog to let out my frustrations, and such, the blog is obviously going to be personal.

I am sitting at home today, not been out the house yet. I have my sister’s show tonight, where she is singing in some school production thing. I feel pretty lonely today. It’s not the ‘oh I need a boyfriend’ kind of loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness that comes from missing company.

Now, I have never been the kind of girl who needs others to live happy. I am the happiest on my own, with a good book. But sometimes, I watch people interact with best friends that they have had for years, and they support each other through everything.

I, forever positive, seem to think that I am too much of a bother to normally voice these concerns. That noone really wants to care for someone, who should really just wake up to the real world. Other people seem to have their own lives, I’m sure me forcing my issues of self-worth on them, would not be appreciated.

So I suffer in silence. And some way, I know that it is only inside my head, and that there is nothing ‘real’ that is making me suffer. But, some people argue that in your head or not, everything is real. Like all things, reality only occurs for what the person experiences themselves. I am sure that every person has a part of their brain, which tells them things which berates their very existence. Although, it is how a person copes with these attacks on themselves that make the difference. Most people either talk to others, or buy themselves a bar of chocolate to make themselves happier. Some, like me, have the same negative thoughts going round and round in their brain, making them more and more depressed. And when you do that, it’s hard to deal with it all. Life can be as successful as anything, but a person can still struggle, because they can’t deal.

That’s where blogging comes into my life. I find it hard to speak about issues to anyone by mouth, but I can easily type away my frustrations. I think it’s the idea of an outlet which actually has no confrontation. Like, I can spill my heart out and release it out the world, without feeling like I am forcing my issues on anyone. So if someone wants to tell me something about how pathetic it is that all this 26 year old can do is whine, they can do. And I can delete their comments. I can rid the negativity.

As I finish this post, my tears begin to dry and the sun is poking out from behind the rainclouds outside. It sounds almost poetic, when I think about it. I feel like this post has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. That now I can deal. And I don’t have the guilt of burdening anyone. Its all really just another method of therapy, accept this costs me nothing.

So…umm

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Yeah, I skipped College today. There was 2 reasons for it.

1) I am skint and my bus pass ran out yesterday, so physically can’t afford college, unless I chance it with an out of date bus pass. Which I don’t want to do, cause they may just take the pass off me, including my college card. Which they have done before.

2) I was very, very upset yesterday. Im hoping I am just ‘dipping’ because my meds have been changed, but I dont think thats it. I was so close to phoning the Samartians because I just wanted to throw myself of something and end it all. Pretty severe, when you think that the medication is supposed to stop me feeling like that. But after I blogged, I went to the toilets and had a cry.

*sigh*
Anyways. I lay in bed this morning reading Death Note, and feeling sorry for myself. When I am like that, I am better just lying, locked away from everyone, cause I’ll just say something stupid.

I still haven’t done any work, although I sat and drew at my work last night. I say I draw, it wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was all I could do from walking out of my work last night, and never going back. Whats bugging me, is that how am I supposed to make sure I am doing everything for a customer, when the call center manager is on my back telling me to hurry up and get on the next call. If I need to email another department, I can’t. And that is not helping me at all, when I am feeling this stressed.

Just focusing on Saturday, where I’ll be up in Aberdeen with two of my oldest friends, Sharon and Gemma. Its Gemma’s birthday night out. I’m just looking to clear my head, so am really looking forward to it. Its kind of like the light at the end of the tunnel. Reminds me, I need to get Gemma and Sharon bday things on Friday, when I get paid.