Tag: anxiety

So Long 2016

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everywhere I look, there are people condemning this past year . Blaming the high number of celebrity deaths, terrorist attacks and political changes on 2016. Which is crazy. Yes, bad stuff has happened, but bad things always happen. The 24 hour news coverage has been very good at showing us bulletins with no ‘good news’ story.

Well, I am going against the common ‘2016 is shit’ thoughts, and think that this year has been one of the best year I have had in a very long time. Which fits in with my main aim for the year, to make 2016 better than 2015. 

The big thing was my mental health. I took a step back from a lot of things, like relationships, trying to work on illustrating things and oversharing online. I spent time think about my anxiety and what happened when I had panic attacks. I started the process in 2015, but I feel like I came a long way in 2016. I still have panic attacks and things,  but there is a lesser chance of them ruining my day or week. Although I have still got a lot of work to do on my mental health, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted already. 

This has given me more confidence. For the first time since I started at my work, I put myself forward for being an instructor, which is showing people how to do the job. I gave tours of the warehouse I work to large groups of new starts. I joined a group of associates which tries to make things better for everyone at my work. It feels like I can make a difference and help people. It feels good doing things I would never have done before. I feel like, for once in my life, I actually have a place somewhere that fits. 

I also decided at the start of the year that I would try to learn to drive again. I had driving lessons when I was younger, but the lessons went on for too long and I lost my confidence. So I started my lessons again, and it went a lot better. In the summer I passed my theory test, and in November I passed my practical. Driving felt like something that was sitting in the background, just another thing I didn’t finish. But now, it’s done. I passed, I just need to get a car now. 

So yes, 2016 has been a successful year for me. It has still had it’s bad points, don’t get me wrong, but I am not giving that my time. I am focusing on the ‘good stuff’. And it really helps. I can’t remember the last time where I sat at New Year, and felt happy about the previous 12 months. It’s a long overdue change. 

To Share Or Not To Share

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I really haven’t had much to say, which I haven’t posted in almost a month. Well there are things that are in my head, but no anything I particularly want to voice on the internet in a public way. In fact I just haven’t mentioned things at all. This sounds a little bit strange, especially coming from someone who uses blogging and the internet to work out their frustrations, but it is true. What it has done, is make sections of the internet, completely separate from what has been going on offline.

And I think that it is important, knowing where to draw the line with posting personal things online. Like, I have always used the internet to vent, to let out those annoying wee things that grate on me. But, I will not go into discussing a bad situation where someone else is involved. It could be to do with family or friends, but it is for me to share something, that whilst personal to me, is also personal to them. I mean, if other people are like me, my parent’s have me on facebook. The last thing I would need is someone talking about a personal situation that had me tagged, and that my parents could read, especially as it may be something that I didn’t want to share with them.

But, that is one of the best things about the internet. You can decide what you share. You might might be obnoxious and funny, but through Facebook you are simply funny, due to not sharing absolutely everything about yourself. It can be dangerous too, as you may never truly know someone you are friends with online. You can only virtually know whatever side of their personality, a person is willing to share.

When I write things on my social media accounts, sometimes I feel bad for the people who follow me. Because I can get so wound up and angsty, and they may never know why. I’ll just post those annoyingly vague updates about ‘some people are dicks’, and leave it like that. I know it is annoying, but sometimes, my anxiety gets me worked up over nothing and I need to vent. That is why there are sometimes no specifics about a situation, just that I am feeling crap, going to buy a cat and live in solitary confinement for the rest of my life.

I have been training myself to kind of push past any feelings of anxiety. Like, to allow myself to cry my eyes out over what ever non-event I am panicking irrationally over, but then when calm afterwards, pick up a book or listen to music. I do things that make me feel better. And then I can try and get things done (sometimes successful, sometimes not). These actions maybe don’t sound like something that require training, but it did. For years I would have a panic attack, and dwell on the cause for days. Causing more panic attacks, and a general feeling of complete loss. I have spent 2016 teaching myself how to power through the tears and the struggling to breathe. And whilst I still have A LOT of anxiety problems, it is a lot rarer these days, that I will lose a complete weekend to endless panicking over everything.

If I post every little panic attack I have, I think I would have no friends left. Even less, if they knew what I had panicked over. So sometimes, it is good not to share everything. But because I have had a bad few weeks, I decided it was best to just not share anything. Because as much as my new coping methods help me, I was going round in circles, and couldn’t even think straight to write properly. But, hey, I am posting. Progress is progress.

Plodding On

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sorry about the lack of updates over the last few weeks. As I explained in my previous post, I have been struggling with anxiety recently. It is different to when I have bad bouts of depression, as I talking about what negativity going on in my head actually helps ease the stress I feel because of it. However, with anxiety, I feel the absolute opposite. The more I think about what is causing me to panic, even just to blog about it, the more I actually panic.

It has become a problem, because I feel I am only now getting to grips with my depression, and now there is another hurdle. It’s not that anxiety wasn’t there before, it’s just depression kind of takes over everything. Like, your head is in such a fog because of the depression, that whilst anxiety did happen, there was no reason for it. But as my mind has become clearer, especially over the last few months, my anxiety has gone up. And it is a very hard thing to manage. Sometimes it feels never-ending, like you deal with one thing, for another to come up and hit you for six.

I have worked through my previous mental health issues, by writing about it. It has always helped. But with anxiety, when I think about what has maybe triggered me during a day, I can feel myself panicking all over again. And it can take hours for me to calm back down and stop crying.

I am trying to work through it. If I experience something that triggers my anxiety, I try to leave that situation. Which has meant, that because I have been having panic attacks near enough every day, I haven’t even wanted to write anything. I couldn’t face even thinking about what was going on in my life, so I didn’t didn’t even attempt to blog at all. It is not a nice feeling, being unable to rely on the one thing that has helped me through all my mental health issues. But, as with everything else, I will find away through it.

My focus is on the gym and getting fitter. It has helped my depression a lot, but I am finding it is helping me get a clearer mind. And, whilst I am still having a lot of anxiety issues, I have a clearer mind to deal with it. It means that if I get that feeling in my stomach when my heart starts thumping, I know I need to try and get away from what is making me feel like that. Clarity of mind, really does help me recognise the signs of an up coming panic attack. Maybe things will get easier, if I stay focused.

Freak Out, Let It Go

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been suffering panic attacks more than usual over the last few days, and have ripped into a few people. Something that is so unlike me. So, I hope people read this and kind of understand why i may have been strange with them. 

My mind must be wired wrong, or something. It doesn’t take very much, for the bad thoughts to start coming into my head. If I think someone is angry at me, I start feeling that it’s my fault. That a better person would have not made anyone angry. Of course, in a calm state I would know thinking like that is irrational, but when you start to panic, nothing seems too much. 
The first sign that a panic attack is coming, is that my heart starts pounding like a hammer, and i can feel it getting faster. I can feel my breath starting to catch in my throat, which if bad, can cause me to get a strain like a stitch. And as it all gets worse, and i lose more control, I can get dizzy. I shake so bad that physically can’t do anything. It is horrific. 

If I can feel a panic attack coming on, I will try to take myself out of the situation triggering it. If I can. Sometimes it comes on so fast that I can’t react. I can try to force myself out of the triggering situation, but that is hard when everything goes to jelly, and sometimes you can’t even see straight.  

Anxiety is crippling. People have presisted in talking to me, when I’ve had an attack. I struggle to get thoughts together enough, and if I reply it is usually so far out of my character. I could tell someone to fuck off, really offend them, and i haven’t even thought about it. I have some times been in such a panic that I don’t even remember what I have said. The feeling that someone could be angry with you over something you can’t control is awful. And it can make it worse. It is a vicious cycle of shaming yourself and then panicking because of the shame. 

The worst thing is, it there may actually be nothing specific to set me off. Someone could say ‘hello’, and I could start wondering if there is something wrong with me that I have been talked to. That I didn’t answer right, and that I am an idiot. And if I think someone thinks bad of me because of myself, anxiety strikes. 

I have become a lot better at dealing with anxiety. I recognise when I get a feeling of my heart starting to race, or when breathing gets hard. I try not to put myself in a situation where I could triggered. It does infuriate me, that sometimes, that is not enough. 

It’s a hard thing to get someone to understand, but I thought I’d better try. I’m tired of apologising for something that no one seems to really understand. 

Change Of Plans

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

To try and get through life, I always look to make some kind of ‘action plan’ for the week. This gives me some kind of calm, as sometimes when I don’t know what is happening in the future, I can get very anxious. And if I am in a certain frame of mind, I can have a panic attack, which is a completely awful experience.

I always have a struggle when plans are changed. For example, maybe I regularly meet a friend for coffee. Something that is a nice part of a routine, is something that comforts me. It sounds silly, but it is hard to explain. Anxiety is something that occurs to me, when I can feel things slipping outwith my control. When I have really struggled with anxiety, I have normally felt lost, and that ‘lack of direction’, can really leave me feeling alienated from everything around me. And, if you have never experience that before, it is not a very nice feeling. And it is a feeling that can exacerbate other conditions, like depression.

So it really can trigger me when plans that I have, change unexpectedly. I always try to have a list of things that I can do at any one time, so that if plans change, I can try and move on to something else. It helps me feel like I am still in control, despite the fact that changes have happened outwith my control. It is something that I have been working on for years, but sometimes there are moments where I do still panic when stuff gets cancelled without much notice. For example, I was due to meet a friend for coffee the other week, and they cancelled. Their kid was sick, so they had to become housebound. Nothing I could do, but I got stupidly paranoid. I got this idea in my head that I had done something wrong, and that it was my fault that my friend cancelled. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get past that thought. I couldn’t focus on anything, and had a few emotional breakdowns as a result. It sounds completely stupid now, but it didn’t feel like that at the time.

But have a constant list of alternative activities usually helps. It stops the doubt breaking into my mind, and it can help me stay angst-free. Mostly. Now, although it doesn’t work all the time, I know a lot of people who suffer from anxiety. And it really is something that can seriously effect your life. So I would recommend to anyone who suffers from anxiety to write up a list. My list includes things as read a chapter of a book, go for a walk and watch something on netflix. These are temporary things, but they keep my mind occupied and stop me from panicking. So I hope the idea might work for others too.

To-Not-List

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have talked regularly on here, about what helps me get motivated. Because it has been something I have struggled with for years. One of the big things that has helped, has been writing ‘to-do’ lists. It is a simple way to methodically work through anything that is needing done. And the best thing is, that if you are feeling that little bit under motivated, you can make the items on your list. Like it seriously helped me tackle my anxiety, and I’d have days where I would have ‘put on socks’ and ‘go to bathroom’ on my list. But when I ticked them off, I’d feel motivated to get more of my list done, and I’d actually achieve something on a day where it would have been easy to do nothing.

But sometimes, a list doesn’t work. That happened yesterday. I came home with a huge plan of what I wanted to do. I wrote up a list, mostly chores, but also things like ‘tea break’. I came home, lay on my bed, and didn’t really move. I watched a movie, and then watched all the extras on the disc. Including commentary. And that was it. Nothing. So, when I woke up today, I thought about how to do an alternative. I needed to do something that would keep me going. Inspire me to do the tasks, like housework, that I don’t think anyone really wants to do.

But I came up with something that worked.

I filmed it.

I know that sounds silly. But, I just used my iphone and filmed wee clips as I got on with my day. And I did get everything done that I wanted to. And I even went out for a walk, and filmed bits of that too. Something that was really just me bumbling around doing what I needed to, ended up leading me to want to do something a bit different. It was a nice night so I went for a walk. It is amateur as anything, as it is all on my phone, but it was fun. I uploaded it online cause, I can. I like anything that leads me to express myself, and I ended up inadvertently doing that. The video is below.

I guess the point of this is, that sometimes what you may use to cope with any anxiety may not work. It hasn’t happened to me very often. I guess, the important thing is to stay calm. There is no need to panic, just know what it is that normally calms you, and just look at a different angle. All I did, by videoing my day, was record what I did slightly differently. And that small difference, made a huge difference to both my anxiety and productivity.

A Little Peace

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Trying to find things to keep me calm. The worst thing about suffering from anxiety, is that feeling of utter panic that can rise from just about anything. The thing that I find most difficult is trying to get other people to understand. I went through a bad phase where I would have a panic attack if I didn’t have the right change for the bus. And it made it worse that people behind would complain, despite the bus drivers always being lovely. I don’t know what started me feeling that way, but it is something that could spiral pretty quickly out of control.

The best thing that I did, that helped, was try and find things that would help avoid the situations which panicked me. Like, the bus thing, I’d make sure I always had plenty of change in my purse whenever there was a possibility of me having to catch the bus. It helped. I felt in control with it. The same when shopping, particularly food shopping. I have mentioned my issues with food on here before, and I would get the wrong thing, which would end up with me freaking out. A lot of the time, I would just go home empty handed. And I tried to get round that, by writing up a list, be in it a notebook or on my phone. Thinking about what I needed before being in the store, actually took a lot of the pressure off. I felt like I could just pick up what I had planned, and even had a sense of achievement that I made it out with a load of shopping.

The two examples that I have given are things that have happened most frequently. For the vast majority of the issues that I had with my anxiety happen at random. So, I have to just find ways to try and cool myself down. Force my breathing, the way you have probably heard of. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. By slowing things down, it can sometimes allow your brain to start thinking a little bit, and stop the irrationality that comes with having a panic attack. I always carry my ipod in my bag. On it, there is a playlist of all my favourite songs. From Spice Girls to Cradle of Filth. The music that makes me feel good, and that can make a huge difference. The music distracts me from whatever is going on in my head. And then, when my mind isn’t so ‘racing all over the place’, I can take out my notepad, or my ever reliable phone, and just write stuff. It could be words, complete sentences, or even a rambling post on Tumblr. It helps. It makes me feel like I have let the thing frustrating me, go.

The thing is, that what calms one person down, is different from another person. If anyone is having any problems with anxiety or panic attacks, is to try and think of solutions. Try to have what relaxes you, with you at all times. The biggest solution that I have found is planning. A good plan, can ease many fears that your mind may try to conjure up.

When I was looking for help I went to Mind, whose website has a lot of information about mental health. The page I have linked, deals specifically with advice on dealing with anxiety. Hopefully, it helps someone else, like it helped me.

New Year, New Me? 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Maybe not. 

Not that there is anything wrong with trying to better yourself. I think that every new day is another opportunity the better yourself and make the day better than yesterday. It is good that people use the start of a new year, as a perfect way too try and set any plans in motion. And it is easy to see why so many people do it. 

Personally, I know that I have a high failure rate when I have made New Year’s resolutions previously. I will maybe do okay for a few days or, if lucky, a few weeks. But, then, I lose focus, slip up, lose all momentum, and then quit. It’s not because of the task itself, I think it’s because of the build up and putting myself under so much pressure to succeed. Add into the mix that I have quite a bad fear of failure, there is only one way things tend to go. 

So, I am trying to take one day at a time, rather than generalising the whole year. It makes things a bit easier for me to deal with, as the periods of time I try to make better, are a lot smaller. And, if I do slip up, it’s only one day. There is a new one tomorrow, and that one will be better. At least I hope that is the case. I have been trying to eat a bit healthier, and that is something that I find easier taking one day at a time. Mostly, because I try to plan a week in advance and I just go eat some crisps instead. 

I love the metaphor that the start of a new year is a start of a new book, I like to think that every day is a different page of that book. That helps me visualise where I am on a certain day, and the idea is of turning the page away from a bad day is soothing to me. I don’t know why. It does help my anxiety levels, as I feel more in control.

As long as people are trying to better themselves, any attempts should be applauded. Whatever the success rate. 

Deep Breathing

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Uh oh!

Something has gone wrong, and I can feel the panic starting to rise in my stomach. What have I done wrong? How could I let this happen? I’ve let people down? And when this happens, there is not one iota of possiblity that can focus on anything else. 

How do I react? I start getting cranky. If my work is stressing me, giving me more work doesn’t help my stress. I just go into a spiral where I just make myself feel worse and worse. So I take it out on the people around me. Which is unfair, because it isn’t their fault I am panicking. And then, I feel worse because I took it out on an innocent bystander. 

Yep, quite a mental hole to get yourself out of, if I say so myself. 

But I do sometimes get myself out of these blocks, which does make me feel better. A lot of the time, I don’t actually do anything. It is just the ‘state of utmost panic’ passes. No reason why it comes and goes, it sometimes works like that. Very unhelpful. Most of the time though, I have to actively seek to get myself going again. 

I do that with a lot of effort and patience. I may take a ‘time out’ and go for a walk somewhere, away from where I am working. Being away from my work area, does automatically relax me. Sometimes I just close my eyes and try to breathe. I know it’s a cliche, but it is repeated so much because it’s true. 

But the best thing to calm me down, is to try and talk to those around me. It’s probably just the distraction, but when I am in work, and I can’t just run off, it does help a lot. I work with some funny and great people, and I can always find someone who will make me laugh. It helps so much. Just a few minutes of light-hearted conversation can completely change my mood, and I can return to work with a completely fresh mind. 

It’s nice sometimes, to find a way around the blocks your brain puts in the way. And the more solutions you find, the easier it gets to get on top of those mental health issues that so many of us deal with. 

Good, Good

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t say it a lot, but today was a good day. A good, productive and fun day. 

I woke up with the attitude that I was going to focus on my work. Because sometimes I feel distracted, and that makes me feel a bit anxious about being useless. So I woke up rather enthusiastic to get my working week started. So I just decided to take the day as it comes, and live in the moment. Which is rare.

My issue with anxiety is that I tend to focus mostly on what’s going on around me, what could happen next and what’s gone wrong previously. And I worry. I worry that I’ll make the same mistakes, and that I’ll disappoint someone. Don’t ask me who I’m going to disappoint, I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I get. 

I am trying to live more positively, as a rule. Whilst, it doesn’t happen a lot, I feel I should celebrate when it does happen. The more positive and happy feelings I can create about having a successful day, hopefully the more it can happen. It might be some kind of motivation to help me get my life on some kind of track where I’d be more satisfied in general. Hopefully.