I have been suffering panic attacks more than usual over the last few days, and have ripped into a few people. Something that is so unlike me. So, I hope people read this and kind of understand why i may have been strange with them.
My mind must be wired wrong, or something. It doesn’t take very much, for the bad thoughts to start coming into my head. If I think someone is angry at me, I start feeling that it’s my fault. That a better person would have not made anyone angry. Of course, in a calm state I would know thinking like that is irrational, but when you start to panic, nothing seems too much.
The first sign that a panic attack is coming, is that my heart starts pounding like a hammer, and i can feel it getting faster. I can feel my breath starting to catch in my throat, which if bad, can cause me to get a strain like a stitch. And as it all gets worse, and i lose more control, I can get dizzy. I shake so bad that physically can’t do anything. It is horrific.
If I can feel a panic attack coming on, I will try to take myself out of the situation triggering it. If I can. Sometimes it comes on so fast that I can’t react. I can try to force myself out of the triggering situation, but that is hard when everything goes to jelly, and sometimes you can’t even see straight.
Anxiety is crippling. People have presisted in talking to me, when I’ve had an attack. I struggle to get thoughts together enough, and if I reply it is usually so far out of my character. I could tell someone to fuck off, really offend them, and i haven’t even thought about it. I have some times been in such a panic that I don’t even remember what I have said. The feeling that someone could be angry with you over something you can’t control is awful. And it can make it worse. It is a vicious cycle of shaming yourself and then panicking because of the shame.
The worst thing is, it there may actually be nothing specific to set me off. Someone could say ‘hello’, and I could start wondering if there is something wrong with me that I have been talked to. That I didn’t answer right, and that I am an idiot. And if I think someone thinks bad of me because of myself, anxiety strikes.
I have become a lot better at dealing with anxiety. I recognise when I get a feeling of my heart starting to race, or when breathing gets hard. I try not to put myself in a situation where I could triggered. It does infuriate me, that sometimes, that is not enough.
It’s a hard thing to get someone to understand, but I thought I’d better try. I’m tired of apologising for something that no one seems to really understand.