Category: Life

Monday Madness

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The start of another week. Already. Sometimes I wish that the time would slow down a little, as it seems to go too fast. It feels, especially at the moment, that I spend most of my time procrastinating or lying in bed. Lying in bed, procrastinating. *sigh* I have no idea why I am like this, but it means that I feel the passing of time so much more. Mostly, because I have these ideas, which go nowhere because I am too lazy to put these ideas into action.

There is a good thing. I am currently very energetic (possibly thanks to the coffee). So I am painting things for my Christmas cards, drawing sketches for a project I am helping a friend out with, and I even tidied up a little. This is crazy. I am NEVER that motivated, so I have to make the best of it whilst it’s here.

So I am watching Rosianna and wishing that I had friends who used the internet and valued it as much as I do. Yes, I value the internet. It is there for every purpose. It is there when I need to let any aggravation out. And, if needed, I will get feedback from the internet when I want it. And the thing is, I don’t know anyone who thinks that me having two blogs is a good idea, they don’t see why I would want to record myself for youtube. Sometimes I would like to spend more time with people so that we could encourage each other to make better web content. Because, that is what most of what we do online is. Creating content.

Even if you post a Facebook comment once in a blue moon, or you write a daily blog, you are packaging a piece of yourself for the world to see. To me, I think it is great, but I know a lot of people don’t think outside their own profile page. I think it is amazing that we can document our lives through these avenues of expression, and that other people can see what we have to say. I created my original blog over on LiveJournal, way back in 2005. And it came with me, on a large portion of my life. I know that if I had written such thoughts down in a book, the book would be lost as would the thoughts. So it is nice to have them to document who I was at that point.

I think that is where the perception of ‘time’ hits me. I look back at what I have done, and it doesn’t feel so long ago, and then I look at the date. I realise how much I have done between then and now, and just reflect on it all. Which is great. I mean, I blogged about when I used to self-harm. And as uncomfortable as it was to read all that, it is great to know that I can deal with things a lot better these days. It makes me feel like I have achieved something fairly major in my life. And that although, I had shared my feelings over the internet, it really doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than myself.   It shows me that I can do things, if I stick to it. And that, is sometimes just what I need to hear.

Crash! Bang! Wallop!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Are the noises my brain made, as I tried to shake it into s0me level of activity after it grinded to a hault. It failed, though I must point out, walking around the house shaking your head is frowned upon, especially when there are people in the house.

There has been a lack of everything being updated, because I have not been the computer. There has been updates to twitter, but I would say that is about it.  I am having problems with NaNoWriMo, the first week was awesome, and I was so into things, but I just fell so far behind, after almost a whole week of ignoring the story. -.- Yes, this is not how you do this. It is two weeks tomorow, since it started, and I should be almost half way. I am at 10,000 words. So, I guess I need to stop ignoring, and start writing.

As an appology, please accept this gift of the firework display I filmed last weekend.

 

Feeling Forlorn?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Ok, not so much. I just really wanted to use the word ‘forlorn’. I don’t believe that word is used enough. For a word meaning sadness, it just sounds so impressive. *cough* Sorry, couldn’t think of a title, for what is, yet another, rambling blog of nothing. I use a blog, like a diary, so I expect to see the ups and downs of my journey through life, all documented on a web page. Or a few web pages. Actually, with the amount of blogs I run, I think it may be more than ‘a few web pages’.  Oh well.

I am feeling all motivated today. It coincides with time off work, and actually doing things, such as tidying up. I guess, when I do something with my day, I can’t help but feel more satisfied and motivated. Which is good, I think that it must be something psychological. I mean, if you feel down, the main advice is to pick yourself up and carry on. I think this may because once you start doing things, momentum gets you doing more. It is getting up and started which is hard.

I, think, that because I have done quite a lot today, for me. It has me scribbling down ideas for future projects. Optimism is a great feeling, and isn’t something I am used to. I tend to be more the-glass-is-half-empty, kind of girl, so when I do feel good, I have to document it. I have to talk about how great I feel, and the ideas I have, just because I feel I should spread my happiness.

So if you feel forlorn, power through it, and when you feel good SHOUT IT OUT!! *sings Hanson*

Black Hole of Blackness

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Been playing around with a lot of things recently.

In that I am trying to get my online self sorted. *cough* Yes, this has been something I have been trying to do for a few years now, but, I am rubbish at actually doing things, creatively on-line.  The volume of studying I am supposed to have done, you’d think I’d be able to do things. But, alas, my brain is like a whiteboard, in that information disappears way too easily.

I am pretty sure, that comes across as a complaint. It isn’t meant to. I just have to be doing things a lot, for me to actually remember how to do them. The thing is, a lot of the things that I should have been practising, I haven’t, and hence have forgotten how to do them. One of these things is ‘web design’, and I just feel that if someone looks at me, trying to decipher a page of HTML, they’d see the huge question mark floating above my head.

So, after, much umming and erring, I am getting back into things. Or I will try. Going to work through things, bit by bit, and hopefully refresh my mind a little. I haven’t had any projects for a while, as I have been feeling rather ‘unworthy’ of anything, to be honest. But, I aim to psych myself up, and hopefully get somewhere. I need money, so I am hoping to work hard enough to get things going.

One thing college never teaches you, is how to keep up motivation when things seem to be going nowhere. It is hard. It is hard to stay well-versed, so that when something does come along, you aren’t like a deer in the headlights. I guess I am getting at that point, where I am sick of sitting watching other people get what they want. Three of my closest friends are doing jobs they wanted to do at school. And I work in a call centre. And I take it to heart when all I want to be successful, and I work hard, only to get nowhere. Maybe I should have been more practical when picking out my career when I was younger. Maybe if I aimed for something a bit more reachable, I would be happier with ‘my lot’.

But, as always I will power through the bad feelings. Only because I am running away from the bad feelings, because I hate feeling so powerless. And yet, it is trying to find the strength to be the person I want to be, that is so hard. I just seem to mess up at every opportunity, and it is hard to keep trying after failing so many times.

Sorry. *cough* In a pondering mood, and am a bit lonely. So, dear blog, you bear the brunt.

It Disney Make It Better?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s a day where I have nothing notable to do. So how do I occupy my time?

The same as every other person of a certain disposition, who has an internet connection. I browse the internet for useless information and obscure things that  no one really cares about.

Well, noone except me. This involves me looking up dumped plotlines from the Lion King movie, and why they were abandoned. I mean, as intriguing as it is, I am glad Disney decided against killing Simba along with Scar. It was traumatic enough seeing Simba kill himself in a fake game (see previous post) without him dying in the official stuff.

But this looking into the Disney archives, and viewing the Vault releases, makes me happy I got to enjoy the Disney renascence as a kid. I mean, getting to see Beauty & The Beast, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Oliver & Company and obviously The Lion King, were big parts of my childhood. Seeing those movies growing up, helped push me to being more creative, painting backgrounds, drawing characters, it took me where I am today. The stories that we watched as children, help form the opinions and ideas that we take through to our adult life.

Disney has always got a lot of bad-press for making everything seem like a fairy tale, and that things will always end up ok. That isn’t an unhealthy thing to teach anyone. It is basic positive mental attitude, I mean if you think the world is all doom and gloom, how do you even get up in the morning. The truth is, you can’t. Disney teaches people that obsticles will come into your path, but if you power through and be honest with yourself, it will get better. That is a brilliant ethos, an ethos that people want to take away from Disney, because it is one of the biggest companies in the world. Surely, it doesn’t matter how big someone is, if they encourage people to live good lives, then why take the good aspect away from them?

Increasingly, there have become adults, very much like myself, who delve into the world of Disney on a regular basis, to bring light into their lives. Much like religion, people pick out the parts of Disney’s rich history, to give them encouragement in living life, especially when it gets hard. The idea, that a lot of the plot lines, and song lyrics clarify that a person is never alone, and they will always have someone who needs them, is comforting Even if it is a small monkey, named Abu. Disney focuses on friends, on family, on how doing the right thing will always be the better option. I don’t care how old you are, these are morals to live by.

Everyone gets influence from different places, and for different reasons.

A Brave New Day

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There is nothing worse than waking up to a day, where you feel lost, depressed and alone. A day where you look outside to a cold, wet world, and all you want to do is stay in bed all day. And the fact that you have to get up and force yourself into the day doesn’t make things much better.

This is a bump. A blip on the radar. Some people get more bumps than some, and it can be uncomfortable and hard. But when the sea calms, everything becomes settled and a person can feel a lot better about themselves. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes from powering through to the ‘other side’. And if you can battle through it once, you can do it again. That is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, find a belief that things do get better if you can lift yourself through the turmoil.

And once you know that you can power through moments of uncertainty, and you do it regularly, you generally get less overwhelmed by the bumps in the road. It takes a strong person to ride out the bumpy road and get through it without the feeling you are in a black hole. Looking at others sometimes doesn’t help, because you may fool yourself that they have never had any storms to try and pass through.

So what I am trying to say is, don’t look at others. Look at yourself. You are a great person, and that alone should give you the strength to power on. Especially of you have been bothered before by issues. Only you can make a difference, and believing you ‘can’ is the best way to start. It seems scary, it seems different, I know it does. But be brave, and find out how fantastic the world is.

Feeling Enslaved

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So this post a day think came into a blip. Where I am unable to access WordPress through my work computer, and my phone decided it didn’t like being online. So everytime I accessed an app which needs an online connection, I just got a plethora of error messages. And then the ‘internet access’ PCs couldn’t connect online. But it’s ok. O2’s dodgy 3G connection came back on. *cheers*

But this is a challenge. I have to make the effort to post. Which makes me feel like I have achieved something, because I have overcome something. I think that as soon as effort is put in, you feel more distinguished because of that effort. It doesn’t really matter what the thing is. Or I don’t think it does, not to me anyway.

Besides, the effort I need to make, stops my mind from wondering, and that’s where issues come into it. I overthink, and seem to dig up drama which isn’t there.

Working Hard or Hardly Working

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Stress.

It is the biggest pressure on so many people as they try to live their day to day life. It’s hard to reason why some people are more prone to stress than others. It is more, that the person is struggling to cope, rather than the actual work involved.

It is a feeling of being overwhelmed, and that can come at any stage of a day, and at any stage of life. I have suffered from stress, and to be honest, it seemed to effect me more when I wasn’t working. When I had time on my hands to have a bit of a think. I have a habit of over-analysing things, and I guess that’s what I did. I put pressure on myself, to the point that I felt I was suffocating, and that I was pretty worthless for not coping when everyone else can. It did lead me to the path of depression, and I became increasingly frustrated my life.

After much chatting to people in similar circumstances, I found I wasn’t alone. And it was the cliche that ‘everyone feels overwhelmed at some point’. I say cliche, because at the time, I felt that was all it was. I know, people try to help when the compare your life to someone else’s, as if to say ‘if they can do it, so can you’. But it ends up in a spiral of self doubt, because I feared, I was not as strong willed as that person in front of me. Which was basically me excusing myself for not trying. As if I was shrugging and saying ‘what’s the point’.

Whilst looking at others didn’t help, I took a small piece of advice I found in many self-help books and articles.

Do a little something every day, that makes you smile.

And as basic as it sounds, it helped. I would listen to music, take 5 minutes to sketch something, go for a walk, I’d try something that I knew I loved to do. It became something that I looked forward to, and it made every day that little more bearable. And because my brain was focusing on what ever ‘highlight’ I had planned for that day, it didn’t have the time to focus on shining a negative light on everything I did. I guess, it is just occupying your brain, because over thinking is a huge part of stress related illness. Or it was to me anyway.

Feel the positivity.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Just had a decent day today, so I thought I’d spread some cheer.

Happiness is one of the most contagious things in the world. And it is also better for you and everything you do. If you are happier, you are more likely to achieve what you want to. I do think that is mostly because when your mood is better, you are more open to the world.

But everyone has a bad day. The best thing to do, if you have a bad day, is to soldier on. It will get better. You will find something that will make your day seem better, and that good feeling you get doing that something, will spread and effect the rest of your life. So don’t beat yourself up when you do have a bad time, just appreciate that the bad times are there so we can make the best of a really good day.

And if you feel happy, pass it on. That smile that you make as you type on your keyboard will show in how you express yourself, others can sense it, and it may make them happier too. So I have a great day, and I hope anyone reading has a good day too.

 

Feeling of Sollitude

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you need to relax, what do you do? What do you do to switch off, when you can’t escape?

I have always used music as a method to escape. It helps me because it allows me to ignore my surroundings. And that is what escapism is about. Being able to ignore the distractions which are near to you. And its crazy how much, just making yourself not have to listen to what’s going around you, makes a difference. I am sitting at the canteen at my work, and despite being surrounded in groups talking to each other, my ipod is helping me not bare them any attention. If you feel alone, listening to music can also give you company, in that it stops you from feeling so alone.

Another thing I like to do, is read novels. I love the idea of experiencing a completely different world, just from reading a few pages. If you have a good imagination, and the right story, you can escape into the story. I have always read on my own, and I describe it as being a solitary activity. Because you read at your own pace and experience this new world. I can easily spend hours being lost in a book, and its the best feeling in the world. I feel that I can actually experience the plotlines, and that the characters are people I meet and get to know.

So right now, I am reading The Crimson Petal and the White by Micheal Faber, and listening to the Broadway recording of the Lion King musical. And, honestly, I feel so happy and at peace. I don’t feel alone as I have so much things here, that gives me so much joy. Reading and listening music is something that has gone hand in hand, for me, for most of my life. And I don’t see it being a habit I will drop very easily.