Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Condolonces On Another Birthday

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

As much as I try to be positive about it, I always end up crying at least once on my birthday in an overwhelming dose of self-pity.

Birthdays are a natural point where someone can look back on their last year, and deem whether it’s been a success or not. Unfortunately, I don’t have many years I count as being successful. I am 27, still working a crap part-time job, still living at home, still a total waster. No matter what I try to think about, it’s always the same negative points my thoughts lead back to.

I guess, I just have to take a deep breath. In the last year I saw Blink 182 and Good Charlotte, I met Charlie Harper and John Robb. I got the chance to meet Good Charlotte fans I have spoken to for years. Got a new Good Charlotte album. Got a new Green Day album. Somehow became an expert on blogging, and helped a few people get started with posting things. I bungee jumped. I got hammered at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and went on the Pepsi Max. I got addicted to coffee. I got re-addicted to Green Day.

A lot did happen that actually makes me feel good about the last year. It’s just trying to train myself to focus on these things. But at 27, it is not easy to kick the habit of thinking about the negatives. I am trying to get past the thoughts that I am almost grieving my birthdays as I get older. It’s hard. It’s painful to know that you aren’t going to be able to achieve all the things you thought possible as a kid.

Being a realistic adult is such a drag.

Mood- beh!

Music- Green Day- Jesus of Suburbia

 

Wake up, wake up!

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Do you ever feel like you need to get a grip on things? That the life you are leading needs to change? I do.

The issue is finding what it is that will change things. I am a believer that a person makes their own destiny, and that if you want something, only you can make it happen. Which is fine, if you know how to make that happen. Of course, any action that you do could help change the direction of your life. There is a saying that ‘if you can’t find a job doing what you want, create yourself a job’. That is a good sentiment, if you can put the right amount of effort in. But when you work hard on something, it is hard to give up, when you realise things won’t come to you as easily as you hope. I suppose if you manage to be a success and do what you want, then it says a lot about you and your character.

At the moment, I feel like I am at the crossroads where it is hard for me to put in constant effort. Its becoming a year since I left college, and it’s a lot harder than I thought to get money doing what I love. I suppose I am lucky I have a job, so I have a regular wage whilst I struggle finding customers and such.

Its easy when you are in education. You are filled optimism with the ideas that you will get paid for work easily. Except, people want work for free. Which is good initially, as you are getting work. But time goes on, and the same people still want things for free. You, as an artist, lose focus and value of what you are doing, and find it hard to continue making things. Its a cycle.

Only time will tell whether you can be a success or not.

BEDA= Blog Every Day in April

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Pretty self explanatory, I think.

It is something created by the internet community to get people writing a blog post every day. This isn’t reblogging something on tumblr, it is writing a substantial, more traditional, blog post that holds some meaning to you.

It is something to encourage people to get in the habit of posting regularly. And because I know a LOT of people who are struggling on both the idea of blogging and actually remembering to post, I felt this may be a good thing for them to try. Some of the blogs in my links at the side >>>>>>>>>>> are attempting this. So check them out. Namely, I Talk To Snakes and Owlssayhoot, as they are both doing this.

Like any other writing prompt thing, the best way to get into blogging every day is by doing a few things, created to help a writer.

1) Get a friend to blog with, you can both decide on a topic of interest, and both write your take on things.

2)If you struggle posting on consecutive days, reward yourself when you do. Even if it is something like a cake or an hour playing your favourite video game.

3) Let it be known to the world that you are trying to blog every day, and if they notice that you are not updating, then they can give you some sort of punishment.

4) Talk about something you like, something you care about. Even if it is just a take on what happened to you that day. You can’t expect people to read what you write, if you don’t care about the topic yourself.

5)Have fun. Too many people fail at blogging, because they tend to think of it as a chore, but it should be something you enjoy doing.

6) If it helps, give yourself small, achievable targets. Because if you are finding something difficult, then it is better to break it down. I mean, writing for 2 days, is a lot easier than thinking about writing for the whole 30 days.

And, I don’t have much else to say. Although I have moments where I may miss a few days, or even a week, I find it quite easy to blog regular, so I am posting this just to try and help motivate some people. Hopefully it works, if not then you just get to read me offloading things. So BAU on this front, then.

I know that within the last month or so, I feel that I have been neglecting my blog. I don’t have any excuse why, really. I just haven’t been updating anything recently. *shrugs* I am just so ‘out of wack’ right now.

But I hope people join in with BEDA, and I hope to read a lot of interesting blogs in the next month.

Wondered Lonely As A Cloud

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I guess, I am bringing this blog down to a personal level again. I go through phases where I decide I am going to keep things stictly business, but I can’t. I blog to let out my frustrations, and such, the blog is obviously going to be personal.

I am sitting at home today, not been out the house yet. I have my sister’s show tonight, where she is singing in some school production thing. I feel pretty lonely today. It’s not the ‘oh I need a boyfriend’ kind of loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness that comes from missing company.

Now, I have never been the kind of girl who needs others to live happy. I am the happiest on my own, with a good book. But sometimes, I watch people interact with best friends that they have had for years, and they support each other through everything.

I, forever positive, seem to think that I am too much of a bother to normally voice these concerns. That noone really wants to care for someone, who should really just wake up to the real world. Other people seem to have their own lives, I’m sure me forcing my issues of self-worth on them, would not be appreciated.

So I suffer in silence. And some way, I know that it is only inside my head, and that there is nothing ‘real’ that is making me suffer. But, some people argue that in your head or not, everything is real. Like all things, reality only occurs for what the person experiences themselves. I am sure that every person has a part of their brain, which tells them things which berates their very existence. Although, it is how a person copes with these attacks on themselves that make the difference. Most people either talk to others, or buy themselves a bar of chocolate to make themselves happier. Some, like me, have the same negative thoughts going round and round in their brain, making them more and more depressed. And when you do that, it’s hard to deal with it all. Life can be as successful as anything, but a person can still struggle, because they can’t deal.

That’s where blogging comes into my life. I find it hard to speak about issues to anyone by mouth, but I can easily type away my frustrations. I think it’s the idea of an outlet which actually has no confrontation. Like, I can spill my heart out and release it out the world, without feeling like I am forcing my issues on anyone. So if someone wants to tell me something about how pathetic it is that all this 26 year old can do is whine, they can do. And I can delete their comments. I can rid the negativity.

As I finish this post, my tears begin to dry and the sun is poking out from behind the rainclouds outside. It sounds almost poetic, when I think about it. I feel like this post has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. That now I can deal. And I don’t have the guilt of burdening anyone. Its all really just another method of therapy, accept this costs me nothing.

I’ve spent a few days bed-ridden

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Been sick.

Anything I am eating right now, is just coming straight back up again. It is just how attractive I am right now. Other than stinking out my house, again, so attractive, I have been watching movies on LoveFilm. It’s a site where you can rent movies, or watch them online. So been lying in bed watching things like Napoleon Dynamite and Zoolander.

Other than that, I have been re-reading the novel I was writing for NaNoWriMo. I have decided because the story is better than what I thought it was, I am going to post it on my LiveJournal, so check out Bubble Breaker Chapter 1, and let me know what you think, and I may link it here, whenever I post a chapter.

Anyways, going back to bed, in the hope that I am well enough to go and get my mum’s birthday stuff tomorrow. :/ I feel like my insides are trying to eat themselves.

VYou: An introduction

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Do you ever stumble upon a new website, and you just end up spending all your time on it?

*puts hand up*

I have. I have came across VYou this week, and I have been playing around on the site all week. The concept of the site, is that it’s a little like FormSpring, where you answer questions that other people ask you. The difference is that on VYou, the answers you give are short videos. It is a new site, and from what I understand it is still in Beta format, so there are still improvements to go. It is one thing to bare in mind when you use any new sites, go in there with the knowlege that there may still be some niggles around.

But to be honest, after playing around on the site solidly for the last few days, I can say that it seems pretty flawless for me.  But saying that I have only answered a few questions, myself. It seems a lot of people have been introduced to the site by watching various Youtubers, I for instance, heard of it mentioned by Alex Day (Nerimon) and then saw other people who I follow on YouTube (Hank and John Green & Wheezy Waiter) so I watched a few of their responses, and decided to start my own account.

The ideas is that people ask a question in the comment box below the video, and if the user has already recorded the answer, you get played that video. If there isn’t an answer, the question gets sent to the user, so they can film a response.

Its pretty simple, and should stop the same answers coming up again and again (something formspring doesn’t have). When you start watching other peoples replies and start filming your own, it is easy to start using the site a lot. There is no nastiness, and it seems to be bring about the community feeling that has been lacking in a lot of social networking sites recently.

So check it out, you don’t even need to have an account to view answers or start asking questions, but it’s a lot more fun when you do sign up. Head over to VYou now, and check it out.

Posi-Day 5: It’s Monday, Not Moanday

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So still going strong. I am feeling a bit low today, but I am focusing on topics that make me happy. I am aware that over the next month or so, as I do this project thing, I know there is maybe a lack of substance of my input. This isn’t something I feel I should have to apologise for, as this is something important to me and my development.

The main reason I decided to do this, is because I have recently been talking about how a person can’t complain about their situation, if they don’t try anything to try and fix it. So, in keeping with that thought, I decided to try and kick my negative attitude to the curb. Depression is something that I have struggled with for most of my adult life, albeit in varying levels. I started thinking that part of the issue was that my brain was trained to think bad of life. I mean everywhere you go, someone is moaning about something, and that has to have an effect on you.

So the PMA thing is really about retraining yourself, in how you think. It is harder than what you may think. It’s like, if you are faced with a negative situation, you have to try and look at a positive about that situation. I’ll be honest, it isn’t something that comes easy to me, as over the years I find that I have become a cynic about everything. So, I am really having to work hard on this.

I really do think, that even after just 5 days, I am getting a little bit more optimistic. I am finding it easier to get up and do things, rather than lying in bed thinking ‘what’s the point’. And that is a huge improvement for me. I know I am gonna have days where I may find it impossible to be positive, but I just need to keep faith, that it will pick up again, and keep my head up.

Posi-day 4: I Have A Creep

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There is a girl, who has sent me 8 stalker-style emails in the last few days. And for some odd reason, instead of panicking, I kinda just thought ‘why’.

Isn’t having a creep something that happens to famous people? Or at least someone who has at least some kind of following through the interwebs. I, obviously, have none of that, so I just became very confused. As much as I would like to be able to convince myself that I do have some kind of infamy, but I don’t think it would be in the kind of area that would warrant creep followship. In fact, does anything warrant creep followship. Probably not, it is rather unnerving.

I don’t want to think that people are looking at my internet output, and trying to read some deep meaning into it. Which is happening, by The Creep. I mean, I may occasionally talk in depth about something that means a lot to me, but most of the time I ramble about stuff even my own mother doesn’t care about. Which is a lot. There is a HUGE interest gap between me and my mother.

This girl is from Osaka, Japan. She does write pretty good English, and I don’t really thing she means to bewilder me so much. I think I am also iffy about the whole situation, because I am on EVERY social network going, so I don’t understand why someone would send emails instead. *shrugs* The whole ‘wish I could be your IRL BFF’, did freak me out, but I’m trying to be flattered by it instead. Like, think of the positive aspects, and not automatically jump to the negative.

In all seriousness, Kaimi is a lovely girl, and she is so so nice. I feel privileged to have you as my ‘creeper’. ❤

Posi-Day 3: Gladerday

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The last 24 hours have seen me have to actually try with the positivity levels. And, for it being only a few days into this PMA thing, I feel like I coped quite well.

Last night I saw people being nasty about other people, and doing things they consider to be a waste of time. And it seemed like everyone I came into contact with was hell bent on moaning about something. Now, I am not against free-speech, and people should be able to express what they are feeling, so that their angst doesn’t built into something unhealthy. But, it seems people look on things in ways so they are focusing on the failures, rather than the whole ‘silver lining’ aspect.

When you are trying to force yourself away from such thinking, it is a moment when you want to bash your head with a wall, or something equally hard. It is frustrating. And I never realised how negative people were until I started trying to think another way, and I think people would be surprised.

Anyways, I tried to put out reasons why peoples gripes were good, and not as bad as they thought, but I don’t think I was listened to. But, along with PMA, I am trying to not become overly involved with things I can directly do anything about. So I have been saying my part, and then backing away without getting to involved.

So far its working ok, but I have to keep on catching myself before I do say anything bad. It’s a lot of effort, which is why I don’t think most people just don’t bother changing their attitude at all.

Posi-Day 2: Friday Feeling

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Still working on this positivity thing.
So I have been up, and trying to keep myself motivated, with this tidying malarkey. It is something that I find farely hard to keep motivated and positive about. I hate housework with a passion, and just end up losing my temper with the whole thing.

But, doing the ol’ ‘take a deep breath’ routine, and trying to keep on going.
It is working.
But it is a very slow process.

But anyway, it is certainly more fun when you do look on the positive. 🙂 I am in a better mood with everything, even going to work, I am not to bothered about going in. I am going in with the idea that I am there to help people, and that is what I’ll do, rather than thinking about being in a stuffy call centre on a Friday night. So, although it doesn’t sound like much, it does make a HUGE difference.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Winston Churchill