Not What I Wanted

I have always been one of these people who have two effort levels. Either I obsessively do it, or I just can’t be bothered. This is mostly encouraged by how well I do at something. If I put effort in, and things go well, I will push and push towards a goal. All good. If I put that same effort and fail, I find it really hard to put any more effort into it.

I know that what I am saying isn’t that uncommon. In fact, most people probably have the same issues. If is something that happens in life, and people just have to accept it. But the problem is, that if I don’t try again at something, my brain builds this thing up. Something that is probably of no real concern to anyone, can start to cause me to panic. It is horrible.

When I was at school, I remember that I had two extremes whenever I sat a test. I would either smash it, or I would completely bomb. If I was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t just make one, I’d make ten. And that is something that has continued with me as I go on. I think that a big part is paranoia and lack of confidence. Like, if I think i am doing well, it is all fine. But if I find out I did one thing wrong, i fuck up everything.

It’s hard. I can get so flustered over making silly mistakes. I get upset, because I feel so stupid. I get it in my head that I shouldn’t be making such silly mistakes, I should know better. And I feel worse, and then make more mistakes because I am too busy scolding myself.

The thing no one ever teaches you at school, college or any work place, is how to give yourself a break. It is a foreign concept. But not everyone thrives on constant pressure.

One thought on “Not What I Wanted

  1. Mistakes are completely normal! Each and every moment is a learning experience. You have to take even the worst moments and stop to think “how can i make myself better because of this?” It’s hard sometimes but you can’t blame yourself. Humans are made to make mistakes. That’s the reason we exist. We have to grow and mature and build from even the silliest mistakes!

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