2019, ramblings

Don’t Stop Me Now

To most people I am a quiet person. Very shy, and don’t like to go to places where I don’t know anyone. I get panic attacks and frequently cancel plans to stay at home on my own. I am very good at isolating myself.

However, when I see articles or comments berating a group of people, for being who they are and I can’t hold back. I feel like life is about better things for yourself and others around you through education. So when I see ignorance on Facebook, or some article, I feel composed to jump up and say something. My belief is that if someone is not harming anyone, and making themselves happy, why to get so upset about what they do. Most of the time the angriest people are angry because they simply can’t relate. And I feel that it is wrong to comment harmful words on a topic that you have no knowledge on, and are scared of.

This feels like a big thing right now, as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I see people berating trans people, or people who aren’t cis-gendered, regularly. As I grew up, I had so much verbal abuse about my own sexuality and gender. I have always been a tomboy, and never been a girly girl. I was bullied at school, for looking like a boy. It was the first point where I started hating myself, which started a horrible spiral which has lead to many mental health issues through my life. I kept myself to myself, I never hurt anyone, and tried to be a good person. But I was made to feel like a criminal for being who I am.

So, when I see people angling abuse at folk, I feel I have to say something. I think everyone should. I frequently hear people say they are okay with ‘the gays’ but then berate someone struggling with gender identity. You either support the LGBTQ+ community or you don’t, in my opinion. I don’t understand why you would hate someone for something you don’t understand. And mockery translates to hate to a person who feels attacked from all sides.

People say that their ‘free speech for jokes’ has been spoilt by Social Justice Warriors, and it isn’t true. It’s just the jokes that used to be made at the expense of women, race, or LGBTQ+, is no longer acceptable. You see, these people now have a voice, and can speak up and tell you why it’s not okay to berate them. Free speech is allowing you speak what you want, but it also gives people the ability to call you out on anything which is problematic.

Every day is a chance to educate yourself on a viewpoint which is unknown to you. Make the best of it. The world will be better for it.

2018, ramblings

Head In Sand

Recently I haven’t been sharing at all. Which is not like me, but it’s hard when you are dealing with something that you’d rather not be dealing with.

Unfortunately, life is not that kind. I have been sick, had a major crash with my mental health, had course work due in and the busiest time of the year for the ol’ day job. And it all kind of left me functioning, but that was it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t, because I didn’t want to think about how much stuff was happening all at once. It’s kind of calmed down a little, my coursework is done and Christmas is a week a way, which means no overtime. And it’s allowing me a little time to reflect on why I burrowed myself away from the internet.

For years the internet was where I could let my feelings go, where I could write about stuff that no one cared about. It was very therapeutic and it was completely disconnected from my real life. However, every day there seems to be more merging of both my private life and the one I talk about on line. People who I know in real life, are able to access what I am writing.

Now, this doesn’t seem like a huge problem for some, as they see things being made public, and surely it doesn’t matter who reads it. But… that’s not really how it goes. In my life, I try to put a smile on as I soldier on through whatever the day throws at me. Inside, I may be falling apart, but I don’t want people to see it. I always feel like my mental health issues makes me a burden on others, so I don’t want them to know. That way people don’t feel pressured into being nice, they are being nice because they want to, not because I’m not right in the head. And when these people I share my daily life with can read what I really feel, I feel like I have let them down. I mean, surely I should be able to talk to folk, right?

So, sometimes it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Pretend things are okay, when they aren’t. It’s not perfect. But, it can get me through times where I don’t have the strength to deal with questions about things that I don’t know how to put into words. That’s what writing helps me do, sometimes, put what’s in my head into words that (kind of) make sense.

2018, ramblings

Communication is important. It is how everything gets done. Whether it is you telling a shop worker what you want, reading your email list, or watching a TV show. Without effective communication, we’d be sitting staring at a wall all day, on our one.

Sometimes, that seems like a good idea.

I have recently bought my second car, after over 6 months of no driving. I was a bit worried about driving again, but I found it a bit like riding a bike. It was super easy to get back into, which is good, cause I kind of love driving. The problem ended up being with other drivers.

My dad used to be a driving instructor, and always drummed into me, and my siblings, that it is ALWAYS, mirror, signal, manoeuvre when driving. This means, if you need slow down before turning in at a junction, you should indicate first. This allows other drivers to see what you are planning to do. Seems simple, right? Not every driver follows this rule, and you will get people just turning, or breaking for no reason. You will get cars coming onto the road, right in front of you, as if you are invisible. I have a bright blue Volkswagen Beetle, it’s not exactly something that blends into its surroundings. It frustrates me. But I can see why accidents happen. A lot.

I sometimes think, that being able to read minds would be super helpful. Just so I’d get a heads-up on what other drivers are going to do. I think it would be a great ability. Like, as if you level up when you pass your driving test and unlock the ability to read minds. Although, I don’t know if I’d want to read everyone’s mind. My mind is weird enough without seeing too much of other people’s weird thoughts.

2018, ramblings

Perseverance

So, I started posting regularly again, by saying that I would post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  You will notice that today is Tuesday, and there was no post yesterday. I’ll be honest, it was a bad day. I had a few panic attacks and ended up spending most of the day with family. Which was nice.

I guess, what I want to say, it is okay to take time out. I still plan on writing 3 posts this week, it is just that 1 post is a day late. You can still be motivated, and not push yourself too hard. Which, is something that is important. Because when you force things, you sometimes end up doing more damage. And, that is the tricky thing. Having to learn the balance between pushing enough to get things done, and pushing past that. It is a difficult balance.

But, it is important to never give up. If you can’t do something, it is okay to side-line it till later. Stuff will still be there for later. And, if it is urgent, speak to people. It is surprising how supportive people are if they know what is going on.

2018, ramblings

Impatient

If I really want something, I don’t like waiting. I want it now. I have always been the same. Sometimes I am like a child whining for dessert, when they still have their dinner to eat first.

I passed my driving test a year and a half ago. I had a car, which was in a crash, so ownership was short lived. Yesterday I got another car, after over 6 months of not driving. Now, I don’t mind the bus, but when it takes me so much longer to get home after a shift, it gets to become an annoyance. The bus fares are constantly going up, where I live, and the services seem to be getting worse.

So I finally got a car yesterday. A wee VW Beetle and I love it. Been for a few drives since I got it, and I am so happy. I have money saved away, to help fix it if anything needs done. Because it is an older car, from 2004. I missed being able to go out for a drive. But part of me still is fearing about another crash, so I think ‘if the car is at home, there can’t be an accident’. I need to get out of that thinking, as I think it is still making me nervous.

But after a few weeks of really bad anxiety, the feeling of something going right, is nice.

2018, ramblings

Being ‘You’

Every day, we spend time with people, be it work colleagues, friends, family or even the person who serves you every morning in the super market. And, every person assumes you are being ‘you’, and that is what they judge you.

But, is that really you? There is a school of thought which believes that the way you act towards a person, goes of what you want to be perceived as. That a person is completely multi-faceted and isn’t the same person towards everyone. When thinking of this, I have a look at myself. I always try to be honest, and have an ideal of treating others the way I want to be treated, myself. That is the basics of how I act, but it changes depending on who I interact with. The person who I am at work, is different from the person I am with my family, which is again different from the person I am around friends.

These things happen automatically, and people can only perceive you as the person you are towards them. But this means, that very few people will know you 100%, they don’t know every side of your personality. Whilst this is completely normal, it is totally bizarre when you think about it. That you spend half your life with someone, and you’ll only know what they are like when you are there, you will never really know what they are truly like with other friends or at their work. When you let a person into your life, what it comes down to is how much you trust that person.


This was a random thought that I came across the other day. And after thinking about it for a while, it boggled my brain a bit.

ramblings

T’was The Season

Christmas time is a great time of the year. It is that one time of the year, where people can spend time with their loved ones, and where thanks is given to those who support us. It is still the one period of the year, where everyone get’s some time off work. It is nice to see that a lot of non-essential businesses closed, as everyone needs a time to cool down and relax.

The only problem is, that I started planning for Christmas months in advance, usually by making lists for what I want to gift people, but I don’t actually do anything about it till the last minute. Once again, I ended up running around town on Christmas Eve, getting presents and the like. Because I know what I am getting people, it is fairly easy to get in the shops I need to, and then leave.I find it best, as that way I don’t have to deal with too bad crowds, as I am ready for home before midday.

Christmas day is classed as that one day where I eat too much, and watch rubbish on TV, and this year was no exception. When you work hard all year, it is nice to just kick back with family. And to me, that is what the period is about. Yes, presents are nice, but it’s about showing your thanks and chilling out.

You will notice, that ‘blogmas’ fell apart pretty quick, as expected. But December is the one month where time seems to just disappear. One day it was the start of the month, and it felt like it was Christmas day within a blink of an eye. Which is scary. They say that time going fast is a sign of getting older, which I am not particularly keen to think about.

But in a few days, we say goodbye to 2017, and start afresh with 2018. And I feel genuine excitement.

2017, ramblings

Constantly

I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.

2017, Life, news, ramblings

Guilty of feeling bad

Right now, it feels like every time you read the paper or watch a news broadcast, something else horrible is happening in the world. Innocent people are dying every day. And it is awful.

It can be difficult to relate to. I,for example, feel unbelievably guilty. I have my fair share of physical and mental health issues, and a lot of times it is hard to even hard to get dressed, never mind do something productive. But I watch the news, see the suffering of others who are much worse off than me. It starts the internal berating of myself, where I feel inadequate that I seem to have a lot, but I can’t deal. People have it worse. Someone said that at work today, to me. I didn’t offer a reply, but in my head, it reinforced the belief I was building up about myself.

It doesn’t make for a happy life. It makes every day feel like it’s double the length. My anxiety flares because i feel so guilty and unworthy, it causes my stomach to become unsettled so that every meal I eat, ends up in the sewerage system. It stops me from sleeping, I feel that if I can’t appreciate and enjoy my life, then maybe I shouldn’t wake up in the morning.

But, when in a calmer state, I realise everything I do is completely irrelevant to whatever disaster is in the news. Now, that sounds awful. But bear with me. My anxiety comes in different flavours. Sometimes my brain makes me feel unimportant, and sometimes it makes me feel responsible for EVERYTHING. So, the days where I feel hopeless, I try to break tasks down, like if I don’t process this task, a customer won’t get their refund. It is a small thing, but makes me feel I have a purpose.

When I am a bit more calm, like I am now, I can be logical. I can think of a way round my issues. But when anxiety hits, logic is furthest from my mind. I have donated to charities for the Manchester attack, the Grenfell Tower fire, and many others. Sometimes, feeling like I tried to give something helps calm my anxiety. But if you are struggling with current affairs and are feeling guilty or just questioning your place in the world, sometimes the best thing to do is to not constantly watch the news. I watch half an hour a day, and that’s it.

Don’t allow your mental health to bully you into feeling guilty for something you have nothing to do with. Which is hard, I know. You can also try to speak (or ramble online, like I do) about what you are feeling. If you are having a hard time health-wise, nothing should be-little what you are going through. And if someone tries to, ignore them. Look after yourself and those close to you.

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If you need mental health help visit The Samaritans

Donate to the Grenfell Tower fire fund, this situation is still ongoing, and the death toll is expected to rise. red cross appeal

2017, ramblings, technology

Absentee

I was going to write a post whining about why I haven’t been posting recently. But that is something that gets very boring, very quickly.

I have been spending my alone time getting re-aquianted with my Xbox. So I have been dying during Naruto Ninja Storm 4 and getting stuck in Yooka-Laylee. I have a very short attention span when it comes to games. I love playing them, but I get bored very quickly. Which is why, unless it is a game series I love, I will not pay full release price for a game. My favourite kind of games, usually revolves around fighting, platforming or racing. Games that usually have short events or levels, where I can progress through the game slowly.

I can’t see myself every paying £50 for a single game. In fact, I have noticed, that games, like many other things, are cheaper in other shops. Something that has been made more apparent, by the need for supermarket chains and Amazon to stock EVERYTHING. It means that whilst game specialists, like GAME, sell stuff for the RRP, Tesco’s sells the same game for (sometimes) £15-20 cheaper. Which is a lot of money. So many companies seem set on becoming a one-stop-shop, where you can get anything. You can order groceries through Amazon’s Alexa, and the stuff comes right to your door. It makes it so easy to be lazy, and just get everything together. It is less hassle. But, if it is something you really want, for yourself or a gift, then shop around. Check Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys, Argos, Amazon, GAME… there are so many options.

Is there any games I would like, in the future? Well the Naruto Ninja Storm saga is getting a full HD release, which looks cool. Because I never got the original games. And then Naruto Strikers which looks like a team fighting game. There is the South Park fighting game coming out at some point, which I am keen on getting as Stick of Truth was pretty great. I think the one game I would go all out for would be a proper console remake (or even re-release) of Road Rash. I mean online races, where you can just smack that player who cut you off, with a chain. I would love a new version of that game, but it doesn’t even pop up on the Mega Drive compilations. It makes me a sad panda.

I don’t get a lot of RPG games, I just struggle investing the time required to get anywhere in these stories. Zelda and the OG Pokemon games are probably the only RPG’s I can kind of play. I also have a low tolerance for first person shooters… well not all, just some. I like Gears of War, but can’t be doing with Call of Duty.  My problem is, that there is zero learning curve for playing online. Last time I played CoD online, I sucked, and got so much shit for it. That’s not why I play computer games, I play to relax.