Sitting watching Sex and The City, and it always makes me wanna blog. Funny that.
It just makes me think about relationships with other people. I mean, I am a friendly person, and unless you are mean to me, I’ll be nice to you. But I always find myself in the situation, that people don’t seem to invite me out. This leads me to spend many lame nights in on Foxy Bingo. I try and organise something, and it always ends up just me and Paul. Not that I mind that, because I’m sure I have talked his ears off with my shitty life story more than once. Its like everyone else has better offers. Its like ‘yeah I would, but I prefer my other friends’. And that feeling just drives me mad. Maybe I think about it too much, but it has always felt like a major flaw in my life. Its probably paranoia, but its the only thing in my life which I feel is holding me back. I mean I have a job, which to be honest is pretty stable. I am back at college, and am totally at peace with it, and am planning my projects and things already. And I am also feeling very creative, and am sketching on top of my college work, and I think that the sketch book will be finished within the next couple of weeks.
So the fact that I seem to have this inhability to get myself anywhere close to the field of dating, feels like the only thing holding me back. I mean, if you are unable to go out regularly, how can you ever expect to get anyone. Its not like I get on with my daily life, thinking ‘there is one person and she will never pass me by’. Because I find that a rather niave way of looking at things, or maybe its me who is the niave one? Is it stupidity, that I seem to excuse myself from even attempting to get into that type of relationship?
I think its where my self-punishment kicks in, telling myself that if I really was such a nice person as I think I am, then why am I single and alone. Why have I been to scared to even go near someone, in a relationship sense, in over a year. Yep, the notorious Sam. Seriously the first time I could admit to myself that I was gay, happened with her. But nothing lasts forever, and as I let myself into her flat, I found her and some blonde bitch in bed together. I have never ever been so hurt in my life. I mean, I had always thought that emotional pain, so severe, you feel it physically, was a load of horse shit. But to be honest, I live with tendonitis (pre-cursor to arthritis) and I have been so sore I can’t walk, but it was so unbeleivable painful. I mean I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack.
So I think that my head is trying to put barriers in my own way to stop that happening again. I mean, honestly, its the only thing I feel is making me feel low at the moment. There is answer somewhere, I hope.