Being There

I have always been a person who loves their own company. I have always spent a lot of time on my own. That’s not saying that I have no friends, I do have a lot of people in my life that I am lucky enough to consider to be my friends. People who I know will have my back, no matter what happens.

But, I don’t think I am a really good friend, if I am honest. I don’t organise to meet people for coffee, I skip nights out, I am THE WORST person at texting back. The list goes on, but you get the idea that I am pretty unreliable. Well, if I do plan something, I will do it. I don’t like bailing on things, particularly if they are important, like birthdays. I try to keep my promises. But the ‘general invite’, is the ones I skip. It sounds horribly selfish, I know that. It is one of the pitfalls of having a brain which stops you from letting go and simply enjoying life for what it is.

There is always that wee voice in my head, that stops me from doing  things. I feel like I am a big bag of misery, and I wouldn’t want to impose that on people I care about. I don’t always feel a part of situations, like I observe more than participate. I have this belief that getting too involved in something, will ruin it for everyone else. That is why I tend to keep myself to myself.

Sorry to anyone who is my friend. Sorry for letting you down and not being around more. I obviously have a lot of issues to sort out and to try and make my confidence better. I will try harder to be a better friend. Do other people have issues with being a good friend?


Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one.

That statement is very true. I feel it also gives the idea that an opinion is something negative. It is like the quotation above feels that opinions are wasteful, due to the part of the body that it compares it with. It’s the part of the body that gets rid of all the leftovers. So, all the expression contains some truth, I find it to be an unfair analysis. It is a rather poor attitude to have on the subject of opinions.

Of course everyone does have, and are entitled to, their own opinion. The problem is, that people believe that they can change the opinion of others. An honest opinion is created with a person’s own thoughts and ideas. They think about what they have experienced, and craft their own thoughts on a particular subject. That makes having an opinion a very personal process, and I don’t believe that someone else should try to change it. Because if a person has an opinion, they have thought about a topic, and they believe themselves to be right.

And that is where problems occur. If you personally believe something is right, and someone tries to convince you otherwise, it can be hard not to get offended. So people defend their opinion, and those of different opinions clash.

I feel that if I wish for people to respect my opinion, then I should respect theirs. It’s simple, and should be very simple to understand. And it could be relatable to subjects such as religion, politics, eating habits and favourite bands. Respecting what others think is a big part of what is wrong in today’s society. Too many people let their own opinion become a blockade towards relating with others. For example, I know people, who shall remain nameless, who won’t associate with people who are religious, because they don’t believe in it. The religious folk are lovely, but people’s own intolerance stop them from seeing that.

Why is it that people strive to be so different, but then won’t accept the differences of others?

Illusions of Grandeur

I don’t have an issue with people who have self-belief, I mean, it is that belief that helps a person achieve. So to achieve something, you need to have a little bit of confidence about yourself. I have an issue with people who pull others down, to make themselves look better.

And it happens everywhere. Rather than giving someone kudos for achieving what they want, people feel the need to bring the person down by demeaning themselves to make the achievement seem less worthy. It is just a person’s need to feel superior. It is strange, because most of the time people do it without thinking. Like, it is some natural instinct. Which is not too hard to imagine, when you think that other animals try to make others look weaker, so they can get a mate, etc.  Which makes you wonder, how much of this behaviour is us acting natural.

So whilst I frown about the behaviour of a ‘put-down’, I can only really disagree with people who do it on purpose. Like, they want to make that person miserable. That is something I don’t understand, why would it make someone feel better, to make another person sad? Surely I can’t be the only person who feels like this? I mean, I don’t see where a person can draw the line. If you attack someone because they annoy you for being happy, and it makes you better to change their mood, what are you next going to do to make you feel better? Is making someone sad going to become like a thrill to you? What are you going to stop at to get that thrill?

To be honest, everyone is the same. People have good things happen and bad things. It doesn’t mean you should avenge people who have good things happen to them. Because that feeling of achievement you may get from ‘knocking someone down a peg or two’, will only be short lived, and you will hurt someone else.

So if you catch yourself trying to kill someone’s good time, stop. Because if there is one thing the world doesn’t need is someone trying to spread more negativity.

We May Meet Again, In Some Long Forgotten Town.

Friendship. That thing that makes a person feel they are not struggling through life on their own. They are like the family we can hand-pick. It’s the people who shape us into who we are.

But, sometimes, as people grow, friendships are lost, and people become strangers. In risk of  becoming all overly angst-ridden, I do think that it is sad that we lose contact with people as we grow.  In one way, it would be nice to keep friendships going throughout our entire lives. But that is something that can often be impossible.

I was talking to some friends the other day about relationships, and how they can start off well, and slowly fall apart. I believe that because people are constantly changing, relationships can’t always change with the people. Relationships tend to be static, they don’t seem to change, and as a person grows, they can out-grow the relationship. Yes, at the time we were talking about boyfriend/ girlfriend type of relationship, but friendship can be broken in the same way. I mean, I know many people, who, at one point, I would include amongst my best friends, but over time we have grown apart. It can be that as other things happen, you lose contact and don’t have much time for each other, and in no time at all, you can become strangers.

It is sometime inevitable, that this is going to happen, mostly due to our nature of blanking out things which are not directly in front of us. So people shouldn’t blame themselves. Actually, people will never blame themselves if a relationship falls apart, it is always the other person who has changes, the other person who made mistakes, the other person who broke things. Whereas normally, it is because both parties have contributed (or not contributed, as the case may be) to the destruction of the relationship.

But, as sad is the end of a relationship is, if you force the relationship to continue, where it is naturally coming to an end, you can just end up stunting your own growth as a person. And, yes falling apart from someone is hard, but it is so much worse if you end up deeply disliking the other person, because they stop you from being who you want to be. Which is why, I have decided, that it is better to go separate ways, rather than force something that will just create unneeded conflict.

Yeah, my decision is law, yo.

Universally Speaking

I was sitting thinking, the other day about the blog post I did a few days ago, where I was talking about relationships. And despite me being rather cynical about love, you can’t deny that it is something that bypasses language and other barriers. Gestures of love and kindness are something that is not restricted to the English language. And that, is rather romantic in itself, thinking that love rises above the barriers our modern world has created.

So, even if we go more primal, and think about the concept of finding a mate. This is something which goes beyond humankind, a great variety of creatures mate for life. Wolves, coyotes, beavers, Golden Eagles and Ospreys are just a few creatures which mate for life. This isn’t them living together and playing happy families, a lot of the time it is just that they are programmed to be social with the opposite sex, and assist in the raising of young. It is mechanical, something which is where a persons need to be in a relationship comes from.  It’s the biological urge to have a place where you have a family of people around you, as a network of support, because ultimately that is why animals like Wolves live in packs.

The network that people have has changed over the centuries. No longer are people together simply as mates, and build a network around their mate. They have networks of colleagues, of friends, of people other than the traditional parents, and various family members. So, as our world takes more steps away from nature, so do our network of relationships. So rather than the basic, man meets woman, they have sex, have children, that’s their lives, people have jobs, ambitions and are not so focused on finding a partner. Especially when you see that it used to be that girls where paired with a suitor by the time they were 16.

I guess amidst all my rambling, what I am trying to say is that the human race isn’t unique in having urges to show fondness towards others. A lot of our behaviour comes from our past as more basic creatures, it’s just third party causes, such as money and technology, has distorted what should be the most natural thing that a person should experience.

You can’t talk about love, without your mind going to the polar opposite, which is hate. Hate, in most aspects is thought of as ‘revenge’. Why? Well, again it comes down to the basic families and networks that people have created over time, be it religion, work, or anything. If anything threatens our network, people resort to their primal instinct of  trying to defend it. Which then brings intolerance, as people get overly sensitive, and well…you get a whole of bother.

But, fights and duels happen all the time in the wild, as creatures try to protect what is theres’.  It’s just the ‘more sophisticated’ humans, use guns and destroy everything, to the point it becomes mindless. But it all stems from urges and behaviours that are built-in to our nature, something that makes us no different from any other person, or any other creature on earth.


Relationship Status?

Has always been the one thing, whether asked on a form or by person in front of me, which irritates me. Why would such a simple topic irritate me? Well, because I feel it puts this mass importance on whether you are in a relationship or not. Why is there so many terms for those who have found a partner, and those without are dubbed ‘Singletons’.

The land of the Singleton is supposed to be an empty, lonely one, where the poor person (almost labelled as a victim) cries themselves to sleep everynight because they are so alone. Now, there may be some people like that, but I assure you that most people who are single tend to focus on something else in their life. They don’t focus on relationships, because why focus all your attention on something that isn’t there? There’s no point, as it will just drive one crazy.

And the ‘dispair’ that a lot of single people feel, come from the fact that those around them seem to openly seem to show off that they have managed to keep their talons locked into someone for long enough, they are now considered as their partner. They talk about the dinner dates, the flowers, the movie nights on the couch…the list is endless. But I am sure most people reading this will see some kind of familiarity with the situations.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be happy, just don’t being vomit inducing. And there is something really sweet about knowing someone so well, as a friend, that the relationship goes to another level, and you understand each other completely.  But a lot of the people I know in relationships spend their days moaning about how their other half is terrible. Why, if love is such a beautiful thing, do so many people seem to mourn it? Because, that’s what it appears to be. Being sad because the person they choose to be with, doesn’t have all the qualities they want in a lover.

There is a solution to these, sometimes unreachable, goals that people set for their partner to achieve. The truth is, you can never expect anyone to try and live to what you thing is ideal. A good thing to do, is to think of all the qualities you like in a partner, and write them down. That list of ‘wants’ is what you need to achieve yourself. People pick out qualities they find desirable, mostly because it is a type of envy, that this person holds a quality you don’t. So, if you take those qualities out of the equation, it becomes easier to get along with people. It’s almost like moving the unreachable goalposts closer, so that it becomes easier for people to meet your expectations.

But getting two people to co-habit with each other is hard. No-one is 100% compatible, so a little give and take is necessary.


But what do I know. I barely remember my last relationship.

Come And Lose With Me.


I am well aware that the title seems like a chat up line from some angsty teenager, but what can you do about those things.

After walking around my life in some kind of daze, I feel like the irksome fog is clearing, and I can, for once see the path that I should travel along. And do you know what? All that I seem to see is people indicating that I am a ‘loser’.

I am an apparent ‘loser’ because of numerous reasons. They include: reading books, making VIDEO BLOGS, keeping a multitude of other blogs updated, being a proof reader for an on-line music fanzine and populating various message boards on the web. To me, I am happy doing these things, so why should I be berated just because I find happiness in something other people do not?

I spend a lot of time online, because I find it a good way to communicate with like-minded people. People who actually give a shit about the same things I do. Whether its spending hours catching up on blog reading or watching subscriptions on youtube, they are things that make me happy. I like the idea of discussing something and finding out that some people may agree with you, or want to discuss something in further detail. And I like that I can be having a really indepth discussion about books, with someone on the other side of the world.

It sounds either really stupid or really poetic, depending on how you look at it. People are always telling me to get myself out in the ‘real world’ more, which is a bit of a stupid statement, to me. As this is the real world, I am communicating with people out side the little bubble we live in, where we can discuss other matters and I can find out what their home looks like and things. I find this really impowering, and it is learning about other cultures. So, am I really living such a closed existance, if I can talk to a wide range of people rather than choosing to go out and get ‘hammered’?

I dunno, people do things in life that make them happy. And as long as you are not harming anyone in doing so, I don’t that there is anything wrong with it.

But the truth is, everybody has something which makes them a little unusual, something that other people won’t understand. So in a way, everyone is the same, everyone is a loser. And every loser will be a winner at some point of their life.


It is said that people only think of themselves when they are in a crisis, and that only people who think of others should be rewarded. But that is human nature. We are born with something inside us, which is there to protect us from things we deem to be risky. We are criticised if we think the world revolves around ourselves, when in reality we CAN only observe that which goes on around us.

Obscure sentences, or valid point,s I don’t know, but the topics I mentioned above, are what I have been thinking about today. So I suppose I should explain myself a little bit.

The whole ‘fight or flight’ part of ourselves is something there to protect ourselves against danger. But in civilised society, we are taught that it is respectable to reject our instincts to protect those weaker than ourselves. But what does that bring to ourselves? A sense of worth, a sense of knowing that you have done right by someone. So it isn’t really for that person you protect them. Its for your own satisfaction, makes you feel good, gives you a buzz. Does that not make heroes completely selfish, because they do these ‘commendable acts’ for themselves. No different from anyone else.

In fact, is someone who does not allow themselves get bullied into ‘heroism’, and look after themselves, not more heroic. They get called selfish, when it is other people who intrude in others’ lives to make themselves feel better. Which one is more selfish, they are both looking for pleasure and a feeling of purpose, but only the ‘hero’ uses other people to get that feeling of worth.

**Note: that is what happen when I watch the ‘no such thing as an unselfish good deed’ episode of Friends. **

The second thing was this trend of calling someone selfish because they think the world revolves around them. How is that selfish? Of course the world as we know it, revolves around us, because we observe it from our olace. So you form your own opinions and looking at it from when you stand. This isn’t selfish to think others are there to help you, as that is how we automatically think of them, seeing all interaction we have with people usually involves talking to one another.

It is an automatic usumption with the lives that we lead, that we are to think things revolve around ourselves, so why should we be made to feel guilty about it. ‘Think about others first’ we are told, but why? In this life too many people pass the buck and like to blame their failure on others, and I think that this is just another way of doing that. It’s like passing all your aggravation onto other people. Because your life is so meaningless you have to use any excuse to berate another, perfectly happy person.

Sometimes I think I should just lock myself in my room and be a hermit.

The Product of Sex And The City boxset

Sitting watching Sex and The City, and it always makes me wanna blog. Funny that.

It just makes me think about relationships with other people. I mean, I am a friendly person, and unless you are mean to me, I’ll be nice to you. But I always find myself in the situation, that people don’t seem to invite me out. This leads me to spend many lame nights in on Foxy Bingo. I try and organise something, and it always ends up just me and Paul. Not that I mind that, because I’m sure I have talked his ears off with my shitty life story more than once. Its like everyone else has better offers. Its like ‘yeah I would, but I prefer my other friends’. And that feeling just drives me mad. Maybe I think about it too much, but it has always felt like a major flaw in my life. Its probably paranoia, but its the only thing in my life which I feel is holding me back. I mean I have a job, which to be honest is pretty stable. I am back at college, and am totally at peace with it, and am planning my projects and things already. And I am also feeling very creative, and am sketching on top of my college work, and I think that the sketch book will be finished within the next couple of weeks.

So the fact that I seem to have this inhability to get myself anywhere close to the field of dating, feels like the only thing holding me back. I mean, if you are unable to go out regularly, how can you ever expect to get anyone. Its not like I get on with my daily life, thinking ‘there is one person and she will never pass me by’. Because I find that a rather niave way of looking at things, or maybe its me who is the niave one? Is it stupidity, that I seem to excuse myself from even attempting to get into that type of relationship?

I think its where my self-punishment kicks in, telling myself that if I really was such a nice person as I think I am, then why am I single and alone. Why have I been to scared to even go near someone, in a relationship sense, in over a year. Yep, the notorious Sam. Seriously the first time I could admit to myself that I was gay, happened with her. But nothing lasts forever, and as I let myself into her flat, I found her and some blonde bitch in bed together. I have never ever been so hurt in my life. I mean, I had always thought that emotional pain, so severe, you feel it physically, was a load of horse shit. But to be honest, I live with tendonitis (pre-cursor to arthritis) and I have been so sore I can’t walk, but it was so unbeleivable painful. I mean I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack.

So I think that my head is trying to put barriers in my own way to stop that happening again. I mean, honestly, its the only thing I feel is making me feel low at the moment. There is answer somewhere, I hope.

Yeah, well…

I have been off work today, and wanna know what I have done? Watch tv.
I usually can’t be fussed with tv, but I watched so much of it today, it makes up for my usual month worth of tv viewing.
Take soaps, for instance, I watched Eastenders, Hollyoaks, Nieghbours and Coronation Street (i think Hollyoaks was the only one that held my attention though). I spent all afternoon watching Red Dwarf series 2, which in my opinion is the best comedy the BBC have ever shown. Watched some Top Gear, and this thing about trying to get the unemployed jobs. And now I am perched on the couch watching Sex in the City.

I know it sounds really lame, but that programme taught me more about sex and relationships than school ever did. The only thing about it, is that it makes me wish that I was in a relationship. Its not that I don’t enjoy my own company, cause I love chilling on my own. Its just it would be nice to have someone other than my cat to cuddle up to. I dunno, I guess everyone goes through that.

Its funny Miranda is going through the same crisis on Sex in the City. The whole I’m going to die alone and my cat will eat my face. Saying that, Billy would probably eat my arm, then raid the fridge. lol.

New obsession. When i am on my own, i had the habit of eating crisps. But now, its drinking loads of tea. Never been a tea drinker, but it keeps me from being bored, and eating myself to an early grave. I mean I dont want to waste my summer of walking (the only resolution for the summer that stuck), by eating crap. I mean, I am at the stage where i am wanting to register for the gym. I have never ever wanted to do that. But walking to work, has made me feel so much more possitive, as odd as that sounds.

Thinking about going swimming at the wing every saturday. Its not to busy