Tag: personal

Battling With Mental Blocks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

If you take part in any creative activity at one time or another, it is likely you have suffered from a mental block. A period of time where you can’t physically create what you enjoy, and have a want to do. Usually, for me, I start something and will never get into ‘the swing’ or feel what I am writing or drawing, and I stop. The idea is always in my head, I just can’t transmit it anywhere. And, since drawing and writing is a major stress relief to myself, not being able to do so, can really get me down.

I read something once which claimed ‘people get stuck creatively, because of the pressure they put on themselves’. At first, reading this as a teenager, I did the ‘stereotypical teen’ thing, and scoffed at the very idea of myself being part of a problem with my own creativity. But, all these years later, I believe it to be true. I go through phases where I write so many things in one period of time, and then, almost as sudden as switching off a light, I have nothing. No interesting thought or idea comes up. And I feel lost. I feel like I have lost an arm, because I have used both art and writing as a way to de-stress for so long, I don’t know what to do, when I can’t.

I think, I do stress myself out about trying to get into schedules, and wanting what I create to be of a certain standard (probably can’t tell that, right). I stress about the actual creating something, that I over-think it to the point that I can’t create anything. Because nothing will beat the high expectations that I have for myself. But people amble across this blog and don’t see my stresses. They see a rambling mess which is updated on a semi-regular basis.

But, that isn’t the point. The perception of other people, whilst sometimes nice, isn’t why I made this blog. It is about me describing how I feel, and try to keep me creative. Which, recently, has had the opposite effect to what I wanted. I look at periods where I was at college, and I blogged every other day. I pine for that time, where I felt I was being creative, and so try to force myself into a schedule. I can’t stick to that schedule, so I freak out more, and I post nothing.

So, what I think is needed, is for me to step back. Stop making such an importance on how regularly I post. I want to blog because I enjoy it, and putting pressure on myself, takes away that joy. And, I think that is something that adds to the frequency of ‘mental blocks’ that I get. So, hopefully by chilling out, I’ll find things easier again.

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note: I am aware that this is more of me complaining why I can’t make things anymore. But, I feel that part of this blog is to brainstorm what goes wrong, as well as just rambling. I am trying to change the way I do things, so that I do want to pick up my sketch pad after a day of work. Creativity needs to be nurtured, not forced. And, I need to remember that.

Expelling Energy

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been awful restless over the last 6 and a half months. I have been out of work, and in a bit of a bad way, mentally. It has been a struggle doing anything, which is why I believe that this blog has dried up, and it has been so hard to get it rebooted again. To be honest, when you are not having to go to work or education, I think you can have the tendency to feel lethargic. Because if you chose to, you can sit alone, you don’t have to spend most of your days working or studying. So, your brain switches off. There is no focus for your thoughts, so you can just think about yourself and feel negative, because it may feel you are not going ‘anywhere’. 

What has lead to this pondering, is the fact that I started a new job today. And having a focus to kick-start my energy has ended up with me wanting to fill my day with more. Whereas before, I was meeting a friend during the day, and it was great. That was all I did. I didn’t have any energy to write about anything, because I had no motivation to observe what was around me, because it all just seemed pretty damned depressing. Now, I feel like I have achieved something today. That is something that is debatable, especially due to the fact that today was 99% induction, and I actually did very little. But it feels like I am a part of society again, like I am a functioning person again and I have a purpose. 

It maybe sounds a little over-kill, but it truly feels that revolutionary to me. It feels like a big thing in my life. With the 5am wake-up call forcing me into the world earlier than I would normally like, I feel like I have tapped into this unused source of energy, which has just propelled me through the rest of my day. I came home with a buzz, and that I wanted to write. I wanted to create something. I wanted to read a chapter of my book. I wanted to draw a few things. I have not felt this way in so long, it really is great. 

My last job was wearing me down. I had taken quite a dislike to it, and that was making me depressed. I was clashing with people, and because it was taking all my energy just to turn up, the job was not being done right. I was exhausted both physically and mentally after there for only an hour. At the time, I didn’t realise this, and I pushed and pushed myself, despite not succeeding at the most basic of tasks. Maybe it was just a change that was needed? Maybe I needed to do something different? And it is only now, when I have started at a new workplace, is it I realise how much energy I have when I am happy about working. I wake up in a good mood, I go to work in a good mood, I come home in a creative mood. 

Now, obviously, I can’t see into the future, and as such, I don’t know how long this job will make me feel like this. But, I feel like I have learnt a valuable lesson. I really am a threat to myself, when I let a job get at me, to the point I am crying every day. At the end of the day, as great as money is, nothing should ever make a person feel like they are unworthy. If something is making you feel so bad, that you are struggling to function, get it out of your life. Something negative can suck out all your energy, and believe me when I say that it is a horrible thing where the only thing that survives lack of energy, is self-doubt. 

So be who you want to be. Fill your time with as much happiness as you can and enjoy the energy you get as a result.

Life Is A Plotline

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been reading a lot of non-fiction books lately, where people publish their thoughts, feelings and general anecdotes about their life. You find out about the inner workings of their brains and really get to know someone. It is something that is really magical about books and reading. You can get a sense of complete understanding for someone you have never even met.

But how can a person experience enough to write books on their life? A normal average life is not something to write home about. Life is mundane and uneventful 99% of the time. Or mine is anyway.

But then, it is maybe not what you experience, just how you experience it. Some people believe that those who look through the world as if they were a child, tend to lead happier lives. It isn’t the physical aspects of life that makes these people happy, it is the idea that everything is an adventure, no matter how medial the task may seem. As we get older, it seems that we get more apathetic about the world we live in. It as if we have seen that failure is a part of life, so we prepare for any future failure by looking at the world negatively. But, if we push the apathy aside, appreciate things on face value. A sunny day, pretty flowers, tall buildings, anything. Maybe thinking of every day as an adventure, creates more stories to tell. Makes life seem more exciting.

Another aspect of ‘how you experience life’, may come down to a person’s thought processes. Some people speak their minds about particular topics, a bit like Karl Pilkington.  Karl is a man who is honesty seems to be the voice that other people ignore. He has an overly pessimistic, realist attitude about seemingly everything. Karl speaks and writes about his honest opinions, which resonates with people as well as keeping attention with subject matter that could be considered as mundane.

So I guess, the best thing to do is be honest, although I doubt I would ever be able to write a book on my life. But, it is an interesting thing to think about. Could you write some kind of autobiographical book?

Heading to goal

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The hardest thing about being in any type of lull is getting yourself out of it. When nothing seems to be happening the way you want it to, what do you do?

I try to live in a manner where if I want something to happen, I need to make it happen. Make my own destiny. Which is a great ethos, where you are responsible for your future. When I say ‘try’, mean i agree about being my own future, but I struggle with seeing it through.

I think it is nerves that stop me. Nerves of the unknown. That anything can happen, you could risk everything, just for it to go wrong. It’s almost like I talk myself down from pushing forward, but encourage others to better. A kind of ‘do as I say, not as I do’.

I am resolving to change that. I picture myself somewhere other than being broke and unemployed. The problem with that is how to make it happen. There are so many directions that I could go down, do I pick one thing, or is it better to give myself to several options, and see what works out. I mean, if I work hard, something should pay off, shouldn’t it?

I need to take a deep breath, get my head down and push myself. Getting myself out of this rut, is one of the biggest challenge I have ever faced.

Fearing Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Time flies, doesn’t it?

One minute you are wasting seemingly endless summer holidays with neighbourhood kids, and the next you are plotting celebrations for your 30th birthday. The idea of my youth, was that I would grow up, be fiercely independent and have wild parties to indie rock bands whilst sipping on a cold alcoholic beverage of choice. It is with a crestfallen heart that I admit that my high flung ideals of adulthood have to come to light.

There is nothing in  particular that has stopped me from achieving my idealistic view of growing up, it is just life getting in the way. Being out of employment is just the icing on the cake, of the grand joke that something called fate has in mind, for me. The only changes that I have in my life, are ones that I could really do without. They are the kind of changes that have you worrying about ‘what is the meaning of it all’. Something that I haven’t found a suitable answer for.

I feel that this is why I don’t look to favourably upon change. I have this unrealistic need to live in the past, where I have this blinkered view that things were better. They weren’t. Coping with things just now is nothing something I do well, so from where I am situated, I it is easier to focus on things in my past that make me happy. I think that is why I am quite childish in a lot of aspects. I’d prefer to watch cartoons and listen to music, rather than deal with the Inland Revenue. Despite the volume of changes that have happened so far in 2013, I am afraid of stepping to the unknown to do something else, in case I really have had it too easy, and fate wants to teach me that.

If I am to be brutally honest, I don’t really believe in ‘fate’, a person makes their own life. It’s just every attempt I have made to get my life in gear, something has happened that has sent me right to the back of the grid, and it seems much too hard to try again. Maybe a little self-belief will help me get things into some kind of order.

But isn’t that what everyone needs? A little self-belief.

Over Whelmed

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The world NEVER switches off. No matter what time of day it is where you are, it is ‘rush hour’ somewhere. 

It is something that used to amaze me when I was younger. That when I was asleep, people where at school, having meals and working away. When you get to that realisation, it opens you up to thinking about a world outside your own personal ‘bubble’. There is a whole new world full of different behaviours, thoughts and lifestyles out there that we can be completely oblivious happen to. 

Even as an adult, the idea that there are communities completely different to the one I grew up in, has the capacity to freak me out a little. It’s not that I am feeling weird about people having a different way of living than me, it is the sheer scale of the variety that is out there. It’s just that there are so many cultures in the world, that people spend their whole lives trying to learn about. And then, these cultures, they all have their own history, which is another lifetime worth of studies worth. 

I think it can seem a bit over whelming when you think that nobody knows everything about the world. It makes me feel rather insignificant. Which is not as negative as it seems. As well as making the successes in life seem immaterial in the grand scheme of things, it also makes the failures seem super-small. As a person who mostly focuses on the negative things in her life, the fact that it is so tiny and irrelevant in regards to global events, it sometimes makes me feel better. That people make it through worse than I do every day, so maybe I can do something about my life.

It staggers me sometimes, that I get overwhelmed with my life, and nothing of value really happens there. I couldn’t imagine if I had to control a country or something on a global scale, because I don’t know if my wee bubble will expand enough to let everything in that needs to be there. I stress out organising my own life, imagine organising life for thousands or even millions of people?

Conclusion: with my organisational skills, it is best that I stay single and shout at Paris Gellar on my ipad as I watch yet another episode of Gilmore Girls. That I can deal with. Not Paris, she annoys me in a way that I can only express as love to hate her. And, yes, I know that she is a fictional character. She provides my bubble world with a villain, where the hero is Yoshi who drives his stupid Kart slower than everyone else. No matter how much I press that ‘A’ button, he doesn’t go any faster. There is a metaphor for my life in there somewhere. 

Falling on Deaf Ears

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometime’s I feel that what I type here, gets ignored. It is something that is said to me a lot, as if it demeans the meaning of the words that I write.

But it doesn’t.
I write this blog because I want to. Because it helps clear my head, and it is a place where I can say what I want to. The idea that someone might read what I write is nice, but it isn’t for anyone else. If someone sees it, and thinks ‘I can write better than that’, then great. They can start their own blog, and talk about what matters to them.

I started this blog to document my personal journey to becoming a graphic designer. My plan has kind of been uprouted, more than once. And right now I am unemployed, trying to get work, and trying to get a passion for life again. It is more than money, it is about feeling satisfied. And I hope, that as well as recording what I have done in the last few years, it will record my life as I get back on my feet. That isn’t for the purpose of anyone else, really. Someone may read this blog, and see that feelings and things all come in cycles. There are good times and bad times, and all people can do is to ride it out. And this site is proof to myself that I can get through it.
I am not where I want to be yet, but my journey is far from over, so this blog will continue. And I will try to be as honest as possible doing it.

Its All A Reaction

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everything effects everything else.

People don’t want to admit it, or they fail to acknowlege it. I have no idea why, but when you are at a loss at life in general, this can have a calming effect. That, what you are experiencing is simply a reaction from something else.

The world looks washed out and dark, when there are grey overcast skys. When a person cries, they may feel a sense of clarity that only comes from being highly emotional. They are all reactions. I have started to think of my periods of sadness, as just reactions. Something that happens. It doesn’t happen because I am stupid or faulty. It happens because I am human, and we have the ability to get crazy emotions over anything.

I have depression that I carry with me every day. But, I don’t want it analysed and for me to demeaned over it. I want it to be shrugged off as a way that I react, and I want to be treated normal. So my brain reacts to things different that some people, doesn’t change anything. And thinking like that helps me deal.

Falling

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Here I am
Standing alone
Degrading thoughts pounding my mind
Feeling like the worst person, for doing nothing
Looking for someone to lean on, and finding myself falling to the cold ground
No one to pick me up
No strength to do it myself
Focusing on past failures
Unable to see a future
Feeling worthless and utterly alone

I cry
My eyes become raw
My head starts to ache
My heart is broken,
There is no way out
This cloud won’t clear

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Journal entry from 2008, when I was at college, when depression started to hit me hard. I was struggling for something to post today, which lead to me reading through some old journals. When I was low, I always turned to either writing or drawing to help me let out my feelings. The best thing about being able to express things in such a way, that I have the opportunity to look back at everything that I felt, however melodramatic it may seem.

Depression is hard. But it can sometimes make me feel better to see that I can get better when things get bad, that I can actually see that things can get better. It’s about finding ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.

Lost

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These feelings are a cycle.

They go back and forth. Sometimes, I feel inspired and happy. Other times, I feel like I am so lost. I think it is because as time is continuing forward, I don’t seem to be moving anywhere. I am stagnant.

I sometimes struggle to even keep my head above water. And, it’s hard to put it into words, to explain it to others. I think the idea of what one feels as success, can be measured in different ways. I always considered myself successful in a degree, because I had a job, I had some kind of purpose. And since my job has been taken out of the equation, I have struggled to find a sense of purpose.

I send away to job advertisements, of which I get no reply to. I sit with my sketchbook and stare at the empty pages, not knowing what to create. Or open blog posts, like I have done over the last few weeks, and write nothing. It’s hard, because when I have had bad times at work, my creativity was always something that helped give me direction and perspective. So without these things, I have struggled over the last few weeks.

I know that reading this, you will look at my blog and see that everything has been along the same ‘lack of direction’. I feel that at least writing about it helps me, or I hope it does. I have a few things in the pipeline, so hopefully things will pick up. If you read this, how do you deal with feeling a lack of direction in your life?