Tag: personal

Bad At Being Sick

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There are things that have changed as I have got older. I try to save money every time I get paid. I always try to better myself. And I am comfortable about who I am as a person.  Despite this, I still act like a wee girl when I get ill.

I am writing this from my bed, where my body seems to be trying to make me cough up a lung. It has been for the last few weeks. I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself. It’s one of those things where no matter how much medicine I get, the cough doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. And it’s one of those things where there is a constant irritation that won’t seem to go away. My breath catches in my irritated throat and I get into a coughing fit. 

Its one of those things that happens every now and then. I guess the weekend ahead is going to be a quiet one. I’ll try and catch up on sleep, and find something to calm down this tickle throat. This is not how I expected my weekends to be when I was younger *sigh*

Get To Know Me (BEDA)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

**I have been getting no sleep recently, so thought I’d post a wee questionnaire as my brain isn’t functioning enough to write anything proper**

1- What does the last text you sent say? And to whom? Was to my friend, Gemma, letting her know I was off the bus and heading round to hers.

2-  What does the last text you recieved say? And from whom? From EE, telling me my phone bill was ready to view.

3- What time do you wake up most mornings? 6am, I start work at 8. If I am off work I usually wake up before 9am.

4- Are you afraid of walking alone at night? No. Never have had any fear of going anywhere on my one. 

5- What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day? If it has been a really bad day, I love to have a bath.

6- Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? 😶

7- Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? Nope. I was really quiet at school, kept myself to myself.

8- Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so? I work at a warehouse, it’s not the best job. But there is great people there and I get a lot of time to think.

9-  Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos? Sometimes. I am not too ‘quick on the draw’ so I’ll normally pick up once someone else laughs.

10- Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking? Not really. I have read stories of others which has caused me to re-evaluated my own life. Particularly when learning about those lives so different from my own.

11- What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? The natural world. It makes me feel so insignificant, and I find that super comforting. 

12- Do you usually initiate hugs? No! I feel super awkward, and don’t like imposing myself into someone else’s personal space.

13- What are you looking forward to? I am going on holiday to Portugal in October to watch Scotland play international football. So excited.

14- Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more? I have 7 tattoos, and have been craving a new one for a while. But I need to decide on a design first. 

15- Are you mentally strong? Kind of. I struggle with both depression and social anxiety, and I can struggle when things get stressful. But, I don’t give up. I have always worked hard, and haven’t been taken time away from work with mental health days. Although sometimes I have needed it.

16- Are you physically strong? Nope. 

17- Do you think you’re a good person? I always like to think I will always try to do good things. 

18- Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. I always wish I had stuck in at school more, and followed my gut more. I became very apathetic with education, despite carrying on with it. I wish I had left it, and just worked hard. I just needed to believe that there is always time to go back to education later. 

Hard Done By

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes people get different opportunities to you. Be it at work or school, if someone gets to do something you’ve had your eye on, it can be hard to accept. It can sometimes feel like you are getting overlooked and certain people are being favoured. We all know the type of person who sucks up to teachers and managers with an aim to get what they want. The people who act best pals with those higher than them, because they think it gives them opportunities. 

I have been thinking about this recently, most because I feel overlooked at work. And when I know I am working hard, it can be difficult to acknowledge that I am not good enough for something. It seems to make it even harder to acknowledge when someone else seems to get everything I am looking for. It just makes me feel sorry for myself, because I am not getting the opertunity to do what I want. And it seems to make work a drag, as I feel under appreciated. And this person, getting what I want, doesn’t seem to be doing anything different to me. So I assume it has to be favouritism that has got this person to where they are. A sense that most people will feel at some time of their lives, usually where there is competition for roles. 

I was working away one day, and was thinking about ‘favouritism’ at work. It is highly likely that it is not a thing that is actually happening, just something in my mind. Because I feel I am working hard I feel I deserve recognition. It’s almost as if someone is getting to do what I want, there must be a reason for it. It’s like my brain won’t accept that I am not suited to a role or that someone else may be better at it than me. I always seem to take things too personal, and think it’s just because a person is friendly with a manager.

This makes me feel guilty, because I don’t want to feel against someone who is just doing their job well. Maybe all I need to do is change the goals I see in front of me. If I can’t get what I want, I should change what I wan to something more achievable for me. And I guess that’s my advice for anyone who ever finds themselves in that situation. You spend a large portion of your life in school or work, and it is a lot of time if you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself because of what others are doing. 

Saying Nothing

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes it’s hard to find something to say. There are thoughts flying around in your head, but nothing you want to share outloud.  In a world where every inch of life is shared on the Internet, how do you make the decision on what is important enough to ‘make the cut’ onto Facebook or Tumblr? What thoughts are important enough to be made public knowledge? 

Personally, I know that my brain doesn’t stop, and my thoughts can become quite a mess to muddle through at times. And as a person who likes to write about their feelings, it can become particularly annoying to know what is good content and what is just rubbish. I know that a lot of what I talk about on here may seem like rubbish to many, but it is therapeutic. It helps me to carry on with my day-to-day life, I can focus easier when all the bumpf is out of my head. 

But that’s it, what I share, the bumpf, is just thoughts and musing that I have. I don’t really like being to honest about actual details of my life online, because it’s private. And because when it gets down to the details, it usually involves other people. And that’s the thing about sharing details, sometimes they aren’t just yours to share. But your thoughts, they belong to you. You formulated them at some point, and they, unlike actual life details, wholly belong to you. So, I find it easier to share thoughts. I write them down, then I can select what I want to write down. That way, my blogs and social media aren’t swamped with the ‘poor me’ that usually takes up my mind.

I think a lot of people, particularly on Facebook, share every little detail. And whilst seeing tidbits of people’s life is cool, i don’t need to see arguments with the neighbour down the road because they pissed you off the other day. Too many people have huge family fall outs because of rubbish someone posts on Facebook. I just don’t understand why anyone wants to display such information online. Maybe it’s because I have always used social media to help myself personally, not to gossip or start fights. And I do think there is a distinction, although some might not. 

#DearMe – A letter to teenage Sue

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Hi.

I know that people are harsh, but try and put what they say behind you. These people may think they are better than you at High School, but they aren’t. A lot of these people, who you cry over, won’t be a part of your life after School. Rather than waste your evenings crying over what these people say, spend you time with your actual friends, that actually like you. Some of those friends will live far away in the future, so make sure you spend as much time with them as you can.

Don’t make yourself feel bad for your body shape. You have never been stick thin, and that isn’t a bad thing. Every person is different, and no difference is better than another. You give up sports because you don’t like how you look, don’t do that. Keep playing football and rugby because you love it, don’t let the remarks of others stop you. Also, binge eating doesn’t stop what people say about you, and it always ends up making things feel worse.

Work hard. School becomes a miserable place, and it even puts you off reading, even though you have always loved reading. Pick classes you are interested in, and work on them. Don’t do  filler classes just so that you are in classes with friends. Although it seems fun, it is a bloody distraction. It is part of the reason that you struggle at school, and the ‘laziness’ habit you get into causes a problem when you hit college.

You have quirks. You like books, computer games and cartoons, and that’s okay. Everyone has interests and hobbies, all that matters are that yours make you happy. Be proud of who you are, experiment with everything in your life, and find out what works for you. Have fun, don’t force yourself into situations which makes you feel horrible. The questions and doubts you have about your sexuality aren’t bad, you just are a bit scared because there is noone to talk to. Your friends will support you, so talk to them about it, don’t let it batter away at your confidence.

Please remember, you are worthy of love, happiness and the life you dream. Enjoy your teenage years, and have fun.

Love Older You

_______

The #DearMe project is actually a Youtube project, but due to me having an issue with a corrupted memory card, I thought I’d blog it. It aims to inspire and motivate young women everywhere. The advice you would give You, may help someone going through those issues now. The video for the campaign on Youtube is over here. The campaign started yesterday, which was International Women’s Day, so it’s a little late.

Is there any advice that you would give to your teenage self?

On The Verge

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have explained before that I have been sick recently. I feel like I am over the worst, but the virus that I had is still lingering. This isn’t the best way to be. I feel like I can get back to normal, but I still have a bit of a fever and my skin is sensitive. This is all means I am back to normal in a working sense, but my body doesn’t like it much.

Times like this make it hard to stay motivated. Because it’s like your mind is willing, but your body isn’t able. It’s frustrating because the things I am trying to do, are leaving me exhausted because I don’t have my normal energy levels. I am trying to just get on with things, but it’s very easy to get frustrated about it. The hard bit is not being to hard on myself for finding normal stuff harder.

All I have to do is get my head down and get on with things. Hopefully I get rid of what’s left of this virus, and can get back normal. I just have to keep busy.

Returner Returns

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am sorry there have been no posts in the last week. I have been ill with a horrible virus, which has taken my appetite, whilst covering me head to toe with a rather attractive rash. I’ll be honest, I haven’t been to focus on anything bar my itchy skin. The few days where I was able to thing productively, I couldn’t look at a computer or phone screen for 5 minutes before my head started thumping. So, nothing has been done at all, which is something that gets me really depressed.

I hate it. I like feel I need a sense of purpose for me to be happy. Which may seem silly, but I can’t really help it. I know that one of the easiest things to settle my mind and lift my mood is to feel like I have achieved something. Which is why to-do lists litter my day-to-day life, so that I can actually push myself forwards through every day. It stops me from becoming overwhelmed by things. And when I had no way to even figure out a to-do list because I had no energy, and so it added a feeling of failure on top of feeling like rubbish.

So, I have decided that a week off was the best thing for me do. Things happen, and commitments need to change as result. And for someone who relies on routine so much, this is a good thing. I haven’t once berated myself because I didn’t post last week. It may sound trivial, but that is something rather revolutionary for me. It doesn’t take much for me to start feeling bad, and it happens all the time. So, I am rather pleased that, for once, I made a conscious decision to not even think about it. There was nothing I could do about being ill, and not being able to sit in front of a computer. It is a thing that happened. The important thing is, that I am now feeling more normal. I am wanting to get back into routine again, and get life back to normal.

Hope anyone reading is doing okay, and that you have had better luck than I have recently.

Achievement Unlocked

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you do when you achieve something?
How do you celebrate?

I was having a think today about how I am making effort to eat a bit healthier. I made a couple of good choices over the last few days, and I should really be happy about it. But, I am so used to my plans falling apart that the fact I was sticking to what I intended was ignored. I barely registered that I had done anything right. Which considering how much I beat myself up when I fail, you’d think I’d celebrate doing something right. But I don’t.

This made me feel a bit strange. Uncomfortable, even. How could I focus so much on the negative, and ignore when something goes well? After talking to a couple people at work, it seems that I am not alone. People can be overly harsh if they miss a target, but don’t do anything if they achieve it. Considering the amount of resolution failures there are at this time of year, you’d thing people would make a deal about actually seeing something through.

When I had my food, with no snacking I felt good. And I spent a little time just thinking ‘well done’ to myself. Food is a big issue with me, and always has been. I eat whenever i fancy, so to hold back is a big achievement. Particularly when food is staring at me all over the house. It makes me sad that I don’t act proud of myself when I do well. It’s even more horrible when you think that other people do that too. Praise yourself, you earned it.

Depression Diaries: Working Away

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Depression is a strange thing to live with. For weeks at a time you can be struggling to even get up in the morning. It never really lifts, but there are days where I can put up with it, and kind of work around it. Days where I feel as normal as I can get. When I don’t feel like crying at all through the day, where I can speak to people without wanting to crawl into a dark corner for wasting their time. But whatever I feel, I do my best to get up and go to work. It’s the one thing I try to promise myself, to go to work, and at least I have achieved something no matter how crap the day ends up. Though I have phoned in sick, it doesn’t happen very regularly.

I work in a warehouse, and by looking at my blog title and things you’d notice that wasn’t my plan. But, needs must, and at least I know I have regular income. Unfortunately, not everyone sees jobs like that. Some people have a snobbish look at jobs that they view as ‘below’ them. And I have people asking me why I’d bother working at a warehouse. They imply that for a person to work there means that there is something wrong with that person. It’s almost like they are saying that a person has to be ‘stupid’ to work in this warehouse, and be content.

This should be an easy comment to brush off, because why should someone else’s opinion matter? But it does. It’s another reason to feel to feel like a failure. Like, it is a basic job, anyone can do it. I don’t add anything to the job, and no one would notice if I wouldn’t go back. My brain goes into this spiral where my thoughts are just berating everything that I do and how everything is just a waste of time. And it is honestly horrible. I have this instilled thought that I just waste people’s time, so just end up spending time alone. And to think that even the medial task of working a basic job is worthless, it just makes me want to hide from everything.

I am writing this after taking some thinking time over how bad attitudes about my job make me feel. I have tried to look around the negative feelings, and find something a bit better. The conclusion that I came to was that everyone expects things to be done for them. Whether you visit a coffee shop for a Mocha or clear out your rubbish bin, there is someone there that makes things happen. Someone makes your coffee, and someone collects all the rubbish to take to refuge. Everything that happens in modern day life happens because someone makes it happen. Even when you do things online, someone makes that dress you order get to your door. People make things happen, and without the people doing the medial tasks, things wouldn’t happen. At all. Every job has a purpose, every person has a purpose. Maybe rather than tearing apart those around us, we should recognise that people do shitty jobs and there is no shame in it. I need to remember that sometime.

Sick Day

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am currently on a sick day from work, thanks to a canteen breakfast and a dodgy stomach. I am an awful person at being ill, there are tears, snot, moaning, all the kind of thing that makes me great to be around. Which is why I usually lock myself away when I feel rotten. Bring ill can give you a bit of a chance to do somethings that make you feel a bit better, all those things that you might not get the chance to do normally, particularly at this time of the year, where there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to do what you need.

So here’s a few things I like to do when I feel pretty rotten.

1)Watch a feel-good movie. Today I am watching Moulin Rouge, which always has cheered me up. I love the music in it, and it always gets me moving. I just love the twists on all the pop songs, and the tragic story. It’s very stereotypical for a musical, but still loads of fun. Disney movies are also very popular when I am under the weather. I think it’s because I like something where I don’t have to think to hard about. And, I seem to prefer something that I have seen loads of times, one of those films a person treasures and has owned multiple copies of in their lifetime.

2)Read a good book. Wrapped up in a duvet or spending time in the bath. If you are feeling a bit worse-for-wear, getting lost in a world so different to the the real one. I prefer books which have a plot I can get lost in. A book where I find myself addicted and reading chapter after chapter, and it takes your mind away from the awful way you feel.

3)Sleep. The best way to allow your body to recover, is to try and sleep. Spend the day in bed, wrapped up and relaxed. I remember to being told by my Mum, back when I was young, that by saving energy by not walking around, the energy can be better spent helping you get better. I have no idea whether that is true or not, but I know that I do certainly feel better after a bit longer in bed.

4)Light a few candles. If you have been sleeping, then maybe more fragrance defusers, but still the same effect. Some scents, such as lavender are very relaxing, and some believe that they could ease recoveries from mild illness. I have always found this very helpful when I have had the flu previously, as sometimes light fragrances can help ease headaches and such.

Everyone has different comforts when they are ill, but these are the main ones I use. I hope that this is the tail end of whatever bug I have got, and can then get back to normal. What about any readers, what makes you feel better when you are ill?