Tag: life

Very Boring

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do I seem interesting?

With the immense time I put in to being an internet addict, probably not. Well, a little lie there, I actually find myself very interesting. I love my patterns of reading, blogging and TV. I say TV, because now my Sky+ is working properly mixed with Sky working on Xbox again, I have started watching a lot of TV. Most of it is The Gilmore Girls, but still, good quality, healthy TV.

The TV shows I like have to have good dialog and well written and developed characters. I like the fact that you can judge a character, because you have come to know their personality. I think it comes from a life a bookworm, where I did nothing but read for days on end. Not much has changed really, accept now, I tend to use writing to express myself more. It seems rather logical putting my loves for reading and writing together, but it didn’t happen that naturally. I liked to do things on my own, and write because I wanted to. When school became about essays and exams, it stopped being about writing for fun. It started to have a purpose. A purpose which was that I was writing for a meaningless grade.

That sounds bad. Grades aren’t meaningless. But I put a lot of love into what I wrote, and I didn’t like that it was graded and treating like a piece of crap, where all the feeling was sucked out of any piece, just so that the flaws (mostly in grammar) could be picked at. It was a bit of a change in things. Writing at school, became less a labour of love, and more a dementor. (5 points for HP reference.) And it made me think, ‘why’. Why did I have to put so much of ‘me’ into things, just for it to be torn to shreds because of my technical ability.

Through writing on my own, on blogs, etc, I have bettered myself in my grammar. I have become a better writer, but that is through reading a lot of novels, and writing a lot of pieces on other sites. Writing blogs has helped me a lot, in being an aide to help me find the words I need to express myself. The fact that I can put my thoughts across, and do it in such a way (I hope) people can pick up on what I am like, and how I feel. And that is a spiritual thing. The fact that you can connect to so many people, where age and country bare no significance.

Some say I am boring, and lead a boring life. I ask them, what do you do that gives you passion? What do you do, that makes you happy to be alive? What do you do to communicate with like-minded individuals? The internet helps me achieve all that and more, people only mock because they don’t know how to do what you do.

Gather Thoughts

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think that everyone has certain points of their life, where they slow down and evaluate their existence and place in the world.

Due to the high volume of time I spend on my own, this happens a lot to me. I find myself looking at what others are doing, and then look upon my own life. This, obviously, gets in a rather low mood. I guess when looking at other people, I have the habit of focusing on their successes, whilst looking at my failures. Trust me, I have a lot of failure.

I’m trying not to go into too much self-wallowing detail, seeing as I have already had more than one rant about it on other blogging services I use. I guess, I like to use this blog to help me think more constructive than destructive. Like, to try and rationalise the crazy which is bouncing around in my brain.  And I’ll tell you something, it helps. It helps that I have a place to write weepy, mopy blogs, but then I have this, where I can try and be a bit more thoughtful about my feelings.

I guess emotion really is like a rollercoaster, just as the Ronan Keating abomination says. I think I want to say to anyone reading, if you feel depressed about something, let it out.  It is okay to be sad. I think that as soon as you accept it, things become a lot more manageable. At the moment, my depression, and how I act with it, is the big change. And although I complain about work, I guess, learning to deal with myself is the big thing. I can now cope with my irrational mood swings and crying for no reason. I know that if I keep on trudging on, I do feel better.

The Longest Bus Journey EVER!!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Or it felt like it.
Since the escapades of Friday (if you don’t know what I am talking about, read the previous entry), I have been slowly calming down. Seeing as I was in complete shock, and COULD NOT stop shaking. Yesterday was fairly quiet, and despite the fact I wanted to go back out, I felt nervous and told myself I wanted to relax at home. I wish I could say it was nice, but I had so much time to think. The very thought of going outside on my own made my heart beat faster. I did venture out with my mum and sister, but that was just to the High Street, and it only took 20 minutes. So I was housebound, self-inflicted, and spent the day trying to distract myself from going over the previous days events in my head.

This kind of failed, and the events kept on playing out in my mind pretty, much in a continuous loop. So I woke up today, and decided I would venture out. This would have been good, if I wasn’t so nervous, and despite much begging to other people to get them to accompany me, I still ended up on my own. So I decided to bite the bullet, and travel through to Kirkcaldy on my own. Something I had in my head, but was actually shitting myself at the prospect.

Now, I am a very independent person, in that I am very good in my own company. Sometimes I actually thrive in it. I go to gigs on my own, go on holiday, go shopping, I pretty much live a solitary existence. Which is fine by me. I like being in my own head, usually. But today I felt like I needed someone to distract me from my thoughts. But, it didn’t happen, so I decided I’d and go out on my own. Again, I should mention I was still really nervous about going out of the town where I live, as the last time that happened I swear my life flashed before my eyes. I got on the bus at the end of the street and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. Today the book was my only ally against this fear which was building up to the point my heart was racing. But the distraction didn’t really make any difference. The bus journey of about 45 minutes felt like hours. And as I got closer to my destination, I was shaking. It seems a bit melodramatic now, but I was shit scared of being somewhere on my own, and have something happen again.

But, of course, I got to Kirkcaldy and nothing notable happened. I didn’t even find anything I wanted. Whilst this seems a bit pointless writing this into a blog entry, I felt it was needed. The relief I felt when nothing happened as I walked around the shopping centre was immense. To know that nothing had changed, and I could still carry on as normal. When your confidence takes a knock, you are always told to ‘get back on the horse’. Well, my horse was a bus, and I am so glad that I did it. Whilst I am still slightly jumpy, I am happy I did go out on my own. And at the end of it, when I was waiting for the bus, it became the fear that was driving me to leave my comfort zone.

Some people believe that fear is a good thing. Everyone has a fright now and then, and it is how you deal with the frights that decides what kind of person you are. And I guess I am determined, but ask anyone I know, and they’ll tell you that. I’ll do what I want, no matter what stands in my way. And I am happy to report, that whilst I may be a bit more attentive to my surroundings, I’m not going to let my life change.

Can I hate you, cause you’re not like me?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

The brutal truth of why most people act the way they do, is because other people are different to them. Seems a little obscene, but it’s true. No matter how much people bother about being ‘themselves’, they will always try and pass judgement and be judge themselves. And everyone does it. It is something embedded into our psyche, to judge things, whether it be a positive or negative judgement is irrelevant. But people think that judgement starts and stops with things such as TV shows, music and books, but don’t acknowledge that they pick apart fashion and the people wearing the fashion a LOT more than they do anything else. It is a simple thing of like/dislike, where in nature, if a creature doesn’t like something, it will no longer associate itself with it. And that is a behaviour trait that people, as animals, still have to this very date.

This is not normally cause by any form of malicious intent, but by because someone is maybe wearing something that is not to your taste. It is what you do with these thoughts. Most of the time, people think their judgement, and that’s it. Nothing else is done. The trouble is, when people start voicing their judgement. Because we like to think negatively about something, mostly to try and make ourselves seem more superior, it’s part of human nature. But if you receive any negative judgement, it is hard to tell yourself that is ‘just opinion’. Sometimes, against better judgement you react, almost like you are being encouraged to. This reinforces the ‘judger’s’ behaviour because they can then see that they can evoke reaction off people. As if getting a reaction is what it’s all about.

This is a basis of what every person does in their life. You live your life on doing things you like that make you happy, and stay away from things you don’t like. It’s just that it has been taken to the point, that people seem to use likes and dislikes as weapons against each other.. There is no harm in deciding that you think someone looks silly in what they are wearing, but what does voicing it to the person in question really achieve. Does it turn your life into a success? No! Does it make the other person thank you for changing her life with your observation? No! You will offend the person, and nothing will change in your life whatsoever. So because there is no real reason for giving judgement on another person, why do it? And why make a spectacle of yourself whilst doing it?

I am rambling like this because I want to know what would make a person give verbal abuse to another person without being provoked? Why would you choose, as an adult man, to get a friend and threaten a girl who is on her own? That isn’t the kind of natural behaviour I can understand. Maybe it’s because I am stupid or maybe it’s because I would never ever want to make anyone feel like they made me feel. Why I lost a day of work because I was in shock that two men 6/7 years older than me (makes them 33/34) verbally abused me to the point I thought they were going to kill me. And that I was still shaking 6 hours later, and crying when anyone asked me what happened. I was terrified that people were going to tell me to ‘stand up for myself’, when I knew that having two adults scream in your face so badly the police were called, was not anything I really wanted to stand up to. Especially when no-one came up to try and help me. They could have punched me, and I could have done nothing. I don’t know who the guys were, and know nothing that apparently they were ‘off their faces’ on drugs.

I can honestly say, I have never been so scared in my life. And I can’t think of anything that can make sense of why they did it. But other than because I looked different to them, I just can’t understand it.

Invisable Path

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every so often, I, like most, find myself pondering my future once in a while. As someone whose current state of existence probably sees her dubbed as a ‘basement dweller’, despite having no basement, I feel a bit depressed when I start thinking about the future.

I think it is because all these ideas I used to have about my life, have failed to materialise into anything substantial. I mean, yes I can paint a picture and edit it on a computer, but NEWS FLASH, unless you have the best qualifications and/or know someone, then you are kinda restricted in that field, Restricted in that people seem to refuse to pay for work, and expect everything for free. Which is ignorant. Do people think I went through the effort of an education, just to give them freebies?

I guess the main reason I am evaluating my life right now, is because it seems a natural contemplation point, seeing as it almost a year since I left college, and not very much has changed. Okay, some things have changed. For instance, mentally I am in a 100% better place than I was 12 months ago. I just feel a lot more free than what I used to, like I am not so restricted anymore. Does that make sense? I feel like I am in a better place, mentally, to cope with problems. Well, I can cope a little better than what I used to. I will still crack up, because apparently cracking up over stupid things is what I do.

I guess I am at a stage where I want to run off into the fields and frolic around like a happy person, but I can’t really see what is in the field, and that holds me back. Worst imagery ever? Probably. I guess it’s like I have one foot ready to go on new adventures, where the other foot is content being where it is. Wow, even worse imagery.

I don’t even know what point I am trying to make. I guess, it’s that I am at the stage where I am looking for something else, something new, and everything that is ahead seems really different. And that little shy kid I used to be, comes to the forefront and decides that it is safer staying put. And I end up feeling confused, and I stress my self out stupidly. I know A LOT of people who are finishing school and they are expressing the distress and confusion I am currently feeling. But, I feel I should let them know, as long as you follow your heart, and do something you want to, you won’t regret what you chose to do. People will call me a waste for being where I am at the age of 27, but I feel accomplished that I have tried so hard at everything I wanted to do. It didn’t all pan out, but I have no regrets about it.

‘Born And Raised By Hyporcrits’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember being an eager student in Primary School and being told that I could be and do whatever I wanted. Of course the endless ‘rules’ of the classroom and having to blindly obey a teacher without reasoning, left me feeling a bit lost. It was like, ‘yes, do what you want, but not in the school’s time’. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t the brightest person in my class, but I certainly wasn’t the most stupid. I always did a lot of reading in my own time, I liked to try and push myself, so the idea that school wanted us to ‘try, but not too hard’ was a bit much for me. And in the end, the mixed signals left me jaded, and that by the time I finished school, I didn’t care too much about the whole thing.

Whilst I like to think that in adulthood, things have changed, and people can be more open and honest with each other, I know this doesn’t happen. The big thing is I notice that those around me seem willing to compromise on things so important as ethics. Ethics and beliefs are what make us, us. And yet people are willing throw such things aside, especially if it means it would mean using a little effort. The big thing is buying products, I’m pretty sure that everyone would love to make sure that they people who make it possible to enjoy said products, were paid fairly. But this doesn’t happen, unless you buy specialist products. People tend to believe in the idea of people getting more money for producing things like clothing, but they won’t pay any more so will still shop in cheaper shops like Primark. It means they are being contradictory, saying one thing, but doing the opposite.

I mean going back to my youth, you were told to live by your convictions, but noone followed up on them. Even religion, I went and enjoyed church and Sunday school as a kid. I loved books, and a lot of the things we did, was reading or even better arts and crafts. I thought it was awesome. Now although my family will cite Church of Scotland as their religion, none of them could tell you anything they learned from the bible or the last time they went to church. I, now as an adult tend to abstain from religion, as I don’t like the idea of following something blindly. I have read up on other religions, and do like seeing the lessons they have to teach, but I don’t pray nor ask anyone for forgiveness. But then, the hypocrisy is that I will still celebrate Christmas. And I know a lot of people, who are very similar to me in that respect.

I guess it’s all a bit of a minefield. It’s hard to deal with ethics and morality, if you have been given mixed signals all your life.

Posi-Day 5: It’s Monday, Not Moanday

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So still going strong. I am feeling a bit low today, but I am focusing on topics that make me happy. I am aware that over the next month or so, as I do this project thing, I know there is maybe a lack of substance of my input. This isn’t something I feel I should have to apologise for, as this is something important to me and my development.

The main reason I decided to do this, is because I have recently been talking about how a person can’t complain about their situation, if they don’t try anything to try and fix it. So, in keeping with that thought, I decided to try and kick my negative attitude to the curb. Depression is something that I have struggled with for most of my adult life, albeit in varying levels. I started thinking that part of the issue was that my brain was trained to think bad of life. I mean everywhere you go, someone is moaning about something, and that has to have an effect on you.

So the PMA thing is really about retraining yourself, in how you think. It is harder than what you may think. It’s like, if you are faced with a negative situation, you have to try and look at a positive about that situation. I’ll be honest, it isn’t something that comes easy to me, as over the years I find that I have become a cynic about everything. So, I am really having to work hard on this.

I really do think, that even after just 5 days, I am getting a little bit more optimistic. I am finding it easier to get up and do things, rather than lying in bed thinking ‘what’s the point’. And that is a huge improvement for me. I know I am gonna have days where I may find it impossible to be positive, but I just need to keep faith, that it will pick up again, and keep my head up.

Posi-Day 1–Caffine Overload

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So.
New thing, inspired by the wonderful people I spend my life talking to, and to my work who is ‘pushing the positive’ at the moment. I am giving it a solid attempt to wipe the negativity out of my life. I am aware it may sound a little lame, but it is proven that if you look on the positive side of life, then you will find more positive things will happen to you.

So, I am trying to see if that works.
Now, right now, due to a severe lack of sleep and too much coffee, it is very easy to be positive. In fact, I am bouncing of the walls with hyperness. Whilst I know I am not the best at achieving things, I am trying to set myself small tasks, which will ultimately lead up to a bigger goal. So that will also see more positives, as I am more likely to achieve these small tasks, and that makes me happier.

And also, I am trying to focus on what is in front of me, and not what I know is happening elsewhere. Whilst I know this seems selfish, but I have always spent way too much of my time worrying about things I can do nothing about. So by worrying about things I can change, I am hoping that I will be moved to change things.

An example about small change, is my weight. I usually get depressed, because I have always had the physique of a sack of potatoes. But, what I am trying to do, is rather than focus on that, do little things, such as walking to work everyday, and focus on how good that makes me feel, rather the fact that I can’t drop a few pounds. The hope is, that if I can get myself feeling positive about exercise, I will actually have an urge to go out for a run or something. Again, it’s going to take time to see if that works.

Anarchy Camp!

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

What is anarchy?

Would an anarchist society work?

Anarchy is really living a life without rules. It’s about not answering to anyone, other than yourself. So if you lived in an anarchist society, you would be forced to be self-sufficent. You wouldn’t be able to scrounge of the government, because there wouldn’t be one. If you wanted something, you’d have to go out an get it.

This, as an idealism, sounds really positive, something that would encourage people to take responsibility for themselves, and not blame their worthless existance on those around them. But it would also mean no order. So whilst you will have people who would go and work for what they want, you would also have people who will not work, and just steal what others have worked for. This would then lead the ‘victim’ to look to punish the person who profited from their hard work. And this…is order. Something that true anarchism is against.

So it’s hard to see how an anarchist society would work, as people automatically will try and establish some kind of order to the chaos, therefore taking away from the level of chaos. It is something that makes people feel safe. It’s similar to the whole ‘knowledge is power’ mantra. If you know how a particular person (or group of people) is supposed to act, then it is settling, makes a person feel better. It’s like we are built in a way, that if we are aware of what is going on in the world, we will live happier in our own lives.

So whilst anarchism comes across as a nice idea, we will get to a point where we will crave the routine and the structure organised society brings. It would turn into a case of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’. Again, something which is in our nature. As people, we are constantly looking for something that works best for us, and like to think that if things did change, what would we get out of it. Everything we do, it comes down to how it would effect our lives, because that is all we know. Our own lives.

Now, I have been a part of the Scottish punk rock scene for the last 4/5 years of my life. Whilst it is centred around music, there are always going to be the fact that much of the roots of punk are based in the idea of anarchy. The degree in which people employ anarchy and punk in their lives varies, with some people spending their lives unemployed because they don’t want to conform. Others, like me, work a steady job, but try to live their life the way they want to, and fight for what they believe in. What ever part of the punk spectrum people fall into, there is no way around the fact even being unemployed is filling out a role in society.

Is the whole ‘I am unemployed because I’m an anarchist’ idea as flawed as I think it is? Most people who are unemployed get money from some kind of benefits, provided by the state. The state, get the money for these benefits from those who work and pay taxes. You form part of a system, something that anarchists are against. So unless you live off no money, don’t purchase anything at all (especially not those new Dr Martins you have there) and contribute sweet F.A. to the world around you, then NO! You are not a true anarchist.

Me, you, your neighbour? We are all part of something bigger than us, somthing that goes beyond modern society, back to our traits as pack animals. You can’t just opt out of that, because as a human, you need people around you. Contributing something, no matter how unimportant, will always make you feel distinguished because it is part of our psychology.

I have barely touched anything on this topic, and I really could go on more. I will possibly post more, but the whole ‘anarchy’ thing has been running through my head all day.

Selective Personality

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So I am sitting in front of the TV tonight, and watching You’ve Got Mail. An overly cheesey ‘chick-flick’ starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Where two people fall in love as they email each other, but they are natural enemies in real life, and hate each other.

It started me thinking about whether people show themselves honestly online. I mean, people have the ability to create this online persona of perfection, why include your flaws in that. Through a site, you can pretend you are they person that you wish you could be. You can filter out all the undesirable rubbish, and make your more favourable traits, be major features of your personality.

But then, is it our immediate surroundings that make use behave in a certain way? Is it only when we are confronted with people and situations, our personalities change into something completely different?

When we are alone, typing responses into a computer, we have time to organise our thoughts. We can respond to questions, without panicking and our brains rushing out some idle, idiotic response. We can spell check, and re-read responses, and carefully tweak them, to get the desired effect.

When actually involved in a conversation with someone, we don’t have the luxury to think of a perfect response, the thought process and the words come out quickly. And, although you may say something accidental, it really does show who a person is more. And you see a person for who they are, online there is always the chance of someone holding themselves back.

So where is a person most honest to themselves, online or IRL? Does it matter? As long as you truthful to yourself and your views, it shouldn’t matter where you encounter people.