Tag: life

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I used to always think that if you were a good person towards those around you, that people would be good to you. When I was at school, and people used to call me names, I believed it because I wasn’t being a good enough person. As bad as it seems, looking back on it, I felt such a way because  it made me feel in control of things. As if the things other’s thought or said about me, would be fixed by me acting in a certain way.

As I  became older, I obviously realised that my thinking was utter bullshit. But, feeling responsible for what happened in my life was a normal reaction. As people, I think we want to feel responsible for all that surrounds us, as if that responsibility gives us a valuable position in this world. And, I don’t know about any readers, but having a sense of responsibility helps me feel validated. Which I think is just part of human nature.

I think one of the worst things about realising that not everything that happens to you is within your control, is that your are hit with a feeling of hopelessness. That no matter, what you do and how you act, there will always be bad things that will happen to you and those around you. And I think that is a hard thing to get used to. Particularly, when you are like myself, and believe that a one’s future is something based on actions, rather than hope and luck. And, as you grow up, a big part of adulthood is accepting that some things happen just because they do, and are in no direct reaction to any action by any person. And I say it is part of adulthood, because I think it is something that takes a lot of maturity to accept.

 

Feeling Nostalgic?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I do. 

All the time. 

I crave for the days of yesteryear, where my life was not filled with finding ways to pay my bills. Where all I did is watch cartoons, and spend entire summers outside playing with my friends. Dancing to the Spice Girls and throwing Barbies up trees (for Action Man to rescue, obviously). Those where what my summers were full of. 

And now, I find myself playing Zelda and Mario games of my youth, whilst watching remakes of game shows I loved. I watch DVD box sets of Chip N Dale’s Rescue Rangers and Talespin, to remind me of a time when life was so much easier. As if consuming an entire series of Disney cartoons could, in some way, delay adulthood. 

It is of course, impossible. But as a generation of workers, with what looks like a pretty bleak future. According to the news agencies around us, we are either going to get poisoned with pollution, die in an atomic war or run out of money and lose civilisation. What can a normal person do about all that scary stuff? Not very much. So people of my generation, tend to look back at the period of their lives where everything was so exciting, before the heavy fist of reality knocked us to the ground. 

I guess I want to say, that it is okay to be nostalgic of days where you maybe felt like more of a success. Where life was really easy, because you didn’t have to deal with anything, really. The hardest thing you had to deal with, was which kid were you going to play with today. And then teenagerhood came, and everyone played the victim. We started to realise that life was maybe not all fantastic, but we could still just read books or play video games as a bid to escape. And then, you have to deal with the real world. You have to find a job, get experience, get a house or flat, have a relationship, plan for a future… It can be overwhelming. 

So as a result, more people are picking what they used to love, what made them happier in their youth, and using them as a shield against the real world. That sounds a lot worse than I mean. The world, and the companies that run it, are harsh, they don’t care about the people who pay them money. You are jostled from place to place, expected to act a certain way, and be a certain kind of person. It is normal to use something as a buffer, to act as a cushion from harsh reality, and that could be many things.  Sport, fashion, books, DIY, car care, hiking, blogging, creating art, playing computer games… all ways to help people relax and be themselves. It doesn’t matter what it is, what matters, is that you find a way that helps you cope. 

So, don’t listen if others berate you for liking certain things. All that matters is that it harms noone, and makes you happy.  And others should remember that, people pick things that make them feel secure to help them relax. If it doesn’t effect you, why be so critical on someone else?

Fight Club!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Isn’t it great when something goes your way? When all the naysayers get proved wrong and you can stand victorious, with your hands in the air.

On the route to your victory, you may have been subjected to negative comments from those around you. A willingness to beat you down, and make any success you have seem more trivial. It can be grating, and more than a little dis-spiriting. And when things do go your way, you may want to throw a self-righteous laugh in the face of your detractors. But what does that achieve?

The negative comments are made, usually because people want you to be taken down. They may feel jealous that you are getting something that you worked for. Particularly if that person is going through a patch where they feel like their life is worse than yours. Their words may hold a venom that implies that they hope you fall on your backside in failure.  But, what doesn’t help is that when you are successful, you point out how flaws from those who suggested you would fail. It can start an argument, which is based on nothing than an idea of one-up-manship that you both feel for each other. It is endless, and can sully whatever success you have worked hard for. 

If you are in a better position due to hard work, you do not have to answer to anyone. You have earned your success, so enjoy it and don’t lower yourself to the mentality of those around you, hating your success. Let them hate. Don’t let it ruin your happiness.

Passion For Fashion (And Make-up)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am a girl. And as a girl, I am supposed to like certain things such as make-up and fashion. Certain things I have no interest in.

The internet deals with the conception that all female bloggers only talk about either fashion or make-up. I am here to say, it is nonsense. I visited Company and discovered a blogging section full of style blogs. Now, over the last year or so, Company magazine has gone through a re-style, where it promotes the internet and self-expression. But only if it centers around style blogging of make-up tutorials and shopping hauls.

Now, if you like that kind of thing, fine. But there’s so many blogs doing the same thing, I don’t think Company needs to promote some over others. They should promote advice blogs, art blogs, music blogs, because life doesn’t just begin and end with how someone looks. I know the magazine’s routes are fashion, but to fully meet the need of the modern woman, you need to look at other things.

I read blogs that are used like mine. Things about people’s life and opinions. Blogs that people write as an escape to life, where the reader becomes a confidant. When people talk about things they buy, it grates on me because I don’t have a lot of money to spend on things. Which has never bothered me before. But when someone recommends a blog to me, and it looks more like a shopping list instead a sharing if thoughts, I feel short-changed.

Heading to goal

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The hardest thing about being in any type of lull is getting yourself out of it. When nothing seems to be happening the way you want it to, what do you do?

I try to live in a manner where if I want something to happen, I need to make it happen. Make my own destiny. Which is a great ethos, where you are responsible for your future. When I say ‘try’, mean i agree about being my own future, but I struggle with seeing it through.

I think it is nerves that stop me. Nerves of the unknown. That anything can happen, you could risk everything, just for it to go wrong. It’s almost like I talk myself down from pushing forward, but encourage others to better. A kind of ‘do as I say, not as I do’.

I am resolving to change that. I picture myself somewhere other than being broke and unemployed. The problem with that is how to make it happen. There are so many directions that I could go down, do I pick one thing, or is it better to give myself to several options, and see what works out. I mean, if I work hard, something should pay off, shouldn’t it?

I need to take a deep breath, get my head down and push myself. Getting myself out of this rut, is one of the biggest challenge I have ever faced.

Fearing Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Time flies, doesn’t it?

One minute you are wasting seemingly endless summer holidays with neighbourhood kids, and the next you are plotting celebrations for your 30th birthday. The idea of my youth, was that I would grow up, be fiercely independent and have wild parties to indie rock bands whilst sipping on a cold alcoholic beverage of choice. It is with a crestfallen heart that I admit that my high flung ideals of adulthood have to come to light.

There is nothing in  particular that has stopped me from achieving my idealistic view of growing up, it is just life getting in the way. Being out of employment is just the icing on the cake, of the grand joke that something called fate has in mind, for me. The only changes that I have in my life, are ones that I could really do without. They are the kind of changes that have you worrying about ‘what is the meaning of it all’. Something that I haven’t found a suitable answer for.

I feel that this is why I don’t look to favourably upon change. I have this unrealistic need to live in the past, where I have this blinkered view that things were better. They weren’t. Coping with things just now is nothing something I do well, so from where I am situated, I it is easier to focus on things in my past that make me happy. I think that is why I am quite childish in a lot of aspects. I’d prefer to watch cartoons and listen to music, rather than deal with the Inland Revenue. Despite the volume of changes that have happened so far in 2013, I am afraid of stepping to the unknown to do something else, in case I really have had it too easy, and fate wants to teach me that.

If I am to be brutally honest, I don’t really believe in ‘fate’, a person makes their own life. It’s just every attempt I have made to get my life in gear, something has happened that has sent me right to the back of the grid, and it seems much too hard to try again. Maybe a little self-belief will help me get things into some kind of order.

But isn’t that what everyone needs? A little self-belief.

Falling on Deaf Ears

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometime’s I feel that what I type here, gets ignored. It is something that is said to me a lot, as if it demeans the meaning of the words that I write.

But it doesn’t.
I write this blog because I want to. Because it helps clear my head, and it is a place where I can say what I want to. The idea that someone might read what I write is nice, but it isn’t for anyone else. If someone sees it, and thinks ‘I can write better than that’, then great. They can start their own blog, and talk about what matters to them.

I started this blog to document my personal journey to becoming a graphic designer. My plan has kind of been uprouted, more than once. And right now I am unemployed, trying to get work, and trying to get a passion for life again. It is more than money, it is about feeling satisfied. And I hope, that as well as recording what I have done in the last few years, it will record my life as I get back on my feet. That isn’t for the purpose of anyone else, really. Someone may read this blog, and see that feelings and things all come in cycles. There are good times and bad times, and all people can do is to ride it out. And this site is proof to myself that I can get through it.
I am not where I want to be yet, but my journey is far from over, so this blog will continue. And I will try to be as honest as possible doing it.

A Matter of Experience

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The job search is still constant. Apply for about 4 jobs a day, and get nothing in return. It is hard to keep positive in a situation, where all efforts seem to be futile.

A large part of the problem is experience. I am a person with no prejudices about work, and will work anywhere. I have experience in customer services, but have never worked in admin, or factories and I have no actual timed experience in anything design orientated to get a job. Businesses want experience, but despite working since I was 16, they say I don’t have the ‘right’ experience. But there is only one way to get experience, and that is for someone to take a chance on you. But businesses don’t want to take a chance, and seem to ignore the majority of applicants they get.

I have to believe that I am doing the right thing. I am gathering information about Business Gateway classes about working for myself (worth a try) and am applying for anything and everything. It is, unfortunately, out of my hands whether I get an interview or not. And I can see why unemployed people can get apathetic about their situation. You can spend large sections of your life looking for work, whilst everyone around you assumes you enjoy being jobless.

It’s a never-ending battle, where nothing you do is good enough for anyone. Feeling like a failure is horrible at the best of times, but this is like a whole other level. I believe in me and my abilities, shame no-one else does.

The Springing of Spring!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

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It’s becoming that time of the year where a certain freshness is in the air, with lighter evenings and blooming flowers. Where the ‘stripped back’ appearance of winter disappear as the world starts to grow and become bright again. I love Spring. It’s like the world is becoming alive again, and it is so beautiful. It’s the best time to go for walks and explore where you live.

This time of year makes me realise how great it is to live where I do. Not everyone can walk along the coast, and paddle in sea water. Depending on where I walk, I can pick up sea shells or flowers. It is my favourite thing to do, and in the winter you don’t get the chance to enjoy walks so much.

There is also this sense of nature restarting a cycle, be it lambing on a farm or the flowering of plants on a nature walk. It’s like things start again, and have another go. Which is a nice thing to think of. Whilst, starting again completely may not be always necessary, it’s a great reminder that nature always ambles on.

Trees often look dead in the winter. In spring, the leaves bud and life seems to come back. It’s a good metaphor for life when you think about it. When things appear dead, life can still go on. So the main thing, is to keep your head down, and try again. Nature has created you to keep on fighting through, like everything around you.

A Weighty Issue

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

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Sometimes in life we stand out, and are made to feel insecure by others. It happens to everyone at one point of their lives, be it school or workplace, or even at the supermarket. It can zap away all your confidence, and make you feel less than nothing.

I have had the most experience in this with my weight. Where it seems to be okay for people to ask me if my thinner friend is single, but nothing else. It is also apparently okay for people to call me names for being fat. Now being the ‘overweight friend’ my whole life, I know what shape I am, and I don’t expect to be shouted at by strangers about it. Most of the time, a couple of deep breathes can get me over the angst I feel, but sometimes the comments get stuck in my head. At it’s times that I can get worked up. I cry myself to sleep at night and just hate myself.

I have been reading about ‘fat appreciation’, something that gets posted about mostly on Tumblr, from my experience. It tells overweight people not to feel ashamed about their bodies, and learn to love who they are. But the very idea of making unhealthy people feel good about themselves gets a lot of bad responses. ‘Why should people feel good about being fat pigs?’

I believe that a lot of people, like myself, eat when they are unhappy. And the negative reactions that we can sometimes get from people we don’t even know, can make us very unhappy. It is a known fact that happy people are more proactive in general, hence workplaces spending millions making their workers happier. If an overweight person feels better with themselves, then they may stop gorging on crisps, and will chance going for a walk or to the gym. And the best thing is, if they feel good about themselves, then any negativity that is thrown in their direction, has more chance of being ignored. Also, if a person can learn to love themselves, then anything else that they want to seems a little more in hand’s reach.