Tag: life

Panic Stations

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am a stress head.

When something happens, good or bad, I stress over it. When things get quiet, my brain goes into overload, and it panics over what has been done during the day. I pick over every detail, and worry about what I could have done differently.

When I was at school, I would fall out with friends sometimes. Have petty arguments that lasted one day, like most kids do. I would stay up all night, worrying that I had upset someone by doing something stupid. I was forever apologising for things that didn’t seem to bother the person I was actually apologising to.

My previous job was in a call center, for a customer services department. I took it because I love speaking to people, and wanted to help folk out. But telling loyal customers that there was nothing I could do when they were experiencing times with financial hardship. No discounts, no reconnections, no nothing. And me, being in a bad financial state myself, I sympathised with them. And because I know that I couldn’t help, I lost my confidence. I would go home at night, worrying about these customers that I wasn’t able to help. I would cry in bed, cry on my way to work. I became so stressed that I was of no use to anyone, because I couldn’t even help them when I needed it.  It wore me down, and I fell into self-harming. Something that I hadn’t done in years. It was hard.

I am trying to stop over-analysing everything going on, and that not everything that happens is a direct result of my actions. It is difficult, I still panic if I think I say something wrong to someone. It is hard to change a habit of a lifetime, but it is something that is long over due.

 

Snatched Away

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

In an idea world, every person that we meet, every relationship we have, ends as clean as the conclusion of a well written novel. There are no broken hearts, maybe a few nursed tears, but nothing serious. When everything ends, everyone involved feels validated and secure in themselves.

But, that’s not how things work, do they?

Bruised egos and broken hearts. They are what’s left behind when something ends unexpectedly. The feelings of self-doubt, where a person’s thoughts re-tread, in a bid to see if anything could have been done differently. The depression that follows, once we are sure that things changed because of your failures. This is a horrible part of our nature. We, as people, seem to want to take full responsibility for everything, even when things aren’t a reaction to what we have done. At all. We feel like we must have done something wrong.

I guess, the world that we interpret, is one that surrounds us. As if you are the main character in some made for TV movie, where characters just seem to disappear. Soap opera characters may be able to move on after losing something, but most people struggle. TV. The very thing that we use to relax, actually has the ability to stress a person out. People do take time to get over things when they suffer a loss, and ‘time’ is longer than a 30 minute episode.

Sorry, rambled a bit. Back to my point.

Because our view of the world is from our point of view, everything happens around us. As egotistical as it sounds, we really are the centre of our own world. And I think that this is where we get our need to control everything.

The hardest thing for a person to accept is that we will never have a definite answer for everything. And sometimes we have to leave a situation with no completion, no end and no reason for the end. Part of maturing as a person, is learning to accept that ‘perfect endings’ don’t happen. There is always something that you could do differently, always, but it doesn’t mean that the ending would be anything different.

Headstrong!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

One of the hardest things in life is to keep motivated when things don’t go your way. It is not how a person acts with their successes that defines them as a person, but how they deal with their failures. Because as much as we pretend otherwise, everyone experiences failure at some point in their lives.

Honestly, I never used to be good at dealing with failing at things. In fact, when it did happen, I ‘dealt’ with it by cutting myself off, and giving up on whatever had bettered me. Which, although it was intended as a bid to protect myself from any further disappointment, all it did was waste the time that I had put into it. Which, when every moment we have is a gift, is not a good thing. If there is something that we really want, we owe it to ourselves to keep trying to reach our goal. Any failures are minor setbacks on a path to success.

Or that’s what I keep telling myself. Try to keep my head up, as things seem to keep setting me back. I have started to tell myself repeatedly that life isn’t a flat journey, it needs the bumps to make it exciting. Kids think that life is an adventure, every day is exciting. To live life successfully, we need to get that childish wonder back, need to have a sense of fun about life. Sometimes when life is taken to seriously, it is when we start to struggle with it, and everything becomes a stressful mess. All that is needed is a step back and a deep breath to make the world that little bit easier to deal with.

Never Enough

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I work best when working through a list. Doesn’t matter what the activity is, I have to structure it out, so that I can get everything done. I panic when I get overwhelmed, so placing things in some sort of methodical order seems to help me not panic.

But, it isn’t just panicking that I do. If I don’t have a list and order to focus on things, I don’t focus very hard at all. I will maybe start something, but my mind will wander, and I will end up doing something else, without finishing my initial task. Which would be okay, if there was only two or three tasks to do, but give me a day of non-focus and I could ‘half do’ around 10-15 different things. And, then I get frustrated. With myself. With the work. With everything. And then nothing further happens.

Sometimes, despite writing lists, I get bored and do something else. If it is something which uses active thought, like blogging, I’m fine. When it is something like doing housework, I just mentally clock out and end up doing something else. I guess I have to just find a way to become more involved in every task that I set out to do. Try not to become distracted.  I feel, that sometimes it is like I need to have someone watching over me, to push me seeing things through to completion.

I guess I sound like a teenager, who thinks that they have better things to do. But it can honestly be very hard to get things done properly. But, one thing has changed from school-age me. I no longer give up on things, if I have had a bad and unproductive day. I just take a deep breath and carry on at the next opportunity, be it the next hour, day or whatever. I take a moment to take in what I haven’t done, but no longer berate myself on my failures. I might have a whine, but I will put my head down and try to work hard round everything.

I guess the important part is never giving up on anything. You only truly fail when you give up.

Time To Relax (DD #1)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Decided to try a new thing today, inspired by viewing art on both Tumblr and Instagram. I have bought a new sketchbook, and am going to try and draw a new thing every day, and I thought it would be handy to post it here. Particularly because this is supposed to be a creative blog, so maybe it would be a good idea.

So here is my first sketch:

First Daily Draw image
First Daily Draw image

Because I have been so relaxed the last few days, I felt it would be relevant to doodle something about that. So it is supposed to be a couch, which is what I relax on every day when I finish my work, or I just want to watch some TV with the family. A couch is comfortable and always makes me think of relaxation when I see one.

Everyone needs to have times where they can relax a little, and most people need reminding to do that sometimes. And that is why we have couches in our homes. It means you can just sit in comfort, and forget your stresses, whatever they may be. If I want to chill with my family, I sit on the couch downstairs, and if I want some alone time, I sit on my bed, which ends up as the same purpose as a couch. I think it can sometimes be a little hard to realise that relaxation isn’t something that a person should just schedule into their lives. It should always have a place in daily life, that is there as a full-stop to a busy day.

I hope that everyone has a little time to put their feet up, and enjoy some comfortable peace.

Howdy Doodie

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am getting really bad at this update thing. Wish I had a lot more motivation. November is NaNoWriMo, and for the first time in 4 years, I am not even attempting it. The idea is that a person writes a full length novel in the space of a month. As enjoyable as I find the process, I have no motivation what-so-ever. If there is one thing that I hate, it is the thought that I could fail, which would be a certainty.

In my personal life, I am still working away in my temporary job. Money for Christmas, and for things that I have needed for months. It is a relief, that even though I do not have an abundance of money, that I can buy some of what I want. I can pay my way. Which is something that I struggled to do without a job.

I don’t think that I ever appreciated how difficult it is for someone to find employment once they lose a job. I was in constant employment for almost 13 years of my life, and yet I was unemployed for 6 months trying to find a job. I’d hate to see how bad it would have been, if I had never worked. But that is what some people face. With the unhelpful Job Centre staff, it is very easy to lose any hope of finding employment. And I imagine that feeling would get worse and worse, the longer that you were unemployed.

Long story short, I am happy where I am. Yes, it maybe isn’t idea to be working in a warehouse, but for the moment it pays my bills, and everyone there are so nice. I have been cross-trained in another department after under 2 months, which feels great. I feel like I can so something, and that I am useful. Once I force myself out of bed, I am in a great mood going to work. Which is a complete 180 on the sleepless nights I faced at my old job.

But working has me in a good mood. And considering what has happened over the last year, it is great to have my sense of purpose back.

Always Learning

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I heard recently, that once you reach your 20s, it becomes harder to learn things. I feel a bit weird about that, as I have learnt more as an adult than I did at school.

I find that as I get older, I do have more patience and motivation to discover more things. I like seeing new things, and finding out things I haven’t previously known about. I think when I was in education, I became apathetic about education, because I didn’t liked the environment of ‘forced learning’. It was okay, if the topic was something that I had interest in, but when it wasn’t, I found it so hard.

When I have got older, I have started learning off my own back. And because I am learning at my own speed, I find it so much easier to stay motivated and pick up things. I think, that it is important that people keep an open mind to carry on learning. That could be the problem with a lot of ignorance, people feel that because they are adults they have nothing else to learn. They have closed off their minds, which stops them from picking up on anything new. Which, I feel, can leave a person at a disadvantage to those with a more open mind.

Saying that, sometimes learning something new can be frustrating. I recently got a new laptop, which has Windows 8 installed. Now, the last version of Windows that I had, was XP, and it did what I wanted. But my computer died, so I got a new one. Windows 8 is a headache. I am trying to find my way round it, but I keep on finding that it seems to halt me in whatever I am doing. I think Windows 8 is about touch screen technology, which is great, unless you don’t have a touch screen device. Which I don’t. So I am trying to get my head round this new operating system, and until I do, I am stumbling through every activity I try to do on it. So frustrating. But, I just have to take a deep breath, I will get it eventually.

And that’s what I have learnt through being an adult. Patience and perseverance. I am not afraid to give something the time to get to know it properly.

Procastinating

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do you ever have that moment of realisation, when you come out of what ever cocoon you have been surviving in, and discover that the world has still continued on?

Sounds silly, let me explain.

I have been so stressed out about starting work, and the last and a bit has been me working as hard as I can. I want to be useful and be the best me, that I can. As such, I have been living in this little bubble. I have met up with some friends and things, but I find that I have been mostly spending downtime cuddled up at home. Which is sometimes all a person needs after a hard days work, so I don’t feel bad about that. 

The bad bit is when I pop my head outwith my wee ‘bubble’ and it seems that a lot of other things has been going on. Be it good things, bad things, or just things people have to live through. The fact that these ‘things’ have happened, and I have been completely oblivious, does frustrate me. I do think that this may be because I like knowing what is happening around me, always have done. And, when I don’t know, I can feel a little confused, which I guess is perfect to describing how I feel now.  

I am confused because I feel like I am out of step with the world around me, and I don’t think there is a reason for me to feel like that. It happens every now and then, that time passes by a person so quickly that they reach for a break pedal. But, knowing that I shouldn’t worry about it, doesn’t stop me from worrying that I’ll miss something important

Expelling Energy

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been awful restless over the last 6 and a half months. I have been out of work, and in a bit of a bad way, mentally. It has been a struggle doing anything, which is why I believe that this blog has dried up, and it has been so hard to get it rebooted again. To be honest, when you are not having to go to work or education, I think you can have the tendency to feel lethargic. Because if you chose to, you can sit alone, you don’t have to spend most of your days working or studying. So, your brain switches off. There is no focus for your thoughts, so you can just think about yourself and feel negative, because it may feel you are not going ‘anywhere’. 

What has lead to this pondering, is the fact that I started a new job today. And having a focus to kick-start my energy has ended up with me wanting to fill my day with more. Whereas before, I was meeting a friend during the day, and it was great. That was all I did. I didn’t have any energy to write about anything, because I had no motivation to observe what was around me, because it all just seemed pretty damned depressing. Now, I feel like I have achieved something today. That is something that is debatable, especially due to the fact that today was 99% induction, and I actually did very little. But it feels like I am a part of society again, like I am a functioning person again and I have a purpose. 

It maybe sounds a little over-kill, but it truly feels that revolutionary to me. It feels like a big thing in my life. With the 5am wake-up call forcing me into the world earlier than I would normally like, I feel like I have tapped into this unused source of energy, which has just propelled me through the rest of my day. I came home with a buzz, and that I wanted to write. I wanted to create something. I wanted to read a chapter of my book. I wanted to draw a few things. I have not felt this way in so long, it really is great. 

My last job was wearing me down. I had taken quite a dislike to it, and that was making me depressed. I was clashing with people, and because it was taking all my energy just to turn up, the job was not being done right. I was exhausted both physically and mentally after there for only an hour. At the time, I didn’t realise this, and I pushed and pushed myself, despite not succeeding at the most basic of tasks. Maybe it was just a change that was needed? Maybe I needed to do something different? And it is only now, when I have started at a new workplace, is it I realise how much energy I have when I am happy about working. I wake up in a good mood, I go to work in a good mood, I come home in a creative mood. 

Now, obviously, I can’t see into the future, and as such, I don’t know how long this job will make me feel like this. But, I feel like I have learnt a valuable lesson. I really am a threat to myself, when I let a job get at me, to the point I am crying every day. At the end of the day, as great as money is, nothing should ever make a person feel like they are unworthy. If something is making you feel so bad, that you are struggling to function, get it out of your life. Something negative can suck out all your energy, and believe me when I say that it is a horrible thing where the only thing that survives lack of energy, is self-doubt. 

So be who you want to be. Fill your time with as much happiness as you can and enjoy the energy you get as a result.

Life Is A Plotline

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been reading a lot of non-fiction books lately, where people publish their thoughts, feelings and general anecdotes about their life. You find out about the inner workings of their brains and really get to know someone. It is something that is really magical about books and reading. You can get a sense of complete understanding for someone you have never even met.

But how can a person experience enough to write books on their life? A normal average life is not something to write home about. Life is mundane and uneventful 99% of the time. Or mine is anyway.

But then, it is maybe not what you experience, just how you experience it. Some people believe that those who look through the world as if they were a child, tend to lead happier lives. It isn’t the physical aspects of life that makes these people happy, it is the idea that everything is an adventure, no matter how medial the task may seem. As we get older, it seems that we get more apathetic about the world we live in. It as if we have seen that failure is a part of life, so we prepare for any future failure by looking at the world negatively. But, if we push the apathy aside, appreciate things on face value. A sunny day, pretty flowers, tall buildings, anything. Maybe thinking of every day as an adventure, creates more stories to tell. Makes life seem more exciting.

Another aspect of ‘how you experience life’, may come down to a person’s thought processes. Some people speak their minds about particular topics, a bit like Karl Pilkington.  Karl is a man who is honesty seems to be the voice that other people ignore. He has an overly pessimistic, realist attitude about seemingly everything. Karl speaks and writes about his honest opinions, which resonates with people as well as keeping attention with subject matter that could be considered as mundane.

So I guess, the best thing to do is be honest, although I doubt I would ever be able to write a book on my life. But, it is an interesting thing to think about. Could you write some kind of autobiographical book?