Tag: failure

Marchin’ On

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I call my bedroom, my depression pit. It has become the one place that is my personal space, so everything is a mess. As in everything is on the floor, and it is like I don’t have a carpet, because there is so much crap all over the floor. It isn’t everywhere, I don’t like dirty dishes sitting around, so I like the kitchen clean. Also, spaces I share with the rest of the family, everything should be organised, especially because any visitors will see them.

But my room, when I feel low, I don’t see any point in keeping it tidy at all. When my mental health is poor, I can struggle to do the most basic thing. And with winter coming in, making my arthritis pains worse, I don’t have the mental oomph to push myself to make any kind of effort. Like, I have a job, and it takes any energy that I have to complete my shifts successfully, without biting anyone’s head off. And lately, I have been so sore at work, that I come home so utterly exhausted, that I sit down and everything hurts too much to do anything else. If I am lucky I might boil some noodles for my dinner, if that. Constant pain and bad mental health actually plays havoc with my eating habits. I have no appetite. I have to schedule in eating, and am very bad at saying ‘oh, it’s 10.30am, I may as well wait till lunch time’. It leads to irregular eating habits, which leads me to believe that if I can’t even eat properly, why bother trying anything else.

This links to my ‘depression pit’, because I feel so worthless that I don’t put things away at all. Like, what is the point? I often get to the point where I have to clamber over piles of clothing just to get to my bed. I spoke to a therapist about this, and she says I may struggle because I don’t see the point in making effort for myself, and asked me what I did to for myself. It was worrying that I couldn’t really come up with an answer. Everything in my life feels like a task that needs to be achieved, even playing Mario Kart or reading books. And, if I don’t do anything, it is like I have failed at what I planned, and that reinforces this idea of why I don’t see the point in making effort to do things.

However, today, our central heating was due its annual service, and the boiler is in my closet. So, I had to tidy up, and I spent this weekend slowly plodding through it. Sorting out rubbish, and clothes, dusting and just organising things. I struggle doing it for any length of time, so I set timers, and worked away on smaller targets for up to an hour at a time. And today it looks pretty tidy. And I do like it. However, anyone who has a ‘depression pit’ will tell you it is not a simple untidy space, it is months of buildup. Months of feeling hopeless. Months of feeling listless. Sometimes, you need a catalyst to force you to do anything, or I do. So the heating guy having to come in my room ended up being a push.

I do feel good that things are now tidy, I just need to keep myself motivated. Sometimes, it is so exhausting running from the constant sense of failure, that I just give up. Everything else is exhausting anyway. But… clean slate. As they say, when you fall off the horse, you dust yourself off and try again. That’s where I am, just dusted myself off.

Blogmas Day 4: Seeing Past Failure

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As you may have noticed, there was no post yesterday. No particular reason, other than my head was in a bit of a mess. I think I gave myself too much to do, as it was my only day off. So, I do what I do, when I sense failure, and freaked out a little bit.

Fear of failure is a big trigger for my anxiety, and has been for a long time. If I can sense things going a bit iffy, then my brain automatically jumps to the point where I fail completely. This can cause meltdowns, panic attacks, and a internal degrading (making myself feel like a stupid shit). I think, seeing those things written down can take the impact out of those words. It doesn’t seem too bad, when it actually is awful. It’s the irrational panic that can be caused by the slightest thing falling through, be it plans with a friend, or that I simply didn’t find a particular item in the shop. Its a horrible thing.

What I have been trying ŧo do is not give up on things. For example, I didn’t follow my weightwatcher’s plan last week, but I am back on it now. Again, my head was a mess last week, and it is hard when you have noone to talk to about it. So, I just muddled through, and when I felt a wee bit better, I jumped back on that horse. Which is a good thing. I need to practice drawing a line under things, and starting afresh. Keep on swimming, as a certain cartoon fish sings.

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” – Denis Waitley

Standing Still

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am getting really irritated about myself. I sometimes feel like I am making progress, with my mental health, but then just go backwards. It’s frustrating.

For example, last week was really positive. I was in a really good mood, which was helped by a quiet few days at work. So I had time to relax, catch up with friends and not working. Which is nice sometimes. However, this all ended by someone saying something negative to me. I feel really stupid, knowing that someone making a throwaway comment can effect me so much. It’s the kind of thing that makes me feel ashamed for feeling bad, and that I am a liability, and no one really needs to be around someone like that.

Thinking like this, is not nice. It is suffocating. Previously, I would just dwell on this feeling, and end up in a terrible state. Now, I try to reach out to people. Well, there is only a handful of people who I feel I can reach out to. This is not to be against people I know. If I feel bad, I feel like a burden. Which is how I tend to feel most the time. It is exhausting.

Afterwards, it is easy to say that any feelings of anxiety are irrational. But that doesn’t help that feeling of utter useless you get, when you are only barely treading water. It sometimes feels I am moving forward, only to come back to square one. But, when I do feel a bit better, I can think with slightly more optimism.

I may return to square 1 time after time, but maybe that square is moving further up the board as I go on. I mean I do know I am better than I even was last year. It is just unbelievably slow.

Just Do Your Best

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life, as it frequently tends to remind us, is very hard. Yes, the struggles may be different for different people, but they are still struggles. And every person will deal with those hard things different. If you don’t harm anyone, there is no right or wrong way to deal with problems that come our in direction.

It is hard, but it is believed by some, that nothing worth doing, comes easy. So, if things get hard, it’s okay. If you have to work hard for something, it is only then that you will fully appreciate it. But sometimes, you can find yourself working hard for something, and you don’t achieve what you set out to do. It might be a test, a new job or even getting fitter, it can be almost everything. And failing is a horrible feeling, but it is a feeling that everyone has to deal with.

How do you even begin to deal with failure? Myself, I don’t deal a lot of the time, I do the whole panic/ cry/ meltdown, kind of thing. But when I think back, at the school classes failed or the jobs I didn’t get, I just plodded on. A lot of the time, I just adjusted my plan. Sometimes, you can want something, and start the journey towards that goal, but there is no way to get there. Life sometimes, gets in the way like that. People like to make excuses, like ‘if it wasn’t for this thing that happened, I would have done such-and-such’. I don’t like that. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, and say ‘I gave it everything’, you have nothing to feel bad about. In fact, if things did get in the way, but you tried as hard as you could at the time, you also have nothing to feel bad about.

You have to do your best what ever comes your way. No matter what it is. Because if you have that ‘try hard’ mentality, you will succeed in something. It may take a while, and it might be nothing like you originally planned, but you will get there.

Not What I Wanted

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have always been one of these people who have two effort levels. Either I obsessively do it, or I just can’t be bothered. This is mostly encouraged by how well I do at something. If I put effort in, and things go well, I will push and push towards a goal. All good. If I put that same effort and fail, I find it really hard to put any more effort into it.

I know that what I am saying isn’t that uncommon. In fact, most people probably have the same issues. If is something that happens in life, and people just have to accept it. But the problem is, that if I don’t try again at something, my brain builds this thing up. Something that is probably of no real concern to anyone, can start to cause me to panic. It is horrible.

When I was at school, I remember that I had two extremes whenever I sat a test. I would either smash it, or I would completely bomb. If I was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t just make one, I’d make ten. And that is something that has continued with me as I go on. I think that a big part is paranoia and lack of confidence. Like, if I think i am doing well, it is all fine. But if I find out I did one thing wrong, i fuck up everything.

It’s hard. I can get so flustered over making silly mistakes. I get upset, because I feel so stupid. I get it in my head that I shouldn’t be making such silly mistakes, I should know better. And I feel worse, and then make more mistakes because I am too busy scolding myself.

The thing no one ever teaches you at school, college or any work place, is how to give yourself a break. It is a foreign concept. But not everyone thrives on constant pressure.

Achievement Unlocked

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you do when you achieve something?
How do you celebrate?

I was having a think today about how I am making effort to eat a bit healthier. I made a couple of good choices over the last few days, and I should really be happy about it. But, I am so used to my plans falling apart that the fact I was sticking to what I intended was ignored. I barely registered that I had done anything right. Which considering how much I beat myself up when I fail, you’d think I’d celebrate doing something right. But I don’t.

This made me feel a bit strange. Uncomfortable, even. How could I focus so much on the negative, and ignore when something goes well? After talking to a couple people at work, it seems that I am not alone. People can be overly harsh if they miss a target, but don’t do anything if they achieve it. Considering the amount of resolution failures there are at this time of year, you’d thing people would make a deal about actually seeing something through.

When I had my food, with no snacking I felt good. And I spent a little time just thinking ‘well done’ to myself. Food is a big issue with me, and always has been. I eat whenever i fancy, so to hold back is a big achievement. Particularly when food is staring at me all over the house. It makes me sad that I don’t act proud of myself when I do well. It’s even more horrible when you think that other people do that too. Praise yourself, you earned it.

All It Takes Is A Little Effort

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Sucking at life is easy. People make a big deal of it being ‘so hard’. How heartbreaking it is, when things don’t go your way. How it sucks when you ‘try so hard’ and everything just falls apart. But be honest. Did you really give the 100%, which the situation required?

Probably not. I know I am in my current predicament because I haven’t applied myself to things. I will cry, and feel sorry for myself, but that does even less than the ‘no effort’ does. I try to tell myself that I have an amazing work ethic. I do, in the aspect that I go out and work. I, however, do not apply myself to said work, which ends up with things going wrong. I then have the nerve to turn to others, to managers, to teachers, and blame them for my failures.

It all sounds rather terrible, doesn’t it? Maybe not something I should post in something I consider my ‘more professional’ blog. ‘Come and hire me, I’ll show face but don’t expect any work done’.

I am posting this here, because I feel that acknowledgement of a problem, is the first step to try and fix it. And I want to fix it. I am a bit sick to the back teeth of constantly failing. My life feels like a list of ‘have not dones’, rather than ‘have dones’. Which is the route of my depression recently.  Being depressed is very tiring, and is something that takes up all your time, absorbs all your energy.  Which is ironic when I think it is laziness, which has got me into where I am right now. All because I couldn’t be bothered.

So, I am setting out to become more bothered and dedicate myself to getting things done. Whether it is blogging, completing tasks at work, or visiting friends when I say I would. I suck at all aspects of life, and I am so unreliable. I want to be a person someone can turn to. I want to excel at my job. I want to be better than who I am today.

I know it’s a bit early for a New Year’s Resolution, but 2013, let’s have ye.