Standing Still

I am getting really irritated about myself. I sometimes feel like I am making progress, with my mental health, but then just go backwards. It’s frustrating.

For example, last week was really positive. I was in a really good mood, which was helped by a quiet few days at work. So I had time to relax, catch up with friends and not working. Which is nice sometimes. However, this all ended by someone saying something negative to me. I feel really stupid, knowing that someone making a throwaway comment can effect me so much. It’s the kind of thing that makes me feel ashamed for feeling bad, and that I am a liability, and no one really needs to be around someone like that.

Thinking like this, is not nice. It is suffocating. Previously, I would just dwell on this feeling, and end up in a terrible state. Now, I try to reach out to people. Well, there is only a handful of people who I feel I can reach out to. This is not to be against people I know. If I feel bad, I feel like a burden. Which is how I tend to feel most the time. It is exhausting.

Afterwards, it is easy to say that any feelings of anxiety are irrational. But that doesn’t help that feeling of utter useless you get, when you are only barely treading water. It sometimes feels I am moving forward, only to come back to square one. But, when I do feel a bit better, I can think with slightly more optimism.

I may return to square 1 time after time, but maybe that square is moving further up the board as I go on. I mean I do know I am better than I even was last year. It is just unbelievably slow.

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