Tag: depressed

Pressure

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There is a building pressure, in my head.

It is accompanied by a dull ache, in my forehead.

It’s normally caused by anxiety.

The stress that I am not good enough.

I never feel good enough.

It happens when I have a chance to think.

When work slows down, and the cogs in my brain start whirring.

Every action, every word said, is scrutinised.

I can’t run away, the voice in my head just gets louder.

Drink water will help.

Eat something, suggests people who mean well.

I try to hold it together.

I want to hide away, but that’s not always possible.

I need to find an activity.

Give myself something to do.

And the stress, and the headache, fades away.

Alone

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

One lie, that having poor mental tells you is that you are alone. That no one else feels the way you do. It is a lie that cuts you off. Makes you feel like you are not good enough for anyone who is around. That what you experience, is such a burden on everyone, that maybe it’s better to remain on your own. So you don’t bring other’s down.

Logically, these lies don’t make sense. Having poor mental health, is something that thrives in loneliness. Or that is what it feels like for me, anyway. If people are around, or if I am kept busy (like at work), I don’t often feel so overwhelmed. It does still happen, to be honest, but because my brain is focused elsewhere, I can deal with things better.

But that can be a problem. When I first started having mental health issues, I spoke to people. I reached out for help, I was told to ‘grow up’, that it was ‘hormones’, or was just because I ‘needed the right guy’. This all felt like rejection, as if rather than understand, people deflected with useless fake solutions. So I waited. I hoped it would go away. I made a mess of things, in the hope I’d feel normal. And it hurts. It manifested at a previous work place were I was told, by my manager ‘you have a job, you have a place to live, you have nothing to be depressed about’. I wrote on Facebook, years ago, and was told not to be such an attention seeker.

In the end, it feels like not saying anything helps me. There is only so many times people can ask for help, and for it to be thrown back at them. Or even ignored. It’s easier to not be with people, because then I don’t run the risk of being made to feel worse. So, I spend time alone, which is when my mental health is worse.

This has come into my head, after a recent news story brought suicide and mental health to the forefront of people’s minds. And the same people, who berated me, who called me an attention seeker, expect folk to reach out to them. Say that they can help. But they did the opposite. Or maybe it’s only certain people that folk want to help. I’d never be that person.

A Good Bye

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Goodbye is hard to say.

It is these days, anyway.

In childhood, goodbye was never really goodbye. There was the promise that it was more of a ‘see you later’ than actually parting ways forever. You’d see the person at the next break, after school, at the play park, or even in a few days. Most of the people you leave, you will see again, and the phrase ‘goodbye’ doesn’t feel negative.

However, as you get older, the promise of seeing people once you’ve said farewell, isn’t always so certain. People start to leave your life, and they never come back. It becomes harder and harder to say goodbye. Because the promise that was once there, the idea you’d always see the person again, has gone.

Goodbye mean last forever. Until the time comes that it does.

A Little Lost

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This time of year is one where people often complain that they don’t know what day it is. This is mostly due to the festive period being a time where a lot of people are off work. It’s perfectly normal.

There is also this feeling of feeling in between two different emotions. Christmas is a time to show thanks, be grateful for what you have. And New Year is about looking forward to the future, step away from where you currently may be. Or that is how it has felt for me.

The festive period has been really difficult this year, due to a family loss. It has left me between being thankful for what I have, and wanting to move on. I am glad that there is people around, friends and family. But I also am afraid that stepping forward will lessen the memories I have. Honestly, I think every person feels like this with a loss, but Christmas just seems to exaggerate these feelings.

So, I feel like I am sitting in limbo. Time forces me forward, despite my wishes. It doesn’t matter whether I am ready, things move on. Doesn’t make things any easier though.

Head Full Of Fluff And Stuff

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am feeling all angsty, right now. Something, that I had assumed would have left by now. It hasn’t and I just don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe having sleepless nights over the trivial things in life, is a sign that I need to do more. That I am emotionally unsatisfied with what I have done in my 32 years on this planet.

Well, I am unsatisfied. I found an old diary which had me writing down my High School study schedule, to try and make my last year or so a success. It didn’t happen, I did nothing and got nowhere. The college course I went to when I left school, was dependant on the grades I got when I was 16, not the ones I got when I actually left school, at 18. I wasted 2 years, because I didn’t feel I was ready, and that has been a theme of my life. I may get round to some things, but its more of an eventual accident, rather than doing something when I actually give a shit about it.

And living in such a way has left me feeling very shit about my life. And I don’t know who to speak to about it. I have friends, but they have their own lives. And whilst I feel comfortable listening to their issues, I don’t want to bog them down with whatever crap is in my head. It isn’t fair to bring someone else down to my level, when they are working through stuff so much worse than mine. I try to write, to draw, to find outlets for my building anxiety, but sometimes it doesn’t work. You need someone to say that things are going to be alright. I try to do it for other people, but nothing in return. Comments telling me to ‘grow up’ or that ‘I am a lovely person’ are not really required. I just want someone to listen.

Not having someone to share issues with, is like a crushing weight. Something that you might be able to bear on good days, but on bad days it has you unable to even take one step. I’ll be honest, I am dealing with stuff better myself. I have been working very hard the last few months, trying to find ways to cope, small activities to try and lift my mood. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes, things (2 friends changing plans on the same day), takes it’s toll. There is nothing to distract me from feeling that it is all my own fault. That I must be a really shitty person, that I get dropped at the first opportunity.

I try to optimistic on this blog. But sometimes, that just isn’t how it works. It’s hard to be optimistic, when you think you have reached a benchmark, made a break through, and then you go back to square one. And it is a lonely place. A horrible place. But time tells me, that carrying on makes me feel better. At some point. Might be a day, a week or a month away. And that is something to aim for. But, there is also a sense of dread, because I will feel like this again. I will be crying over nothing. Until things change, and I make things better.

But, what’s the point?

Depression Diaries: Working Away

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Depression is a strange thing to live with. For weeks at a time you can be struggling to even get up in the morning. It never really lifts, but there are days where I can put up with it, and kind of work around it. Days where I feel as normal as I can get. When I don’t feel like crying at all through the day, where I can speak to people without wanting to crawl into a dark corner for wasting their time. But whatever I feel, I do my best to get up and go to work. It’s the one thing I try to promise myself, to go to work, and at least I have achieved something no matter how crap the day ends up. Though I have phoned in sick, it doesn’t happen very regularly.

I work in a warehouse, and by looking at my blog title and things you’d notice that wasn’t my plan. But, needs must, and at least I know I have regular income. Unfortunately, not everyone sees jobs like that. Some people have a snobbish look at jobs that they view as ‘below’ them. And I have people asking me why I’d bother working at a warehouse. They imply that for a person to work there means that there is something wrong with that person. It’s almost like they are saying that a person has to be ‘stupid’ to work in this warehouse, and be content.

This should be an easy comment to brush off, because why should someone else’s opinion matter? But it does. It’s another reason to feel to feel like a failure. Like, it is a basic job, anyone can do it. I don’t add anything to the job, and no one would notice if I wouldn’t go back. My brain goes into this spiral where my thoughts are just berating everything that I do and how everything is just a waste of time. And it is honestly horrible. I have this instilled thought that I just waste people’s time, so just end up spending time alone. And to think that even the medial task of working a basic job is worthless, it just makes me want to hide from everything.

I am writing this after taking some thinking time over how bad attitudes about my job make me feel. I have tried to look around the negative feelings, and find something a bit better. The conclusion that I came to was that everyone expects things to be done for them. Whether you visit a coffee shop for a Mocha or clear out your rubbish bin, there is someone there that makes things happen. Someone makes your coffee, and someone collects all the rubbish to take to refuge. Everything that happens in modern day life happens because someone makes it happen. Even when you do things online, someone makes that dress you order get to your door. People make things happen, and without the people doing the medial tasks, things wouldn’t happen. At all. Every job has a purpose, every person has a purpose. Maybe rather than tearing apart those around us, we should recognise that people do shitty jobs and there is no shame in it. I need to remember that sometime.

Depression Diaries: Finding My Voice

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These last few months have seen my plans fall apart at the seams. Any attempt at trying to express what I truly felt has fallen flat. It’s like I am back 3/4 years, where I couldn’t see any way out. It’s like I could think about doing things, but I didn’t see the point in doing anything about it.

I have failed in everything I have ever wanted to do. And it is something which is the focus of my thoughts during every ‘downtime’ that I have. Times when I should be relaxing, whether it’s trying to watch TV, read a book or even just try to sleep. I hit a brick wall, as my mind won’t rest. Thoughts about every little thing that I could have said or did, that could have upset another person. I feel like the most idiotic person in the world. And that is all I can see, an idiot who really shouldn’t spend anytime with anyone, because she’d just waste their time, and upset them.

It’s never anything that anyone says or does, it’s not personal. People don’t need to do anything to set me off. I do it all myself. It is about the only thing I seem to do these days. Running to the toilets at work to cry, because I made a mistake. Having another sleepless night because my mistake causes work for someone else, and that makes me a failure. I cry to myself because I turn down night out after night out, because I don’t want to drag anyone else down. I don’t want to be responsible for bringing other people down.

People around me don’t know this. Because I don’t talk about it, because talking about it has always made me feel weak and uncomfortable. I stopped visiting doctors because there are people with real illnesses who need that appointment more than me. So, I sit and dwell, and for months and months, I haven’t been able to get any thoughts out of my head. And that makes me feel worse. It really is an awful cycle. And it is one that is so hard to get out of.

That’s why I am writing this, here. Over the years, this blog has held a lot of my thoughts and hopes on life in general. I felt that this would be a good place to be honest. To speak about how I feel, and how depression doesn’t just go away. It is an illness that can make someone feel so alone. When that happens, it is hard to try and confide in those around you. I thought that if I spoke honestly, maybe it would reach someone who felt like I do. Maybe it would help them, to see that they are not alone.

Need help? I recommend MIND who have helped me very recently.

Climbing Back On The ‘Ole Horse

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am struggling with motivation.

The writing and drawing that normally gives me immense pleasure, is not doing it so much for me. And it’s a hard thing to get round. Because I tend to feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings to someone face-to-face. I write about them instead. If that doesn’t work, I concentrate all my energy into drawing. And I can feel any frustrations melt away.

But, sometimes, like recently, the ability to express myself so freely hasn’t been there. What I write makes no sense, and I can’t focus enough to draw. So, in turn, I have to try and deal with all the feelings I have in my head. Which proceeds to either me over-reacting to things irrationally, or just a complete breakdown of tears and snot.

It’s difficult, and noone tells you how to cope with that. And it’s a hard lesson to teach yourself. The only advice I can think of is never give up. I can’t tell you how many times I have closed an empty blog entry or put aside my sketchbook recently. But, by persevering you will eventually crave what you haven’t been able to do.

Maybe surrounding myself with more inspiration would help. Right now, I am surrounded by mess and clutter. That needs to change.

To be inspired

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Reading books, watching TV, listening to music, everyone has something that makes them want to better themselves. Something that makes you want to take on the world, and feel like you can win whilst doing so. This is something that is certainly not lost on me, as I try to gain inspiration from a lot of sources.

I am coming up with a problem though. I don’t know if it is a case of seeing ‘too much’ around me, or if it is because I just think too much. When you read a book you like or listen to your favourite album, they spur you on, as you try to emulate their success. But for success to be valid, there needs to be failure, to balance it out. Just like how you can’t get light without dark, you can’t get success without failure. And after thinking about this, I have been lead down the path that has me wondering if the balance between success and failure is applicable to the one person’s life, or if it is people who are deemed success or failure.

I guess it could be either, but my head tends to liken it to being a person by person kind of thing. So if someone is a failure, it means someone else can be a success. That always sounds a bit of a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of logic, and I guess that is always how I have thought. I have always preferred to look at the worst case scenario, rather than the best, as I feel it is a cushion for the disappointment I feel when things don’t go my way. Except, it isn’t a very good cushion,  because it still hurts when I don’t do well in something.

There is a school of thought, that teaches you, that if you are thinking of the negative, you will not see the good things, for all the negativity. Now whilst I think that is a very valid point, is something that is very difficult to get round, when you are used to thinking in a certain way. To step away from the negativity, you need to re-train your whole way of thinking, and that is no easy task. Especially if you have been thinking in said way, for almost the whole 27 years of your existence.

I guess, I keep on trying. I keep on trying to be inspired, and change my mindset. I get days where things change for a few days, maybe even a week, but then it changes back, and I find myself back at square one. This back and forth is one of the hardest things for me to accept about myself. It’s like everytime that I reach a landmark, and really feel good about myself, something happens and I just fall back into a pile of self-doubt.

The good news is, that there are more good days, than bad days right now. Having a lack of motivation to be creative is a big weight on my shoulders. It has happened over the last few years, where I struggled hard with depression. It is a situation where I find myself, that I can’t be creative. I get ideas, but then think ‘what’s the point’, it’s not going to lead anywhere. And I think that is the thing that is derailing me the most. The fact that I can’t see where I am to go. I feel stagnant, that I am not moving forward, so what’s the point?

When you have thoughts like that in your head, it’s really hard to try and see the positive out of anything.

Music: Left Alone- City to City (feat. Tim Armstrong)

 

 

Opinionative Depressive

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Because I am in severe need from a distraction from my depressive state of mind. The whole ‘jump of a bridge’ scenario seems like an option in my current state.

Nice,  bet you wanted to know that, oh reader. If there is a reader. *I am breaking the forth wall here.* I just feel mentally unable to cope with anything right now. -.-

Whilst I have been online, I haven’t been writing a lot, for the sheer sense, that I have been too down to write or say anything substantial. Well, I probably could have written something, but it would be day-after-day of complaining about my petty existence. And trust me, when I say  that would not make very interesting reading.  I have been complaining, but most of that is over on my Tumblr. Mostly because I can speak my mind, without feeling that people I know are judging me on it. Because that is all Facebook is these days. Blue and white pages of judgement and hatred, tied together with gimmicky games.

A bit severe on Facebook maybe, but right now it is how I feel. Most of you will probably read my negative opinion, and wonder why I don’t just delete my account. Mostly because it is good for contacting people who I don’t hold numbers for, and the like. But then I think, if that person really did give a shit about me, wouldn’t they go to more effort than a friend request?

I am on the fence about what to do with the site. Should I just leave it? I do good at speaking my mind, and am of the stance of when I post something I WILL NOT delete it. Maybe that is stubbornness. But if I cared enough to post something to begin with, even if my mood shifts, it wouldn’t be honest if I deleted it.  And that is what any site should be, an honest interpretation on who you are.

And on that stance, I can’t really think negatively on people who do react to what I say in a bad way. Because they are also just stating what they think and feel. If they regret what they say, then fair enough, but at the time I said what I wanted to, and they said what they wanted to. And as far as that goes, I respect it. But they should also be adult enough to respect what other people say. If you want people to respect and listen to you, then do the same to others.

But that would be wishful thinking, wouldn’t it?