These last few months have seen my plans fall apart at the seams. Any attempt at trying to express what I truly felt has fallen flat. It’s like I am back 3/4 years, where I couldn’t see any way out. It’s like I could think about doing things, but I didn’t see the point in doing anything about it.
I have failed in everything I have ever wanted to do. And it is something which is the focus of my thoughts during every ‘downtime’ that I have. Times when I should be relaxing, whether it’s trying to watch TV, read a book or even just try to sleep. I hit a brick wall, as my mind won’t rest. Thoughts about every little thing that I could have said or did, that could have upset another person. I feel like the most idiotic person in the world. And that is all I can see, an idiot who really shouldn’t spend anytime with anyone, because she’d just waste their time, and upset them.
It’s never anything that anyone says or does, it’s not personal. People don’t need to do anything to set me off. I do it all myself. It is about the only thing I seem to do these days. Running to the toilets at work to cry, because I made a mistake. Having another sleepless night because my mistake causes work for someone else, and that makes me a failure. I cry to myself because I turn down night out after night out, because I don’t want to drag anyone else down. I don’t want to be responsible for bringing other people down.
People around me don’t know this. Because I don’t talk about it, because talking about it has always made me feel weak and uncomfortable. I stopped visiting doctors because there are people with real illnesses who need that appointment more than me. So, I sit and dwell, and for months and months, I haven’t been able to get any thoughts out of my head. And that makes me feel worse. It really is an awful cycle. And it is one that is so hard to get out of.
That’s why I am writing this, here. Over the years, this blog has held a lot of my thoughts and hopes on life in general. I felt that this would be a good place to be honest. To speak about how I feel, and how depression doesn’t just go away. It is an illness that can make someone feel so alone. When that happens, it is hard to try and confide in those around you. I thought that if I spoke honestly, maybe it would reach someone who felt like I do. Maybe it would help them, to see that they are not alone.
Need help? I recommend MIND who have helped me very recently.