Tag: anxiety

Constantly

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.

Work, Work, Work…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think that I have always been a grafter. Someone, who works as best as they can at whatever task they are given. Now, I may not be the fastest, but you can be assured that I will do my job properly. Which, to me, matters. Whilst, doing things in a good time is always a good thing, there is no point if corners are cut, and things are done poorly.

Since my first job, I have always enjoyed the satisfaction in working hard and feeling like I had made a difference. And that didn’t change no matter the size of company I was working for. I made sure that what I did was the best I could do. I like to believe that working hard will get you anywhere you want. Hard work is rewarded. But, I am realising that is maybe an idealistic way of thinking.

The area I work in at the moment is constantly busy. It is a very different job than what I am used to, but I still do my best. But, I am stuck. What do you do when your best isn’t good enough? Me, I just keep trying, I get my head down and graft away to the best of my ability. Which is how I have always been. But every so often I raise my head, and I see other people getting new opportunities. People who are doing worse at the job than me, and have been the less time than me. I automatically assume that I have done something wrong. And when you get that thinking in your head, it is really hard to get out.

A lot has changed with my job role in the last 6 months, with me working in a completely new department. And that, in itself, made me feel I was getting moved away for doing something wrong. So before I started my new task, I already felt a bit weary and hurt that I was moved away from my friends and folk I trusted. I have written on here before, about my mental health issues, and my old department had managers and leads who I could trust. People who I could speak and cry to if I had a bad day.  It made me feel comfortable coming into work, even on my bad days. But it isn’t like that anymore. I don’t really know any of my new managers, and when I talk to them it feels like I am a burden. And, if you know me and my mental health, I feel like I am feeling a burden without anyone saying so.

So I feel like a burden, and that I am doing things wrong, so I don’t feel welcome. It has become more of a struggle to go into work, when I have a bad day. I can go to the toilets and cry. All the people who would make me laugh, and make things better are in a completely different area. I can’t just abandon my work and wonder off to see them. I didn’t realise how much easier my work colleagues made everything, till I couldn’t see them anymore.

I am carrying on though. Trying to keep my head down, and work as hard as I can. Focus on myself, and what I am doing. Which is easier said than done. I give myself a pep talk every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The actual job is fine. It is just the lack of recognition and support that is getting me down. But, I will persevere, and I will continue to do the best I can. Which is all I can do.

Round And Round

~ Sue ~ 5 Comments

I am finding life rather monotonous right now. I know, that not every day can be super exciting and fun, but it is routine that I find boring. It sounds daft, but day-to-day life can get boring. And it is frustrating.

Why?

Well, routine bores me, but it also calms down my anxiety. Which leaves me with a bit of a conundrum. If I try to leave too much to luck, and ‘wing it’, normally something will end up causing me to panic. But I get bored when everything gets stuck on the same routine. It gets to the point, where I feel like I am running in automatic pilot.

It is fear of the unknown that normally gets under my skin. I get nervous when things just ‘happen’, because I don’t know how my brain is going to react. Sometimes, I completely over-react, and start panicking because my brain is focused on the worst possible outcome. But half the time, I am fine, there is no adverse reaction, and I can just roll with whatever is going on. And I because I don’t know what way things are going to go, a lot of the time I just stick to my routine, and stay away from any risk. Which is a good idea, in one sense, but it can also be suffocating.

It comes down to balance. But, how do you find that balance?

via Daily Prompt: Wheel

Guilty of feeling bad

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Right now, it feels like every time you read the paper or watch a news broadcast, something else horrible is happening in the world. Innocent people are dying every day. And it is awful.

It can be difficult to relate to. I,for example, feel unbelievably guilty. I have my fair share of physical and mental health issues, and a lot of times it is hard to even hard to get dressed, never mind do something productive. But I watch the news, see the suffering of others who are much worse off than me. It starts the internal berating of myself, where I feel inadequate that I seem to have a lot, but I can’t deal. People have it worse. Someone said that at work today, to me. I didn’t offer a reply, but in my head, it reinforced the belief I was building up about myself.

It doesn’t make for a happy life. It makes every day feel like it’s double the length. My anxiety flares because i feel so guilty and unworthy, it causes my stomach to become unsettled so that every meal I eat, ends up in the sewerage system. It stops me from sleeping, I feel that if I can’t appreciate and enjoy my life, then maybe I shouldn’t wake up in the morning.

But, when in a calmer state, I realise everything I do is completely irrelevant to whatever disaster is in the news. Now, that sounds awful. But bear with me. My anxiety comes in different flavours. Sometimes my brain makes me feel unimportant, and sometimes it makes me feel responsible for EVERYTHING. So, the days where I feel hopeless, I try to break tasks down, like if I don’t process this task, a customer won’t get their refund. It is a small thing, but makes me feel I have a purpose.

When I am a bit more calm, like I am now, I can be logical. I can think of a way round my issues. But when anxiety hits, logic is furthest from my mind. I have donated to charities for the Manchester attack, the Grenfell Tower fire, and many others. Sometimes, feeling like I tried to give something helps calm my anxiety. But if you are struggling with current affairs and are feeling guilty or just questioning your place in the world, sometimes the best thing to do is to not constantly watch the news. I watch half an hour a day, and that’s it.

Don’t allow your mental health to bully you into feeling guilty for something you have nothing to do with. Which is hard, I know. You can also try to speak (or ramble online, like I do) about what you are feeling. If you are having a hard time health-wise, nothing should be-little what you are going through. And if someone tries to, ignore them. Look after yourself and those close to you.

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If you need mental health help visit The Samaritans

Donate to the Grenfell Tower fire fund, this situation is still ongoing, and the death toll is expected to rise. red cross appeal

A Good Kind of Challenge

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life can be very boring if you fill it with things you have already done. Things can get boring and repetitive. How can you expect yourself to get any passion or love for life, if you are bored. If you don’t find joy in things, it is easy to lose all energy and the will to do anything at all.

Sometimes, doing something new is good for you. It can get the adrenaline flowing, and give you a bit of a thrill. Being able to do something new can help you find a bit of self-worth. And that is something that should never been sniffed at. Every single person should strive to do things that makes them feel better. Because once you feel that feeling of joyous achievement, you can get addicted to it. Something completely different to the old feeling of dwelling on your failures.

I remember seeing something somewhere, which said something along the lines of, ‘if you fail at something, it means your journey isn’t finished’. Which is very true. If you are unable to do something, you either try, or move on to something else. Failing to do something shouldn’t be a bad thing. Think it was a bad thing, is what has stopped me trying so much in my life.

In my work, I had to do some, what I would call admin work. It was a headache, because it is the normal kind of thing I can get flustered over, but I didn’t. I just got my head down, and did my best. Which was all I could do. And I have left with the job completed and feeling quite accomplished. Normally I would pass on something like that, but when that option was taken away, I just did it. I feel in a good mood as a result. Which, considering how I have been feeling lately, is a good thing.

Distraction

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

After a crappy few days, there is nothing better than focusing yourself on a task to help calm any bad feeling you may have. It is one of those things that seems impossible to do at times. I guess the important thing is not to force yourself to do something, especially if it is something that you may enjoy. Because forcing yourself on something you actually like, may take the joy away. It is supposed to be a respite for you, not simply another thing to give you anxiety.

I know, with myself, when I have a ‘bad turn’, I usually have to ride it out. I always try to do something, but if I am not in the right frame of mind, then nothing will help. I can easily sit and stare at the same page of a book for an hour, or zone out and miss 2/3 episodes of a TV show. These things that are normally relaxing for me, don’t seem to have the desired effect. There was a time, when I was younger, I actually thought my ‘zoning out’ was simply another thing that made me broken. Because for a long time, that is what I thought of myself. An unfuctioning, broken person. It has taken years of work to realise that I needed to give myself a bit of a break. Being harsh on yourself for having shit mental health, just makes your mental health worse. It is a vicious circle.

When I realised this, I started giving myself a time scale. For example, still staring at the same book page after 15 minutes, close the book and give it a rest. It became a rule that I followed, something I had to train myself to do. Because, if I didn’t, I would do nothing, and then feel bad because I had done nothing. I think that is the hardest thing about trying to self-manage your mental health. You should be strict enough with yourself that you push yourself forward, but you don’t want to be too strict and send yourself backwards. It is hard, and something it has taken me many years to try and get better at. But, I am getting there slowly.

What can be a distraction? Well, anything really. Here is a wee list of things that I use to help me feel a bit better.

Go for a walk- This could be anywhere. Luckily we have a lot of coastal walks around where I live, and I find the smell of the sea air quite relaxing. No matter where it is, a walk is something that gives you the good feeling of exercise. You may go to the park, walk to the shops, walk to a friends or even just walk round the block. I love walking, as it always has the ability of helping me de-stress.

Listen to music- Music can be great. It is a good way to block the world out, which is good if that is what is giving you anxiety. I have a variety of music tastes, and one day I’ll be listening to Pantera, the next Steps, and then some Faithless. Because different things can trigger my anxiety, different music can ease it. Unfortunately, I have a habit of leaving my iPod (with my full music collection) at home, but that is where iTunes, Spotify or Amazon Music come in handy. Every few weeks I make a new playlist. I pick a range of songs, from all different genres. It means, I can have the playlist saved to my phone, have music that is for my mood (whatever that may be), and it doesn’t take up all my phone’s memory.

Watch a TV show- This is hit and miss with me. I don’t have a lot of patience to sit and watch a TV show a lot of the time. But when I am in the mood, I can sit for several hours with the same program. The main services I use are Netflix and Crunchyroll. Again, I have a variety of shows that I am working through. So I can put on The Big Bang Theory when I need background noise, Pretty Little Liars when I want to sit and focus on something longer than 25 minutes or Naruto because I LOVE NARUTO. This again, is because my mood is never the same 2 days in a row, so I like variety.

Watch Youtube- I am addicted to youtube. It is the app I go on to when I am getting ready for bed. I love the variety. I love the variety of content that I can find on there. Watching some daily vlogs do inspire me sometimes, by seeing how motivated other people are, it kind of motivates me. I also like retro gaming, tech stuff (mostly mobiles and computers) and anime (Naruto) commentaries. The good thing is with youtube, especially on the most frequent app updates, you can click one video, and it will automatically set a playlist with similar videos, that it plays automatically. It never fails to cheer me up.

Draw something- I used to be better at this, than what I am now. Nothing I do, ever, compares to how drawing and painting makes me feel. Because of the lack of practice I do, the quality is kind of crappy, but that doesn’t even really matter to me. Whether the cat I drew, looks like a cat, doesn’t matter. I have bought myself these colouring books (the colouring for grown-ups, ones), and as much as I do enjoy them, they aren’t the same as doodling my own wee pattern, and colouring that in. My sketchbook is a mess, but it is mine, and sometimes I can look back and see progress in myself, in how I feel. Which is nice.

As I have said before though, you can do almost anything to distract yourself if you are struggling with mental health. But, do remember not to force yourself to do anything, give it a go, but if you can’t focus, stop. These things are usually so good at being distractions, because you enjoy doing them.

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Mental health is hard. If you are really struggling, you can visit your GP for help. I have found both Breathing Space  and Samaritans to be very helpful. You are never alone as what you feel, and there are so many people out there to help. 

Standing Still

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am getting really irritated about myself. I sometimes feel like I am making progress, with my mental health, but then just go backwards. It’s frustrating.

For example, last week was really positive. I was in a really good mood, which was helped by a quiet few days at work. So I had time to relax, catch up with friends and not working. Which is nice sometimes. However, this all ended by someone saying something negative to me. I feel really stupid, knowing that someone making a throwaway comment can effect me so much. It’s the kind of thing that makes me feel ashamed for feeling bad, and that I am a liability, and no one really needs to be around someone like that.

Thinking like this, is not nice. It is suffocating. Previously, I would just dwell on this feeling, and end up in a terrible state. Now, I try to reach out to people. Well, there is only a handful of people who I feel I can reach out to. This is not to be against people I know. If I feel bad, I feel like a burden. Which is how I tend to feel most the time. It is exhausting.

Afterwards, it is easy to say that any feelings of anxiety are irrational. But that doesn’t help that feeling of utter useless you get, when you are only barely treading water. It sometimes feels I am moving forward, only to come back to square one. But, when I do feel a bit better, I can think with slightly more optimism.

I may return to square 1 time after time, but maybe that square is moving further up the board as I go on. I mean I do know I am better than I even was last year. It is just unbelievably slow.

Back to normal

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been off work for the last week. Needed some time away from work, which everyone needs at some point. I had a week of catching up with friends, and enjoying not having an alarm go off at 5.30am.

But, as with every holiday, the week went too fast, and today was my first day back at work. Back to where I was before I went away. Which is a bit stressy, to be honest. Recently I have been working in a different department with a brand new process. And I am finding that it is triggering my anxiety something awful. Before I went away on holiday, I was having to head to the toilet several times a day, because I was panicking. Which is not nice. It is embarrassing.

I do power through and do my best, but it’s really draining. And today, it felt like I was just back to the same place again. All that relaxing, and i still get worked up over nothing.

I am trying to push myself. I will get to where I need to, but like anything, it takes time. I just have to be patient and not give up. Which, is rather tempting. But nope, got to hustle and get shit done. Own the situation properly.

Another Year Older

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Birthdays used to be fun. They used to mean parties, being spoilt rotten, and the promise of getting older. When you are little, it feels like the world has all these possibilities, that you need to get older to do. It was exciting, it was fun.

Now, in my 30s, that is no longer the case. In fact, my last few birthdays have included time where I have sat on the floor and cried my eyes out. Feeling like I have wasted another year, and that I am never progressing in anything other than age. It always puts a downer on stuff.

I guess a lot of the feelings around birthdays come from others. It is an automatic reaction to look at those around you, and assess how they are doing compared to you. And, well, I have always assumed everyone is much further ahead than me, especially as I’ve got older. Folk are having kids and getting married, and I am not anywhere related to that. Any progress I do make, is slower than a bloody snail. For example, passed my driving test last year, still don’t have a car.

Things are different this year. Though it might not appear so. I am working hard to be better. I am making progress, which is better than none. Babies, moving house, getting a dog, new job, it doesn’t matter what progress is, as long as you move forward, you doing okay. Which is why I am trying to stop comparing my life to others. Yes, most of my friends actually have a career, or a house, or a partner, but they don’t equal anything other than personal growth. And people grow at different speeds.

Or that’s what I am trying to convince myself anyways. Here’s to being 33. Let’s improve on last year.

Not What I Wanted

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have always been one of these people who have two effort levels. Either I obsessively do it, or I just can’t be bothered. This is mostly encouraged by how well I do at something. If I put effort in, and things go well, I will push and push towards a goal. All good. If I put that same effort and fail, I find it really hard to put any more effort into it.

I know that what I am saying isn’t that uncommon. In fact, most people probably have the same issues. If is something that happens in life, and people just have to accept it. But the problem is, that if I don’t try again at something, my brain builds this thing up. Something that is probably of no real concern to anyone, can start to cause me to panic. It is horrible.

When I was at school, I remember that I had two extremes whenever I sat a test. I would either smash it, or I would completely bomb. If I was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t just make one, I’d make ten. And that is something that has continued with me as I go on. I think that a big part is paranoia and lack of confidence. Like, if I think i am doing well, it is all fine. But if I find out I did one thing wrong, i fuck up everything.

It’s hard. I can get so flustered over making silly mistakes. I get upset, because I feel so stupid. I get it in my head that I shouldn’t be making such silly mistakes, I should know better. And I feel worse, and then make more mistakes because I am too busy scolding myself.

The thing no one ever teaches you at school, college or any work place, is how to give yourself a break. It is a foreign concept. But not everyone thrives on constant pressure.