Progress stalled

October 26, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sitting here on my couch feeling sorry for myself. Today has been a rough day, where I have struggled so much. My head hasn’t really been in the space required for being at work all day.

In my last post, I mentioned about completing the apprenticeship at my work. It was something that encouraged me to try and better myself, to look for a new role that I could do at work. Try to find a way to progress into a better role. So when something came up, I applied for it. Had the interview yesterday, and I thought it all went well. I felt I spoke well, and said everything I could to show I’d be good.

The problem is, that whenever I apply for something, I end up visualising myself in that role. For me to give anything positive, I have to believe in myself, and nothing makes me feel self belief more than thinking how good I’d be in the role. The issue with that is that you think you are so suited to the role, you feel like you are really going to get it.

It means when you don’t get the role you want, which is what happened, the rejection hits extra hard. Because you think you were so perfect for the role, that it must be something you have done wrong. And then, for me anxiety takes over. The thoughts which say that the reason you don’t get anything is because you’re stupid. How dare you get ideas above your station, life would be easier if you could just accept your role in life.

I’ve had a cry. Ate a chippy dinner. I’ve written things down. All of which helped. I have asked for feedback, to try and figure out what went wrong. So that I can learn for the next time I apply for something. As long as I can learn something from this experience, it won’t be such negative thing. When I can show that applying for a new role wasn’t a waste of time, I will hopefully feel better.

It all sucks though.

Trying Help

June 29, 2023 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Because my mental health has been poor recently, it has been effecting my work. Where I have been getting very overwhelmed, and struggling to complete my daily tasks. It got to the stage, where a few weeks ago, I was so worked up and had several panic attacks, which led to me speaking to team leads and my manager. I felt so stupid, but I didn’t want to let people down at work anymore.

I was referred to the Occupation Health team at my work, where I was scheduled appointments to discuss my mental health. We started looking at the big triggers, the things that would start me feeling negative about myself and my situation. One of the biggest things are when I feel like I have no plans, or things are out of my control. I feel helpless, and in turn, stupid, which makes me feel very anxious. So, one of the things that were discussed were figuring out a routine that I could do, so that I wasn’t aimless at any point. I did try and set up plans for my mental health a few years back, but I found it really hard to stick to, and because meetings with the doctor were irregular, any plans I made fell away.

I am currently having appointments with the occupational health therapist once a week. We talk about the things regularly, and I have tasks to go away and think about. It feels very pro-active, which has been very helpful. Sometimes I think that it is nice to talk to someone who seems to understand what I am thinking, and can even offer some suggestions as to why I think the way I do. I always feel silly when I try to speak about the way I am thinking, but to have some validation, it feels nice. It is like I am not as daft as I think I am, which is strange, but does make me feel good.

I am concerned that at some point, I won’t have these meetings any more, and I won’t be able to keep up any plans I have made. But, I am getting ahead of myself. I am making steps, and they seem to be going forward, for once.

Things To Do When You Are Unable To ‘Do’

June 26, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written on here previously, that I have rheumatoid arthritis. Which is something that leaves me sore most days, especially days where I am not physically running around at my work. Days where I am left sitting in the house, because moving around, or even doing the most basic task is difficult. For days, like this, I find that I need to have tasks that take my mind away from the frustrations, that being in pain can bring. I also feel like if I do nothing, then I am letting myself ‘waste a day’, which is a big problem with my anxiety, and starts a whole different problem.

The easiest thing to do is have things that are accessible for me to do. Which, considering most of the problems I have are either with my feet or hands, can sometimes be challenging, especially when you don’t have a very good attention span. But, there are some things that I like to do.

Reading: Something that has always relaxed me is reading. I love the idea that you can become absorbed in another world from the safety of your own home. I have always read physical books as a preference, I find comfort in holding a book in my hands and seeing the visual progress as I read my way through. However, when I am sore, holding a book can be hard. So, I have a Kindle, and Kindle apps on my phone and iPad, so that I can read on whatever is easiest for me to manage. But sometimes, a digital device isn’t enough, which leads me to audiobooks. Not something I have ever grown up appreciating, but I do now. If I just need to lie and wait for pain killers to kick in, I can play a book on my phone, or amazon echo, and I can still drift away into a world that hopefully isn’t as sucky as mine. I am currently listening to Where The Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and it is a great story.

Writing: I know I haven’t been posting very much on here, but I have still been writing notes and pages of stuff on my computer and phone. I have grown up writing in journals, progressing to keeping blogs online. But, one of the biggest barriers for me, was finding that typing and even holding a pencil could be really challenging. If my hands don’t want to co-operate, then I couldn’t write. Luckily, these days with all the technology, voice-to-text features on most modern devices, which means that I can dictate what I want to say to my computer or phone. It is something that I am only still getting used to, but I have used it to help me create this blog today. I just need to remember to proof read, because as good as it is, mistakes are still made.

TV: I am awful at watching new tv shows. It takes me months to get through anything that I haven’t seen before. I can normally, at the most, get through 2-3 episodes at a time. If it is on normal scheduled TV, it’s even worse, because I forget when the show airs, quickly fall behind, and then can’t be bothered anymore. And sometimes, I find myself getting worked up because I can’t even watch a TV show. So, I go back and watch old TV shows I have watched a million times before. The shows I am currently watching are Daria, Friends, Gossip Girl, South Park, and Gilmore Girls. I usually end the final series, and go back to the start again. I think it’s comforting to know that if my attention wanes and I stop watching, it doesn’t matter because I have seen it all before. It sounds silly, but it is like a comfort blanket. Which, when I am feeling crappy, comfort is what I need.

The biggest problem with hobbies, like drawing, is that I am struggling. I know it sounds silly, but I have lost a lot of interest in things around me. It does seem like it’s because I have been struggling with my mental health. But finding things that I can enjoy is better than focusing on things that I am struggling with. Try to boost any positive feelings I can get.

Pushing It

May 16, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These last few months have been tiring. My mental health has been awful, and I have been really physically sore. It has meant that I have felt really drained a lot of the time. Which means I am back in hibernation mode. Where I go out for work, and don’t have the energy to do anything else.

I will maybe have energy to do things for one day, and that’s it. So, I will maybe start tidying, do a food shop, arrange to meet up with a friend. But the next day, I just stare at the wall for hours, not having the energy to get up and do anything else. In fact, getting up to do anything becomes mentally and physically stressful, and it’s like I am constantly walking into the same brick wall. It is exhausting.

I am trying to keep going. I work well with a list sometimes, my brain seems to function well seeing what I have to focus on. But, sometimes, the items on the list take longer, or I forget to look at it. And, rather quickly, that manageable list of tasks, turn into something that seems impossible. Just another set of things that I failed at. I fail at everything, so may as well add some more on to the list.

It feels horrible.

But, I am trying. I am trying to do the things I am supposed to do. The things that I promise. The things that will make life easier. Whether it be doing things for work, or trying to get uni stuff sorted out. It kind of sucks, because when I explain about doing things, people don’t even pretend to be interested anymore. Why be interested? I am stuck doing entry level work because I don’t have a degree, and nobody has faith that I can anything apart from the bare minimum. I try to work harder, to show people that I can do well, but I get so far and just get stuck.

I’m frustrated. But I am trying to do a Pride display, for next month, for my work. Hopefully it works out. I just want to do something well for once.

Ups And Downs

May 4, 2023May 4, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When I speak about my health issues, especially related to my mental health, people always become judgemental. It often is something that just happens, they haven’t set out to make someone feel bad. It’s just a thing that happened.

When I am with friends, family, or doing something I enjoy, I may be smiling and joking around. Something I do because I feel comfortable in the situation I am in. And because I am laughing with people, doesn’t mean I don’t go home afterwards, and critique everything that I had said, that day. Usually noting that I am stupid, and that people only hang around me because they feel bad I am so stupid.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it’s like a punch in the gut. It feels awful, and actually affects how I feel about a time I originally enjoyed.

It is hard to try and combat these feelings as is, without people saying that the anxiety that I have, that causes me to react to such things do negatively, is fake. People have said, to my face, that I am making things up for attention. Which makes thing worse.

You never know what someone else is going through, so it’s always good to be kind. And, people just want to understand their own mind, so that they can deal with things better in their day-to-day lives. That’s all.

Just A Weight

April 26, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, I have been struggling. My health, both mental and physical, have been absolutely rotten. I feeling like I am treading water, just doing enough to stay afloat.

I have been doing things, socially, and these moments are highlights. But after every night out, every occasion, i always end up analysing everything that happened. I just seem to seek out anything bad. It is not anything that I do consciously, it just happens when I go over everything that occurred. I don’t just think ‘oh, we went to that bar’. It is more, ‘we went to that bar, and then I said this and it was so stupid’. And I focus on the bad feeling.

This happens all the time. Where I feel bad over nothing, and I then fear that I will then ruin things for other people. Sometimes, it is easier to just spend time on my own. That way the only person I annoy is myself. I feel for people who try to be friends with me, because I really am useless.

March 27, 2023 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Daily writing prompt

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

View all responses

I always wish that I was able to deal with things better. I have never been good at dealing with bad stuff as it comes up, and have a habit of burying my head in the sand. That, of course, never fixes anything, and things often start to snowball out of control.

I have this problem with my anxiety, where it’s like my thought process is, ‘if I can’t see it, it’s not happening’. Which is obviously stupid, if I were to think logically. But, logic doesn’t come into play when my mind is in anxiety mode. It is so frustrating, because sometimes, by the time I get my act together, it’s too late. I have already made a mess, I can’t recover at all. So, I fail, which is one of the big triggers for my anxiety, this constant sense of failure. So, as you can imagine, it becomes very easy to spiral out of control. Where, I don’t return messages, don’t do task I need to do, don’t make appointments. It is like I am functioning, but barely enough to get by.

However, I have spent the last 15 years or so, trying different things to ‘fix it’, but nothing works. I think I need to accept that my brain will add 1 + 1 and get 3, and find a way to work around it. I need to think of a way, a plan, that I can action when I can feel ‘that feeling’. If I notice myself ignoring messages, I have a plan. Because all that happens is that I feel guilty, and then don’t want to deal with the thing I didn’t do, because I feel like the longer I delay, the less times I can let people down. Or not, trying to explain my thinking when I don’t understand it half the time, is hard.

Understanding Absence

March 20, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This blog has been abandoned over the last while. I say ‘while’ because I have neglected this site for a long time. I have barely posted, and the posts that I do post seem to go round in circles. It is frustrating, because I started blogging to try and help sort my mind out. Because, my mind is a muddled mess, full of forgotten appointments, half-done tasks, barely started potential new hobbies, with a topping of self-hatred. It really is the most delightful place.

Whilst writing was something that I did routinely, at some point, it has become ‘just another task’, that sits beside making my bed, doing laundry, and the other things that are left undone. I can find myself staring at my bedroom wall, whilst lying on my bed, just stuck. A feeling made worse, when my arthritis is playing up. Lack of movement means pain, and when I feel mentally ‘off’, it feels impossible to even sit up in bed. Because to be able to deal with physical pain, you need to have the mental strength to push through. Without it, everything just feels impossible, almost too hard.

It is tiring. At this point, it feels like I am made to fail. That everything I hoped, once upon a time, has not happened. Yes, I laugh and do things, but they are tape holding things together. And not the Gorilla Glue tape. More the 5 rolls for £1 from Poundland, where the only thing it sticks to is itself. I am exhausted. I work hard, but I know I am not always doing my best because I just feel weighed down. And, because I struggle, I assume that everyone around me knows it, and judges me for it. Like, I am letting folk down all the time.

I have been looking at ways to try and improve things, but it feels impossible. Everything seems to be ignored unless it jumps right out at me. I just don’t know where to begin.

I Doubt It

January 6, 2023 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

For me, every New Year starts off with me aiming to be nicer to myself. Try to be kinder to myself, no matter what is going on around me. Because if you are more forgiving towards yourself, things become a lot easier to solve. Or, so I have read, anyway. And, I always try to be positive, a bit ‘shit happens to everyone’, kind of attitude. Think less PMA, and more not hating myself over every silly little thing.

First real obstacle is that I lost my house keys a few days ago. Have spent the last few days looking everywhere for them. They are very noticeable, as they have a bell on a keyring. This is because I like large bags, which means the house keys fall to the bottom of said bag. So if I have a bell, it helps me find them easier. Except, when they are nowhere to be found. I have searched everywhere I had been the last day I had my keys. The house, the garden, put a message on Facebook, sent a email to Stagecoach, in case I left them on the bus. Nothing has been found.

This is where I get like ‘how stupid am I to lose something as important as keys’. I get really angry with myself, because I should know better. In the last few days, I have had multiple panic attacks over being so bloody stupid. I have been struggling to sleep over it, because I feel like I can’t even do the most basic thing. I have had a look around the house again this evening, and it’s lead to me having another panic attack, and then sitting on the floor and crying.

Hopefully, if I can write things down, the rational thoughts will stay behind. Probably not. I’ll just end up grumpy and irritable. Which is what always happens. Hooray for crappy mental health. It’s exhausting.