I Doubt It

For me, every New Year starts off with me aiming to be nicer to myself. Try to be kinder to myself, no matter what is going on around me. Because if you are more forgiving towards yourself, things become a lot easier to solve. Or, so I have read, anyway. And, I always try to be positive, a bit ‘shit happens to everyone’, kind of attitude. Think less PMA, and more not hating myself over every silly little thing.

First real obstacle is that I lost my house keys a few days ago. Have spent the last few days looking everywhere for them. They are very noticeable, as they have a bell on a keyring. This is because I like large bags, which means the house keys fall to the bottom of said bag. So if I have a bell, it helps me find them easier. Except, when they are nowhere to be found. I have searched everywhere I had been the last day I had my keys. The house, the garden, put a message on Facebook, sent a email to Stagecoach, in case I left them on the bus. Nothing has been found.

This is where I get like ‘how stupid am I to lose something as important as keys’. I get really angry with myself, because I should know better. In the last few days, I have had multiple panic attacks over being so bloody stupid. I have been struggling to sleep over it, because I feel like I can’t even do the most basic thing. I have had a look around the house again this evening, and it’s lead to me having another panic attack, and then sitting on the floor and crying.

Hopefully, if I can write things down, the rational thoughts will stay behind. Probably not. I’ll just end up grumpy and irritable. Which is what always happens. Hooray for crappy mental health. It’s exhausting.

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