Category: 2019

Living In Disappointment

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written about my mental health a lot on this blog. It is something that I have struggled with since my teenage years, and I find that writing about things is a lot easier than talking about them. But there is something that I don’t really talk about.

The constant feeling of disappointing people.

I am classed as ‘high functioning’ with my mental health, because I can work and generally do ‘normal’ things. Work helps me, because I find the routine helps with my anxiety, it is something regular, where I can get my head down and work hard. It distracts my overactive brain from overthinking things. I can talk to colleagues about nothing in particular, and it is good.

A lot of the time, anxiety hits after work, where I think about what I have done wrong, and I ALWAYS think there is something I have done wrong. And it sometimes takes me a while before I can get myself together enough to go and do anything else. Sometimes, it’s just too hard.

I feel like it takes a lot of energy to be ‘okay’ for work. I make myself go on because I need money, I need work so I can do the things I like. But sometimes, it means I don’t have the energy nor the mental capacity to deal with things outside work. And that means I can’t always make it to things. When things are out of my routine, my anxiety can be triggered. It means I can have a panic attack at anything.

My anxiety means that I sometimes can’t enjoy social events, as I fear I will get upset and ruin it for other people. Bring people down when they are doing something good. So, I find myself denying requests to go out, or not being forthcoming in arranging things with people. But, instead of feeling bad for ruining an event, i feel bad for letting a friend down. And I feel the assumption is that i don’t care. But that is not the case at all.

Really Bad At This

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Hobbies are great. They are small things that can make daily life a bit more bearable. Can give a person something positive to focus on.

Over the years, I have had quite a few hobbies. At school there was a lot of sports and many trips to my local library for so many books. As I got older, and the normal teenage insecurities grabbed hold, I found myself focusing on more indoor tasks. I would write, draw and read a lot. Usually, I would be avoiding to do things, but these hobbies helped make me so happy.

Unfortunately, as my mental health started to decline, so did my ability to enjoy these hobbies. Most people would tell me to move on, find something else that interests me. But, I don’t know what else interests me. My attention span is currently soo rubbish, that I can’t seem to ‘get into’ anything. It feels like being surrounded by brick walls, where I end up simply throwing myself on the couch to watch tv.

I have recently made some progress, where I have found that audiobooks, something that I have never really bothered with previously. I have listened to books when I have been out for a walk, in my car, and just before I go to bed. My anxiety has caused me to struggle with sleep and half an hour listening to a book gets me ready for bed. And I am sleeping so much better, since I started putting aside the time to listen to something.

I won’t give up on doing the things I love, it is just going to take work to get it to be doable in my daily life again.

I Had A Dream

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What did you want to be when you grew up?

One of the things I wanted was to play football. I remember when I was younger, going to play football with the ‘bigger boys’ in the field next to my house. I was always the only girl, but it was fun. At Primary School, I could play football and train with the boys, and it was all fine. However, from around 12ish, I wasn’t allowed to play in a team with boys anymore. I had to play on a girls team. This was awful news, not enough girls in my school wanted to play football, and all the youth clubs focused on boys. It was like hitting a brick wall.

I found other hobbies, but I ended up backing away from football and rugby, both sports I had played in my younger childhood. I wasn’t ‘one of the boys’ enough, nor did i have the confidence, to push myself to make myself a place with the boys. I didn’t really feel like I could go out of my comfort zone, and look for a girls team, as none of the youth clubs nearby, had anything. So, other than the odd kick about with my brother, I didn’t really play anymore. But I still had a reoccurring dream of playing for Scotland with Ally McCoist (so much wrong with that).

I didn’t stop supporting football, the opposite. My main team became Dunfermline Athletic, and I also followed Blackpool and Aberdeen. I watched Scotland international games, and in fact still go to at least one away game a year. Football is definately my favourite sport. But it still hurts that I kind of stopped playing, in fact, I remember crying in my bed after school, cause I wanted to play with the boys and play in tournaments.

Mixed playing happens still, in Scotland girls can play with boys, till they hit 15 years old. This means that girls can play with the boys, should there not be a girls team available for them. And there are girls teams now at every youth football club in my local area. This is great, and means less girls give up playing a sport that they love. In some countries in Europe, there is no age limit, or there are mixed teams up to under-21 level. This is great. None of that stuff was in place when I became a teenager in the 90s. I remember me and my friend tried to start a girls football team at High School. A PE teacher supported us, and we scheduled training for after school on a Monday. And then 7 people showed up. It was disheartening, because the school was going to help us get games and stuff. But netball and hockey were more popular with girls, so we were quickly cancelled and forgotten about.

I grew up understanding that I could be a fan, and that’s it. Reccently I have been watching the Woman’s World Cup, held in France. It has been a great celebration of the ladies game. It felt huge because Scotland qualified for the tournament, which was amazing. It’s the biggest stage the woman’s game has had here in Scotland, it was advertised everywhere. Every game was on TV, and I saw these women play the game and live the dream that I had as a wee girl. It was amazing.

The tournament has now finished (USA won), and I hope that football organisations all over the world realise that the girls game needs investment. It’s come a long way since I was little, but it’s moving in the right direction.

Physically Easier

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone goes through a period of illness. A period where you just want to close yourself off from the world until you feel better. And it happens to everyone.

I have talked previously about how I sometimes have panic attacks, and they can vary from hyperventilating to bouts of being sick. The worst thing about them, is that they can be set off by nothing in particular. I can be working away perfectly happily, and suddenly I will feel inadequate and start panicking. This normally involves crying. I shouldn’t need to inform anyone, publicly crying at the age of 35 is really embarrassing. It is even worse when you can’t explain why you are crying.

For a lot of people, mental health often impacts them most when they don’t expect it. And that, makes it very difficult to deal with. It means that people have to almost re-learn their own behaviours, to try and combat them. Whilst problems, like depression and anxiety, can be suffocating at times, it can mutate the issue to another level when you have to try and explain it to someone else.

For a long time, I felt that I was doing something wrong. I’d experience mental health issues, try to speak to someone about, and would find myself belittled. I wish it was a rare thing, but most people who have suffered with mental health issues, have been told at sometime to ‘grow up and get over it’. These throwaway comments can hurt someone who is going through a time where they feel vulnerable. And it can make it difficult to try and talk when you do feel bad, as you automatically assume that everything will just be thrown back in your face.

As I said before, sometimes I my anxiety hits hard and I can be physically sick. When this happens, I will tell people that I ‘don’t feel well’ rather than trying to explain it’s mental health related. When I say that I have been physically sick, people as if I’m okay, and leave me alone. However, if I state my anxiety is giving me hell, then people want to know exactly why I am feeling like this. It’s difficult because I know a lot of people just want to help, but if I had the answers, I would be able to help myself.

People need to realise how they speak to people with mental health issues. Don’t belittle a person, and don’t be too prying either. It’s difficult, but someone suffering just needs you to be there and respect where they are, mentally. Don’t expect a person to come forward with loads of answers, because a lot of the time, they don’t know what is causing them to have a bad mental health day/week/month. What they don’t need is 50 questions fired in their direction.

I hope, at some stage, I’ll be able to say, ‘my mental health is shit’, and that be enough. But till then, I just appear to constantly have a vomiting bug.

Changing Spaces

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This year, I have had this blog running for 10 years. That is a huge part my life. I was at High School for less years. It is pretty crazy, and something that I forget.

My blog has had the same look for the last several years. It works great for what I need, but it feels boring. I have decided to give things a bit of a fresh look. Not really sure what kind of thing I am looking for.

I guess, it all depends on where I want to take this blog in the future. I do a lot of writing, but do I bring more pictures into my posts? Try to make my content more varied? It is hard, because, I know what works for me, what keeps me coming back to post time and time again. Writing is a release for me, something I can do to relax myself after a bad day. It has become a place which has documented some of the most trying times in my life. And, I feel like I have grown attached to this site, as a result.

It is why I have always been scared to try and remodel things. It could end up looking awful, and I just won’t like it. I guess, the good thing is, that I will always be able to try something else if one thing doesn’t work.

So, just a warning, things might appear out of sorts on here for a bit, whilst I figure out what I am doing

May Challenge: Space

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I have a confession.

I am a hoarder.

Not as bad as those people on reality tv shows. But, I have a problem with giving things up. I still have hundreds of CDs and books, when everything is supposedly digital.

This means that everything feels cramped, there is no room for new things. So the answer is, get rid of stuff. Which sounds simple. But I seem to find a reason to keep a hold of everything. I don’t think it helps my mental health if I were to be honest. Because I feel stuck, I need to move on mentally and I can’t because I physically can’t move on.

I really don’t know how to fix it. I’ve watched Marie Kondo, which helped a little. But it’s hard. I think, like many people in this consumerist society, I spent money to make myself feel better. Now, much effort has been taken to find other things that make me happy, but it involves changing so much behaviour. It’s pretty difficult.

May Challenge: Mundane

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I find it hard to be creative, sometimes. Especially when it feels like life is very boring. Sometimes you wake, work, eat, sleep, rinse and repeat. It feels very boring because you do the same thing every day and it is very hard to get inspired. It can feel hard enough trying to function in your daily life without the need for inspiration to strike.

And, that is what I tend to struggle with the most. I am a naturally creative, person. I like keeping busy by making things. But, you often need to be able to imagine those things before you can create them. It has become one of those problems that has become difficult to describe to people who aren’t of the creative mind. Like, how do you find the interesting, in the mundane?

When someone finds the answer, it would be great if they would let me in on the secret.

This month, although I haven’t stuck to this challenge, I have been able to keep at it. The topic sitting at the sidelines, means that, if I can switch off, I can try and do something. And like most things, creativity becomes easier once you have beaten the mental block. And, for me that is good. As sometimes the challenges I opt into, don’t have any prompts, and that often makes my mental block worse. As if I can’t imagine random content ad hoc, how can I do it on demand? So, maybe going forward, I shall try and look at prompt lists, just to have in the background. Just to be there if I feel the need to write, but can’t think up anything.

The important thing is that if you do feel fed-up with life, try to find the differences in every day, or add stuff to your routine that makes it better. Most lives feel mundane, no matter the person or the job. Every job has its routine, the boring, but essential, parts. So part of adulthood may be learning to find the excitement within the mundane.

Late Night Post

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s been one of those days, where I should have just stayed in bed. It’s been a day full of bad luck, which is pretty annoying. But I suppose those kind of days do happen sometimes.

I was so tired until I came up to my bed. And now I am wide awake, and decided to test out my new wireless keyboard. I have recently become an owner of an iPad 6. I originally had an iPad 2, but it broke a while ago. When I had my previous iPad, and any other tablet device since, I always wanted to do my writing on a more physical keyboard, rather than the touch screen. So, this week, I found a deal online, which included a new case for my iPad, as well as a wireless keyboard.

I own a Lenovo laptop, which I do most things on. But sometimes, I want to write without having to go through starting up a computer. The iPad is great for that, as it switches on so quick. And this wee wireless keyboard is great for typing wee things. It will be great for when I am out and about and have time to kill. Cause I don’t really like carrying around my laptop, which sounds stupid.

I am planning on getting back on track for the last week or so of my May Challenge, but I just wanted to post something since I can’t sleep.

May Challenge: Curtains

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

First off, apologies. I haven’t been in a writing way of thinking during the last few days. I had course work due in, as well as pretty bad mental health. So, I gave myself a break for a few days. It’s okay, I told myself that might happen, so I had prepared to just jump back on things when I felt better. No pressure, just post when I felt like it, and the challenge gives me topics to focus on.

Today’s topic is curtains, and I’m one of these weird people who rarely closes their bedroom curtains. I don’t know why, but it’s something I have got into over the years. I think it’s because if the sun is going to peak it’s face out early, then it can help wake me up. And it does work. However, it does mean that when the window cleaner comes round early doors, there is a chance that if it’s my day off, I could be still sleeping. Which is great.

When my depression was more out of control, curtains had more of a purpose. I didn’t want to deal with the world, so I shut it out. Things are safer if you don’t have to actually deal with everyone. Now, it’s almost like the opposite. I have open curtains, I want to experience the world, but I am prone to anxiety attacks that will keep me in my bed. I sometimes wish I could explain to people how difficult it can be trying to push yourself when your brain has applied the breaks. When I feel bad, it can take me hours get up and go to the bathroom. I just have no focus, no nothing. I start to panic, and my body feels of pins and needles. The feeling can last 10 minutes, or an entire day.

So maybe, having the curtains always open can allow me hope that one day, my mental health will take the back seat. That I will be able to enjoy every day. Let in every experience, like the window let’s in the light. Maybe, this battle will continue on for another 20 years, maybe it will change. I have to hope it will.

May Challenge: Umbrella

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There are some things that you have to just understand that you just cannot have certain things in your life. And for me, it is an umbrella. You see, I live in Scotland, near the coast, and on top of a hill. If I try to use an umbrella, two things would happen. It would break within a few minutes, or I would be flying through the sky like an overweight Mary Poppins.

The wind that we experience, where I live, has bested many umbrellas, both cheap and expensive. When it rains, which it does often, the drops always come in at some kind of angle. And it is best to just wear something with a hood, and get on with it.

I think an umbrella can deal as (a bad) metaphor for what it is like dealing with mental health. The umbrella, is the shelter from the rain for most people. It is an efficient way to keep a person dry. However, it isn’t the solution for everyone. I struggle to shelter myself from the negative thoughts that occur in my head. It can feel like I am drowning, and the only thing I can do is get my head down and carry on. Which is hard.

So I am a little bit like a drowned rat, most of the time. But I’m still here. Still plodding with very little success. But sometimes, enjoying the rainfall and realising you aren’t alone, is enough of a success.