Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Monday Madness

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The start of another week. Already. Sometimes I wish that the time would slow down a little, as it seems to go too fast. It feels, especially at the moment, that I spend most of my time procrastinating or lying in bed. Lying in bed, procrastinating. *sigh* I have no idea why I am like this, but it means that I feel the passing of time so much more. Mostly, because I have these ideas, which go nowhere because I am too lazy to put these ideas into action.

There is a good thing. I am currently very energetic (possibly thanks to the coffee). So I am painting things for my Christmas cards, drawing sketches for a project I am helping a friend out with, and I even tidied up a little. This is crazy. I am NEVER that motivated, so I have to make the best of it whilst it’s here.

So I am watching Rosianna and wishing that I had friends who used the internet and valued it as much as I do. Yes, I value the internet. It is there for every purpose. It is there when I need to let any aggravation out. And, if needed, I will get feedback from the internet when I want it. And the thing is, I don’t know anyone who thinks that me having two blogs is a good idea, they don’t see why I would want to record myself for youtube. Sometimes I would like to spend more time with people so that we could encourage each other to make better web content. Because, that is what most of what we do online is. Creating content.

Even if you post a Facebook comment once in a blue moon, or you write a daily blog, you are packaging a piece of yourself for the world to see. To me, I think it is great, but I know a lot of people don’t think outside their own profile page. I think it is amazing that we can document our lives through these avenues of expression, and that other people can see what we have to say. I created my original blog over on LiveJournal, way back in 2005. And it came with me, on a large portion of my life. I know that if I had written such thoughts down in a book, the book would be lost as would the thoughts. So it is nice to have them to document who I was at that point.

I think that is where the perception of ‘time’ hits me. I look back at what I have done, and it doesn’t feel so long ago, and then I look at the date. I realise how much I have done between then and now, and just reflect on it all. Which is great. I mean, I blogged about when I used to self-harm. And as uncomfortable as it was to read all that, it is great to know that I can deal with things a lot better these days. It makes me feel like I have achieved something fairly major in my life. And that although, I had shared my feelings over the internet, it really doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than myself.   It shows me that I can do things, if I stick to it. And that, is sometimes just what I need to hear.

Crash! Bang! Wallop!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Are the noises my brain made, as I tried to shake it into s0me level of activity after it grinded to a hault. It failed, though I must point out, walking around the house shaking your head is frowned upon, especially when there are people in the house.

There has been a lack of everything being updated, because I have not been the computer. There has been updates to twitter, but I would say that is about it.  I am having problems with NaNoWriMo, the first week was awesome, and I was so into things, but I just fell so far behind, after almost a whole week of ignoring the story. -.- Yes, this is not how you do this. It is two weeks tomorow, since it started, and I should be almost half way. I am at 10,000 words. So, I guess I need to stop ignoring, and start writing.

As an appology, please accept this gift of the firework display I filmed last weekend.

 

Life, oh life

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Getting in the way again. I have been a bad blogger over the last while. And I have no real excuse. I have been online, I just haven’t had anything to say.

Which is unusual, I’ll tell you that.

I am getting very frustrated with technology right now, whether it be website not loading, computer crashing or just not being able to get online. It has been a major pain, because I am trying to get myself motivated, and things are getting in the way, not making life any easier.

I am trying to lift myself up. Going to spend next weekend painting Christmas cards, as I need to get them ready. This is a trial. I want to see how the Christmas cards are received. If people like them, then I may look to selling them or something. I don’t know. I think it would be nice for people to get hand painted cards, and not store bought. I think the worst thing is the handicraft stuff. The make your own card stuff, that includes cut out pictures, with little foam sticky squares to stick things together.

It sounds terrible. I just think that if you are going to go to the effort to construct something, you may as well create the things from scratch. Yes, what you make may not be perfect, but it will be made  by you. And that love and satisfaction  that you get for yourself for making it all. It feels great.

I think my issue is, that the handicraft stuff reminds me of the things we used to be forced to do at Primary School, when the the teacher either couldn’t be bothered, or just wasn’t very artistic. Yes it was fun, but I used to always think I could do better myself, without the worksheets. I think that must be my problem with the things.

But then, if someone is expressing themselves creatively, who am I to berate what they like. I guess, if everyone did like the same thing, it would be a very boring life/

An Online Life?

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Coming under the realisation that everything from watching TV to keeping a note what book I am reading is done online, I am trying to think if I am spending too much time online.  I guess the realisation was part of watching this video on youtube.

It is from 2009, so the issue with over saturation may be worse. In fact, the people who I know, who now use sites like Facebook, have increased since 2009.  OK, a lot of people don’t seem to use these websites that much, and use them as another way to contact friends and relatives. And there is nothing wrong with that. The services that are used, tend to be free, and are so much more appealing than paying a phone call or meeting up, where you need to buy food, coffee, etc. But the issue is, which is what is covered on many avenues both online and off it, that we get so much more information from people that we may not be of particular interest anymore.

It makes it harder to decipher what is important, so that we should care about it, and what should we be ignoring. Everything from estranged school friend’s photos from a night out and alerts about browser games to heart felt messages from a friend in need. They are all posted with the same level of importance. And with the high volume of information, would a person look into their Facebook timeline enough to get the information to help their friend?

Probably not. We just blend all the nonsense into one thing, and if it isn’t at the top of the page, we just don’t see things. So, there is truth in what the video above states about our attention span. But the one thing I do disagree with, is the dislike of reading which is lengthier than the average status update. Maybe it’s because I fell in love with the internet, through using forums and blogging sites. And that is still what I do. *shrugs* So I guess, I am part of the exception.

I use social networking A LOT. Seriously, think I am kidding, follow me on twitter. I like the fact that I have different things on different sites. A lot of things get shared on Facebook. But that is easy, because Facebook is very good at linking together with other sites, such as YouTube, GetGlue and well, WordPress. So it adds more personality, in that it shows my blog posts and what videos I like, but it is, ironically, less personal. I don’t have to access Facebook to post things, and a lot of the time, I don’t go near the place.

But then you have Smartphones, with access to all the social networks.  It makes it even easier to tweet what is on your head, and use FourSquare to show where you are. It sounds strange to most people, but to some it is great to meet people. Why? When in Blackpool over the summer, I went into a bar and checked in using FourSquare. FourSquare posted through Twitter, that I was at such and such pub. And the next thing I knew, Tanny, a girl who saw my tweet, came and introduced herself, and said that she, like me, was alone in this pub as her friends were passed out at her hotel. We had a drink, went for food. I made a friend.

Yes social networking gets bad press, but used well it can bring people together. It goes beyond function, and becomes magical. My relationship with the internet, is as well rooted as my relationship with music, which is the love of my life.

NaNoWriMo planning

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So I posted this this morning.

Yes, I am getting prepared for NaNoWriMo which starts in about a week and a half. Because I did so badly last year, I am going to use my notebook to try and keep a note of plots, what I want to happen, etc. So I am hopefully that will work out okay.

I have been getting back into Vlogging again, and actually have filmed 3 vlogs in the last week, which is a big deal for me. I am RUBBISH at recording videos. I think of an idea, and then never ever record. But I am making the effort to record videos again.

This is what I was talking about before. I seem to be all creative right now. And because I don’t know how long it will last for, I shall be making the most of it.

Feeling Forlorn?

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Ok, not so much. I just really wanted to use the word ‘forlorn’. I don’t believe that word is used enough. For a word meaning sadness, it just sounds so impressive. *cough* Sorry, couldn’t think of a title, for what is, yet another, rambling blog of nothing. I use a blog, like a diary, so I expect to see the ups and downs of my journey through life, all documented on a web page. Or a few web pages. Actually, with the amount of blogs I run, I think it may be more than ‘a few web pages’.  Oh well.

I am feeling all motivated today. It coincides with time off work, and actually doing things, such as tidying up. I guess, when I do something with my day, I can’t help but feel more satisfied and motivated. Which is good, I think that it must be something psychological. I mean, if you feel down, the main advice is to pick yourself up and carry on. I think this may because once you start doing things, momentum gets you doing more. It is getting up and started which is hard.

I, think, that because I have done quite a lot today, for me. It has me scribbling down ideas for future projects. Optimism is a great feeling, and isn’t something I am used to. I tend to be more the-glass-is-half-empty, kind of girl, so when I do feel good, I have to document it. I have to talk about how great I feel, and the ideas I have, just because I feel I should spread my happiness.

So if you feel forlorn, power through it, and when you feel good SHOUT IT OUT!! *sings Hanson*

Black Hole of Blackness

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Been playing around with a lot of things recently.

In that I am trying to get my online self sorted. *cough* Yes, this has been something I have been trying to do for a few years now, but, I am rubbish at actually doing things, creatively on-line.  The volume of studying I am supposed to have done, you’d think I’d be able to do things. But, alas, my brain is like a whiteboard, in that information disappears way too easily.

I am pretty sure, that comes across as a complaint. It isn’t meant to. I just have to be doing things a lot, for me to actually remember how to do them. The thing is, a lot of the things that I should have been practising, I haven’t, and hence have forgotten how to do them. One of these things is ‘web design’, and I just feel that if someone looks at me, trying to decipher a page of HTML, they’d see the huge question mark floating above my head.

So, after, much umming and erring, I am getting back into things. Or I will try. Going to work through things, bit by bit, and hopefully refresh my mind a little. I haven’t had any projects for a while, as I have been feeling rather ‘unworthy’ of anything, to be honest. But, I aim to psych myself up, and hopefully get somewhere. I need money, so I am hoping to work hard enough to get things going.

One thing college never teaches you, is how to keep up motivation when things seem to be going nowhere. It is hard. It is hard to stay well-versed, so that when something does come along, you aren’t like a deer in the headlights. I guess I am getting at that point, where I am sick of sitting watching other people get what they want. Three of my closest friends are doing jobs they wanted to do at school. And I work in a call centre. And I take it to heart when all I want to be successful, and I work hard, only to get nowhere. Maybe I should have been more practical when picking out my career when I was younger. Maybe if I aimed for something a bit more reachable, I would be happier with ‘my lot’.

But, as always I will power through the bad feelings. Only because I am running away from the bad feelings, because I hate feeling so powerless. And yet, it is trying to find the strength to be the person I want to be, that is so hard. I just seem to mess up at every opportunity, and it is hard to keep trying after failing so many times.

Sorry. *cough* In a pondering mood, and am a bit lonely. So, dear blog, you bear the brunt.

It Disney Make It Better?

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It’s a day where I have nothing notable to do. So how do I occupy my time?

The same as every other person of a certain disposition, who has an internet connection. I browse the internet for useless information and obscure things that  no one really cares about.

Well, noone except me. This involves me looking up dumped plotlines from the Lion King movie, and why they were abandoned. I mean, as intriguing as it is, I am glad Disney decided against killing Simba along with Scar. It was traumatic enough seeing Simba kill himself in a fake game (see previous post) without him dying in the official stuff.

But this looking into the Disney archives, and viewing the Vault releases, makes me happy I got to enjoy the Disney renascence as a kid. I mean, getting to see Beauty & The Beast, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Oliver & Company and obviously The Lion King, were big parts of my childhood. Seeing those movies growing up, helped push me to being more creative, painting backgrounds, drawing characters, it took me where I am today. The stories that we watched as children, help form the opinions and ideas that we take through to our adult life.

Disney has always got a lot of bad-press for making everything seem like a fairy tale, and that things will always end up ok. That isn’t an unhealthy thing to teach anyone. It is basic positive mental attitude, I mean if you think the world is all doom and gloom, how do you even get up in the morning. The truth is, you can’t. Disney teaches people that obsticles will come into your path, but if you power through and be honest with yourself, it will get better. That is a brilliant ethos, an ethos that people want to take away from Disney, because it is one of the biggest companies in the world. Surely, it doesn’t matter how big someone is, if they encourage people to live good lives, then why take the good aspect away from them?

Increasingly, there have become adults, very much like myself, who delve into the world of Disney on a regular basis, to bring light into their lives. Much like religion, people pick out the parts of Disney’s rich history, to give them encouragement in living life, especially when it gets hard. The idea, that a lot of the plot lines, and song lyrics clarify that a person is never alone, and they will always have someone who needs them, is comforting Even if it is a small monkey, named Abu. Disney focuses on friends, on family, on how doing the right thing will always be the better option. I don’t care how old you are, these are morals to live by.

Everyone gets influence from different places, and for different reasons.

Pirates in the Pride Lands

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Saw Lion King in 3D again. I saw it back in June, and saw it yesterday. Lion King in the cinema is just something I need to see, as many times as possible.

In the craving of the old Lion King game for the Sega Mega Drive, I had a look to find videos (and ROMs *cough*) so that I could get my fix. The original game is there. In all it’s glory. And I am still as crap at it, as I ever was.
Then, there is The Lion King 2, 3 and 5 (don’t know where 4 went)
Really strange pirate games with even stranger sprites.

2 has a weird thing where you start of as cub Simba, get a power-up you become adult Simba. Get hit by an enemy, you shrink back into cub Simba. Very strange music, which I think has been taken from some Street Fighter pirates I saw a few years ago.

3 is just a trip and a half, no drugs needed. The music. The music is a jumpy MIDI mess of a constantly jamming music file, which is taken from the original game. -.- Actually muted the game, before I got a migraine. You can be either cub Simba or adult Simba, and well… it is strange. The levels are all from other, more official, games, with one looking very similar to an old Jungle Book level. And the end? Well, at the end Simba fights a tiger. Says it all really.

5? Is actually better than 3. The characters seem original, were the sprites in the last 2 seem badly ported from the original, licensed game. The music is back to being a random MIDI, probably stolen from some other pirated game. And your playable characters are Simba, Timon or Pumbaa. The thing that messed me up on this game, are actually the most fucked-up Game Over screens I have ever seen.

Pumbaa, kills himself by throwing himself into a boiling pot.
Timon, well, he buries himself, I guess he is also killing himself. Nice.
And Simba. One of the characters of my childhood. Well, Simba hangs himself. Seriously. Noose and everything.

Seriously, Simba hanging himself is now stuck in my brain. So I felt I would share, seeing as I can’t sleep. I am blaming these games.
If you are curious, search on YouTube for Lion King Pirate games. And be scarred for life too.

Cheers for that.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, technology has decided to fight against me in my daily battles. It is irritating. I have attempted to post two entries before this one, and they both failed miserably.

It’s bad enough I am coming to the realisation that this blog a day thing isn’t preparing me for NaNoWriMo, as I expected. And now I have this overwhelming sense of impending doom. I think what the issue is that I try to post up to 300 words a post. Which is fine, when I remember I have to post. But then my thoughts turn to NaNoWriMo, and I realise that all the wordage of a weeks worth of blogging, doesn’t even hit the daily average I need to write in November, of 1,500 words.

That has me panicking whilst November is still so far away. -.- Well, a matter of weeks away. 3 weeks. Maybe I should focus on the number of days, as the higher number fools my brain into thinking I have more time.

The things people do.