Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Feeling Forlorn?

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Ok, not so much. I just really wanted to use the word ‘forlorn’. I don’t believe that word is used enough. For a word meaning sadness, it just sounds so impressive. *cough* Sorry, couldn’t think of a title, for what is, yet another, rambling blog of nothing. I use a blog, like a diary, so I expect to see the ups and downs of my journey through life, all documented on a web page. Or a few web pages. Actually, with the amount of blogs I run, I think it may be more than ‘a few web pages’.  Oh well.

I am feeling all motivated today. It coincides with time off work, and actually doing things, such as tidying up. I guess, when I do something with my day, I can’t help but feel more satisfied and motivated. Which is good, I think that it must be something psychological. I mean, if you feel down, the main advice is to pick yourself up and carry on. I think this may because once you start doing things, momentum gets you doing more. It is getting up and started which is hard.

I, think, that because I have done quite a lot today, for me. It has me scribbling down ideas for future projects. Optimism is a great feeling, and isn’t something I am used to. I tend to be more the-glass-is-half-empty, kind of girl, so when I do feel good, I have to document it. I have to talk about how great I feel, and the ideas I have, just because I feel I should spread my happiness.

So if you feel forlorn, power through it, and when you feel good SHOUT IT OUT!! *sings Hanson*

Black Hole of Blackness

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Been playing around with a lot of things recently.

In that I am trying to get my online self sorted. *cough* Yes, this has been something I have been trying to do for a few years now, but, I am rubbish at actually doing things, creatively on-line.  The volume of studying I am supposed to have done, you’d think I’d be able to do things. But, alas, my brain is like a whiteboard, in that information disappears way too easily.

I am pretty sure, that comes across as a complaint. It isn’t meant to. I just have to be doing things a lot, for me to actually remember how to do them. The thing is, a lot of the things that I should have been practising, I haven’t, and hence have forgotten how to do them. One of these things is ‘web design’, and I just feel that if someone looks at me, trying to decipher a page of HTML, they’d see the huge question mark floating above my head.

So, after, much umming and erring, I am getting back into things. Or I will try. Going to work through things, bit by bit, and hopefully refresh my mind a little. I haven’t had any projects for a while, as I have been feeling rather ‘unworthy’ of anything, to be honest. But, I aim to psych myself up, and hopefully get somewhere. I need money, so I am hoping to work hard enough to get things going.

One thing college never teaches you, is how to keep up motivation when things seem to be going nowhere. It is hard. It is hard to stay well-versed, so that when something does come along, you aren’t like a deer in the headlights. I guess I am getting at that point, where I am sick of sitting watching other people get what they want. Three of my closest friends are doing jobs they wanted to do at school. And I work in a call centre. And I take it to heart when all I want to be successful, and I work hard, only to get nowhere. Maybe I should have been more practical when picking out my career when I was younger. Maybe if I aimed for something a bit more reachable, I would be happier with ‘my lot’.

But, as always I will power through the bad feelings. Only because I am running away from the bad feelings, because I hate feeling so powerless. And yet, it is trying to find the strength to be the person I want to be, that is so hard. I just seem to mess up at every opportunity, and it is hard to keep trying after failing so many times.

Sorry. *cough* In a pondering mood, and am a bit lonely. So, dear blog, you bear the brunt.

It Disney Make It Better?

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It’s a day where I have nothing notable to do. So how do I occupy my time?

The same as every other person of a certain disposition, who has an internet connection. I browse the internet for useless information and obscure things that  no one really cares about.

Well, noone except me. This involves me looking up dumped plotlines from the Lion King movie, and why they were abandoned. I mean, as intriguing as it is, I am glad Disney decided against killing Simba along with Scar. It was traumatic enough seeing Simba kill himself in a fake game (see previous post) without him dying in the official stuff.

But this looking into the Disney archives, and viewing the Vault releases, makes me happy I got to enjoy the Disney renascence as a kid. I mean, getting to see Beauty & The Beast, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Oliver & Company and obviously The Lion King, were big parts of my childhood. Seeing those movies growing up, helped push me to being more creative, painting backgrounds, drawing characters, it took me where I am today. The stories that we watched as children, help form the opinions and ideas that we take through to our adult life.

Disney has always got a lot of bad-press for making everything seem like a fairy tale, and that things will always end up ok. That isn’t an unhealthy thing to teach anyone. It is basic positive mental attitude, I mean if you think the world is all doom and gloom, how do you even get up in the morning. The truth is, you can’t. Disney teaches people that obsticles will come into your path, but if you power through and be honest with yourself, it will get better. That is a brilliant ethos, an ethos that people want to take away from Disney, because it is one of the biggest companies in the world. Surely, it doesn’t matter how big someone is, if they encourage people to live good lives, then why take the good aspect away from them?

Increasingly, there have become adults, very much like myself, who delve into the world of Disney on a regular basis, to bring light into their lives. Much like religion, people pick out the parts of Disney’s rich history, to give them encouragement in living life, especially when it gets hard. The idea, that a lot of the plot lines, and song lyrics clarify that a person is never alone, and they will always have someone who needs them, is comforting Even if it is a small monkey, named Abu. Disney focuses on friends, on family, on how doing the right thing will always be the better option. I don’t care how old you are, these are morals to live by.

Everyone gets influence from different places, and for different reasons.

Pirates in the Pride Lands

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Saw Lion King in 3D again. I saw it back in June, and saw it yesterday. Lion King in the cinema is just something I need to see, as many times as possible.

In the craving of the old Lion King game for the Sega Mega Drive, I had a look to find videos (and ROMs *cough*) so that I could get my fix. The original game is there. In all it’s glory. And I am still as crap at it, as I ever was.
Then, there is The Lion King 2, 3 and 5 (don’t know where 4 went)
Really strange pirate games with even stranger sprites.

2 has a weird thing where you start of as cub Simba, get a power-up you become adult Simba. Get hit by an enemy, you shrink back into cub Simba. Very strange music, which I think has been taken from some Street Fighter pirates I saw a few years ago.

3 is just a trip and a half, no drugs needed. The music. The music is a jumpy MIDI mess of a constantly jamming music file, which is taken from the original game. -.- Actually muted the game, before I got a migraine. You can be either cub Simba or adult Simba, and well… it is strange. The levels are all from other, more official, games, with one looking very similar to an old Jungle Book level. And the end? Well, at the end Simba fights a tiger. Says it all really.

5? Is actually better than 3. The characters seem original, were the sprites in the last 2 seem badly ported from the original, licensed game. The music is back to being a random MIDI, probably stolen from some other pirated game. And your playable characters are Simba, Timon or Pumbaa. The thing that messed me up on this game, are actually the most fucked-up Game Over screens I have ever seen.

Pumbaa, kills himself by throwing himself into a boiling pot.
Timon, well, he buries himself, I guess he is also killing himself. Nice.
And Simba. One of the characters of my childhood. Well, Simba hangs himself. Seriously. Noose and everything.

Seriously, Simba hanging himself is now stuck in my brain. So I felt I would share, seeing as I can’t sleep. I am blaming these games.
If you are curious, search on YouTube for Lion King Pirate games. And be scarred for life too.

Cheers for that.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, technology has decided to fight against me in my daily battles. It is irritating. I have attempted to post two entries before this one, and they both failed miserably.

It’s bad enough I am coming to the realisation that this blog a day thing isn’t preparing me for NaNoWriMo, as I expected. And now I have this overwhelming sense of impending doom. I think what the issue is that I try to post up to 300 words a post. Which is fine, when I remember I have to post. But then my thoughts turn to NaNoWriMo, and I realise that all the wordage of a weeks worth of blogging, doesn’t even hit the daily average I need to write in November, of 1,500 words.

That has me panicking whilst November is still so far away. -.- Well, a matter of weeks away. 3 weeks. Maybe I should focus on the number of days, as the higher number fools my brain into thinking I have more time.

The things people do.

A Brave New Day

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There is nothing worse than waking up to a day, where you feel lost, depressed and alone. A day where you look outside to a cold, wet world, and all you want to do is stay in bed all day. And the fact that you have to get up and force yourself into the day doesn’t make things much better.

This is a bump. A blip on the radar. Some people get more bumps than some, and it can be uncomfortable and hard. But when the sea calms, everything becomes settled and a person can feel a lot better about themselves. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes from powering through to the ‘other side’. And if you can battle through it once, you can do it again. That is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, find a belief that things do get better if you can lift yourself through the turmoil.

And once you know that you can power through moments of uncertainty, and you do it regularly, you generally get less overwhelmed by the bumps in the road. It takes a strong person to ride out the bumpy road and get through it without the feeling you are in a black hole. Looking at others sometimes doesn’t help, because you may fool yourself that they have never had any storms to try and pass through.

So what I am trying to say is, don’t look at others. Look at yourself. You are a great person, and that alone should give you the strength to power on. Especially of you have been bothered before by issues. Only you can make a difference, and believing you ‘can’ is the best way to start. It seems scary, it seems different, I know it does. But be brave, and find out how fantastic the world is.

Feeling Enslaved

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So this post a day think came into a blip. Where I am unable to access WordPress through my work computer, and my phone decided it didn’t like being online. So everytime I accessed an app which needs an online connection, I just got a plethora of error messages. And then the ‘internet access’ PCs couldn’t connect online. But it’s ok. O2’s dodgy 3G connection came back on. *cheers*

But this is a challenge. I have to make the effort to post. Which makes me feel like I have achieved something, because I have overcome something. I think that as soon as effort is put in, you feel more distinguished because of that effort. It doesn’t really matter what the thing is. Or I don’t think it does, not to me anyway.

Besides, the effort I need to make, stops my mind from wondering, and that’s where issues come into it. I overthink, and seem to dig up drama which isn’t there.

Working Hard or Hardly Working

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Stress.

It is the biggest pressure on so many people as they try to live their day to day life. It’s hard to reason why some people are more prone to stress than others. It is more, that the person is struggling to cope, rather than the actual work involved.

It is a feeling of being overwhelmed, and that can come at any stage of a day, and at any stage of life. I have suffered from stress, and to be honest, it seemed to effect me more when I wasn’t working. When I had time on my hands to have a bit of a think. I have a habit of over-analysing things, and I guess that’s what I did. I put pressure on myself, to the point that I felt I was suffocating, and that I was pretty worthless for not coping when everyone else can. It did lead me to the path of depression, and I became increasingly frustrated my life.

After much chatting to people in similar circumstances, I found I wasn’t alone. And it was the cliche that ‘everyone feels overwhelmed at some point’. I say cliche, because at the time, I felt that was all it was. I know, people try to help when the compare your life to someone else’s, as if to say ‘if they can do it, so can you’. But it ends up in a spiral of self doubt, because I feared, I was not as strong willed as that person in front of me. Which was basically me excusing myself for not trying. As if I was shrugging and saying ‘what’s the point’.

Whilst looking at others didn’t help, I took a small piece of advice I found in many self-help books and articles.

Do a little something every day, that makes you smile.

And as basic as it sounds, it helped. I would listen to music, take 5 minutes to sketch something, go for a walk, I’d try something that I knew I loved to do. It became something that I looked forward to, and it made every day that little more bearable. And because my brain was focusing on what ever ‘highlight’ I had planned for that day, it didn’t have the time to focus on shining a negative light on everything I did. I guess, it is just occupying your brain, because over thinking is a huge part of stress related illness. Or it was to me anyway.

Pending NaNoWriMo 2011

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It is quickly approaching that time again when thousands of writers undertake the task of writing a 50,000 word novel through the month of November.

Yes. November is NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I did attempt this challenge last year, but I think I got to about 18,000 words and I just got so stuck. I missed a day, and then two days, and then it all pretty much fell apart. I think it is an interesting challenge, and it would be such an achievement to reach the end of November knowing I had written a novel. Please visit this site to sign up, or for more info.

So in my second year, I have decided to start to prepare to writing every day. So am going to do a Post-A-Day, in a bid to inspire myself. I think it will be a big help this year, as last year I was going in blind, and was unsure of the actual volume I had to produce. As much as you try to imagine having to post over 1,500 a day, it is hard to picture until you actually do it. As you will know if you have read this blog before, I have no problem with speaking my mind and writing about anything. So I can’t imagine this post a day thing to bother me. But I say that. I do post frequently, but it comes in spurts.

So, wish me luck on both post-a-day and NaNoWriMo. And if you read this, let me know if you take part in anything to try and challenge yourself.

Reading Material Abuse

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I got a little bit of stick today. It was because I bought Company magazine.

For those outwith the UK, or who are unfamiliar with the publication, it is a ‘Women’s Lifestyle’ magazine. Now a lot of these magazine’s get a lot of abuse for the images they portray to women, with the unrealistic body images they promote, etc. To be honest, one look at me in my Asda jeans and Avenged Sevenfold shirt, I think you would know it isn’t the fashion topic, per say, that I am interested.

It is the articles. Being a person who has become so in  love with writing over the years, I find that it is for my own good that in take in a variety of styles of writing. Because, as much as I don’t want to admit to myself, this conversational manner that I have going on, is not for everyone. But that is fine, everyone has different tastes and topics of interest, which is what makes everything so interesting. And is also why I do read Company magazine.

It is one of the cheaper ‘glossies’ on the news-stand, and it, like me, tries to have a very conversational tone for their reader to enjoy. I know that I like reading this style of writing, because it helps me feel… settled, I guess. I think that it is because there is no force in what is in front of you, just a display of opinion, that is worded like it is a chat you are having with a friend. I feel that this takes out any confrontation, and makes it easier to accept the opinion being put across. If you are too forceful with opinion, then it can come across like you are looking for an argument. Which, to me, is not what writing is about. Yes, show opinion, but don’t try to force what you feel on others.

It just comes off as rude, obnoxious, and to be honest, does not always provide you with an audience. If people think you are trying to be too ‘Little Miss Dictatorship’. then you won’t get support, interest, and people may glance, but they will stop reading. Or they will read on, and then just send you abuse over it. Which, trust me, is not worth it, no matter how good your intentions may be. People can’t always pick up intended tone through text, so if you go for the conversational style, it will come across as more welcoming and friendly.

But I try to read a variety of material, all written in different styles. Music articles are written completely different to a Victorian novel, or even a financial broadsheet. The writing style is always appropriate for it’s intended audience. So if you can distinguish the differences, then it helps you write an article aiming at the right audience. So don’t belittle someone, just because they wish to open themselves up to different styles, these are the people who should be honoured. For not being afraid, for being open-minded, and for doing what they want, despite the uniqueness of what they do.

This has come off almost tutorial like, especially the end. Maybe I haven’t mastered tone as well as I had hoped. Practice is needed.