Its All A Reaction

June 10, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everything effects everything else.

People don’t want to admit it, or they fail to acknowlege it. I have no idea why, but when you are at a loss at life in general, this can have a calming effect. That, what you are experiencing is simply a reaction from something else.

The world looks washed out and dark, when there are grey overcast skys. When a person cries, they may feel a sense of clarity that only comes from being highly emotional. They are all reactions. I have started to think of my periods of sadness, as just reactions. Something that happens. It doesn’t happen because I am stupid or faulty. It happens because I am human, and we have the ability to get crazy emotions over anything.

I have depression that I carry with me every day. But, I don’t want it analysed and for me to demeaned over it. I want it to be shrugged off as a way that I react, and I want to be treated normal. So my brain reacts to things different that some people, doesn’t change anything. And thinking like that helps me deal.

Triggered

June 7, 2013 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Recently, popular British entertainer, Stephen Fry mentioned during a podcast that he had tried to kill himself last year. The actor, writer and comedian suffers from bi-polar, and is president of mental health charity, Mind.

This is a brave thing for anyone to admit, and is proof that mental health issues aren’t restricted to any particular type of person. A big problem with mental illness is that it is not something that can be cured, or will simply go away. It is something that sufferers have to live with and adapt to. People who have never suffered from mental illness, will comment that a suicide attempt is ‘selfish’ or want to know the reasons behind it. All that this shows is a mis-understanding of mental health problems.

The admission of having problems, by Mr Fry, is something courageous and helpful to so many people. Sometimes, it is hard to picture yourself as a success, if you suffer from any mental illness, because it can be hard to predict how you are going to feel and act on any given day. So the idea that someone very successful in their chosen field whilst having a mental illness is very comforting.

What isn’t comforting is the negative commentary. People who have never suffered saying it is irresponsible to talk about suicide. But speaking about suicide is not a trigger to a lot of people. Speaking negatively and frowning upon it can be. As a person who has both self-harm and considered suicide, if I hear people telling that what I am feeling is wrong, I punish myself more. I don’t know why I feel what I feel, and I can’t explain it. So to have someone marking me down because they feel negatively towards me because I once tried to overdose (I passed out for a few hours). The feeling that I felt after waking up, will stay with me forever.

I think that anything that can bring mental health into a forum for discussion is great. I do think that people need to think about commenting negatively about such a topic, though. I know that if I read someone bad mouthing depression, it can trigger my own feelings. I believe the negative comments, that I have a lot in my life, why should I feel bad? In honesty what a person owns, has nothing to do with it. But I go through the tiring process of hating myself, because my depression and anxiety seems so falsified, because others have it so much worse than me. When I get in that frame of mind, I could cry, I could scratch myself raw or cut myself. Because it punishes me for being so privileged and having the stupidity to be depressed. I deserve to be punished for ‘choosing’ to be a burden.

In all honesty, if I had a way to choose the way I was, I assure you that I wouldn’t feel this. And that is what non-sufferers need to understand. It is not a choice, it is not based on anything in life, people suffer mental health issues, because it is an illness. There may be a chemical imbalance in their brain, or something scarred them as a kid, it could even be passed down from relatives. It could be anything, and can happen to anyone. As a person who sees negative commentary as triggers, I find those who demean Mr Fry’s admission as thoughtless cowards.

I know it is the internet, but it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t hold a certain level of respect for one another.

Where Does Free Speech End?

June 3, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am lucky.

If you are reading this, chances are, you are lucky too.

We are lucky because we live in a society where we have freedom of speech. We can speak our minds, for no fear of the consequences. Well, that is what we believe ‘free speech’ to be. But is it really? If it is okay to freely state what you believe, is it okay for you to believe that a person is an arsehole for being religious? Is it okay to think all feminists are just needing a good ‘shag’? That gay people, just need a ‘cure’? I will openly admit that these examples are extremes, but they are what some people feel they have the right to say and do. If we truely believe in ‘free speech’ surely the bad things should be just allowable as the good.

I personally believe that if your opinion does not dictate to or demean other individuals, then it is fine. The idea of freedom, is that it should be for the benifit of everyone around you, not just yourself. So true freedom of speech, in that case, wouldn’t be saying every little thing that came to your head. But one that encourages discussion and urges the better of society. The sharing of negative opinion, can do nothing but bring other people down, and in extreme cases, it can cause a lot of terrible issues.

But, the idea is also there that we should have the tolerance to let people say what they want. If you want to say and do what you wish, and let others do the same. Which is easy to understand and apply to our lives, but if it is then why do some people not apply those things. And if it effects the well-being of another person, should it really be allowed? Particularly if it makes the situation worse.

I don’t really know. This was just some pondering, but what do you think? Is freedom of speech something that can be fully achieved? I just don’t know.

The Internet is Public

May 29, 2013May 29, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am writing this entry from my local library because my home internet is dead, and my phone is not allowing me to post updates. Instead of complaining, I am going to try and say what a different things, like free internet, does for communities.

When I was at school internet was slow and expensive, hence I never had it. The local council started to invest in computers, to provide people with the internet, who couldn’t afford it. They did this by equipting most local libraries with PCs. It gave so many people the access to a whole world that they couldn’t see before. They could send emails, apply for jobs, shop online and learn about so many things.

Since I first used these library computers 15 years ago, my home got broadband, and a laptop that works (kinda). The local library, which once housed 2 computers, now has 12. The library runs classes to help people get to grip with computers and the internet. Allow pensioners send emails to relatives who live on the other side of the world. And, people who struggle with unemployment, get help on how to apply for jobs or type up a CV. It’s made computers so much accessible. You no longer need to spend a fortune on a PC and a home broadband connection.

I remember when I was at school, there was a few internet cafes that opened. Where you would paid £5 for an hour of computer access. Obviously, times have changed, the government helped. You can now rent public computers for an hour a time, and all you need is a library card. I think this is awesome, but I don’t know how widespread this is. My local council is Fife Council, and they have made it a priority to make computers and the internet accessible to all local residents, for free.

It’s times like this, where I take stock, and am thankful for where I live. And it isn’t just because my own technology is so tempermental.

Falling

May 9, 2013May 9, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Here I am
Standing alone
Degrading thoughts pounding my mind
Feeling like the worst person, for doing nothing
Looking for someone to lean on, and finding myself falling to the cold ground
No one to pick me up
No strength to do it myself
Focusing on past failures
Unable to see a future
Feeling worthless and utterly alone

I cry
My eyes become raw
My head starts to ache
My heart is broken,
There is no way out
This cloud won’t clear

________________________

Journal entry from 2008, when I was at college, when depression started to hit me hard. I was struggling for something to post today, which lead to me reading through some old journals. When I was low, I always turned to either writing or drawing to help me let out my feelings. The best thing about being able to express things in such a way, that I have the opportunity to look back at everything that I felt, however melodramatic it may seem.

Depression is hard. But it can sometimes make me feel better to see that I can get better when things get bad, that I can actually see that things can get better. It’s about finding ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.

Dedication Is Key

May 5, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes, I am guilty of trying something, but not trying hard enough. This is never something that I do intentionally, I just have a short attention, and so go away to do something else. The hard thing is, as an adult who thrives on creativity, it can completely leave me flustered. And, when I am flustered, I become stuck and end up doing nothing at all.

I get inspired by everything around me, and love to create, but I feel that is part of my problem. I have so many ideas, and things I want to focus on, I can sometimes end up not focusing on anything in particular, or 3 things at once. This causes me a problem because, rather than completing one task at a time, I half-do lots of things. Which leaves me frustrated, and nothing gets completed.

Something that I need to focus on is learning to do one thing at a time. I operate best when I have a list of things that I have to work through. This way, I can methodically work through what I need to do, and get it all completed. But, this only works if I get round to making the list, and then focus on working through that list. Sometimes, I don’t even have the focus to do the one thing that actually works for me. Frustration isn’t the word.

I guess, that I need to actually dedicate myself to getting things finished. I mean, it certainly isn’t coming up with ideas that I am having a problem with, nor is it starting the execution of such ideas. I think I need to change how I feel about everything. Complete what I start, should be a new mantra of mine. And, I did start this blog about 6 hours ago, and came back to finish it, so it CAN be done.

A Matter of Experience

April 22, 2013April 22, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The job search is still constant. Apply for about 4 jobs a day, and get nothing in return. It is hard to keep positive in a situation, where all efforts seem to be futile.

A large part of the problem is experience. I am a person with no prejudices about work, and will work anywhere. I have experience in customer services, but have never worked in admin, or factories and I have no actual timed experience in anything design orientated to get a job. Businesses want experience, but despite working since I was 16, they say I don’t have the ‘right’ experience. But there is only one way to get experience, and that is for someone to take a chance on you. But businesses don’t want to take a chance, and seem to ignore the majority of applicants they get.

I have to believe that I am doing the right thing. I am gathering information about Business Gateway classes about working for myself (worth a try) and am applying for anything and everything. It is, unfortunately, out of my hands whether I get an interview or not. And I can see why unemployed people can get apathetic about their situation. You can spend large sections of your life looking for work, whilst everyone around you assumes you enjoy being jobless.

It’s a never-ending battle, where nothing you do is good enough for anyone. Feeling like a failure is horrible at the best of times, but this is like a whole other level. I believe in me and my abilities, shame no-one else does.

The Springing of Spring!

April 14, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s becoming that time of the year where a certain freshness is in the air, with lighter evenings and blooming flowers. Where the ‘stripped back’ appearance of winter disappear as the world starts to grow and become bright again. I love Spring. It’s like the world is becoming alive again, and it is so beautiful. It’s the best time to go for walks and explore where you live.

This time of year makes me realise how great it is to live where I do. Not everyone can walk along the coast, and paddle in sea water. Depending on where I walk, I can pick up sea shells or flowers. It is my favourite thing to do, and in the winter you don’t get the chance to enjoy walks so much.

There is also this sense of nature restarting a cycle, be it lambing on a farm or the flowering of plants on a nature walk. It’s like things start again, and have another go. Which is a nice thing to think of. Whilst, starting again completely may not be always necessary, it’s a great reminder that nature always ambles on.

Trees often look dead in the winter. In spring, the leaves bud and life seems to come back. It’s a good metaphor for life when you think about it. When things appear dead, life can still go on. So the main thing, is to keep your head down, and try again. Nature has created you to keep on fighting through, like everything around you.

A Weighty Issue

April 7, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes in life we stand out, and are made to feel insecure by others. It happens to everyone at one point of their lives, be it school or workplace, or even at the supermarket. It can zap away all your confidence, and make you feel less than nothing.

I have had the most experience in this with my weight. Where it seems to be okay for people to ask me if my thinner friend is single, but nothing else. It is also apparently okay for people to call me names for being fat. Now being the ‘overweight friend’ my whole life, I know what shape I am, and I don’t expect to be shouted at by strangers about it. Most of the time, a couple of deep breathes can get me over the angst I feel, but sometimes the comments get stuck in my head. At it’s times that I can get worked up. I cry myself to sleep at night and just hate myself.

I have been reading about ‘fat appreciation’, something that gets posted about mostly on Tumblr, from my experience. It tells overweight people not to feel ashamed about their bodies, and learn to love who they are. But the very idea of making unhealthy people feel good about themselves gets a lot of bad responses. ‘Why should people feel good about being fat pigs?’

I believe that a lot of people, like myself, eat when they are unhappy. And the negative reactions that we can sometimes get from people we don’t even know, can make us very unhappy. It is a known fact that happy people are more proactive in general, hence workplaces spending millions making their workers happier. If an overweight person feels better with themselves, then they may stop gorging on crisps, and will chance going for a walk or to the gym. And the best thing is, if they feel good about themselves, then any negativity that is thrown in their direction, has more chance of being ignored. Also, if a person can learn to love themselves, then anything else that they want to seems a little more in hand’s reach.

Lost

March 21, 2013March 21, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These feelings are a cycle.

They go back and forth. Sometimes, I feel inspired and happy. Other times, I feel like I am so lost. I think it is because as time is continuing forward, I don’t seem to be moving anywhere. I am stagnant.

I sometimes struggle to even keep my head above water. And, it’s hard to put it into words, to explain it to others. I think the idea of what one feels as success, can be measured in different ways. I always considered myself successful in a degree, because I had a job, I had some kind of purpose. And since my job has been taken out of the equation, I have struggled to find a sense of purpose.

I send away to job advertisements, of which I get no reply to. I sit with my sketchbook and stare at the empty pages, not knowing what to create. Or open blog posts, like I have done over the last few weeks, and write nothing. It’s hard, because when I have had bad times at work, my creativity was always something that helped give me direction and perspective. So without these things, I have struggled over the last few weeks.

I know that reading this, you will look at my blog and see that everything has been along the same ‘lack of direction’. I feel that at least writing about it helps me, or I hope it does. I have a few things in the pipeline, so hopefully things will pick up. If you read this, how do you deal with feeling a lack of direction in your life?