Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Fight Club!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Isn’t it great when something goes your way? When all the naysayers get proved wrong and you can stand victorious, with your hands in the air.

On the route to your victory, you may have been subjected to negative comments from those around you. A willingness to beat you down, and make any success you have seem more trivial. It can be grating, and more than a little dis-spiriting. And when things do go your way, you may want to throw a self-righteous laugh in the face of your detractors. But what does that achieve?

The negative comments are made, usually because people want you to be taken down. They may feel jealous that you are getting something that you worked for. Particularly if that person is going through a patch where they feel like their life is worse than yours. Their words may hold a venom that implies that they hope you fall on your backside in failure.  But, what doesn’t help is that when you are successful, you point out how flaws from those who suggested you would fail. It can start an argument, which is based on nothing than an idea of one-up-manship that you both feel for each other. It is endless, and can sully whatever success you have worked hard for. 

If you are in a better position due to hard work, you do not have to answer to anyone. You have earned your success, so enjoy it and don’t lower yourself to the mentality of those around you, hating your success. Let them hate. Don’t let it ruin your happiness.

Passion For Fashion (And Make-up)

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I am a girl. And as a girl, I am supposed to like certain things such as make-up and fashion. Certain things I have no interest in.

The internet deals with the conception that all female bloggers only talk about either fashion or make-up. I am here to say, it is nonsense. I visited Company and discovered a blogging section full of style blogs. Now, over the last year or so, Company magazine has gone through a re-style, where it promotes the internet and self-expression. But only if it centers around style blogging of make-up tutorials and shopping hauls.

Now, if you like that kind of thing, fine. But there’s so many blogs doing the same thing, I don’t think Company needs to promote some over others. They should promote advice blogs, art blogs, music blogs, because life doesn’t just begin and end with how someone looks. I know the magazine’s routes are fashion, but to fully meet the need of the modern woman, you need to look at other things.

I read blogs that are used like mine. Things about people’s life and opinions. Blogs that people write as an escape to life, where the reader becomes a confidant. When people talk about things they buy, it grates on me because I don’t have a lot of money to spend on things. Which has never bothered me before. But when someone recommends a blog to me, and it looks more like a shopping list instead a sharing if thoughts, I feel short-changed.

Quote of the Day

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Fact of the matter is, there is no hip world, there is no straight world. There’s a world, you see, which has people in it who believe in a variety of different things. Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.-Frank Zappa

Everyone has their own viewpoint, just because it is different, doesn’t mean it is wrong. As much as this is tolerance towards others, it also helps as a reminder when you hear opposing opinions to ones you hold. When that happens it is easy to feel attacked.

Sometimes you need to take a deep breath, and realise people are passionate about what they believe in. Just as you are. So don’t take it personal when someone attacks your beliefs. Just be greatful to be part of a conversation that evokes such passion.

Heading to goal

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The hardest thing about being in any type of lull is getting yourself out of it. When nothing seems to be happening the way you want it to, what do you do?

I try to live in a manner where if I want something to happen, I need to make it happen. Make my own destiny. Which is a great ethos, where you are responsible for your future. When I say ‘try’, mean i agree about being my own future, but I struggle with seeing it through.

I think it is nerves that stop me. Nerves of the unknown. That anything can happen, you could risk everything, just for it to go wrong. It’s almost like I talk myself down from pushing forward, but encourage others to better. A kind of ‘do as I say, not as I do’.

I am resolving to change that. I picture myself somewhere other than being broke and unemployed. The problem with that is how to make it happen. There are so many directions that I could go down, do I pick one thing, or is it better to give myself to several options, and see what works out. I mean, if I work hard, something should pay off, shouldn’t it?

I need to take a deep breath, get my head down and push myself. Getting myself out of this rut, is one of the biggest challenge I have ever faced.

Summertime

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Although I am a winter lover, i also love the summer.

My favourite thing to do is to get up early and read in my garden. A time of relaxation, where the sun heats up the air slowly. Because it is early, there’s maybe a few dog walkers nearby, but it is peaceful. And it is a good environment to read through a hundred or so pages of whatever novel I have rented from the library.

If it gets to a certain degree of ‘hot’, I’ll lay my book aside and just watch people passing me by. I usually go into town, or a park and just watch people. It’s relaxing to watch others going about their day, even more relaxing when the sun is warming things up nicely.

The thing with summer is, that if it gets too hot, it can be exhausting doing anything. You cut the grass, and you become a sweaty, disgusting mess. And that is certainly enough to make me slow down and not be bothered doing anything else. I’m really lazy, so don’t need much of an excuse. And from the volume of people i see doing nothing, I think others agree with me. But lazy folk look for any excuse, really.

The summer brings out people’s fun side. As families cook barbecues or have waterfights, some take a crate of beers to the park to have with friends. People want to relax, and the increased brightness makes things seem that bit brighter and positive. I think it is great to see what a positive effect on people the sun has.
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This waffly mess of a blog comes from my warm back garden, and is sponsored by an unusual visitor to Scotland, the sun. Hope everyone is enjoying summer, and remember to protect yourself with sunscreen and plenty of water. ❤

July Playlist

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I have 8,116 songs on iTunes. This is great, but sometimes a little overwhelming. I can’t decide what to listen to, and sometimes putting your iPod on shuffle doesn’t do it. So, I decided to go through my iTunes and make a playlist. A playlist of 82 songs, which is a lot, but its what I wanted. The songs I picked, are noted below.

The Killers- All These Things I’ve Done
a1- Ready or Not
Good Charlotte- Sex On The Radio
Iron Maiden- 2 Minutes To Midnight
R.E.M.- Nightswimming
All Saints- Never Ever
Operation Ivy- Smiling
MGMT- Kids
Morrissey- First Of The Gang To Die
Amy MacDonald- Caledonia
No Doubt- Ex-Girlfriend
NOFX- Linoleum
Mest (feat Benji Madden)- Jaded (These Years)
Melanie C- I Turn To You
Lethal Bizzle (feat Kate Nash)- Look What You’ve Done
Linkin Park- One Step Closer
McFly- Room On The 3rd Floor
Lady Gaga- Bad Romance
Lady Sovereign- Love Me Or Hate Me
Amy Winehouse- Back To Black
Kei$ha- Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
Kings Of Leon- Sex Is On Fire
Horrorpops- Walk Like A Zombie
Jake Bugg- Trouble Town
Feeder- Just The Way I’m Feeling
The Exploited- Exploited Barmy Army
Ellie Goulding- Starry Eyed
Hanson- Where’s The Love
Deadmau5 & Kaskade- I Remember
Green Day- When I Come Around
Gwen Steffani (feat Akon)- Sweet Escape
Anti-Flag- 1 Trillion Dollars
Faithless- Insomnia
Fatboy Slim- Rockerfeller Skank
Goldblade- Riot! Riot!
East 17- House Of Love
Eminem- The Real Slim Shady
Dizzee Rascal- Sirens
Coldplay- Viva La Vida
The Distillers- Idoless
Dizzee Rascal & Armin Van Helden- Bonkers
Chumbawamba- Tubthumping
Blondie- Call Me
The Buzzcocks- Ever Fallen In Love
Buddy Holly- Earth Angel
The Casualties- For The Punx
Christina Aguilera- Fighter
Calvin Harris- Acceptable In The 80s
Anti-Nowhere League- I Hate People
Ashlee Simpson- Pieces Of Me
Atomic Kitten- See Ya
Avril Lavigne- Freak Out
Britney Spears- Toxic
Blink 182- Up All Night
The Bouncing Souls- Lean On Sheena
Patti Smith- My Generation
Rancid- Hoover Street
The Saturdays- Beggin’
Savage Garden- Truly Madly Deeply
Selena Gomez & The Scene- When The Sun Goes Down
Shakira- Don’t Bother
Sham 69- If The Kids Are United
Simple Plan- When I’m Gone
Skindred- You Can’t Stop It
Sonic Boom Six- Sound Of A Revolution
Sonic Boom Six- Northern Skies
Spice Girls- Who Do You Think You Are
SS-Kaliert- Make War Not Love
Steps- Last Thing On My Mind
Stereophonics- I Wouldn’t Believe Your Radio
Stiff Little Fingers- Johnny Was
Sum 41- In Too Deep
Teenage Bottlerocket- Mini Skirt
Time Again- Lines Are Faded
U.S. Bombs- The Contract
UK Subs- Teenage
The Veronicas- I Don’t Wanna Wait
Vice Squad- Business As Usual
Wednesday Night Heroes- Wash ‘Em Away
The Who- Baba O’Riley
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I like a playlist I can leave on all day, which is why it was so long. I also like lists, so a list about music is like a strange part of heaven. What are your options with playlists, do you like long or short? Do you stick in specific genres? Or do you just keep your music on shuffle?

Fearing Change

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Time flies, doesn’t it?

One minute you are wasting seemingly endless summer holidays with neighbourhood kids, and the next you are plotting celebrations for your 30th birthday. The idea of my youth, was that I would grow up, be fiercely independent and have wild parties to indie rock bands whilst sipping on a cold alcoholic beverage of choice. It is with a crestfallen heart that I admit that my high flung ideals of adulthood have to come to light.

There is nothing in  particular that has stopped me from achieving my idealistic view of growing up, it is just life getting in the way. Being out of employment is just the icing on the cake, of the grand joke that something called fate has in mind, for me. The only changes that I have in my life, are ones that I could really do without. They are the kind of changes that have you worrying about ‘what is the meaning of it all’. Something that I haven’t found a suitable answer for.

I feel that this is why I don’t look to favourably upon change. I have this unrealistic need to live in the past, where I have this blinkered view that things were better. They weren’t. Coping with things just now is nothing something I do well, so from where I am situated, I it is easier to focus on things in my past that make me happy. I think that is why I am quite childish in a lot of aspects. I’d prefer to watch cartoons and listen to music, rather than deal with the Inland Revenue. Despite the volume of changes that have happened so far in 2013, I am afraid of stepping to the unknown to do something else, in case I really have had it too easy, and fate wants to teach me that.

If I am to be brutally honest, I don’t really believe in ‘fate’, a person makes their own life. It’s just every attempt I have made to get my life in gear, something has happened that has sent me right to the back of the grid, and it seems much too hard to try again. Maybe a little self-belief will help me get things into some kind of order.

But isn’t that what everyone needs? A little self-belief.

Over Whelmed

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The world NEVER switches off. No matter what time of day it is where you are, it is ‘rush hour’ somewhere. 

It is something that used to amaze me when I was younger. That when I was asleep, people where at school, having meals and working away. When you get to that realisation, it opens you up to thinking about a world outside your own personal ‘bubble’. There is a whole new world full of different behaviours, thoughts and lifestyles out there that we can be completely oblivious happen to. 

Even as an adult, the idea that there are communities completely different to the one I grew up in, has the capacity to freak me out a little. It’s not that I am feeling weird about people having a different way of living than me, it is the sheer scale of the variety that is out there. It’s just that there are so many cultures in the world, that people spend their whole lives trying to learn about. And then, these cultures, they all have their own history, which is another lifetime worth of studies worth. 

I think it can seem a bit over whelming when you think that nobody knows everything about the world. It makes me feel rather insignificant. Which is not as negative as it seems. As well as making the successes in life seem immaterial in the grand scheme of things, it also makes the failures seem super-small. As a person who mostly focuses on the negative things in her life, the fact that it is so tiny and irrelevant in regards to global events, it sometimes makes me feel better. That people make it through worse than I do every day, so maybe I can do something about my life.

It staggers me sometimes, that I get overwhelmed with my life, and nothing of value really happens there. I couldn’t imagine if I had to control a country or something on a global scale, because I don’t know if my wee bubble will expand enough to let everything in that needs to be there. I stress out organising my own life, imagine organising life for thousands or even millions of people?

Conclusion: with my organisational skills, it is best that I stay single and shout at Paris Gellar on my ipad as I watch yet another episode of Gilmore Girls. That I can deal with. Not Paris, she annoys me in a way that I can only express as love to hate her. And, yes, I know that she is a fictional character. She provides my bubble world with a villain, where the hero is Yoshi who drives his stupid Kart slower than everyone else. No matter how much I press that ‘A’ button, he doesn’t go any faster. There is a metaphor for my life in there somewhere. 

Telly Addict

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In the age of the Internet, we all seem to have the assumption that we no longer rely on TV. We spend nights browsing the web, rather than sit in front of the ‘gogglebox’ all the time.

People do still watch TV, it just maybe isn’t as traditional as it once was. High speed internet and DVRs have changed how people view TV shows. You can set things to record, and watch it when you want. You can watch episodes through various catch-up services such as BBC iPlayer or 4OD. Then there’s Lovefilm and Netflix, where for a monthly fee you can access a seemingly endless amount of shows and movies to watch on games consoles, mobile phones and computers. We have more options than ever.

And the problem is, that because i can stream 3/4 episodes in one go, i watch more TV than ever. I don’t have to wait for schedules for everything. I am watching through Buffy, Gilmore Girls, Dexter and Weeds. And by having all the episodes ready, I can watch them all intwined. It’s great, and super addictive.

I still watch shows as they are scheduled, only really Bitchin’ Kitchen, Skins and Casualty. I know none of them are particularly interesting to most, but I got in the habit of watching them. Which is something I have always done, had one or two shows that I watched regularly. Then the Internet and on demand viewing happened and I watch loads of TV, although most of it is through my iPad or Xbox.

It’s like i can feel compulsed to watch a certain show. Particularly the Gilmore Girls. It’s too easy to watch one episode and think, ‘I’ll watch the next one’. And before I know it, I’ve spent the whole afternoon watching it. It’s easy to do, and not something that used to happen.

TV still rules, it has just adapted a little. What shows are you addicted to, and how do you watch them?

Stay Away!

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Sometimes it is easier to close the doors, rather than letting the world in to see and judge the inner workings of your life. If a person is having problems with their own life, the last thing they feel they need is someone else putting in their own ‘two cents’ on the situation. Or something worse, you are told there ‘is no situation’. Which means, whatever you are unhappy about is not worth being unhappy about. I mean, who has the right to say what makes another person happy or sad?

But by keeping the outside world out, all that happens is you ‘bury the head in the sand’. And for a short time, maybe it seems to work. No one to question your behaviour, or asking ‘how you are’, and no lies need told to cover up your distress. You can work, and be a ‘strong person’, you can pass off the appearance that everything is okay. And the only reason that those around you, think you are okay is because you don’t let them close enough to see anything different.

This doesn’t solve any problems though. The feelings of anguish, and whatever caused the issue, are more than likely, still there. So all you have done is make it harder to talk to people, as you begin to see yourself as a burden. They have been happy without you sharing, so why worry them with your mess?
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I act like this a lot. It seems easier to put my problems into a ‘no go’ area of my mind when it comes to talking to friends, in a bid to become normal. But, there is no such thing as ‘normal’, every person has their little flaws and positives. Nobody has an ‘easy life’ it is just the perception you can get as a by-stander. Some people can hide certain things from some, but they will have someone that they’ll confide in.

I have ‘locked people out’ and it has just made it harder find reason enough to turn to someone. It has left me alone with my problems. That’s where the Internet has come into play, it has been a place where I can talk through my issues without feeling I am being a burden. It maybe is not the best way to cope, but it has helped me think about my life in a healthier way than bottling it up.

What about you? Do you try to keep your issues to yourself? How do you cope if things get harder?