Looking Back on 2013

December 31, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Another year is over. And I sit here in my bed, all sick with the cold, as ponder on the last year. It has been a bit of a personal rollercoaster, which sounds horrifically cliched. But I feel as I get older, every year has more of a mixture of fortune. Good or bad, all that matters is that we learn from what happens.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is not to become weighed down by something that I hate. I had been in my old job for 6 and a half years, and I was becoming bored of it. I was struggling to do my job, as I took the customer’s comments about the company very personal. Their disappointment and anger stayed in my mind, and bothered me when I tried to sleep. It didn’t used to bother me, but that plus the stress of missing my targets made me get so depressed. I would cry on the way to work, I’d suffer sleepless nights when I had work the next day. When I got fired, I felt the initial panic of losing my income. But as soon as I left the building, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I didn’t know how much that job was wearing me down, until I left. I promised myself that I would NEVER let a job make me feel like that again.

I was then unemployed for 6 months, which changed my opinion on a lot of things. I sent out over 50 applications a week, and was lucky to get any replies. In fact, after 6 months, I’d only been invited to a handful of interviews. Unemployment wasn’t something I had experienced before, and as such I feel like I sneered at people for not finding a job. But, as you get older, it becomes apparent that it also becomes harder to get a job. Businesses want employs which are not going to cost them a lot of money, so people in their late 20s may not be as attractive a prospect as a teenager is. Which isn’t something that is legal, but I can’t help but think that is a factor when deciding who to interview or offer a job too. The people at the ‘dole’ are also not too helpful. I would say that is because they must hear some awful excuses for not looking for work. But most of my visits to the ‘dole’ was to sign a piece of paper, no real help offered and turfed out. It was a waste of time. The job that I did eventually get, I got by phoning an agency directly, not through the job center.

One of my biggest regrets of the year is how badly I have let my creativity fall. I have struggled to write, and haven’t drawn anything much. I had a few blips, where I have drawn for a few days, but then I have fallen behind and never got back into it. I had no motivation what so ever.

I think that 2013 has been a rather disjointed year for me, with me feeling a bit lost. I kind of didn’t know who I was anymore, as I struggled with my personal life and mental health. As bad as it sounds, I am glad the year is over.

Christmas Eve: Being Thankful

December 24, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every year, on Christmas eve, I write a list of things that I am greatful for. Christmas has a tendency to be a bit hard for me, emotionally, and this gives me a boost. And this year, I felt I would post my list publicly, because it is a great idea to make a person feel good.

*My family. I’ll be honest to say that a lot of the time we just rub each other the wrong way, and seem to be arguing a lot. But, I know, that they will support me when things get really bad. I don’t have an other half or friend close enough, and my mum will always give me a shoulder to cry in. I don’t know where I’d be without my family, and Christmas means so much because it is the one time where we are all together. And it’s great.

*A home. A home is a house which becomes part of a person’s memory, their life. This wee house has been the only home I’ve known. It has seen pets come and go, beaten off the frequent gail force winds, and house a family as it grew. There is a sense of warmth remembering all I have been through here. The toddler tantrums, the numerous burning of toast, the street parties, the pets, everything that has happened here. And I am grateful to have had such a place to live my life.

*A job. Going back a year, I don’t think I appreciated how much it meant to me to have a job. But it does. And it took being unemployed to realise that. As well as the obvious money, my job gave me confidence. After numerous knock-backs, to get started somewhere felt great. And even better than I am good at the job I have been employed for. I get a satisfaction that I haven’t had for a long time. And it is a great feeling, a feeling that I maybe can be useful.

*My friends. I am the first to admit that I am probably not the best friend to have. I don’t voice my appreciation and I don’t contact folk enough. The good thing is, that I know that I could turn to any one of my friends, and they’d listen and support me. This is something that has given me great strength this year, particularly when I really needed it. The thing that I really appreciate, is that despite my downfalls, my friends don’t judge. And when I feel like everyone is judging me, it’s nice to have people who don’t. They allow me to be myself, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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I hope all my readers have a great Christmas, and that you all have the best times with those you love. Have a good one. xx

Snatched Away

December 13, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

In an idea world, every person that we meet, every relationship we have, ends as clean as the conclusion of a well written novel. There are no broken hearts, maybe a few nursed tears, but nothing serious. When everything ends, everyone involved feels validated and secure in themselves.

But, that’s not how things work, do they?

Bruised egos and broken hearts. They are what’s left behind when something ends unexpectedly. The feelings of self-doubt, where a person’s thoughts re-tread, in a bid to see if anything could have been done differently. The depression that follows, once we are sure that things changed because of your failures. This is a horrible part of our nature. We, as people, seem to want to take full responsibility for everything, even when things aren’t a reaction to what we have done. At all. We feel like we must have done something wrong.

I guess, the world that we interpret, is one that surrounds us. As if you are the main character in some made for TV movie, where characters just seem to disappear. Soap opera characters may be able to move on after losing something, but most people struggle. TV. The very thing that we use to relax, actually has the ability to stress a person out. People do take time to get over things when they suffer a loss, and ‘time’ is longer than a 30 minute episode.

Sorry, rambled a bit. Back to my point.

Because our view of the world is from our point of view, everything happens around us. As egotistical as it sounds, we really are the centre of our own world. And I think that this is where we get our need to control everything.

The hardest thing for a person to accept is that we will never have a definite answer for everything. And sometimes we have to leave a situation with no completion, no end and no reason for the end. Part of maturing as a person, is learning to accept that ‘perfect endings’ don’t happen. There is always something that you could do differently, always, but it doesn’t mean that the ending would be anything different.

Finding Time

December 8, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life sometimes gets busy. As Christmas approaches, I find myself busier and busier. This time of year is expensive, and I have to put in more hours in at the day job just to afford it. This means, that I have less time to do what I want to do.

At the moment, I am working 55 hour weeks, which is a lot. When I finish work in the evening, I struggle to find the motivation to do anything other than watching tv. But, when I am that exhausted, I find it hard to fit in anything useful. I don’t even browse the internet as much as I used to, I just can’t be bothered. And, it has reached the stage, where I am annoying myself.

But, as I try to get used to working such heavy hours, I need to remind myself not to be too harsh. Lots of people struggle to find a happy balance between work and life. It is only natural, for other things to slip when your focus is set on a certain aspect of your life. And thinking that helps me feel less guilty, because I do feel guilty. I feel guilty for not doing more of what I love. I sometimes feel that by not doing all I want, I am committing some huge disservice to myself.

I guess I have to do what I do best, and resort to lists to help me out. I need to think about what i need to do, and schedule it a time for the activity to be done. Which sounds a little bonkers, but maybe it’s the only way to utilise any free time that I have. Because as relaxing as soaps and cups of tea are, they don’t make me feel better about keeping up with my hobbies and things. I have a need to be creative on some kind of level. Even if it is just whining, like this.

Headstrong!

November 18, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

One of the hardest things in life is to keep motivated when things don’t go your way. It is not how a person acts with their successes that defines them as a person, but how they deal with their failures. Because as much as we pretend otherwise, everyone experiences failure at some point in their lives.

Honestly, I never used to be good at dealing with failing at things. In fact, when it did happen, I ‘dealt’ with it by cutting myself off, and giving up on whatever had bettered me. Which, although it was intended as a bid to protect myself from any further disappointment, all it did was waste the time that I had put into it. Which, when every moment we have is a gift, is not a good thing. If there is something that we really want, we owe it to ourselves to keep trying to reach our goal. Any failures are minor setbacks on a path to success.

Or that’s what I keep telling myself. Try to keep my head up, as things seem to keep setting me back. I have started to tell myself repeatedly that life isn’t a flat journey, it needs the bumps to make it exciting. Kids think that life is an adventure, every day is exciting. To live life successfully, we need to get that childish wonder back, need to have a sense of fun about life. Sometimes when life is taken to seriously, it is when we start to struggle with it, and everything becomes a stressful mess. All that is needed is a step back and a deep breath to make the world that little bit easier to deal with.

Never Enough

November 12, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I work best when working through a list. Doesn’t matter what the activity is, I have to structure it out, so that I can get everything done. I panic when I get overwhelmed, so placing things in some sort of methodical order seems to help me not panic.

But, it isn’t just panicking that I do. If I don’t have a list and order to focus on things, I don’t focus very hard at all. I will maybe start something, but my mind will wander, and I will end up doing something else, without finishing my initial task. Which would be okay, if there was only two or three tasks to do, but give me a day of non-focus and I could ‘half do’ around 10-15 different things. And, then I get frustrated. With myself. With the work. With everything. And then nothing further happens.

Sometimes, despite writing lists, I get bored and do something else. If it is something which uses active thought, like blogging, I’m fine. When it is something like doing housework, I just mentally clock out and end up doing something else. I guess I have to just find a way to become more involved in every task that I set out to do. Try not to become distracted. I feel, that sometimes it is like I need to have someone watching over me, to push me seeing things through to completion.

I guess I sound like a teenager, who thinks that they have better things to do. But it can honestly be very hard to get things done properly. But, one thing has changed from school-age me. I no longer give up on things, if I have had a bad and unproductive day. I just take a deep breath and carry on at the next opportunity, be it the next hour, day or whatever. I take a moment to take in what I haven’t done, but no longer berate myself on my failures. I might have a whine, but I will put my head down and try to work hard round everything.

I guess the important part is never giving up on anything. You only truly fail when you give up.

Time To Relax (DD #1)

November 5, 2013November 5, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Decided to try a new thing today, inspired by viewing art on both Tumblr and Instagram. I have bought a new sketchbook, and am going to try and draw a new thing every day, and I thought it would be handy to post it here. Particularly because this is supposed to be a creative blog, so maybe it would be a good idea.

So here is my first sketch:

Because I have been so relaxed the last few days, I felt it would be relevant to doodle something about that. So it is supposed to be a couch, which is what I relax on every day when I finish my work, or I just want to watch some TV with the family. A couch is comfortable and always makes me think of relaxation when I see one.

Everyone needs to have times where they can relax a little, and most people need reminding to do that sometimes. And that is why we have couches in our homes. It means you can just sit in comfort, and forget your stresses, whatever they may be. If I want to chill with my family, I sit on the couch downstairs, and if I want some alone time, I sit on my bed, which ends up as the same purpose as a couch. I think it can sometimes be a little hard to realise that relaxation isn’t something that a person should just schedule into their lives. It should always have a place in daily life, that is there as a full-stop to a busy day.

I hope that everyone has a little time to put their feet up, and enjoy some comfortable peace.

Howdy Doodie

November 4, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am getting really bad at this update thing. Wish I had a lot more motivation. November is NaNoWriMo, and for the first time in 4 years, I am not even attempting it. The idea is that a person writes a full length novel in the space of a month. As enjoyable as I find the process, I have no motivation what-so-ever. If there is one thing that I hate, it is the thought that I could fail, which would be a certainty.

In my personal life, I am still working away in my temporary job. Money for Christmas, and for things that I have needed for months. It is a relief, that even though I do not have an abundance of money, that I can buy some of what I want. I can pay my way. Which is something that I struggled to do without a job.

I don’t think that I ever appreciated how difficult it is for someone to find employment once they lose a job. I was in constant employment for almost 13 years of my life, and yet I was unemployed for 6 months trying to find a job. I’d hate to see how bad it would have been, if I had never worked. But that is what some people face. With the unhelpful Job Centre staff, it is very easy to lose any hope of finding employment. And I imagine that feeling would get worse and worse, the longer that you were unemployed.

Long story short, I am happy where I am. Yes, it maybe isn’t idea to be working in a warehouse, but for the moment it pays my bills, and everyone there are so nice. I have been cross-trained in another department after under 2 months, which feels great. I feel like I can so something, and that I am useful. Once I force myself out of bed, I am in a great mood going to work. Which is a complete 180 on the sleepless nights I faced at my old job.

But working has me in a good mood. And considering what has happened over the last year, it is great to have my sense of purpose back.

Time Filled With Joy

October 22, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life, is hard. A lot harder than what they told us in school. Which is a strange concept, when every teenager assumes High School is the hardest thing that they will ever experience. The forced human contact with people you don’t like, doing classes you don’t want to and being stopped from visiting the toilet outwith break times. As a student, I always felt victimised when I was at school, and I know I wasn’t alone.

But now, in adulthood, I have gone through many jobs, and realised that my feelings from school were mis-judged. School’s purpose is to teach you what you could use in adulthood. Yes, the subjects may not all relate to adult life, but the structure of High School does. In every job you are going to have to get on with people you don’t like, do jobs you don’t want to do, and work to a strict schedule. That is a part of life, and one of the most important lessons, is to do all this and still be happy.

To keep myself in a positive state of mind, I try to do little things that make me happy, particularly on days where I think I’m going to be stressed. I read a book, play Xbox, write a blog, watch a movie or just have a bath. I try to fill my downtime with things that make me happy. This coping mechanism seems to make everyday life a bit easier to deal with. Which is what life is about, in my point of view. Finding ways to deal with the hard stuff the world can throw at you. Something that helps make working a job you hate, worth it.

So, on this Tuesday evening, I hope that you remember what makes you happy, and go do it. Do it because it makes you smile. Do it because it is fun. Do it because it makes you end a bad day on a high. And do this every day. Maybe different thing on a different day, and don’t let the negativity of your professional situation spoil your life. You deserve to be happy.

Always Learning

October 20, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I heard recently, that once you reach your 20s, it becomes harder to learn things. I feel a bit weird about that, as I have learnt more as an adult than I did at school.

I find that as I get older, I do have more patience and motivation to discover more things. I like seeing new things, and finding out things I haven’t previously known about. I think when I was in education, I became apathetic about education, because I didn’t liked the environment of ‘forced learning’. It was okay, if the topic was something that I had interest in, but when it wasn’t, I found it so hard.

When I have got older, I have started learning off my own back. And because I am learning at my own speed, I find it so much easier to stay motivated and pick up things. I think, that it is important that people keep an open mind to carry on learning. That could be the problem with a lot of ignorance, people feel that because they are adults they have nothing else to learn. They have closed off their minds, which stops them from picking up on anything new. Which, I feel, can leave a person at a disadvantage to those with a more open mind.

Saying that, sometimes learning something new can be frustrating. I recently got a new laptop, which has Windows 8 installed. Now, the last version of Windows that I had, was XP, and it did what I wanted. But my computer died, so I got a new one. Windows 8 is a headache. I am trying to find my way round it, but I keep on finding that it seems to halt me in whatever I am doing. I think Windows 8 is about touch screen technology, which is great, unless you don’t have a touch screen device. Which I don’t. So I am trying to get my head round this new operating system, and until I do, I am stumbling through every activity I try to do on it. So frustrating. But, I just have to take a deep breath, I will get it eventually.

And that’s what I have learnt through being an adult. Patience and perseverance. I am not afraid to give something the time to get to know it properly.