Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Social Media Bore?

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In world where there appears to be a need to constantly stream our lives over social networks, it is a struggle to find meaning in ones life. Taking photos of coffees, dinners and things the world, outside our own heads, don’t really care about. We then publish these photos as if they are important snippets of who we are as people.

Our social media selves are a very different person to our real selves. For example, I don’t drink half as much coffee as my Instagram would have you believe. I am also not as confrontational or witty as I am on twitter. I work, I sleep, I eat too much, I watch Netflix. That is me in a nutshell. But even that is a lie. Yes I do all of those things, but it is not who I am. Or is it?

There are various schools of thought which suggests that a person is more honest to themselves when they can speak freely. Which is a basic idea of social media. Or should I say, ‘ideal’? There is a bullying presence across social media, as people grab on to numerous aliases to anonymously berate people they disagree with. This produces a fear of being honest and true, because when someone turns against you, it can be harsh.

So people can hold back. I know I do. I post things that will start no conflict, purely so that I can feel like I can share, without sharing. So the ‘Starbucks Instagram’ happens rather than posting art work or writings that are personal. Because if someone berates my coffee pic, who cares, it’s just coffee. But if someone berates something I have worked on to create, I take it personal. Particularly when those who are critical try so hard to be personally offensive.

So, I guess, people post boring because they may get their need to update ‘the world’, without exposing themselves too much. But again, that may be only my take.

Quickly! Quickly!

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I am a person who always seems to be running late, or struggling to get things done. This means that things can end up not as well done as I would like. It is super stressful.

The silly thing is that other than my job, I don’t fill my time with anything notable. I tend to have small brainwaves of projects that I could do at work, or in bed, when I can’t really do anything about it. So, when it comes to actually doing something I either squeeze it in to whatever time I have left when I remember it, or I just completely forget. It is very annoying, because I suffer from creative blocks, and so when I get inspired you’d think I’d do my best to grasp it with both hands.

What I need to do is to create a plan. If I think of an idea, write it on my phone or whatever. And when I get home, I can look at the ideas and hopefully create something new. Because one of the things that has stopped me blogging is that I feel I am constant repeating myself, caused by me not being so forward thinking.

That’s sometimes all that someone can do, look to make changes to be better.

Unsocial Media

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I am going through a strange time with my relationship with the internet. For years, since I started blogging, I have found myself thinking more about what goes on when one posts things online. It has always been something, that has felt like a huge sense of relief for me, but recently, that hasn’t been the case.

When I post something, it has been done because it is personal to me. There has been some thought in my head, which has made me want to communicate how I feel about a certain something. It has always proved as being a very therapeutic way of organising my thoughts, and has previously helped relieve a lot of stress, so I can focus on other things. But, recently, I have found that what I post has been getting negative comments. As if I post personal things because I want attention. As silly as it sounds, attention is the last thing that I have on my mind. I have found before, that by sharing my own experiences, other people can sometimes feel not quite so alone. Because when you are experiencing difficulties in your life, it is easy to feel completely alienated from those around you. So, when you read about someone feeling as bad as you are, it can be quite comforting. In fact, when I was struggling with depression, it was reading blogs and online forums that helped encourage me to get help. So to me, social media is fantastic, because it can help people get the support that they may not have the courage to get from those around us.

Recently, I decided to do a major life change, and try to change my eating habits, I joined weight watchers. Something I have never done before, but felt encouraged to do so, by checking out fitness forums and things. On these sites, there are a lot of help points, to try and help you get motivated.  One of the points was keeping a foodlog. By posting photos of food on instagram and Tumblr, it reaches the online community, which can support you in your efforts. Seeing how sharing online has helped me before, I thought that this would be an excellent way to keep note on what I am eating. As if I feel too embarrassed to post about something I want to eat, then it is a sign that I shouldn’t be eating it. To me, this makes sense. I have a habit of eating without thinking about it very much, most of the time, I am not even hungry.

This sounds a very postive change, right?

The biggest social network is Facebook. Where people seem to take offence if you post something personal to you. Particularly, as with depression, it can come in cycles, people start complaining that it is done for attention. So when it is something personal, these off-hand remarks from supposed friends, hurt. The same thing happens when I started posting about photographing food. I am called names because to these people, food isn’t something that is deserving of their Facebook feed. Because, if you didn’t know, Facebook is exclusively for stolen memes, game requests, pictures of children and drunken nights out. People are very intolerant of Facebook. I believe this may be because some of the people ‘friends’ with you on there, aren’t really your friends, they just want to spy on those that they shared a college class with once. On every other website, if someone doesn’t like what you post, they unfollow. For some reason, that doesn’t happen on Facebook, people just post vague complaints about the content posted by folk they follow. It’s laughable, really.

With the bad experience with Facebook, I stepped back. Because speaking about any of my feelings is still so hard, to have it treated so harshly is horrible. So, I took it time to think about it. These comments that people post, are about that person’s hang-ups, and they reflect more on that person than they do me. I also have to try and toughen up, and that I have conviction to write something, then I should stand by it 100%.

Panic Stations

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I am a stress head.

When something happens, good or bad, I stress over it. When things get quiet, my brain goes into overload, and it panics over what has been done during the day. I pick over every detail, and worry about what I could have done differently.

When I was at school, I would fall out with friends sometimes. Have petty arguments that lasted one day, like most kids do. I would stay up all night, worrying that I had upset someone by doing something stupid. I was forever apologising for things that didn’t seem to bother the person I was actually apologising to.

My previous job was in a call center, for a customer services department. I took it because I love speaking to people, and wanted to help folk out. But telling loyal customers that there was nothing I could do when they were experiencing times with financial hardship. No discounts, no reconnections, no nothing. And me, being in a bad financial state myself, I sympathised with them. And because I know that I couldn’t help, I lost my confidence. I would go home at night, worrying about these customers that I wasn’t able to help. I would cry in bed, cry on my way to work. I became so stressed that I was of no use to anyone, because I couldn’t even help them when I needed it.  It wore me down, and I fell into self-harming. Something that I hadn’t done in years. It was hard.

I am trying to stop over-analysing everything going on, and that not everything that happens is a direct result of my actions. It is difficult, I still panic if I think I say something wrong to someone. It is hard to change a habit of a lifetime, but it is something that is long over due.

 

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It’s hard to believe that’s another year behind us. I feel like the last few years have gone too fast, and I barely have had the chance to catch my breath. Saying that, I am glad 2013 is over with, because it was a bad year. Well, not awful, but I really struggled through the year, and actually experienced some of my lowest periods than I have for a long time.

But, I got through it, and managed through the year, as hard as it appeared sometimes. And the cliched thing to do at this time of the year is to close that chapter of one’s life, and plan for the year ahead. I am not normally the type of person to do that, but it feels very theraputic for me not to focus on what happened in 2013. Because, if I’m honest, I know that I will focus on the bad stuff that happened. So, looking ahead to all the changes I could make, and how it can positively change my life. So, I have made a few aims, to change things for my life.

1) Eat healthier. I am not talking about diets, and quick fixes. I want to change my attitude on food, not just lose weight. I need to cut down on the sugary drinks and fatty snacks. I have read for years that bad fats and too much sugar can make you lethargic. In my job, I need as much energy as possible, because I am on my feet all day, and I simply can’t eat when I feel like it. So, I need to make sure I am eating the right foods, so that I am not bloated either. My plan initially is to cut down on the sugary drinks, and see what happens. One step at a time.

2)Be a better friend. I feel that I have been stuck in my own head for most of last year. And as a result, I haven’t been very good at returning messages or meeting up with friends. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my friends, so I feel like I owe them a lot. As such, I feel super guilty that I haven’t been there for people as much as I should have been. I have always had this guilt that was created because I felt guilty about ‘forcing’ myself on people, particularly because folk have their own issues. I want to push my own conclusions out of my head. All I can do is check in with folk and try to meet up with people. If people don’t get back, or decline an invitation, it’s their choice, it has not indication on what kind of person I am.

3)Get out and enjoy more live music. 2013 was a rather uninspiring year for gigs. I have been to see bands locally, but that’s about it. I have made the excuse of having no money, and never ventured out of the house. Live music is one of the great passions of my life, and I am guilty of not seeing as much as I want. This year, I am going to go out and see bands, weekly hopefully. Even if it means I am drinking water, so that I can pay a few quid for entry to see a few bands play in Edinburgh. The joy of seeing live music is worth it. If I plan gigs and events to go to, it makes it easier to deal with the bad days, because I’ll have something to look forward to.

So that is it. They are just three wee things, made up of regrets from the last year. I think that if you want to change, you should focus on the things that you are most disappointed with yourself about. Mostly, because negativity can be used to drive you so far. Regardless how it ends up, I aim to make the best out of what ever happens this year. And I hope that all my readers have a fantastic 2014.

Looking Back on 2013

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Another year is over. And I sit here in my bed, all sick with the cold, as ponder on the last year. It has been a bit of a personal rollercoaster, which sounds horrifically cliched. But I feel as I get older, every year has more of a mixture of fortune. Good or bad, all that matters is that we learn from what happens.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is not to become weighed down by something that I hate. I had been in my old job for 6 and a half years, and I was becoming bored of it. I was struggling to do my job, as I took the customer’s comments about the company very personal. Their disappointment and anger stayed in my mind, and bothered me when I tried to sleep. It didn’t used to bother me, but that plus the stress of missing my targets made me get so depressed. I would cry on the way to work, I’d suffer sleepless nights when I had work the next day. When I got fired, I felt the initial panic of losing my income. But as soon as I left the building, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I didn’t know how much that job was wearing me down, until I left. I promised myself that I would NEVER let a job make me feel like that again.

I was then unemployed for 6 months, which changed my opinion on a lot of things. I sent out over 50 applications a week, and was lucky to get any replies. In fact, after 6 months, I’d only been invited to a handful of interviews. Unemployment wasn’t something I had experienced before, and as such I feel like I sneered at people for not finding a job. But, as you get older, it becomes apparent that it also becomes harder to get a job. Businesses want employs which are not going to cost them a lot of money, so people in their late 20s may not be as attractive a prospect as a teenager is. Which isn’t something that is legal, but I can’t help but think that is a factor when deciding who to interview or offer a job too. The people at the ‘dole’ are also not too helpful. I would say that is because they must hear some awful excuses for not looking for work. But most of my visits to the ‘dole’ was to sign a piece of paper, no real help offered and turfed out. It was a waste of time. The job that I did eventually get, I got by phoning an agency directly, not through the job center.

One of my biggest regrets of the year is how badly I have let my creativity fall. I have struggled to write, and haven’t drawn anything much. I had a few blips, where I have drawn for a few days, but then I have fallen behind and never got back into it. I had no motivation what so ever.

I think that 2013 has been a rather disjointed year for me, with me feeling a bit lost. I kind of didn’t know who I was anymore, as I struggled with my personal life and mental health. As bad as it sounds, I am glad the year is over.

 

 

Christmas Eve: Being Thankful

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Every year, on Christmas eve, I write a list of things that I am greatful for. Christmas has a tendency to be a bit hard for me, emotionally, and this gives me a boost. And this year, I felt I would post my list publicly, because it is a great idea to make a person feel good.

*My family. I’ll be honest to say that a lot of the time we just rub each other the wrong way, and seem to be arguing a lot. But, I know, that they will support me when things get really bad. I don’t have an other half or friend close enough, and my mum will always give me a shoulder to cry in. I don’t know where I’d be without my family, and Christmas means so much because it is the one time where we are all together. And it’s great.

*A home. A home is a house which becomes part of a person’s memory, their life. This wee house has been the only home I’ve known. It has seen pets come and go, beaten off the frequent gail force winds, and house a family as it grew. There is a sense of warmth remembering all I have been through here. The toddler tantrums, the numerous burning of toast, the street parties, the pets, everything that has happened here. And I am grateful to have had such a place to live my life.

*A job. Going back a year, I don’t think I appreciated how much it meant to me to have a job. But it does. And it took being unemployed to realise that. As well as the obvious money, my job gave me confidence. After numerous knock-backs, to get started somewhere felt great. And even better than I am good at the job I have been employed for. I get a satisfaction that I haven’t had for a long time. And it is a great feeling, a feeling that I maybe can be useful.

*My friends. I am the first to admit that I am probably not the best friend to have. I don’t voice my appreciation and I don’t contact folk enough. The good thing is, that I know that I could turn to any one of my friends, and they’d listen and support me. This is something that has given me great strength this year, particularly when I really needed it. The thing that I really appreciate, is that despite my downfalls, my friends don’t judge. And when I feel like everyone is judging me, it’s nice to have people who don’t. They allow me to be myself, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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I hope all my readers have a great Christmas, and that you all have the best times with those you love. Have a good one. xx

Snatched Away

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In an idea world, every person that we meet, every relationship we have, ends as clean as the conclusion of a well written novel. There are no broken hearts, maybe a few nursed tears, but nothing serious. When everything ends, everyone involved feels validated and secure in themselves.

But, that’s not how things work, do they?

Bruised egos and broken hearts. They are what’s left behind when something ends unexpectedly. The feelings of self-doubt, where a person’s thoughts re-tread, in a bid to see if anything could have been done differently. The depression that follows, once we are sure that things changed because of your failures. This is a horrible part of our nature. We, as people, seem to want to take full responsibility for everything, even when things aren’t a reaction to what we have done. At all. We feel like we must have done something wrong.

I guess, the world that we interpret, is one that surrounds us. As if you are the main character in some made for TV movie, where characters just seem to disappear. Soap opera characters may be able to move on after losing something, but most people struggle. TV. The very thing that we use to relax, actually has the ability to stress a person out. People do take time to get over things when they suffer a loss, and ‘time’ is longer than a 30 minute episode.

Sorry, rambled a bit. Back to my point.

Because our view of the world is from our point of view, everything happens around us. As egotistical as it sounds, we really are the centre of our own world. And I think that this is where we get our need to control everything.

The hardest thing for a person to accept is that we will never have a definite answer for everything. And sometimes we have to leave a situation with no completion, no end and no reason for the end. Part of maturing as a person, is learning to accept that ‘perfect endings’ don’t happen. There is always something that you could do differently, always, but it doesn’t mean that the ending would be anything different.

Finding Time

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Life sometimes gets busy. As Christmas approaches, I find myself busier and busier. This time of year is expensive, and I have to put in more hours in at the day job just to afford it. This means, that I have less time to do what I want to do.

At the moment, I am working 55 hour weeks, which is a lot. When I finish work in the evening, I struggle to find the motivation to do anything other than watching tv. But, when I am that exhausted, I find it hard to fit in anything useful. I don’t even browse the internet as much as I used to, I just can’t be bothered. And, it has reached the stage, where I am annoying myself.

But, as I try to get used to working such heavy hours, I need to remind myself not to be too harsh. Lots of people struggle to find a happy balance between work and life. It is only natural, for other things to slip when your focus is set on a certain aspect of your life. And thinking that helps me feel less guilty, because I do feel guilty. I feel guilty for not doing more of what I love. I sometimes feel that by not doing all I want, I am committing some huge disservice to myself.

I guess I have to do what I do best, and resort to lists to help me out. I need to think about what i need to do, and schedule it a time for the activity to be done. Which sounds a little bonkers, but maybe it’s the only way to utilise any free time that I have. Because as relaxing as soaps and cups of tea are, they don’t make me feel better about keeping up with my hobbies and things. I have a need to be creative on some kind of level. Even if it is just whining, like this.

Headstrong!

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One of the hardest things in life is to keep motivated when things don’t go your way. It is not how a person acts with their successes that defines them as a person, but how they deal with their failures. Because as much as we pretend otherwise, everyone experiences failure at some point in their lives.

Honestly, I never used to be good at dealing with failing at things. In fact, when it did happen, I ‘dealt’ with it by cutting myself off, and giving up on whatever had bettered me. Which, although it was intended as a bid to protect myself from any further disappointment, all it did was waste the time that I had put into it. Which, when every moment we have is a gift, is not a good thing. If there is something that we really want, we owe it to ourselves to keep trying to reach our goal. Any failures are minor setbacks on a path to success.

Or that’s what I keep telling myself. Try to keep my head up, as things seem to keep setting me back. I have started to tell myself repeatedly that life isn’t a flat journey, it needs the bumps to make it exciting. Kids think that life is an adventure, every day is exciting. To live life successfully, we need to get that childish wonder back, need to have a sense of fun about life. Sometimes when life is taken to seriously, it is when we start to struggle with it, and everything becomes a stressful mess. All that is needed is a step back and a deep breath to make the world that little bit easier to deal with.