Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Aches And Pains

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When I tell people I haven’t been to the doctor in a long time, they question my intelligence. They don’t understand why a person wouldn’t want to get help. I try to explain why, and I feel stupid. I feel like a child who is not wanting to go to school because they have forgotten their homework. When, in reality, it is nothing like that.

Let me explain, last year I sprained my Achilles’ tendon, and was told it would take up to 3 months to heal. I hurt it going down the stairs at work, and within a day, it had swollen up like a golf ball. I went to the hospital, and advised of the recovery time mentioned above. After some research when I got home, I read that a quick recovery was based on an average person working in an office. I kind of banged my head off the wall at this. I work in a warehouse, and can be on my feet over 11 hours a day. So, it’s safe to say, my recovery hasn’t gone as quickly as I’d prefer. In fact, after a day of work, I am almost always limping about my house.

I should have really gone to the doctor after the initial 3 month period (start of the year). This is when another problem comes into the fray. I struggle with anxiety. I get panicked at what should be normal things, like getting on a bus. I over think things, and end up talking myself out of doing something. Going to the doctor is a prime example. I am in pain a lot, but I think that someone else is more deserving of the doctors time. I feel like I am a ‘bother’, and just annoy people around me.

Trying to explain anxiety to someone who hasn’t had it, is hard. It’s hard to explain what happens, because people want to know why. I wish I knew why I feel like I do. I get panicked about a situation, I don’t really know why, so I panic more.

There is a positive change. I have an appointment for the Doctors tomorrow. Sometime that I was encouraged to do by my work. I feel like I am falling apart, but also trying to get it in my head that asking for help isn’t the worst thing. It’s a constant battle in my head, it’s not nice.

Proud?

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Over 1 week of continuous blogging. How good am I?

This blog is proof that a little planning goes a long way, as I think I have only sat down at the computer for 2 days of writing. I have wrote about what was on my mind, or about something I’ve enjoyed. The best thing is, because posts are being written 2 or 3 at a time, it is different topics that are being written about. And that spurns me on because I feel like I am talking about different things, and it becomes easier to write.

This motivation has been great, and as such I have started drawing again. Nothing special, just a few doodles. It has always been something that relaxes me, so to have the drive to do it is awesome. It makes me feel a lot less anxious about stuff. That is something that is always a good thing.

Mis-information

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One of the most irritating things is when someone tells you the wrong information in a bit to make a sale. This happens a lot, in a society where businesses want every penny they can. Every time you watch TV or open the newspaper there are advertisements everywhere. Companies fighting each other to gain a consumer’s attention. To get their money. This should be great for consumers. Get the best deals as the companies compete for customers. But it doesn’t always happen like that. Sometimes corners get cut, and the customer gets mislead, or feels let down.

As said previously, I sold my old phone through a mobile phone site, mainly because they did the best deal for my phone. They promised a quick turnaround and the money will go straight to my bank within days of recieving my phone. It sounded too good to be true. Well, they offered me £120 for an iPhone 4S and I was thrilled. So sent it away, and waited for a result. They said they phone had water damage, as had a ‘water damage’ indicator on the inside. Being me, I trust the company and was disappointed, when they offered me £90 instead, I accepted it. After all, that was the general price every other company was offering me. 4 days later, I am still waiting for anything about payment, and I’m getting frustrated. So, I googled the company and read a few reviews. This should have been something I did first. Many of the reviewers had experiences like mine. Where perfect handsets were voiced as having ‘water damage’. Phones that had been previously tested as undamaged, fail when they go to this company. So the company then drops the price, down to the level that other companies are offering to pay for your device. It has the appearance of a con, to get people in with higher than normal offers for devices, just decrease it.

After working in customer services previously, I feel that I should point out that people NEED TO read their terms in conditions. They are usually a tiny font, or available at the bottom of a website. You should always read these conditions BEFORE you agree to anything. If you agree to something, and it comes up later in your dealings with a company, you will be in the wrong. Never ever sign or agree to anything you don’t read. If you don’t read everything, you have nowhere to turn if it all goes wrong.

The Loner Life

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I feel like I have always been a bit of a loner. I like my own company a
lot, rather than having to deal with people. That sounds really selfish, but it isn’t because I don’t like people. It’s because I feel like I ruin people’s free time and things. It’s part of my anxiety disorder, behaviours I had as a child, which have became worse as I’ve got older. I feel like I am a bore, so I don’t bother meeting with them, so that they can continue with their lives rather than being dragged down by me. And it totally stresses me out.

So as a result, I spend a lot of time on my own. Reading, listening to music, watching movies, browsing the internet. I do things, but things that don’t involve actual contact with other people. That way I don’t feel guilty. Because that happens way too often. I feel like I am a bit of a shit person, and that people will get angry when they find that out. So sometimes I panic, as my brain anticipates that I am going to make someone angry. I can have sleepless nights over whether I’ve said something that could have offended someone. I can panic over not having the right change when getting on the bus.

Sometimes it is best just to be alone and not having to panic. It’s actually pretty good to not having my brain run 100% miles an hour.

Hello Kitty, Kitty

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Music sites across the internet are awash with criticism towards, Canadian pop rocker, Avril Lavigne’s latest video Hello Kitty. As a fan of Avril’s previous music, I thought I’d take a wee look. Have a look for yourself, below.

First thing I’d say, is that it is dang catchy, very cutesy pop music. Which is fine. But, I feel that there is a section of the music buying public, who liked the Avril who sang Sk8tr Boy, not this perky, girly nonsense. Those people need to understand that a music artist, be it Cradle of Filth or One Direction, they will not recycle the same music album after album. They will progress, change their sound to get more sales or keep with their own tastes. Music is something artistic, and art is influenced by what goes on around you. As a result, as a person’s life changes, the music that they wish to create may also change. You can argue about it being marketed as the Hello Kitty song, and being appealing to young children. Sitting here on a Hello Kitty bed, with a Hello Kitty plush beside me, actually makes me think this song is marketed at me, actually. Yeah. Awesome.

The video is set in Japan, with cute Japanese girls as backing dancers, as Avril sings about a pre-teen slumber party. Or that is what it sounds like to me. There have been cries that this video is racist, particularly to the blank expressions and dance routine of the backing dancers.

“I love Japanese culture and I spend half of my time in Japan. I flew to Tokyo to shoot this video specifically for my Japanese fans, WITH my Japanese label, Japanese choreographers AND a Japanese director IN Japan.”-Avril Lavigne

Fair enough comment to make, right? Except, it feels a bit like when a racist person says they have a ‘black friend’ as if that proves they aren’t racist. I don’t think that is the intention at all, but I can’t help shake that thought out of my head. But, what she is saying is true. Avril is very popular in Japan, so has ended up doing a video that may appear similar to other Japanese pop videos, in a manner of it’s styling. Possibly paying homage to the music scene that has made her feel accepted. Looking back at Qwen Steffani’s LAMB dancers, I find that more offensive. Love, Angel, Music and Baby were 4 Japanese dancers that followed Gwen around like puppies, in many music videos and tours. These people didn’t have a voice, but became a big part of Gwen’s act. Maybe I wasn’t aware of it, but I didn’t see such a negative reaction for that. And that act actually did make me feel strange seeing it.

In this world, where cultural appropriation is becoming a majorly debated topic, people call foul of any person seen not respecting other cultures. Some people don’t have the capacity to believe that they could disrespect something just by wearing an item of clothing, for example. If something looks cool and interesting, some people want to be a part of it. They maybe don’t know the intricacies of the culture, but that doesn’t mean they disrespect it. However, if someone from the culture, which you are borrowing from, does get offended, they should be listened to. If what you are wearing is from another culture, it is not your voice that matters when someone from that culture is offended. There is a belief that is instilled in some ‘white’ people, that they have the right to anything. This is not true, and people should respect one another, no matter their colour or heritage.

Do I think the video is offensive? It’s more rubbish, than racist, in my opinion. BUT, racism isn’t something that I have experience in, so I don’t feel qualified to base a decision on it. Qwen Steffani’s Japanese phase made me feel a lot more uncomfortable than Avril Lavigne’s one. The crass advertising of a children’s product is what turns my stomach more than the Japanese theming.

(Not) Following Instructions

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I like to think I am a very independently minded person, in that I am willing to go down a different path, if I feel it will work for me. I always have been a little like that. Did what I wanted to do, despite what other people would do. I’d spend my summers reading library books, as well as playing outside with friends. From an early age, I seemed to realis that ‘a little bit of everything’ is a good thing. So I would try new things, as well as doing my favourite things. The problem with trying something new, is that you have to learn the best way to do it, and this can sometimes be where I fall a bit flat.

If I get instructions for something, I tend to skim through and try to pick the bits that I deem the most important. This is, as I have mentioned before, because I am lazy. I don’t want to spend any longer on something than necessary. I like a good ol’ quick fix. Sometimes it works. I do what ever I need done, and there are no problems. However, a lot of the time something doesn’t work. And you’d think I would have learned something over my 30 years of life, on to at least read instructions properly. But I haven’t.

I am sure that everyone has this one character flaw, that means that they do the same thing wrong over and over again. Reading instructions is mine. I seem to think I know what I need to do, before I even glance at the instructions. This seems bizarre, when I am writing it down like this, because if I knew what to do, then why have the instructions? What I think I know, and what I don’t know are two different things. As a person, living in an age where I can Google any question I have from my phone, wherever I am. Information is everywhere. And as such, I think it may make people think they know ‘it all’, when the actually know very little. And I feel this ‘knowlege bravado’ is what makes me rush through instructions and trying to learn. It is something that annoys me, because if I read things properly, it would probably take less time that having to re-read things because of inadequate skimming.

An example of this is that I recently decided to sell my old phone to a phone recycling website, so I can get a bit of cash. Great idea, right? I received a box with instructions on preparing your phone for delivery. The instructions was two sided, which I would have noticed if I had taken my time. I read one side, which showed how to wipe all the data from your mobile phone, and then send it. Which I did? What I had missed was that you also had to remove the device from your online cloud account. I only know this, because I received an email from the company telling me to remove the phone from my account. So I have had to take time tonight, after work, to find my account and remove the device as requested. And the disturbance to my evening, is no-one’s fault but my own.

So learning how to follow instructions needs to be on my to-do list. Not that anything on that list is getting done. Am I the only one who doesn’t read instructions properly?

Gamer Fail

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As you hopefully see, I posted a review for the movie Remembering Sunday earlier this week. This review thing was something I planned to do a while ago. Do game, movie and music reviews. Which sounds awesome, something a little different on this here blog. So far gaming is the biggest fail on the list. Why? Because for the amount of hours I spend playing games, I suck at them all. I never complete games, I usually get stuck at a stupidly early level and give up.

But that isn’t all. I refuse to spend absurd amounts of money on computer games, as they are awful expensive. And on top of that, it takes me so long to make any progress in games, I refuse to spend stupid money on one. Sometimes. I am guilty of trading in my old 3DS for a 3DS XL, because the XL felt better in my hands. Not so flimsy, if that makes sense. So that I feel was a valid reason for upgrading, particularly because I drop stuff A LOT, and the normal 3DS seemed very breakable. There is a joke being made by a friend, that if I am so nervous about a console with hinges, I should buy a 2DS.

I mostly play games on my iphone, 3DS and Xbox 360. So, the original plan was to download a game weekly, and review it on here. Except I have a habit of purchasing old games, and some new ones. For instance South Park: Stick of Truth(2014) is in my Xbox, Super Mario: Sticker Star (2012) is in my 3DS. I get stuck so easy, so it would maybe end up ‘this level was okay, till I couldn’t get such and such to open the next level’. Which is how it happens regularly. But the ‘bad gamer’ might become a thing, as it doesn’t promise anything, other than being bad at games. Bad at outdated games.

Maybe I’ll just go play old 90s Sonic and review that. I actually completed that game. 🙂

Feeling Good

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Feeling very good and motivated about myself this week. And as such, I have taken the route of preparing a few posts in advance. This is something that has worked for me before on Tumblr. As I found that I am experiencing fits of inspiration at the moment. Which is great when I have days that I want to do everything and feel so motivated. But then, as the week drags on, I just want to watch TV and not deal with anything. I become lazy, and nothing gets done. And it is the same every week. So, as I have been feeling motivated, I thought I would try and use the queue post feature.

As said before, this is a technique I employ regularly on Tumblr, when I want to post loads, but also don’t want to bombard people with my useless ramblings. So, I write my heart out for 2/3 posts, on various topics, and schedule them to post on different days. Whilst, to some people it is considered a cheats way to blogging regular, I think it is an essential tool if you have a busy life. It means you can relax knowing that your blog is being updated regular, and you are not stressing about creating different content. Because if I do blog when I am work, it tends to be the same old piece moping about my shitty mental health issues. Which is necessary sometimes, but it gives a rather one dimensional view of myself. Something I don’t like. I do care about what kind of image I portray through this blog and other avenues, and I think that poor planning is why it has fallen a bit flat.

Hopefully if I can set out certain days for doing certain things, I will get more time to do what I want to. Because, all that happens is that I look at all the stuff on my ‘to-do’ list and freak out. It seems an unmanageable amount of stuff to do. But, by focusing a few hours or so on doing a few bits at a time, I can focus completely on another task. And it makes me feel oddly in control of things, rather than things being in control of me. I wonder, if other people use queue-type techniques when it comes to posting online, and whether you think it helps with your work load.

Movie Time: Remembering Sunday

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Length: 96 mins

Dirextor: Jeff Bleckner

Starring: Alexis Bledel, Zachary Levi, Merritt Weaver

I was a huge fan of Alexis Bledel in the Gilmore Girls and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants movies,  so when I saw Remembering Sunday popped up on my Netflix recommended, I decided to watch. It is a made for TV movie, which was shown on the Hallmark Channel in the US, starring Alexis as waitress, Molly, who meets jewellery shop worker Gus, played by Mad Men’s Zachary Levi.

This is very similar to 50 First Dates, in that Gus has had a brain disorder which has left him unable to make new memories. Gus meets Molly, when he is waiting for his friend in a cafe, and he is recording his thoughts on a voice recorder (he transfers these new memories to a computer when he gets home). He is nice to Molly, and as such she falls for him. He tries to hide the fact that every day he wakes up with no memory about what happened the day before, so as they see each other more, Gus records the conversations they share. Gus plans everything to exact detail, to hide his issues from Molly, and gets slightly frazzled. Playing Gus’ sister Lucy, is Merritt Weaver, also known as Zoey from Nurse Jackie . She appears to be Gus’ rock, and does it well, working out a system so that Gus can understand what has happened so that he can survive every day, and relearn what has happened since he became ill. She also warns Molly about understanding that there is no quick fix for Gus’ memory issue, and that she has to accept that he may not be normal. Which is a tough issue that a lot of films and TV shows wouldn’t touch on. It gave a bit of an extra dimension to the story.

Molly dreams of opening a floor shop, but due to cash-flow issues, she finds herself ‘waiting for life to start’, working in the cafe, attending college and renting a room in her friends apartment. She feels that she has had awful luck with men, and has trust issues. And seems to doubt everything that happens, like when Gus forgets one of their dates.

I am not going to post too many spoilers, because that takes away the joy of watching a movie, right? If you thought 50 First Dates was good, this is the same, but more chick-flick slush rather than laugh out loud. It is very sweet, and has moments where it is genuinely touching. But, you can tell this is a made for TV movie, it seems to go a little askew at the start of the second half, as I lost attention, as changes start to happen, as the character’s lives move forward, I didn’t feel involved enough to be part of the journey with them. It was cute, it was watchable, it just lacked the oomph that makes me really care about a movie.

If you are spending a quiet afternoon to yourself, this is a movie for that. It is easy to watch, and is something to kill a few hours. Because the general storyline is very similar to that of 50 First Dates, I found myself missing the laughs, as there wasn’t much to be found here. I wouldn’t pay for the movie to rent, but if you have Netflix, it is worth a look.

Media Hate Mongering

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If you know me personally, I love to think that I can try to get on with everyone. I feel that every person has to have some good in them. Every person is someone’s child, sibling or parent, no different from myself in that way. Despite what people say about it being a deluded way to live my life, I find it comforting that every person has the same internal core. They have the same feelings, it is just that they may think a different way.

This has come to my head today, after the recent outpouring of negativity about Josie Cunningham, who went to the press reporting that she’d abort her 19 week pregancy to get on Big Brother. As mentioned in the article, Josie has previously caused anger because of her £4,600 boob job she got out of the NHS. People hated this young woman, and some even sent her death threats, which in the current world of anonymous led social media, is no longer unusual. Now, as it is publicised that she is having a very late abortion, for a TV show, she is back to getting death threats and blind hatred from people who nothing about her apart from the headlines seen in tabloids.

There is so much about this that makes me uncomfortable. First, how a young woman is made into a public hate figure by opertunist PR companies, namely one called Celebrity Culture, who represent Ms Cunningham. Who describe themselves as:-

Unlike many other companies, we embrace the new age of Celebrity and work closely with national media to raise clients profiles and maximising earning potential… We pride ourselves in attracting national and international media attention and gaining visibility for our clients with the public via various mediums including tabloids, magazines, Tv, Radio and various forms of social media and cyber based platforms.

So, how much of this is controlled by the PR company? Because they certainly have ‘gained visability’ for Ms Cunningham. And the media, working with this PR company, have created this buzz around a making an idea of a person who is as horrible as possible. Because, you don’t need to browse very far in the world of online media, to find another woman rolled out to be as offensive as possible. Why? Because women bitch about other women, women hate on other women, women like to think they are better than other women. That is not remotely true for a lot, but noone hates on women like other women. I have this image in my head of all the male new paper executives and PR company managers getting together to find women to promote that would just offend people.

It is how women are portrayed in the media. That if they do not fit into a certain criteria, then they are considered as scum. And this is considered unacceptable. The fact that a newspaper and PR company sell a young woman down the river, to the point people are threatening her children. Maybe she looks at the Glamour models of Zoo, Nuts and Page 3 and wants that life at all costs, because, to her, it is portrayed as a great job. Which I imagine for some girls it does seem that way. By flashing your body, you can get everything your heart desires. Which is what these magazines and such want. Young girls, who want little else than fame, because it is the most promoted ‘industry’ in modern society. Particularly because over the last several years, people are becoming famous for hitting headlines, and getting attention. And Ms Cunningham is certainly doing both of those, and I wonder if she even needs Big Brother anymore. That is, if she is fine with being a Katie Hopkins style hate figure. Some who is rolled out from time to time, to create anger amongst the general public. Something to serve a distraction against the normal news. The Daily Mail, sister paper of the Mail on Sunday (original article publisher), has paid a reporter to con a foodbank out of food, to say how easy it was, which has been ignored by the celebrity obsessed masses. And that is all you need to know about the state of society. The fact that a company, has possibly tactically, posted an offensive wannabe story days before that of trying to badmouth a charity that saves so many families.

Is it right that people are allowed to become so disenfranchised about our media, that after some thought I am wondering whether Ms Cunningham is even pregnant. The fact that it can be twisted into a ‘news story’, to anger and garner publicity on the Ms Cunningham, the news paper and even Big Brother, is a bit sickening. Although Ms Cunningham is the topic of discussion, how much of this is within her control?