Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Going Underground

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Music is something that has helped me get through my life. I like, that how music can be a journey of discovery. That different songs can make you think about different things, and can even change your outlook on things. It is very strange, when you think about it.

People often talk about music taste, like it is something static. Like, how you find one genre of music, and that is what you will stick with for the rest of their life. But, that isn’t how it really works, music is more like a journey. A journey where you might tip your toes into a particular type of music, and depending on your experience, you could venture deeper into that particular journey, or you could wonder off to something a bit different.

I was a Pop fan for much of my childhood. Music was there, but it wasn’t anything too crazy to obsess about. I liked songs, but no artists in particularly. I fell in love with Hanson, then B*Witched, followed by a1. It sounds like a list of guilty pleasures, but those bands kind of got me into music. I started to notice that certain songs made me feel different, I would get meaning in the lyrics and it became something of an addiction. I would buy albums and read the lyrics on the inserts. I did find, that as I started reading into song means more, I got bored of what was on the radio. I wasn’t interested in getting a boyfriend, I just wanted to read books and draw, so I gradually turned away from the chart music.

This was the time, where I would start frequenting my local library, to use their internet. I didn’t have it at home, so when you want to discover new music, that wasn’t on the radio, you went online. I started to become a fan of music with a rockier sound, the angst and anger matched how I felt in life.

The music that I felt most connect to was old punk stuff, mostly from before I was born. I bought this compilation CD from a charity shop one day after school, and it had The Clash, The Ramones, X Ray Spex and like 40 other bands from the late 70s/ early 80s. It felt like there was a fire in my belly, when I listened to those songs. And the first song on the compilation was Going Underground by The Jam (see know I would get back to the prompt), which actually became a favourite song of mine.

Since I started listening to punk, my taste developed, I started to listen to metal, thrash, emo, grunge, alt rock, just about anything. In fact, the more I listened to, the more I began to appreciate music, in general. The phase that I had, where I turned my back on my poppy roots, was over. I listened to old albums, and realised that those songs still meant a lot to me. Favourite things, become our favourites for a reason.

So put on that played out album from your teens, and have a party. Relish in the memories that those songs have for you, and realise they are more than just words and a tune.

via Daily Prompt: Underground

Trust

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As far as relationships with those around us is concerned, trust can be one of the difficult and fragile things to try and manage. When I was young, trust was something that came easy. You’d share everything with that girl in your class, that gave you a sweetie at playtime or lent you her sharpener during class. It was very easy to feel a connection with someone. At that age, it felt like everyone was the same, just wanting to have fun and play with their friends. 

As you got older, you were told to watch people you didn’t know. Which was strange, as I know that I never thought that anyone had any bad intentions when I was a kid. When all you experience is school, friends and cartoons, it is hard to see the bad side of anything that young. I understand that I probably left a slightly closed off life, where I really would have trusted anyone. No matter what my parents and teachers said about strangers. 

That niavety doesn’t last very long. As I got older, I became more aware that the world wasn’t as friendly as I had believed. Learning more about the world around me, through lessons in school and general interest, made me aware that there were a lot of issues in the world. And then, I went through a phase of a few years where I was bullied, which ruined my positive outlook. I gradually picked up the thinking that rather than be my friend, everyone was out to get me. It became very hard to trust anyone, and that came with me into adulthood. 

I am at a stage right now, where I am nice to everyone, it is only manners, right? But I only tell what is really happening in my life to people i genuinely trust. That is people who I know won’t gossip. I have a handful of people who I trust, who I can talk to, they will just listen and offer advice. And, I offer the same to them. It is something that is essential, everyone needs someone who they need to help weather the storm of life.  

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‘Trust’ is a prompt posted on here. 

Lacking In Something

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I love writing. I used to try and keep journals growing up, with varying amounts of success, simply because I like it. I liked the idea of writing something personal about a certain situation, having a certain view, and then reading it at a later time, laughing at my own reaction about something. Or even being like, ‘I can’t believe I felt like that about such and such a person’. As I got older, I realised that a lot of the things I felt were memorable at the time, I actually didn’t remember at all later on. Like, that moment that your first crush ignores you at break time was heartbreaking at 10 years old, but it doesn’t take long for that same moment to have you scratching your head as to why you were so upset. It’s one of the good things about keeping diaries.

I have tried to keep up writing personal journals, but I am getting to the stage where it can take 2/3 years to fill a single book. Which feels a little frustrating for me, because I feel like I am missing out on things. It is like when I discuss this with people around me, they can equate it to not posting on social media. I’ll be honest, I get super annoyed, when people think my wee diary with scribbled drawings is the same as Facebook. My diaries, especially when I was a teenager, were my venting point, that best friend I could tell my secrets to, and noone else would ever. Facebook, is the polar opposite to that. I suppose the idea with social media, is that you can post tidbits of your life to share with others, which is nice, but not everything needs to be shared. For example, glad to read that someone has a new puppy, not too glad to see someone has a new partner on the side. Some things should stay private, right?

This conflict in my mind, between what to share, and what to keep private, is getting harder to negotiate. For years, I used my blogs to vent, my diaries for more personal stuff, and other social media for… well more venting. If I get annoyed with a work colleague, for example, I will rant, but it will go in a small notebook that will never get anywhere near the internet. If it is a bigger issue, like people with bad attitude in the workplace, I may post about it online in a blog post. Mostly, because it allows me the space to explain in a broader sense, because it isn’t about a particular person. However, if I am PISSED, I may rant on Facebook, and honestly, that never ends well. Someone I know will ALWAYS think I am complaining about them, when I’m not. So it creates drama where there should be none.

But because I end up being cautious about what I write, in case I do indirectly offend a friend, I umm and errr over posts, and post nothing. My draft list is getting pretty long at this stage, because I do write a lot, I just decide to sit on the posts for a while, rather than just throwing it out into the wilderness of the internet. It frustrates me, because I never used to be so indecisive about what I post. And now, it is just becoming counter-productive. But that mental barrier holding me back is also stopping me from writing in my diary too. I think it just because there was no distinction of what I was writing, just different categories would go different places, and now I kind of have a block about writing anything.

I hope I am not the only person having such problems.

Away For A Hike

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Not really at the moment, it is a bit late. But in general I love going for a walk. I think it is a really great way to escape the pressures of life. Not that my life has a lot of pressure, really, my brain just has a habit of creating pressure for myself. It creates these situations, totally irrational, where I feel trapped and panicked by everything around me. It is not nice.

But, sometimes, when the anxiety levels are at their highest, I try to force myself outside. Even if it just a walk around the garden, or a nip down to the shops for some milk, it makes a huge difference. I think, that when you are stuck in one room, it can be easy for the one thing to buzz round and round in your head. So simply breathing in some fresh air can open up your mind, as well as your lungs. It is very therapeutic.

That is why I try to get outside every day. At least once. Sitting at home all the time just leaves me feeling sluggish and rather useless, which is not great when your thoughts aren’t that great at the best of times. So, no matter how bad I feel, I always make a point of going outside. It is the best kind of free therapy.

via Daily Prompt: Hike

Better than who?

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I bought a magazine called Blogosphere today. It was something that I decided to have a look at because I fell I need a little inspiration to get back on the blogging horse properly. The last few months I have been writing very sporadically, mostly because I don’t have a lot of ideas, and everything that I catch myself writing is mopey, rubbish. Not something I actually enjoy reading. 

Blogosphere is a magazine giving advice about creating content, and how writers got attention to their blogs. It’s very informative and helpful, but only if you have the right frame of mind. If I am feeling a little fragile about myself in general, it can be difficult to look at people who seem to already have success doing what they love. I love writing, it has become a major part of what helps me through life. But, I seem to ramble about nothing, and that doesn’t really get an audience. Yes, advice can be good, but complaining for the sake of complaining can be very painful to read.

But that’s maybe it. Yes, getting advice from other sources is good, which is why I bought Blogosphere. I have never been able to go to any events or conventions, so I have never really known how to get a focus on here. The problem can be, when you look at other bloggers who run vastly better sites than yourself, you can feel down on yourself. Which is quite easy to do, especially because blogging can be quite a solitary task, which is mostly writing musings on a particular topic. 

I guess the best thing, for me, is to try and think positively. Look at everything as something to help improve your own creative process. Its very easy to see something good, and look down on your own work negatively, but it’s important for your creativity not to do that. If you can look at the world and take away positive steps to move forward, that will always work in your favour. 

It is just re-training your brain to get away from the negative thoughts. But as long as you don’t give up, you will never fail. And the closer you get to your goals, it becomes easier to create. So just focus, and look at the world to help you. 

Owning The Day

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It was the first day back at work for me today. The start of another week, where it takes every piece of energy you have to get out of your bed. I know that if I had the choice, I would just stay at home all the time, and do what I want. And if everyone was to act honestly, most of them would admit the same. But, we need to work, to get the money, to live a life.

Today was one of those days. I must have put my alarm to sleep at least 10 times, and I was still in my bed. But, I got to the stage where if I didn’t get up, I would have been late for work. I just didn’t know how to get motivated.

So once I started moving, I tried to give myself a bit of a pep talk. The idea was to try and make the day my bitch. Take charge, for a change. And as silly as it seems, now I am reading it back, it worked. I got the energy I needed to get up and go to work. I even ended up being quite happy most of the day, and was super productive.

Now, there are times where talking to yourself won’t make things better. I know that from experience. But sometimes, it is good to be able to give yourself the required kick up the arse to get stuff done. One person who inspires me to get moving is Superwoman. Not the superhero, the youtuber. She has a channel on Youtube, which she has talked a lot about ‘hustling’, and just being her own cheerleader and how it is not as shameful as you may think.

Still Here

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I feel I should appologise. The last few posts on here have been really negative. Mostly because I seem to suffer mental health issues in waves, and sometimes it’s like the tide keeps coming in till I am drowning. And at the last possible moment, where I can feel myself suffocating, I take a last gasp, and the waters slowly go away. Slowly. Sometimes the tide come right back in again, but sometimes it goes right away and I can stand on my own two feet again.

But, clumsy metaphors aside, I have been plowing on. Not that there is anything else that you can do really. But, I am getting there. Every time I feel like I have a good grasp on things, a curve ball is thrown, and I am all over the shot again. It’s annoying, but the more it happens, as things develop, I guess you have to change how you deal with such issues as depression and anxiety. The good thing is, the more I have to adapt how I act when feeling low, the easier it gets. Okay, maybe ‘easier’ is not the right word, but I feel like I am able to cope a little better, which is always a good thing.

My new coping mechanism is trying to give myself a day to meltdown if I need it. A day without feeling the need to hold everything together. The last few Sunday’s have been spent by me staying home, having a cry and feeling generally crap about myself. At the time, I did feel really bad about wasting an entire day, but by Monday I was feeling like a huge weight has been lifted. So I didn’t have to feel bad about it, and that made me feel really good. And that having one day where I can be an emotional wreck, is a theraputic thing.

Feeling really motivated, so hopefully that continues. 🙂

Plodding On

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Sorry about the lack of updates over the last few weeks. As I explained in my previous post, I have been struggling with anxiety recently. It is different to when I have bad bouts of depression, as I talking about what negativity going on in my head actually helps ease the stress I feel because of it. However, with anxiety, I feel the absolute opposite. The more I think about what is causing me to panic, even just to blog about it, the more I actually panic.

It has become a problem, because I feel I am only now getting to grips with my depression, and now there is another hurdle. It’s not that anxiety wasn’t there before, it’s just depression kind of takes over everything. Like, your head is in such a fog because of the depression, that whilst anxiety did happen, there was no reason for it. But as my mind has become clearer, especially over the last few months, my anxiety has gone up. And it is a very hard thing to manage. Sometimes it feels never-ending, like you deal with one thing, for another to come up and hit you for six.

I have worked through my previous mental health issues, by writing about it. It has always helped. But with anxiety, when I think about what has maybe triggered me during a day, I can feel myself panicking all over again. And it can take hours for me to calm back down and stop crying.

I am trying to work through it. If I experience something that triggers my anxiety, I try to leave that situation. Which has meant, that because I have been having panic attacks near enough every day, I haven’t even wanted to write anything. I couldn’t face even thinking about what was going on in my life, so I didn’t didn’t even attempt to blog at all. It is not a nice feeling, being unable to rely on the one thing that has helped me through all my mental health issues. But, as with everything else, I will find away through it.

My focus is on the gym and getting fitter. It has helped my depression a lot, but I am finding it is helping me get a clearer mind. And, whilst I am still having a lot of anxiety issues, I have a clearer mind to deal with it. It means that if I get that feeling in my stomach when my heart starts thumping, I know I need to try and get away from what is making me feel like that. Clarity of mind, really does help me recognise the signs of an up coming panic attack. Maybe things will get easier, if I stay focused.

Freak Out, Let It Go

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I have been suffering panic attacks more than usual over the last few days, and have ripped into a few people. Something that is so unlike me. So, I hope people read this and kind of understand why i may have been strange with them. 

My mind must be wired wrong, or something. It doesn’t take very much, for the bad thoughts to start coming into my head. If I think someone is angry at me, I start feeling that it’s my fault. That a better person would have not made anyone angry. Of course, in a calm state I would know thinking like that is irrational, but when you start to panic, nothing seems too much. 
The first sign that a panic attack is coming, is that my heart starts pounding like a hammer, and i can feel it getting faster. I can feel my breath starting to catch in my throat, which if bad, can cause me to get a strain like a stitch. And as it all gets worse, and i lose more control, I can get dizzy. I shake so bad that physically can’t do anything. It is horrific. 

If I can feel a panic attack coming on, I will try to take myself out of the situation triggering it. If I can. Sometimes it comes on so fast that I can’t react. I can try to force myself out of the triggering situation, but that is hard when everything goes to jelly, and sometimes you can’t even see straight.  

Anxiety is crippling. People have presisted in talking to me, when I’ve had an attack. I struggle to get thoughts together enough, and if I reply it is usually so far out of my character. I could tell someone to fuck off, really offend them, and i haven’t even thought about it. I have some times been in such a panic that I don’t even remember what I have said. The feeling that someone could be angry with you over something you can’t control is awful. And it can make it worse. It is a vicious cycle of shaming yourself and then panicking because of the shame. 

The worst thing is, it there may actually be nothing specific to set me off. Someone could say ‘hello’, and I could start wondering if there is something wrong with me that I have been talked to. That I didn’t answer right, and that I am an idiot. And if I think someone thinks bad of me because of myself, anxiety strikes. 

I have become a lot better at dealing with anxiety. I recognise when I get a feeling of my heart starting to race, or when breathing gets hard. I try not to put myself in a situation where I could triggered. It does infuriate me, that sometimes, that is not enough. 

It’s a hard thing to get someone to understand, but I thought I’d better try. I’m tired of apologising for something that no one seems to really understand. 

Try Hard

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The last post I made here, I was in a bad place. I was feeling lonely, and a bit lost. Which is becoming normal, unforunately. My moods have become more like a see-saw. Just ups and downs, over and over again. 

I have worked hard to try and deal with the ‘downs’, almost like having a cushion on my imaginary see-saw to help the downs not feel so bad. There are times the ‘cushion’ doesn’t work, and i feel like I am back at square one. But that is something that will change in time. I mean, the difference in my own head this year, just by changing how I deal with the crap, is crazy. I am trying to help myself more, rather than just wallowing. I say trying, because sometimes things do get the better of me. 

And it is times where I do feel my lowest, that I am grateful for things like work. Whilst I may complain about my job, the routine, and the feeling I can make a difference does help. It helps me find purpose. Doing a single task, can help take my mind away from whatever mental roller coaster my brain is taking me on. 

It does take a lot of effort, a lot of work and hell of a lot of trying, to get to this stage. I do still get days, where I don’t want to deal with anything at all, so lie in bed most of the day, which is sometimes helpful. But having something that I can’t get out of, like work, does motivate me. And, yes, i do have to think that I can’t get out of it, because if I don’t, it becomes way too easy to phone in sick. 

But, that has taken time to learn. That whilst having a day off may seem to help, it doesn’t actually solve anything. I still feel crap, and the thoughts, that caused me to pull a sickie, are still in my head. The quickest way to deal with them, is to just muddle through. Try and do something. Try and make yourself feel better. By trying to do that, it has helped me understand more about myself and my mental well-being. 

Which can only be a good thing.