Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Not What I Wanted

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have always been one of these people who have two effort levels. Either I obsessively do it, or I just can’t be bothered. This is mostly encouraged by how well I do at something. If I put effort in, and things go well, I will push and push towards a goal. All good. If I put that same effort and fail, I find it really hard to put any more effort into it.

I know that what I am saying isn’t that uncommon. In fact, most people probably have the same issues. If is something that happens in life, and people just have to accept it. But the problem is, that if I don’t try again at something, my brain builds this thing up. Something that is probably of no real concern to anyone, can start to cause me to panic. It is horrible.

When I was at school, I remember that I had two extremes whenever I sat a test. I would either smash it, or I would completely bomb. If I was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t just make one, I’d make ten. And that is something that has continued with me as I go on. I think that a big part is paranoia and lack of confidence. Like, if I think i am doing well, it is all fine. But if I find out I did one thing wrong, i fuck up everything.

It’s hard. I can get so flustered over making silly mistakes. I get upset, because I feel so stupid. I get it in my head that I shouldn’t be making such silly mistakes, I should know better. And I feel worse, and then make more mistakes because I am too busy scolding myself.

The thing no one ever teaches you at school, college or any work place, is how to give yourself a break. It is a foreign concept. But not everyone thrives on constant pressure.

Nervous. Who, me?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This is quite a relevant prompt today. I have fallen off a lot of bandwagons recently, with my productivity going from ‘quite good’ to ‘non-existent’. I struggled to do everything, from going to the gym, to progressing through my to-read pile. I felt a little bit useless for a few weeks there, and it is horrible. I was at the stage of failing to see the point in doing anything, which is not a really nice place to be.

I am at the stage now, where I am feeling a bit more energetic, wanting to climb back on that horse again, but I am nervous. It takes a lot of effort and work to get your energy levels back, after a period of self-doubt. Because a lot of my problems are brought on by anxiety, I find myself jumping to the worse possible conclusion when it comes to trying to do anything. I find myself a lot less anxious, when I am doing things based on habits. But, habits have to be formed, so I will always have a brick wall to navigate past, no matter what I do.

It is frustrating. I have been reading a lot about positive energy, and that by changing your mindset, you can do a lot more than you normally would. Use the nerves as a positive thing, as a thing to conquer. Something that you can defeat. So many people in this word use nervous energy as something that drives them, musicians, writers, politcians. But, it doesn’t have to be a particular career that can benefit from using nerves, anyone can do it. So rather than falling silent to the thoughts running through your mind, use them to push you forward. As said above, that is all about forming new habits, something that is quite hard to do.

Remember, if it goes a bit askew one day, one week, or even  a whole month, today is a new day, so try and make it better than before. Which is easier said than done. Try today, and if it doesn’t work, try again tomorrow. Every day is a new opportunity. Just don’t let the nerves win.

via Daily Prompt: Nervous

New Day, New Chance To Try

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

That’s us hit March already, and I’m kind of stuck between wishing my time away and wanting things to slow down. There is no happy medium, and as I get older I find myself standing still as the world flies by.

3 months into the year, those aspirations made in January may have fallen flat. Some of mines have kind of. I am very good at focusing on what has already happened, mostly the bad bits. The bits where I have failed and things haven’t gone to plan. These are the things I seem to automatically focus on, and then I don’t have the energy to try again. Because, what is the point, if nothing really changes?

I have been spending a lot of time trying to change that. Because what happens in the past can’t be changed, all you can change is what is in your future. Which is probably really cheesy, but it is true. There is no harm in looking back at what you have done before, but if it affects what is coming then maybe you are looking too close.

I deal better with things when I have a ‘clean slate’ to work with. That moment when you close the door on what has happened, and start again. I try to get deal with every day as it comes, forget what has happened before, as nought can be done about it. However, this all depends on how I am mentally, because if I am suffering under depression, i am very likely to be so optimistic.

It’s also learning, that is okay. Not every day is going to be the best day ever, it’s not possible. Life is a serious of ups and downs, and learning how to deal with it. But today is as good a day as any to start positive changes

Netflix Recommended :Series

~ Sue ~ 3 Comments

I am one of those people who can take or leave a Netflix binge. I like watching one or two episodes, but normally, any more than that and my attention starts to fade. So I thought I’d make a list of what I have been watching recently.

The Big Bang Theory – This program is repeated a lot on TV here in the U.K., but it is always the same episodes that I seem to catch. So it’s nice to flit back to the start, and have it on whilst doing housework.

Pretty Little Liars – I love this show, and I found it through Netflix. Alison DiLaurentis goes missing, suspected dead, and her friends are pulled into a mess. Some mystery, and a whole lot of drama.

Gary Tank Commander – Gary McLintoch is a Tank Commander in the British Army, in this funny comedy from BBC Scotland. Gary and his pals mess around, and seemingly make a mess of everything. I mean, a program that tries to reference cheesy pasta whilst talking about the war in Iraq is worthy of a look.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air– The role that brought Will Smith to the world. This program was something I watched nightly on BBC 2 after my dinner, it was shown after The Simpsons. The program is still really funny. Will is a teenager sent from Philadelphia to live with his uncle in the posh Bel-Air, and the comedy that comes from him being completely mis-matched with his new surroundings. A bit of 90s nostalgia is good for you.

The Gilmore Girls– another nostalgic turn. The story of the life and loves of Lorelai Gilmore, and her daughter Rory. The story starts with Lorelai getting Rory into a private school, so that she can achieve her dream of attending Harvard. The series was revived this year by Netflix, and continued where the original series left off. It’s a nice easy watch, and I suggest anyone to check into Stars Hollow.

It’s not very many, but as I said before, I am not a ‘watch a series in a day’ kind of girl. I am more, watch a few episodes and forget for a month. So I am ALWAYS behind.

Perception

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes I wonder how differently people see the world. I don’t mean what they actually are looking at, but what is their focal point?

For example, the picture below, is a photo I took today. A rainy day in Dunfermline. Now, my focus was the town clock, which is where the town centre is located. It is a building that stands out in the centre of Dunfermline. But, whilst my intention was to focus on the City Chambers and it’s big clock, the first thing that everyone else sees are the ‘To Let’ signs that hang outside the empty shops.
img_0782

It is pretty strange when you start thinking about people’s individual perception on things. When I was younger, I thought what I thought, and anything else was simply wrong. But, that’s not right. People perceive things differently, and come up with their own conclusions.

I find that kind of beautiful really. That everyone perceives everything slightly differently. They have their own thoughts and feelings that could impact any choice they make. It all depends on how they view things.

Something New

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has moments in life, where they go from the top of a hypothetical ladder, only to then end up at the very bottom of another. The most common example of this, happens during childhood. When you are one of the oldest kids in Primary School, to start as the youngest again, when you go to High School. There is nothing bad about that, it is just something that sometimes happens. It can through everything up in the air, and make you reconsider quite a lot in your life.

I happens in adulthood as well. For example, I worked in a department at my work for over 3 years, I was settled, it was a really nice atmosphere and work was fun. But last week, I was moved to another department. There was no major changes, even my shift patterns stayed the same, the only thing that changed was the process I now had to do. And as easy going I tried to be about the whole situation, I couldn’t help feeling a little hard done by. Like, the whole ‘why me’ feeling, with thoughts of ‘what did I do wrong’. Being most experienced in one area, just to be moved back down to the least experience, is not a particularly nice feeling. And it is a feeling that is quite hard to get out of.

But, like a lot in life, these situations become easier if we have a better mindset. So rather that focusing on what I am missing out on, I am trying to shift focus onto what I am gaining. For example, the work situation, yes it is a pain, but it is also a new experience. Which in a workplace which is as ever-changing as mine, it’s only a good thing to be as experienced as possible. So, maybe that is a good thing. Another good thing is, that despite how anti-social I can be sometimes, I do like meeting new people. I like to be on good terms with people, used to be quite obsessed with it, actually. So, I try to be nice, and helpful, so that folk thing nicely of me. I have already met so many nice people at my work, and have created friendships that will last for years to come. Which is a good thing.

The hard thing is, that as well as staying focused on the good stuff, I also have to ignore the negativity. Some of the people who moved departments with me, really hate it. Like, all they do is complain. And when you are already struggling to be positive, someone being overly negative isn’t really that great. I remember my first job, being told during training that the mood of people you encounter, is contagious. It was all based on how if you smiled at a customer, they’d smile back, and carry that small positive action to someone else, and make the world a wee bit nicer. But the same happens with negativity, if the first voice you hear in the morning is ‘I can’t be bothered, this place is shit’, then that thought infiltrates your perception on what happens that day.

I guess, the main thing is to keep going with a smile if you can. It is hard, but it makes so many things easier. Well, maybe not everything, but even if it makes one hour of a day slightly easier, it is worth it.

Tired

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am sleepy. But, as life should never be as simple as I would like, I can’t sleep. Well, I do eventually go to sleep, but I may only sleep for a few hours a night. Which is not good when you work 10 hour days.

I think the blame, like with most people, is technology. I have a phone, that sits near my bed. That’s without the TV, games consoles, Kindle or iPad. All within reach from bed. It means I can easily get distracted till the early hours of the morning by nonsense.

It is too easy to whittle away hours on nothing, since the internet came into force. Watching videos of classic WWF fights, or cats falling over, it is very easy to lose hours of time before you realise it. There is nothing wrong with finding something that engrossing, but there can be when it stops your sleep.

I am going to try something going forward. Which involves being in bed by 11pm, without any Internet connected devices. And just sleeping. See how that works. Sounds silly trying to set a routine, like you would a child, but routine really is good for people. Especially if it is to help things such as sleep. Well. I guess I’ll start tomorrow.