Lost Day

Today is Sunday, and it is the worst I have felt in quite a while. It has come from nowhere, which is probably one of the more frustrating parts. I don’t really know where this feeling came from, the feeling of hopelessness, but it showed it’s face today.

I have heard before, that keeping busy can keep the problems of mental health at bay. Now, that is something that seems over-simplified, but there is an idea of truth in it. When I am working away, I can get anxious, but can kind of work through it. However, when there is nothing getting done, the bad thoughts come into play. I woke up this morning, around 10.30, with plans to get up and be busy. Make the best of my day off. But I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I just lay there. I dozed a little, but I mostly just felt crap.

When I am feeling like this, I kind of clamp up. I get stuck between contacting someone to distract me, and not doing anything so I  don’t ‘burden’ anyone. This reaction, is not new, its something that has been born out of years trying to deal with my mental health on my own. Something that shuts people out, because it is embarrassing that I am struggling with a life that is not actually that difficult.

Depression is vicious. It takes time. It needs understanding. But it sometimes gets neither. So I have to do it for myself. I have been having problems with depression most of my life, I can say that now, first started when i was 15, am now 32. Never spoke to anyone till I was in my 20s, I just needed to ‘grow up’. But physical growth does not equal mental growth, so nothing changed. I had to make it change. Which I have fought hard to do. A fight that so many people I know don’t know of, let alone acknowledge. I guess that is what mental health does. Makes so many people battle themselves in private, and nobody else knows of their debilitating pain.

Luckily for me, whilst I can’t tell people that I am having a bad spell, I can write it. It might not be the most grammatically correct,  but it is a release. It is easier to sit in front of my computer for an hour, typing away, than it is to sit in front of another person and explain what is ‘going on’. I have tried to speak to people before, been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, childish… all whilst they stare me down. Sometimes, negative commentary from others, actually reinforces what is going round in my head.

It’s complicated. And I hate it.

But sometimes, it is easier to say I am sick. People will accept stomach bugs without question, when I want to lie in bed all day.

Depression Diaries: Working Away

Depression is a strange thing to live with. For weeks at a time you can be struggling to even get up in the morning. It never really lifts, but there are days where I can put up with it, and kind of work around it. Days where I feel as normal as I can get. When I don’t feel like crying at all through the day, where I can speak to people without wanting to crawl into a dark corner for wasting their time. But whatever I feel, I do my best to get up and go to work. It’s the one thing I try to promise myself, to go to work, and at least I have achieved something no matter how crap the day ends up. Though I have phoned in sick, it doesn’t happen very regularly.

I work in a warehouse, and by looking at my blog title and things you’d notice that wasn’t my plan. But, needs must, and at least I know I have regular income. Unfortunately, not everyone sees jobs like that. Some people have a snobbish look at jobs that they view as ‘below’ them. And I have people asking me why I’d bother working at a warehouse. They imply that for a person to work there means that there is something wrong with that person. It’s almost like they are saying that a person has to be ‘stupid’ to work in this warehouse, and be content.

This should be an easy comment to brush off, because why should someone else’s opinion matter? But it does. It’s another reason to feel to feel like a failure. Like, it is a basic job, anyone can do it. I don’t add anything to the job, and no one would notice if I wouldn’t go back. My brain goes into this spiral where my thoughts are just berating everything that I do and how everything is just a waste of time. And it is honestly horrible. I have this instilled thought that I just waste people’s time, so just end up spending time alone. And to think that even the medial task of working a basic job is worthless, it just makes me want to hide from everything.

I am writing this after taking some thinking time over how bad attitudes about my job make me feel. I have tried to look around the negative feelings, and find something a bit better. The conclusion that I came to was that everyone expects things to be done for them. Whether you visit a coffee shop for a Mocha or clear out your rubbish bin, there is someone there that makes things happen. Someone makes your coffee, and someone collects all the rubbish to take to refuge. Everything that happens in modern day life happens because someone makes it happen. Even when you do things online, someone makes that dress you order get to your door. People make things happen, and without the people doing the medial tasks, things wouldn’t happen. At all. Every job has a purpose, every person has a purpose. Maybe rather than tearing apart those around us, we should recognise that people do shitty jobs and there is no shame in it. I need to remember that sometime.

Depression Diaries: Finding My Voice

These last few months have seen my plans fall apart at the seams. Any attempt at trying to express what I truly felt has fallen flat. It’s like I am back 3/4 years, where I couldn’t see any way out. It’s like I could think about doing things, but I didn’t see the point in doing anything about it.

I have failed in everything I have ever wanted to do. And it is something which is the focus of my thoughts during every ‘downtime’ that I have. Times when I should be relaxing, whether it’s trying to watch TV, read a book or even just try to sleep. I hit a brick wall, as my mind won’t rest. Thoughts about every little thing that I could have said or did, that could have upset another person. I feel like the most idiotic person in the world. And that is all I can see, an idiot who really shouldn’t spend anytime with anyone, because she’d just waste their time, and upset them.

It’s never anything that anyone says or does, it’s not personal. People don’t need to do anything to set me off. I do it all myself. It is about the only thing I seem to do these days. Running to the toilets at work to cry, because I made a mistake. Having another sleepless night because my mistake causes work for someone else, and that makes me a failure. I cry to myself because I turn down night out after night out, because I don’t want to drag anyone else down. I don’t want to be responsible for bringing other people down.

People around me don’t know this. Because I don’t talk about it, because talking about it has always made me feel weak and uncomfortable. I stopped visiting doctors because there are people with real illnesses who need that appointment more than me. So, I sit and dwell, and for months and months, I haven’t been able to get any thoughts out of my head. And that makes me feel worse. It really is an awful cycle. And it is one that is so hard to get out of.

That’s why I am writing this, here. Over the years, this blog has held a lot of my thoughts and hopes on life in general. I felt that this would be a good place to be honest. To speak about how I feel, and how depression doesn’t just go away. It is an illness that can make someone feel so alone. When that happens, it is hard to try and confide in those around you. I thought that if I spoke honestly, maybe it would reach someone who felt like I do. Maybe it would help them, to see that they are not alone.

Need help? I recommend MIND who have helped me very recently.