Tag: personal

Living In Disappointment

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written about my mental health a lot on this blog. It is something that I have struggled with since my teenage years, and I find that writing about things is a lot easier than talking about them. But there is something that I don’t really talk about.

The constant feeling of disappointing people.

I am classed as ‘high functioning’ with my mental health, because I can work and generally do ‘normal’ things. Work helps me, because I find the routine helps with my anxiety, it is something regular, where I can get my head down and work hard. It distracts my overactive brain from overthinking things. I can talk to colleagues about nothing in particular, and it is good.

A lot of the time, anxiety hits after work, where I think about what I have done wrong, and I ALWAYS think there is something I have done wrong. And it sometimes takes me a while before I can get myself together enough to go and do anything else. Sometimes, it’s just too hard.

I feel like it takes a lot of energy to be ‘okay’ for work. I make myself go on because I need money, I need work so I can do the things I like. But sometimes, it means I don’t have the energy nor the mental capacity to deal with things outside work. And that means I can’t always make it to things. When things are out of my routine, my anxiety can be triggered. It means I can have a panic attack at anything.

My anxiety means that I sometimes can’t enjoy social events, as I fear I will get upset and ruin it for other people. Bring people down when they are doing something good. So, I find myself denying requests to go out, or not being forthcoming in arranging things with people. But, instead of feeling bad for ruining an event, i feel bad for letting a friend down. And I feel the assumption is that i don’t care. But that is not the case at all.

I Had A Dream

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What did you want to be when you grew up?

One of the things I wanted was to play football. I remember when I was younger, going to play football with the ‘bigger boys’ in the field next to my house. I was always the only girl, but it was fun. At Primary School, I could play football and train with the boys, and it was all fine. However, from around 12ish, I wasn’t allowed to play in a team with boys anymore. I had to play on a girls team. This was awful news, not enough girls in my school wanted to play football, and all the youth clubs focused on boys. It was like hitting a brick wall.

I found other hobbies, but I ended up backing away from football and rugby, both sports I had played in my younger childhood. I wasn’t ‘one of the boys’ enough, nor did i have the confidence, to push myself to make myself a place with the boys. I didn’t really feel like I could go out of my comfort zone, and look for a girls team, as none of the youth clubs nearby, had anything. So, other than the odd kick about with my brother, I didn’t really play anymore. But I still had a reoccurring dream of playing for Scotland with Ally McCoist (so much wrong with that).

I didn’t stop supporting football, the opposite. My main team became Dunfermline Athletic, and I also followed Blackpool and Aberdeen. I watched Scotland international games, and in fact still go to at least one away game a year. Football is definately my favourite sport. But it still hurts that I kind of stopped playing, in fact, I remember crying in my bed after school, cause I wanted to play with the boys and play in tournaments.

Mixed playing happens still, in Scotland girls can play with boys, till they hit 15 years old. This means that girls can play with the boys, should there not be a girls team available for them. And there are girls teams now at every youth football club in my local area. This is great, and means less girls give up playing a sport that they love. In some countries in Europe, there is no age limit, or there are mixed teams up to under-21 level. This is great. None of that stuff was in place when I became a teenager in the 90s. I remember me and my friend tried to start a girls football team at High School. A PE teacher supported us, and we scheduled training for after school on a Monday. And then 7 people showed up. It was disheartening, because the school was going to help us get games and stuff. But netball and hockey were more popular with girls, so we were quickly cancelled and forgotten about.

I grew up understanding that I could be a fan, and that’s it. Reccently I have been watching the Woman’s World Cup, held in France. It has been a great celebration of the ladies game. It felt huge because Scotland qualified for the tournament, which was amazing. It’s the biggest stage the woman’s game has had here in Scotland, it was advertised everywhere. Every game was on TV, and I saw these women play the game and live the dream that I had as a wee girl. It was amazing.

The tournament has now finished (USA won), and I hope that football organisations all over the world realise that the girls game needs investment. It’s come a long way since I was little, but it’s moving in the right direction.

Changing Spaces

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This year, I have had this blog running for 10 years. That is a huge part my life. I was at High School for less years. It is pretty crazy, and something that I forget.

My blog has had the same look for the last several years. It works great for what I need, but it feels boring. I have decided to give things a bit of a fresh look. Not really sure what kind of thing I am looking for.

I guess, it all depends on where I want to take this blog in the future. I do a lot of writing, but do I bring more pictures into my posts? Try to make my content more varied? It is hard, because, I know what works for me, what keeps me coming back to post time and time again. Writing is a release for me, something I can do to relax myself after a bad day. It has become a place which has documented some of the most trying times in my life. And, I feel like I have grown attached to this site, as a result.

It is why I have always been scared to try and remodel things. It could end up looking awful, and I just won’t like it. I guess, the good thing is, that I will always be able to try something else if one thing doesn’t work.

So, just a warning, things might appear out of sorts on here for a bit, whilst I figure out what I am doing

May Challenge: Space

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I have a confession.

I am a hoarder.

Not as bad as those people on reality tv shows. But, I have a problem with giving things up. I still have hundreds of CDs and books, when everything is supposedly digital.

This means that everything feels cramped, there is no room for new things. So the answer is, get rid of stuff. Which sounds simple. But I seem to find a reason to keep a hold of everything. I don’t think it helps my mental health if I were to be honest. Because I feel stuck, I need to move on mentally and I can’t because I physically can’t move on.

I really don’t know how to fix it. I’ve watched Marie Kondo, which helped a little. But it’s hard. I think, like many people in this consumerist society, I spent money to make myself feel better. Now, much effort has been taken to find other things that make me happy, but it involves changing so much behaviour. It’s pretty difficult.

Late Night Post

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s been one of those days, where I should have just stayed in bed. It’s been a day full of bad luck, which is pretty annoying. But I suppose those kind of days do happen sometimes.

I was so tired until I came up to my bed. And now I am wide awake, and decided to test out my new wireless keyboard. I have recently become an owner of an iPad 6. I originally had an iPad 2, but it broke a while ago. When I had my previous iPad, and any other tablet device since, I always wanted to do my writing on a more physical keyboard, rather than the touch screen. So, this week, I found a deal online, which included a new case for my iPad, as well as a wireless keyboard.

I own a Lenovo laptop, which I do most things on. But sometimes, I want to write without having to go through starting up a computer. The iPad is great for that, as it switches on so quick. And this wee wireless keyboard is great for typing wee things. It will be great for when I am out and about and have time to kill. Cause I don’t really like carrying around my laptop, which sounds stupid.

I am planning on getting back on track for the last week or so of my May Challenge, but I just wanted to post something since I can’t sleep.

May Challenge: Curtains

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

First off, apologies. I haven’t been in a writing way of thinking during the last few days. I had course work due in, as well as pretty bad mental health. So, I gave myself a break for a few days. It’s okay, I told myself that might happen, so I had prepared to just jump back on things when I felt better. No pressure, just post when I felt like it, and the challenge gives me topics to focus on.

Today’s topic is curtains, and I’m one of these weird people who rarely closes their bedroom curtains. I don’t know why, but it’s something I have got into over the years. I think it’s because if the sun is going to peak it’s face out early, then it can help wake me up. And it does work. However, it does mean that when the window cleaner comes round early doors, there is a chance that if it’s my day off, I could be still sleeping. Which is great.

When my depression was more out of control, curtains had more of a purpose. I didn’t want to deal with the world, so I shut it out. Things are safer if you don’t have to actually deal with everyone. Now, it’s almost like the opposite. I have open curtains, I want to experience the world, but I am prone to anxiety attacks that will keep me in my bed. I sometimes wish I could explain to people how difficult it can be trying to push yourself when your brain has applied the breaks. When I feel bad, it can take me hours get up and go to the bathroom. I just have no focus, no nothing. I start to panic, and my body feels of pins and needles. The feeling can last 10 minutes, or an entire day.

So maybe, having the curtains always open can allow me hope that one day, my mental health will take the back seat. That I will be able to enjoy every day. Let in every experience, like the window let’s in the light. Maybe, this battle will continue on for another 20 years, maybe it will change. I have to hope it will.

May Challenge: Pranks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have never really been a person for pranking others. I’ll join in the laughter if someone else pulls a prank, but I’m not very good at planning one, myself. If I do think of a funny prank, I usually giggle away to myself and ruin everything. I am like that when telling jokes too.

When I was little, I remember that I would do funny things, to make people laugh. But, when people did laugh, for some reason, I would get upset and cry. I really don’t why. I just seemed to get embarassed easily. There was no comprehension in my mind, that the laughter I was receiving, was for what I said. Noone was actually laughing AT me. I would get flustered instead.

At work, we can sometimes play pranks on each other. It usually involves hiding someone else’s tools somewhere else. But, again, I show that Iam the guilty party by laughing. If I don’t laugh, a big sign that I have done something is that my face turns bright red. It is the reason why I am a rubbish liar, my beetroot coloured face ruins everything.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

Stealing Prompts

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, 2019 has been very quiet on here. I have fallen out of creating very much online. And I feel so suffocated as a result. So, I have been browsing the internet looking for prompts, to help get my mind going again.

I stumbled upon a prompt created by the lovely Carrie Hope Fletcher, that she created for her YouTube channel. I am not very confident on the video making thing right now, so I thought I’d post on here instead. I am not to worried if I miss a day or so, it might just give me something to write on a day I want to write but get a bit stuck. Hopefully it helps me a wee bit. Find the list below, and join in if you are into anything creative.

Challenges Don’t Challenge Me

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment


It is the 2nd of April, which means a new season of tasks for online creativity. I normally look at BEDA, or Blog Every Day in April, where I aim to post something every day over the course of April. I fail. All the time. And instead of inspiring me to be more productive, I am discouraged and don’t want to do anything.

A challenge is supposed to inspire a person to do bigger and better. It is an opportunity to prove to yourself what you can actually do, beat your own expectations. And, if you do it in a group, you can all help motivate one another, it can work very well. Blogging is a rather solitary task, so it is nice to not do it on your own. Nice to be able to discuss ideas and theories on what you are writing.

However, I haven’t really got involved in many groups and communities, which means I am on my own when it comes to motivation and ideas. And, it can be pretty difficult. And then I join a challenge, like BEDA, and hope it gives me the kick I need to post more regular, and the effect is opposite. I forget to post once, and feel I have failed the challenge, so don’t see the point in continuing. I sometimes struggle with deadlines and doing things, and although I set my own targets, sometimes they seem too large. I have a horrific fear of failure, of being told that I am not good enough. And I sometimes think that it is easier to give up, on my terms, rather than fall down despite my best aims. It is a habit that has been picked up from school, and it is an awful. Sometimes, I am better trying things without a serious goal. That way I can work away without the pressure, and I find I am better. It feels less forced, and there is no big nasty target to discourage me.

I am glad that challenges work for so many people, and every month there seems to be more coming to light. And, they do sometimes encourage me to pick up my art tools, camera or notebook, to try and create something. But, I have to remember that daily challenges don’t help me, so sometimes it is okay to simply sit out.

Social Media Care

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember when I started using social media, many years ago (in fact, 10 years ago), it was a place of excitement. It was new for everyone, it was filled with normal folk, as advertisers hadn’t really jumped on the bandwagon yet. Social media became a place of freedom of expression. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, this isn’t the case anymore. No matter what you express, it feels like there are always people about to try and pick holes in what you say. Like, I try to be kind and advice-like when I write, but people like to jump on what I say to be all ’that isn’t how it is to me, so you are lying’. And these people are usually anonymous profiles who seem to spend all their time hating other people.

It is important to look after yourself in an atmosphere that can be so destructive. So, I thought up I few things that I use, when social media gets to me.

1) Block button. Every social media site has the ability to mute or block certain users. This is good. You might have a friend who is posting annoying rubbish for a TV show you hate, you can mute them for a while. This means, you are still following them, but you don’t see their content for a while. Blocking means that the person is unfollowed, can’t see what you post or anything on your profile. This is a good way to cut out people who may be harassing you.

2)Take time out. Go for a day or so without social media. I usually simply put my phone on airplane mode for a few hours, like when I am studying, so that I can focus without the constant pinging of my phone. If that isn’t enough, and you want a few days away from the distraction of your Facebook timeline, delete the app from your most used device. A lot of the time, we check social media constantly because it always seems to be there. And it not being there, can free up a lot of time.

3)Don’t read bad comments. Sometimes, you could post a picture of an apple on Instagram, and it would attract bad comments. If you see this happening, try not to feel down. These people seem to get some kind of thrill of bringing people down. You can disable comments on many social media services, as well as make it so only your friends can comment. You will find that people are a lot less confrontational if they know you, or have to share their identity.

4) Just laugh. Try not to take social media too seriously. A lot of the content that you will be shown on sites like Facebook and Twitter are there to get a reaction. So they will either be content you agree with, or content you massively disagree with. For example, I would say I am ’left-leaning’ when it comes to politics, so the stuff I get shown is either supporting that stance, or is wildly opposing those views. So, try not to take everything as gospel, and just laugh when people do. It also can defuse a situation building up within yourself, as laughter does make you feel better.

5) Be kind to yourself. If you find anything on social media to be causing any kind of negative reaction to yourself, then step away. You are the only you there is, so it’s important you look after yourself. If there is too much BS happening, then go and read a book, play a computer game or whatever social media is distracting you from.

You can be selective over what you show on social media, and it’s important to remember that. Because everyone else is too. A lot of people show part of themselves, whether it be a nice or a nasty side. So if someone attacks you, then remember it is just what they think they see, it’s not actually you.